Bull City Bears 85 San Francisco Cubists 79 It had to happen. No team, not even the mighty Cubists goes without losing in this sport where luck is a rather large percentage of play. Yet, no winning coach will give credit to luck (well, except a few � see below) and no losing coach will say that they were overwhelmed by their opponent�s strategy. The one piece of strategy that Owner Randy Chambers employed was putting his old standby, Mark �the Exorcist� Brunell (2 games/31 pts) to combat the legions of netherworld ghosts and ghoulies employed by the Cubists. Brunell, the Champion for Christ, flung the ball with abandon like a stake through a vampire�s heart as he led the Bears with 16 points and two TD�s. Brunell seemed to click with the Bears receivers as well as the two gameball recipients, Heinz Stadium Ward (8/97) and the Mossman (10/74) scored season highs (25 and 14, respectively). The combined 65 points of the three was as tuneful as listening to Who�s Next!!! (duh) for Chambers. It was clear that Owner Dudley Moore had no answer for the anti-undead Brunell and his army of purity. The only Cubist who had the courage to rise up was WR Terrell Owens (10/111) who scored a season high 23 points for his 3rd all pro performance. Sir Dudley knighted Owens with the gameball. But, the dead Moore could only be reminded of the agony of his own battles with MS by the play of the running backs, defense and kicker, who combined for 39 points among 9 players. Moore was reminded of the time �when the Yanks topped England in the 1950 World Cup, I drank half a bottle of cognac, poured the other half over my head, and lit my soaked shirt on fire.� Now, that�s taking a loss in a bad way. Moore seems to have mellowed a bit in the last half-century. Perhaps because he knew the Cubists still had one silver bullet left in the chamber to beat the Bears: QB Marc Bulger (3/70). Bulger�s play of late had reminded Moore of his famous classical/humor album, �Live from an Aircraft Hangar by Dudley Moore.� A Monday night loss for Chambers would have been akin to �the day Len Bias died. Sto, Jamo, Andrew Tripp and I wore black to driver's ed. When Sto called to tell me the news, I refused to believe him to the point of not even turning on the telly.� Nevertheless, although it was close, the Bears were helped by the Chicago Bears who caused two Bulger turnovers taking his 23 point performance and turning it into a 17 point performance. Nevertheless, Bulger was sainted by MNF commentator John Madden who continued to spout superlatives about the young QB. When did Madden become so difficult to listen to? In their post game press conferences, both owners gave credit to their hours spent playing NHL �94 on the Sega at Windom Place for the respective successes in life. Chambers added, �Duh.� Further, Moore said, �Blimey, that idiot Tugwell and his market research department decided that everyone was getting a little tired of the same story, namely our side knocking the crap out of everyone. [Frick�s] sake, it doesn't matter how many times Lucy pulls the ball away from Charlie Brown, it's still funny. But those idiots at the top decided to let Charlie Brown win this week.� An ebullient Charlie, ahem, Chambers did not respond to the charges of the Modano marketing division giving his team the win, but replied, �2-0 vs. Jamo! Now why can't I beat anyone else?!?! It's beautiful to be lucky. On Monday morning, I was ahead 80-60 with no MNFers of my own. Bulger put up an even 20 (thank you Mike Brown for the pick!), and on Tuesday, I am the winner, 85-82. Foxboro Man (Mitchell) -- we're coming to get you!!� The always forthright Chambers added, �It is time to terminate the East Bay Brothers. Playing David Boston and Ike Hilliard is a mockery of the 120 hour weeks the rest of us putting in scheming a gameplan.� This may call for a referendum.
Peaks Island Wookies 109 East Bay Brothers 41 Speaking of the team that wouldn�t be owned, coached or led, the Easy Bay Brothers actually had a chance to not only knock off the co-leading Wookies in Week 11, but also pull themselves into the championship picture with a win. No, it hasn�t been a pretty season for the Brothers, but their five wins were enough to encourage a few Brother fans to get out to the Black Hole and cheer on the home squad. While the Cubists may be lead by a ghost, they at least do not submit the lineup of walking wounded each week like Owner Rob Ouaou. Just for kicks, Ouaou �decided� to play a lineup including David Boston (11/38), Ike Hilliard (7/16) and Chad Brown (8/45) who were unavailable for NFL games with injuries. Undaunted, Ouaou, who really likes American Beauty by the Grateful Dead and Metal Gear Solid (he prefers to be Solid Snake), told his broken charges that they could either get on the field or be fined two years� worth salary. A wheel-chaired, cocaine-smeared Boston said, �I�se gots my family to think on.� Even with a toothless attack, the P-men of the Brothers played well. Peyton Manning (8/153) not only scored 17 points for his 6th all pro game, but was also given the gameball by the recently appearing Ouaou. Priest Holmes (11/191) scored a TD and 13 points to continue to dominate the ranks of the running backs. Obviously, with 30 of the Brothers� total already accounted for, the rest of the team didn�t do much. Todd Heap (10/38) joined the zero squad and the rest of the team was led by John Abraham�s (11/44) 4. The lack of competition could have meant a let down for the Wookies, but Owner Will Mitchell would not hear of it. Mitchell asked his team if he ever gave up while playing �Tecmo Bowl on the Nintendo?� Was he defeated for good during �a double overtime loss in state Class D basketball championship. I scored 6 points and fouled out [the refs as usually were on the payment plan]?� No, he got back up and fought. And so did his Wookies. Drew Bledsoe (10/185) returned from the bye with 10 points, and his play inspired the Wookie OF to all score TD�s becoming the fifth team in the league to accomplish that feat. The Cookies, Brents and Bears have all done it twice, and the Losers have done it once. The flex was led by Ricky Williams (10/120) who found pay dirt twice and had 19 points, while Joe Horn (7/75) had 15 and Rod Smith (10/58) had 10. Curtis Conway (8/57) and Michael Strahan (9/54) also scored in double digits. The only player getting Mitchell�s scorn was starting RB Deuce McAlister (9/134) who had just 4 points. The 68 point loss was the worst in the Brothers long, beleaguered history and the two games against the Wookies were lost by a combined 120 points. The 68 point blowout win was the largest in Wookies history, eclipsing the 109-57 Week 2 drubbing of the Brothers. The worried Ouaou said, �We are going to have to make some adjustments this week and put in some active players.� What a concept?!? A calmed Mitchell said, �Looks like we're back on track. Hopefully just in time for the stretch run - things have gotten hot at the top. Too bad the Pats are struggling and took a loss to Oakland. But I guess since they can�t find the endzone my kicker does better...Also sorry to see our rising star Peppers being taken down by the league.�
Syracuse 44�s 121 P-Miss Envy 98 Two things inevitably appear when the 44�s take on the Envy. First, there is a surplus of delicious homemade pizza which may last for a week or two. Second, there is a surplus of controversy. Earlier in the week, the teams had agreed on a mega-blockbuster trade of starting QB�s and complementary parts. Each owner sent the other their most recent reports from physical testing and the trade was approved by the league. Everything seemed set up for an instant classic matchup. QB Donovan McNabb (10/208) looked ready to go, playing in the enemy�s uniform for the first time at Jim Brown Stadium. Through the first two plays, he looked marvelous � juking, puking, and jiving. But on the third play, God said, �Let his injury be revealed.� And thusly it came, as the feather soft Cardinal defense was let through the line and McNabb got up gimpy. Owner Perry Missner screamed, �I�ve been Sirotkaed!� Playing on a broken limb and knowing the trade would soon live on in the legend of Charles Nagy for Troy Glaus, McNabb gutted out four quarters on a previously, but non-disclosed, broken ankle. He threw for 4 TD�s and scored 26 points in what will most likely be his last game of the 2002 season. Meanwhile, the new 44�s were running wild. Michael Vick (5/89) made like Flash and scored three quick TD�s and 23 points and Eddie George (9/68) came out of nowhere to score two 4-yard TD�s and 17 points for his first all pro game since Week 1. Vagaries! WR Marvin Harrison (10/121) did not seem to mind the change in QB as he had his second straight 21 point game for his 4th all pro performance. Owner John Stoer, who also likes the Dead�s American Beauty and Sega Hockey from 1994, gave the gameball to DL Dwight Freeney (11 points), who was playing in his first league game. TD�s for the Envy were few and far between. Other than McNabb�s final four TD�s, Missner, who has �probably, listened to Sgt. Peppers the most, but in the last five years either Radiohead's OK Computer or The Bends� received a score from WR Chad Johnson (1/12). Anthony Thomas (9/67) had ten meaningless points to prevent the game from being a blowout. Brian Urlacher (10/97) had 9 points and continues to lead all defensive players as the Envy DF had 28 points. Missner, who once spent an entire summer � literally � playing Alternate Reality � the City on his Apple 2C � compared the loss to, �1989 - Bears-Packers - the genesis of hate with instant replay. At the end of the game, Don Majikowski (who was sleeping with Brad Spakowitz at the time) threw a game ending TD to some crappy Packer to beat the Bears. Replays clearly showed that Majikowski (who now sleeps with Troy Aikman) was over the line of scrimmage - result? No TD, right? Wrong. The Uncle Screwgies decided that replay did not have jurisdiction over the line of scrammage. The TD was allowed. I curled up in a ball and shut out the world after that one.� Missner, whose team has scored 191 points the last two weeks but has nary a win for their efforts, continued his rant, �Isn't that a shame? Well, at least I got one game out of McNabb before he broke himself in honor to Sto. I knew Vick would play well against us, but Eddie George - thanks a lot buddy. I bring you back as a first round pick and you score bumpkis (no TD's since Week 4). We played well again, so I have few regrets. A nice win for the 44's - good luck from here on out.� Stoer said, �The new guys put a little life back into the 44's and we needed all of it as the Envy nearly went triple-digits on us. Thankfully, Freeney got to the QB a couple of times, Eddie hit paydirt twice, and Vick had a solid outing. But more important than the win is the devasting injury to Donovan McNabb. Even with one ankle, he is 100x better than any Redskin QB [except that sweet Patrick Ramsey]. We wish him a speedy recovery.�
Brentful Brents 101 Einar�s Luvable Losers 58 With these two owners, we think anyone would admit that the fantasy game was secondary. Both Owners Steve, Johnson and Olsen, had their attentions centered on the Hump Dome where their Packers were playing the woeful Vikings. Yet, every year, no matter how great John Madden says the Packers are, they can�t seem to win in a dome. We postulate it is the loud noises that render inbred moron QB Brent Farf (10/167) color blind so that he can�t tell the puke yellow and green from the Viking purple. Whatever it is, the Packers always lose to the awful Vikings and for some of us, it is nice to see. What�s even nicer is when we have a decent color analyst like Daryl �Moose� Johnston calling the game. Johnston, who doesn�t endlessly overhype a particular player and seems to actually analyze the action, educated his viewers on the �sugar huddle� - not quite a no-huddle, but the plays are called without the benefit of a true huddle. Excellent information, Daryl! Must be that communications major you earned while at mighty Syracuse University. Yet, if the game was to be won, it was going to be Packers � one way or another � that would win it. In Week 11, it was the Brents� Packers who scored all of the TD�s as Farf (12 pts), Ahole �Put it on the� Green (8/92) and Dick Driver (8/72) scored in double figures. The Brents also received TD�s from Anthony Brecht (9/33) and Duce Staley (6/69), who took the game ball home for his 20 point performance. The newly installed killer bee defense did not really resemble the potent two-some of Nate Knispel and Peter Wu as they combined for just 16 points. The Loser Packers, and aren�t they all?, combined for 15 points. The Einar�s squad was once again led by Steve �Fair� McNair (7/121) who is once again trying to lead a terrible squad out of the abyss. McNair had 19 points for his third all pro game, but was the only Loser to find the endzone. LaDainian Tomlinson (10/145) had to settle for 8 and it looks like Plexico Burress (10/80) is really going to miss Tommy Maddox. Even the Jumbotron Smith (9/83) was even held in check with just three points. One note that may help the Einar is that Isiah Kacyvenski (8/35) should probably be taken out of the lineup since he has an ankle injury and may out for a few more weeks. Johnson, who is said to have a fetish for Bach and Civilization II - �It has everything I need. Exploration, empire building, trade, research, and conquest.� � commented on the Packer loss which reminded him of �I think it was the year the Pack when 8 and 8 and missed the playoffs when a loss came by a Bears field goal.� He had no comment on the win, so let this game be forgotten.
County Coroners 80 Veaselicious Cookies 66 It may surprise you to know that one of the teams that is just one game from the league lead is Owner Chad Callahan Nuss�s County Coroners. The Coroners, who had a two game splurge earlier in the season, continue to churn out the wins in what may be their most successful season ever (they have thrice been 8-9). In Week 11, the Coroners used some helpful Cookie injuries, two QB�s and some nice Monday night defensive performances to get their 7th win. For Owner Dan Weitz, it was just more of the same. The Cookies did receive decent performances from their flexes with 26 points coming from the offense and 21 from the defense. However, Tom Brady (6/106) had an off game against the Raiders as even the numerous sacks that should have been called in the grasp were let go (we guess that contribution to the Uncle Screwgie�s pension fund is really paying off for the Pats). Brady scored just two points and was unable to connect with the new tight end Chad Lewis (5/9). Eric Moulds (9/79) did snatch a TD and had 8 points. His play reminded Weitz of playing �Duke Nukem 3D. The stories I could tell of wasting the Einar with the Rocket Launcher and watching him blow up into a million pieces or shrinking him and then stepping on him so that he was a bloody spot of goo on my shoe, hey I made a rhyme.� But more than anything, Weitz tried to deflect attention from his team�s 9th loss as he gave the gameball to Brents Owner Steve Johnson �for starting another Einar losing streak.� The Coroners actually did not get much production out of their Raiders, despite the win over the Patriots. Rich Gannon (10/207) had the only Raider score and tallied 13 points. Sebastian Janakowski (8/64) also knocked in 9 points. The only other Coroner TD came from short yardarge man Moe Williams (3/20) � against the Packers � as he scored 9, while Curtis Martin (8/51) started running well again with 8. The Coroners, who lead the league in passing yards, found themselves down 8 points going into Monday with the possibility of facing two-time Modano MVP RB Marshall Faulk (10/126). Sadly, Faulk looks like he won�t win his third La-la-la-lafontaine award as he was unable to play once again. His zero opened the door for Coroner defenders Mike Brown (7/52) and Adam �Stoner� Archuleta (6/41) to grab the win. The two combined for 22 points, sprinkling an interception and a sack in with some tackles, to provide the winning margin. This caused Weitz to shriek, �MMMM I hate Fantasy football, that is all.� The Coroners now have the league�s longest winning streak at 3, which constitutes their first three game winning streak since 2000.
Week 12 previews - Once again, Owner Will Mitchell and his Peaks Island Wookies hold championship destiny in their own hands. If they continue to win, no one can challenge their first ever championship. As such, their first task will be to sweep the season series with the road weary Veaselicious Cookies. They can do so knowing that Owner Dan Weitz�s mind is entrenched in the future. Weitz, whose team has already clinched their 5th straight losing season, could only say, �Is it next year yet?� when asked about the matchup. The Cookies, who lost the Week 3 matchup 100-110 and are down in the series 2-4, will try out a golden oldie in QB Steve Beuerlein. For now, the rest of the Cookie lineup remains the same. For the Wookies, Ricky Williams is back in the starting spot and Troy Brown is back in the lineup along with a Packer DL whose presence means the Wookies will probably lose. Mitchell also seemed a bit confused about the status of the 2002 season when he said, �We're just going to focus on putting up points. Our goal is 100 per game til the end. How many more games are there anyway?� A throng of teams sit one game behind the Wookies at 7-4. Two of them, the Brentful Brents and Bull City Bears, are facing off at the PepBo. The Bears have tried to forget their season low 32-point embarrassment in Week 3 when they lost to the Brents by 45 points. The series is tied at three apiece. Neither team has changed their lineup as of yet, so we could have a former-Brent backup in Mark Brunell facing Mr. Brent himself. Owner Steve Johnson was looking forward when he said, �I have to pass another test to keep up the race to the top.� But Owner Randy Chambers was still celebrating his Week 11 win, when he commented, �I swept Jamo!! Howly cow. Who cares?� We wonder if this will have any bearing on the game. Another 7-4 team is the mighty San Francisco Cubists who have scored nearly 80 more points than any other team, but in Week 12 they meet their kryptonite in the P-Miss Envy. Five straight times the Envy have beaten the Cubists, including the 118-79 thwacking in Week 3. For the 6th time this season, the Envy are staring a new QB in Chad Pennington. Marcel Shipp may actually get his first start of the season and Jeremiah Trotter is back with the team that he had a fine 2001 season with. Missner commented, �I looked at the Cubists lineup from Week 11 and saw a bunch of players without TD's. That means that all of those runners are due. I don't think we are going to have our favorite drunk, Kerry Collins, to bail us out, so we are going to have to play, in the words of John Madden, "a heckuva" game to win. We are going with young Chad Pennington for the start. He has been doing pretty well and deserves some PT.� The Cubists have not changed their lineup yet and we doubt they will go with now backup Marc Bulger as QB. A miffed, ghostly Dudley Moore merely said, �After the game, mate� and hasn�t been heard from since. Has he finally gone to his resting place? Or has he just gone down to Hell to bring back some demons to face the Envy? The fourth and final 7-4 team is the County Coroners who stay at home to face the similarly-Raider loving East Bay Brothers. Like the Bears, the Coroners had a brutal week 3 as they only scored 34 points and lost by 64 to the Brothers, despite Owner Rob Ouaou starting a Brother trend by playing TE Todd Heap who was on the bye. Ouaou felt confident in his team as he said, �We will win.� While he has replaced wheel-chaired David Boston in his lineup, he continues to count on broken Ike Hilliard and Chad Brown. Maybe Randy was right. Owner Chad Callahan Nuss has made one early substitution in his lineup: Mikhael Ricks is out and Raider Doug Jolley is in. That makes 6 Raiders in his lineup as his team goes for its 5th win against the Brothers as opposed to two losses. In the sub-.500 battle of the week, two former Envy QB�s face off. 44�s QB Michael Vick had a strong first game for his new team with 23 points, but he � of all people � knows not to count out hometown Loser QB Steve �Lair� McNair. The 44�s won in Week 3 � 105-74 � and lead the series 3-2. They have also scored 100+ in two straight games for the second time in 2002. Owner John Stoer has made one substitution � Roy Williams for crappy Nate Wayne. Stoer said, �Who do I play this week? Einar? He's got a talented team that is due for a victory. He's a lot like the Bengals.� That�s not very nice - to the Bengals. The Einar has not changed his lineup, but would do well to replace Isiah Kacyvenski.
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