San Francisco Cubists 131 Brentful Brents 74 Spirits have been high in the Cubist camp the past few weeks as the ghostly Dudley Moore shed his “Fritz” character and become his lovable, tipsy self. Unlike the preseason, when expectations weighed the Cubists down, Sir Dudley has brought back the gleefulness of the game and the players seem to be responding. For the fifth week in a row, the Cubists came out and stomped their opponent – this week it was the Brentful Brents. The Cubists’ five straight blowouts ties their own 1998 record as well as the 2001 Bull City Bears. Moore’s team has also had the highest score for the last three weeks. Dudley, known for his love of parched, cracked wheat, decided to go with QB Mark Bulgur – even though incumbent QB Aaron Brooks was back from the bye. Bulger responded to the dead actor’s confidence with a record tying performance. Bulgur’s four TD’s and 39 points equaled the 2001 record set by Peyton Manning. Needless to say, he was given the gameball. Bulgur had plenty of ground support as well as three of the four Cubist runners had TD’s and two – Tiki Barber (17 pts) and Jamal Lewis (21 pts) - had all pro games. The scoring didn’t end there as John Carney (10 pts) found double digits again and Donnie Edwards (16 pts) threw in a TD and an all pro performance of his own. That makes nine different players who have had the all-pro experience for the Cubists this year (tying the Envy for most different players with all pro games). The only disappointment came from TE Tony Gonzalez who only caught one pass and was unable to score. Meanwhile, Owner Steve Johnson was just trying to make this fast – much like ‘instant breakfast - everything in a shake - just like the Jetson's predicted.” One would think that since the Packers had a walkover against the Lions, the Brents would have had plenty of points, but it just wasn’t so. QB Brent Farf led the inbred pack with a couple of scores and 23 points. He was given the gameball for his troubles. Ahole “Put in on the” Green, who attributes his fumbling troubles to hyperhidrosis (or a preponderance of sweat – yech), had four points before knocking himself out. The only other TD for Johnson – who would like to coach Penn State because of “tradition, scholarship, talent, and all my parents and grandparents went there,” (not to mention Curtis Enis!) came needlessly from Clinton Portis (10 pts) on Monday night. Johnson commented, “I can't complain about anyone. Even if I played everyone perfectly I still would have been killed.” True, although Marcus Bell did have 17 points from the bench. For his part, Sir Dudley stammered, “Very funny. If I still had my corporeal form it would have been bangers and mash … Oh, I am bloody sorry, I thought you asked me what I had for elevensies … the game [sip of martini] well, Good show, eh? I'm speechless. The lads were brilliant.”
County Coroners 123 Peaks Island Wookies 60 Clinging to a one game lead going into Week 10, Owner Will Mitchell knew his team had to come up with a win to maintain their first place lead. To switch things around, he put Ricky Williams and Rod Smith in the flex and started Deuce McAlister and Curtis “the Difference Maker” Conway. The one thing he did not count on was that the rival County Coroners would be fired up by tuck rule comments Mitchell said were “taken out of context.” Owner Chad Callahan Nuss bided his time on Sunday while the majority of his players waited for Monday’s night clash against the Broncos. The Sunday Coroners set up the team well. Mikhael Ricks (6 pts) had the first Coroner TE TD since the last time the Coroners met the Wookies. Curtis Martin (11 pts), Moe Williams (6 pts) and Amos Zereoue (9 pts) all ran well from the flex. The Wookies, for the most part, did not respond to Mitchell’s changes. Only Deuce McAlister seemed to find his starting slot to his liking as the #1 pick scored two TD’s and 18 points. Adam Vinatieri (13 pts) also had a strong game. However, there were plenty of low points. The entire OF, including Williams and Smith, only had 13 points, which was 5 points more than the entire defensive flex had. The expected production from the Brees-Conway matchup never happened as the other Drew hit a sour note with -2 (breaking 8 streak weeks of double digit production from the real Drew’s QB slot) and Conway only scored 1. Some TE scored another TD and had 9 points. Mitchell, who would like to coach University of Maine, gave the gameball to Drew Bledsoe, despite the bye. With only a 12 point deficit to overcome with 5 players, the Coroners knew they had a good shot at a win after Sunday. Nuss started his Monday right with “a banana, an apple, and 4 cups of coffee” and let his Raiders do the rest. Rich Gannon (31 pts) minced the previously impenetrable Bronco D (too much credit for Das Ubercoachen Ray Rhodes) for three TD’s and a dainty two point conversion. That would have been enough for the win, but Nuss was perturbed by the “Peaks Island Losers” taunting and laid the points on thick. Jerry Rice (18 pts) and Rod Woodson (16 pts) celebrated middle age with a three TD’s among them and Sebastian Janakowski got over his recent benching for 8 points. Nuss, who wouldn’t mind following Ty Willingham at Notre Dame, said, “well Jamo, looks like you owe me some cash for putting you in first place, as agreed...(wink, wink). RAIIIIIDERSSSS!!!! RAIIIIIDERSSSS!!!! RAIIIIIDERSSSS!!! Wassshhhhaaaaaouuuuttttt!!!!” Second place Mitchell, who may be suffering from starvation because all he had for breakfast was “some frozen waffle leftover pieces the kids didnt eat” said, “Bring on the taunting and abuse. I deserve it. The Raiders did everything. They are great. I bow to the Raiders. Who has every thrown so many completions vs incomplete than Gannon on MNF. It was a show. And of course Rice and Woodson kicked my ass too. And, ironically, the Pats beat the Bears on a tuck-rule-esque fantastic finish. Sorry Perry, but we needed it.” The media has no comment, much like those inbred refs at the Pats-Bears game, about Mitchell’s hurtful sayings.
Syracuse 44’s 110 Bull City Bears 70 Owner John Stoer sent tidal waves throughout the league by making good on his claim that everyone was available by making a pre-game deal that shipped team centerpiece, QB Donovan McNabb, out to the Envy (along with WR Chris Chambers) for QB Michael Vick and RB Eddie George. McNabb was so stunned by the news that he threw up his Chunky soup, but somehow managed to play against the Bears. While Donovan (13 pts) did not have his best day, the rest of the team knew that they could just as easily be shipped out to a non-Syracuse location and they played their fannies off. Stoer, who doesn’t eat the most important meal of the day, gave the gameball to James “the Little Engine that Could” Mungro for his two TD, 17 point day. Mungro, an undrafted free agent out of the ‘Cuse, blistered the Eagle D for 100+ yards. His running allowed plenty of open passing lanes for WR Marvin Harrison who had his third all pro game (leading all WR in that category as well as total points – 100 in 9 games) with 21 points. Garrison Hearst and Travis Taylor also found pay dirt from the flex, and Keith Bulluck continued his fine play by attaining 17 points by being all over the field. The only disappointment to Stoer was the play of Tai Streets, who scored just two points. The Bears continue to stumble along. Apparently, Owner Randy Chambers doesn’t fancy himself much of a coach because he would like to coach the Brandeis University football program, although there is no such thing. His apathy also came across in his players as the starting QB, RB, WR, TE slots combined for 10 points. Chambers, who had “an everything bagel with neufchatel cream cheese” for breakfast, did receive quality production from the OF members who all boasted TD’s and a combined 41 points. Nevertheless, Chambers gave the gameball to “Coach Pascqualionie” and saw many signs of trouble that he mentioned in his post game press conference: “I don't know about you folks, but I got the Eagles-Colts game at 1:00. Other than Payton Manning, all 90 players were from Syracuse -- my second sign of trouble: Mungro, McNabb, MHarrison, Freeney, Ismail, Rob Morris. My third sign of trouble was when Dan Dierdorf informed us all that Mungro was the first rusher this year to go for 100 against the Eagles -- and made the announcement in the first half! My first sign of trouble, you ask? When I went onto Sandbox Sunday morning to bench Stephen Davis for Isaac Bruce and the damn thing refused to pull up my roster!! Argh. 28 points. My last sign of trouble? Todd Bouman. Hats off to Sto. His Orange were better than all my colors combined!” Ah, that explains it. Stoer said, “If Donovan can be traded, anyone can. So they all pulled together- particularly recent SU grad Mungro- and came up with a stellar performance. It also helped that RC left Stephen Davis in his line-up. Ahhh, fatherhood, the great distractor.”
Einar’s Lovable Losers 114 P-Miss Envy 93 As predicted by Owner Perry Missner in his comments about the Einar after Week 9, the Envy provided the means to break the longest losing streak since 1998. The Envy have now been the compassionate team – maybe it is the Cubs fan in Missner - to allow the three longest losing streaks of the past two years (2001 Wookies, 2002 Cookies and Losers) to end. A quick look in the archives showed us that it was the Losers who gave the East Bay Brothers their first win in the first week of 2000 to end their 15 game losing streak. But, it wasn’t like the Envy rolled over and gave the game to the previously winless Losers. The Losers scored TD’s like they had never done before. Before 1:30 PM CST, the Losers had already accrued seven TD’s and there was no looking back. Missner, who started his day with a Chocolate chip muffin with a glass of milk” knew that his team was in trouble when the first ticker produced a McNair-Derrick Mason TD. The combination that called P-Miss their home in 2001 combined for 21 points. Another former Envy member, Jumbotron Smith scored his first TD in a Loser uniform and had 12 points. LaDainian Tomlinson had his sixth all pro game with 15 and Plexico Burress set a season record with 28 points on two TD’s and 250+ yards. Even Ryan Longshanks had an all pro game with 16 points. When it goes good, it goes good. QB Michael Vick, making his last appearance as an Envy before he head to Syracuse to be in bed with his Big East rival, pumped up the jam for 21 points on a couple of TD’s. He will be missed. The Envy D had a nice game with 29 points led by twin elevens from Brooking and Urlacher. The Envy OF did not have a good day with only 12 points. Anthony Thomas shook off some recent lackluster play with 12 points and Marty Booker threw – yes, you read that right threw – for a TD and had 11 points. Their early third quarter TD’s against the Pats were for naught as the refs chose to take Will Mitchell’s dirty money. Missner, who confessed thinking about leaving pro football for “University of Indiana at Pennsylvania, because not only does it have a funny backwards name, but excellent initials - IUP!” said, “Well, I knew this was going to happen. I watched the Einar rack up TD after TD. We played well, but what can you do? I would also like to take this moment to say how much I hate instant replay. It slows down the game and basically takes the authority away from the refs. I saw one play in the last two minutes of some game in which they replayed to see if a guy caught a ball one yard downfield then went out of bounds. The difference was one meaningless yard, yet I have to wait five minutes for a result?!? C'mon. Plus, for the second straight week, Uncle Scroogie and friends - the refs - gave the double screwgie to my beloved Bears. Blech.” Never one to mind his own business, Cookies Owner Dan Weitz chimed in, “Missner gets my scorn for losing to the Einar. Missner should know how much I wanted to see Einar go 0-17 and he blew it. Damn you, Missner, you took away the one thing I had left.” The media tells Weitz to take of beating half-teams before he comments on other games…
East Bay Brothers 60 Veaselicious Cookies 55 The man who would live in a cave, Owner Rob Ouaou, poked out of his hole for just long enough to make a few roster substitutions in the days before the Brothers Week 10 re-engagement with Weitz’s Cookies. Ouaou, however, must have become flummoxed by the complicated substitution rules because he left two roster spots open from his players on the bye (Michael Pittman and London Fletcher). To compound the confusion, Ouaou left David Boston, Ike Hilliard and Chad Brown in the lineup, despite the fact that none of them were playing due to injury – in the case of Boston and Hilliard – season ending injury. With his owner at home in his cave, QB Peyton Manning knew the odds were against the Brothers. Manning commented, “Yes, I knew things were stacked against us, but when you put a Brothers back to the wall, he comes out wailing away.” Manning had his lasers, his tazers, his ICBM’s all trained on the endzone and he threw for three scores and 28 points. Priest Holmes had a rare off game with just one TD and 9 points. Laverneus Coles (5 pts) was the offensive flex and John Abraham (8 pts) was the defensive flex. The Brothers got another 10 points from Todd Heap and Mike Vanderjagt. No one thought that six players would be enough against a full complement of Cookies, but everyone was wrong. QB Tom Brady was the only Cookie to really show up as he led his team with 25 points on two crappy TD’s. James Stewart ran for 9 points but no one else scored more than 4 points. Weitz, who had cookies for breakfast (and, yes, they count), had one more chance to escape the most embarrassing defeat in Modano history with two players on Monday night, Shannon Sharpe and Easy Ed McCafferty, going in with a 10 point deficit. Sharpe (0 points) crapped out when he dislocated his elbow and McCafferty (3 pts) was unable to score against the Raider D. Brents Owner Steve Johnson commented, “Talk about LUCKY! I wish I could not list 2 guys while playing 3 injured guys and still win! Who did Ouaou sell his soul to?” The Brothers win allowed them to once against escape the basement of the all-time standings as they passed the Cookies (0.344 against 0.333). The Brothers, who won both matchups against the Cookies this year, are also allowing the least points in the league (71.7 ppg) which has enabled them to have a 5-5 record despite being the second lowest scoring team. Weitz commented, “Thanks to the Brothers I have learned never to change my lineup and make sure I leave roster spots open becuase good things will happen. What a bunch of [I’m an idiot] (and the media better print it that [I’m an idiot])!!!!”
Week 11 previews - Week 11 features a number of interesting duals, but none moreso than the biannual pizza battle waged between the Envy and the 44’s at Jim Brown Park. This week’s game has the added ingredients of a huge trade just consummated. For the first time in his Modano career, QB Donovan McNabb will be not only not on the Syracuse sideline, but also playing against his alma mater. The other participants in the trade Chris Chambers for the Envy and Michael Vick and Eddie George for the 44’s will also be starting. The Envy will also be debuting Marcel Shipp. In late breaking news, the 44’s just swung a trade with the Brents, picking up Edgerrin James for Garrison Hearst and Keith Bulluck. James, depending on his health, will be in the lineup. The Envy won the Week 2 game, 103-101, and hold a 5-3 advantage in the series. Missner said, “After the big trade, we'll see how Donovan attacks the 44 D and how we are able to defense Vick and that refusing to score any TD's Eddie George. Of course, this will be the week George goes berserk from two yards out. Those are the vagaries of fantasy football.” Stoer commented, “This week is Salvador Dali meets Andy Warhol- as Dick Vitale would say, "[Awesome], Baby!" We welcome Michael "Lil Donovan" Vick to the club and hope for great things from Eddie George. I'm going to make pizza, light a fatty, and sit back and watch this otherworldly week pass by. I just thank the Lord that Perry doesn't still have Jumbotron Smith.” Speaking of the Jumbotron, the Losers will be looking to add one to their winning streak of one when they head to Glory Days Memorial Stadium to take on the Brents in the Fudge Packer International game. Six of the inbred mass will be featured in this game with each team showcases its own three mentally challenged players. Despite the Week 2 53-73 loss, the Losers hold the 3-2 series edge. Owner Steve Johnson commented, “Another happy Pack reunion. And against the Viks. How nice. Not to mention clinching the division with a win. Happy days.” Barf! Now, to the top of the standings – Owner Dudley Moore and his Cubists are on a major roll and in the past, the Bull City Bears have not proven to be a late season challenge. The Cubists are on a path of destruction in trying to avenge their three early season losses. QB Aaron Brooks gets the starting nod for the Cubists and Tiki Barber will be in the lineup. The Bears are going with a change at the QB slot as Owner Randy Chambers is sick of QB Duante Culpepper’s lack of production. He’ll put Mark Brunell out there as the Jags face the Texans. The hometown Bears won in Week 2, 89-83, but the Cubists still hold a 6-3 series edge. Ghostly Moore said, “Should be a good tilt,” while Chambers commented, “Must beat Jamo to stay alive. Long live Brunell.” It seems that the other 7-3 Owner, Will Mitchell has learned his lesson about the sins of vanity. Mitchell said, “The cracks are showing. We have some serious adjustments to make - mainly in attitudes. No more trash talking thats for sure.” One thing that is sure to help the traveling Wookies is the return of the real Drew, Bledsoe, to the lineup. Bledsoe brings a pair of J.P.’s with him - Joey Porter and Julius Peppers. Owner Rob Ouaou, who probably used up a lifetime supply of karma with his Week 10 win, has made some lineup adjustments with Jerome Pathon, Michael Pittman and TeBucky Jones in the lineup. But, at this point, we still count three players who are out with injuries. The Wookies won going away in Week 2, 109-57, but the Brothers hold a 4-3 series upper hand. In the last game of the week, an embarrassed Cookie team head to Alameda County Coroner Stadium to take on the Coroners. Owner Weitz put all of his thoughts succinctly, “Who gives a [I’m an idiot]? Fantasy football sucks monkey [peanuts]!!!” True his word, Weitz has not changed his lineup. The Coroners, who won 67-66 in Week 2 and hold a 5-2 series bulge, also have not changed their lineup, but the nicks and bruises of the Cookies were lost to Owner Chad Callahan Nuss, “Oh. Sorry Marshall. Oh. Sorry Shannon - didn't mean to dislocate your arm yesterday.”
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