P-Miss Envy 104 Einar�s Luvable Lusers 56 It has been a tough off season for the Einar. First, he had to endure Brent Farf throwing 6 interceptions in his final game of 2001. Then, Terrell Davis was lost as he sort of retired. Next, the Einar had the displeasure of watching his Pack lose to the Cleveland Browns in the preseason, but out of that loss came an idea: the Cleveland Browns are good � Tim Couch is good. So the Einar signed up Couch and promised him the starting slot over incumbent keeper Kurt Warner. Unfortunately, some time during the preseason Couch suffered an ouchie that just got worse. On Friday, after the lineups had been frozen, it was heard that Couch would not play this weekend. That announcement sent a shock wave through both the Luser and Envy camps. The Lusers knew they would have to rally around the other players, while the Envy camp received an injection of confidence. Even with their record of starting out poorly, the Envy knew that they could beat a QB-less team. Owner Perry Missner made an unusual gesture by handing out his game ball to the opposing owner on Saturday. �My game ball goes to Steve "The Einar" Olsen - keep up the great work.� That�ll probably come back to haunt him. Nevertheless, the Envy stormed Einar�s Enron Field with TD�s early and often. The first Envy score came on the monopoly of Steve �Pear� McNair over to Eddie George. Aaahhh � nice way to start the season. The Titan twosome both scored twice and each had a tidy sum of 18. Marty Booker also started the season off in fine fashion with an eye-popping 198 yards plus a TD for 20 points. The three all pro performance were enough to tie the Einar�s entire team. Only TE Jay Riemersma was noted for his poor performance, but Missner stated, �I still like him.� So does everyone. The Losers only had one chance to perform their patented �leap into the stands� � even with the sparse Luser crowd. Keeper LaDainian Tomlinson scored the lone Luser TD and actually slipped � a la David Martin � on his way to his dozens of fans. The Einar gave the gameball to LB Keith Brooking who outscored each of the more popular Envy �backers with 11 points. Terri Glenn somehow managed 4 points, but wasn�t it funny to see him come out after his first catch, and his second catch, and his� That guy gets so many boo-boos. After the game, the Einar was furiously trying to get in touch with Kurt Warner (7 points), only to find the reclusive QB holed up with his wife, Pee-wee Herman, at some Christian Bible camp. Maybe Kurt was asking God why he had been cursed to be stuck on such a lousy team. Meanwhile, the Envy team partied the night away. Perry Missner said, �My heartfelt thanks go out to the Einar. It turned out that playing Tim Couch over Kurt Warner would not have affected the result, but the Envy were sky high with confidence (at least I think it was confidence) seeing no QB on the other side. The defense is adjusting to the new rules and no Jeremiah, but they will rev it up soon. A sweet, sweet win. If only those cheating Packers wouldn't have won.�
Bull City Bears 89 Syracuse 44�s 80 These two owners have known each other for decades, so their gameplans were ready before the game was even announced. Both are card-carrying Redskin fans, so it was no surprise to see players like Stephen Davis and Jeremiah Trotter involved. However, Bears� Owner Randy Chambers� eye brows had to arch as he scanned the 44�s lineup � not only were there two hated Cowboys playing, but an Eagle and Giant were also prominently featured. This lack of Skin pride had the Bears fired up and ready to do anything at all for their coach and their home turf � Pep Boys Plaza at Durham Central on the Eno, which will from on be called the PeBop. It was the 44�s that came out firing, as they hung a 11 spot on the board on Thursday, centered on Garrison Heast�s TD. The 44�s didn�t stop there as Donovan McNabb threw three first half TD�s and notched 17 points. McNabb wasn�t the only former Oraneman throwing for TD as WR Kevin Johnson used a bit of trickery to hit pay dirt, throwin�-style on a double reverse. For his effort, Johnson received the gameball as Owner John Stoer educated his audience on the recent history of the Orange: �KJ and McNabb both came to SU as QB's but McNabb beat him out. I always knew he could throw.� The Bears did not shy away from contact, however, as they started racking up the points as well. The aforementioned Davis bulled his was to 15 points and the game ball. The Culpepper-Moss connection was in full effect as the two combined for 19 points, but still lost in lower Illinois. Each time a Bear ran into the endzone, the Bull City fans, having spent their collegiate days in the Sagehen fieldhouse, went �chirp, chirp, chirp�!� Eh, that doesn�t sound like a bear or a bull� Jason Elam stung his former team with 11 points. For all of the nice play on the field, all of the post-game comments focused on one man who was on the 44 bench � Qadry Ismail. Chambers said, �I knew I had the 44ers where I wanted them when I saw a blur racing up and down the sideline. I realized it was the Missile, waiting to be launched while two chump-dog Cowgirls pranced about the line of scrimmage hoping another Q (Quincy, not Qadry) launched missile-after-missile into the Texan secondary.� Old man Emmitt was even singled out for scorn by Stoer. �What was I smoking?� he queried. Crack, perhaps. Stoer greeted the media with this statement, �I take the blame for this loss. I know nothing about football and will never make another player/personnel decision ever based on matchups or hunches. I apologize to Qadry Ismail, his family, our fans, and anyone who loves Syracuse football. Our players gave us a chance to beat one of the best, and I took it away from them. I'm forever shamed.�
Brentful Brents 85 San Francisco Cubists 78 The Brents are riding a tide of goodwill that stems from their fellow owners giving them the tip as the #1 team as voted in the preseason. It didn�t work out so well for the Bull City Bears in 2001, but the Brents are a stupid flock � they don�t let anyone tell them how to do things or when to shut up � sort of like Terry Bradshaw. The pressure on the Brents may have been big, but if your too dim to notice, it doesn�t seem like pressure at all. The week one assignment was the three time champion San Francisco Cubists. The Brents had not beaten the Cubists since 1999, but their gameplan seemed simple: getting plenty of yards, but don�t worry about the TD�s. This kind of screwy gameplan rarely works, but it kept the match close. The Brents were led by their fearless, inbred, moronic leader, Brent Farf. Farf played up to the crowd at Glory Days Memorial Stadium by scoring a game high 21 points on two TD�s. Apparently, he is saving his back-breaking interceptions for later in the season. His performance made, �A bunch of old guys (60s Pack) moan 'YEAHhhhhhh...'� as they always do at Glory Days when a nice play is made. Ray Nietchke, who is dead, also joined the fun. The only other moaning came when Duce Staley found pay dirt and he scored 10 points. A-hole �Put it on the� Green had plenty of yards against the porous Falcon D, but managed to cough the ball up once that was official and another time that should have counted. He also conspired to cheat as he pushed William Henderson into the endzone for the game leading scoring. Cheaters will never prosper. For his punishment, he will have to run behind Najeh �the Crapper� Davenport for the rest of the season. Phhhheeee-weee! Owner Steve Johnson, that�s Mr. Johnson to you, by-passed all of the starting Brents and passed the game ball to Warrick Dunn who scored 17 points from the bench. �Dunn was so anxious to get into the game he ran for 2 scores while on the bench.� Johnson was displeased by his receivers, Torry Holt and Keyshawn Johnson who combined for 11 points � he shouted �Endzone guys! Its over there!� but the two Brents just ran into each other. The Cubists only scored one more TD, but had one less point through Sunday. QB Aaron Brooks led the party with 17 on two TD�s and TE Tony Gonzalez showed he didn�t need training camp with a TD and 11 points. Yet, Owner Jason Moore gave the gameball to Fred Taylor for not only scoring 13 points, but managing to stay healthy for the entire game. The game came down to two Steeler linebackers: the Brents James Farrior, who has Modano experience, and Einar favorite, Kendrell Bell of the Cubists. Johnson commented, �Damn I hate these close ones. Monday nights should'nt have this much potential for ulcers.� In his first action as a league member, Bell notched one point before turning his ankle. It would have been enough for the tie and, therefore, the win due to the extra TD if Farrior was kept scoreless. Alas, Farrior scored 7 points for the Brent win. A contrite Moore, whose team is surprisingly only 2-3 in Week 1�s, said, �Congratulations to the Brents, they were more prepared this week than we were.�
Peaks Island Wookies 76 County Coroners 70 Each member of the Peaks Island Wookies had to wonder what planet they had entered as they first looked around Alamdea County Coroner Stadium. Unlike their contemporary Raider fans, the Coroner fans are known to go all out when they put on their face paint and other accoutrement. Coroner Owner Chad Callahan Nuss even dons the spiked shoulder pads and black and silver war paint. Yet for all of their scariness and intimidation tactics, the Wookies were not afraid. Led by wily veteran, Drew Bledsoe and the calm stewardship of Owner Will Mitchell, the Wookies scored enough to keep the game close, then sealed the deal with their Monday night Patriots. Bledsoe connected with Rod Smith for a TD as the two combined for 19 points, which was the same total as RB Ricky Williams � who crossed the endzone twice. Ricky still had to share the gameball with #1 pick Deuce McAlister who scored 7 points all on yards. Those two will be forever connected � in the Wookie backfield. K Adam Vinatieri led all of his brethren with 12 points. TE Freddy Jones refused to score, which is nothing new for him. The Wookie D also had an off day with only 9 points. This failure to put points on the board led to the cutting of Courtney Brown. The Coroners fired back with their Raidericious line up. QB Rich Gannon scored two TD�s and had 17 points. One of his TD�s went to old Tim Brown who scored 9. Chad Lewis had a rare TE TD and scored 7. But it was the Coroners who were not in the line up that really hurt the team. Late replacements, Tyrone Wheatley and Olandis Gary each scored 5 points, but the men they replaced, Charlie Garner and Keith McCardell scored a whopping 34 points � enough for the win. An ebullient Mitchell spread his scorn for the Steelers, then laughed maliciously �HAHAHAHAHAHA.� It took the Wookies until Week 8 in 2001 to get their first win. Mitchell went on an extended rant after the game, �Drew had a decent start, most of my guys underperformed, but we came away with a W which is where we want to be after last year. And Deuce scored 3.5 times what Curtis did and that was against a stiff Tampa D and not a weak Bills D so we feel somewhat vidicated after just a week. But the story of the week is MNF where the WOLRD CHAMPION PATRIOTS dismantled the sucky, cocky, trash talking, all bark-no bite, ugly pathetic Steelers. What's that you said about Pit being the team to beat? Pats were a fluke? Title defense continues against the lucky and overrated Jets, where the pats are again shockingly a 1 pt underdog heading in. As brother charlie put it betting on the pats has become like taking candy from a baby. Oh, and Cleveland was robbed.� Owner Nuss could not be reached for comment, but was mostly likely fuming in his backyard again.
East Bay Brothers 102 Veaselicious Cookies 92 The two losingest franchises in Modano�s long history met to try to put two things together and make them bigger and more luscious on WonderBra Field. What�s happened in the past is the past and both teams stood on the precipice of a brand new age. Is there anything more optimistic than the record of 0-0. Anything can happen. And it did as these two teams put on a TD-laden show for the Cookie fans. During the early Sunday games, the Brother keepers showed why they had attained that status. Former-Cookie cuttee Priest Holmes schooled his old team with a quartet of TD�s to go with a handful of yards for a week high 33 points. It was no surprise that he was given the gameball. Payton Manning used the Cookies D, which sent 8 men into the box to stop Priest to scorch the air with 3 more TD�s and 25 points. One of his passes went to David Boston who also had an all-pro game with 15 points. All told, the Brother keepers had a one week keeper record of 73 points, breaking the Envy�s Week 16 2001 record of 66. The rest of the Brothers did little and were led by Chad Brown�s 7. Back up DB Anthony Dorsett made his old man wince with 0 and second round reach TE Todd Heap only had 1, although he did have 5 catches. From the Brother bench, Jay Fiedler headed into the new year (Happy Rosh Hashanan, everybody!) with 24 points, but some wondered why Dominic Rhodes is still there since he is out for the season. The Cookie fans had to keep their belts unbuckled as the team scored 7 TD�s. These days, when a Cookie player makes it to the endzone, the fans rise in mass, moon the other team, while the PA system blares, �Kiss my f(lowery) arse!� This is sure to catch on in other places, such as Kissemmee, Florida. QB Brian Griese overcame a near benching to score two TD�s (13 points) with a nice pitch�n�catch to Easy Ed McCafferty (10 points). McCafferty�s recovery from a broken leg forced Owner Dan Weitz to give him the gameball. All three members of the Cookie offensive flex scored a TD. The Cookie OF was the best in the league with 31 points. Sadly with those three on board, there was no room for RB Travis Henry who ran wild for 25 points. Tom Brady�s 27 points were also wasted on the Cookie Bench. As if losing to the Brothers wasn�t enough, Weitz�s beloved Cowboys took a poke from the heretofore untested Texans. Weitz lamented, �I'm too upset over the play of the Cowboys to have much to say other then a certain swear word over and over.� OK, we�ll do it for you, �shucks, shucks, shucks.� Brothers� Owner Brother Rob Ouaou knows the sting of losing, but commented, �Our defensive secondary could have performed better. However, we are very proud of our team in its debut and expect big numbers from several of our guys thoughout the year (drug tests pending).�
Week 2 previews - The only battle of unbeatens takes place as the Peaks Island Wookies face their second straight Raider fan in a row, in the person of Owner Rob Ouaou. This week, though, the Wookies are at home at the Casco Bay Bubble. The Brothers actually lead the series history, 4-2, and swept the woeful 2001 version of the Wookies with a 78-78 tie/win and an 86-78 win. Bigger news, perhaps, is that the Brothers have actually changed their lineup: Wayne Chrebet and London Fletcher will see their first action of 2001. Ouaou commented confidently, �The opponent has too many chowder heads. We shouldn't have a problem.� The Brothers may be glad to see old Devil, TE Freddie Jones, who scored rarely in 2001. Owner Will Mitchell takes his P-pride in account with new player Richard Seymour, but the difference maker will surely be Curtis Conway. Mitchell had no real comment about the Brothers, but made note of the Wookies most famous position, �We need better production from the TE position - maybe we'll pick up Cleeland and Fauria after all.� That�s one way to go. The league�s top scoring team from Week 1, the P-Miss Envy, takes on old pizza rival, the Syracuse 44�s. Where�s Biakabatuka when you need him? Well, the Envy will go with the next best thing � Panther RB Lamar Smith. Owner Perry Missner will also trot out his only Redskin, Champ Bailey in an effort to intimidate the 44�s and show the fans at Spurtability.com Fields what showmanship is all about. Owner John Stoer will finally put Qadry Ismail in the lineup as well as new comers Derrius Thompson and Will Allen. An all too easily distraught Stoer said, �We're pretty devastated by the week 1 loss. I don't really see us regrouping in time to face a team of the caliber of the Envy. All the SU boys will be in the line-up, so we've got a shot, but, realistically, we'll need some divine intervention to stay in the ball game.� What kind of talk is that? If it�s a trap, the Envy won�t be baited, but they have already heard rumblings of trouble from the 44 locker room. Missner commented, �We are wary of the 44's, although Jeremiah has related to us, in informal talks, that there is a real split between the former Orangemen and non-Orangemen. It seems that no matter what the former Orangemen do, Owner John Stoer praises them and leaves all of the criticism for the guys who did not attend SU. It's his team, but he had better be careful or else they will end up the like old Chicago Blackhawks, if you know what I am saying.� Old team dissension. Michel Goulet would never pass the puck and always blamed Roenick when they lost. The 44�s lead the series 4-3 and swept in 2001. Owners Randy Chambers and Jason Moore renew their somewhat friendly rivalry as the bride and the bridesmaid at Georges Braque Stade. The teams split in 2001 with the Bears winning the early season game and the Cubists taking the crucial late season tilt on Ronde Barber�s repeated interceptions of Aaron Brooks. Former Cubist keeper Stephen Davis goes against his old team in a series that has seen six Cubist wins and only two losses. It looks like the Bears will go with the lineup that got them the win in Week 1, while the Cubists replace the man that cost them a win, Kendrell Bell with upstart 49er Jamie Winborn. Chambers cliched, �We are gonna take them one week at a time.� While Moore said, �The Bears are a scary team. We'll try to work on a few of our shortcomings in practice, and see if we can give a better account of ourselves in week 2.� There�s a newsflash for you. In a battle I despise, the Brents stay home at Glory Days Memorial Stadium to face Einar�s Luvable Losers. The Einar finally contacted Kurt Warner and told him that Jesus forgives, so why couldn�t he? Warner was unable to quote any verse to take away from that, so he will be well rested and ready to go. This game will also feature Peckers: Ahole �Put in on the� Green, Brent Farf, Darren Duller, and Terri Glenn � who is sure to go out again and again. Won�t one of you two please pick up Najeh Davenport? Owner Steve Johnson said, �Two Packer fans in one place. There will be nothing but sunshine, flowers,... and love!� Not to mention puke and a few inbred hillbillies. The Lusers lead the series 3-1 and the teams split in 2001. Finally, we have two winless teams in the Cookies and Coroners at WonderBra Fields. Apparently, Owner Dan Weitz is looking past the Coroners as his only comment was, �Is this the week I play the Einar?� Sadly, the Cookies and Lusers only face off once this season. The teams split in 2001 and the Coroners lead the series 4-2. Owner Chad Callahan had no comment about anything this week, but inserted his bench stalwarts, Garner and McCardell. But is it a week too late?
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