PRESEASON POLL AND OFFSEASON NOTES

 

With all  ten districts reporting, the media has seen fit to release the informal preseason poll.  The rankings look a little something like this:

 

	Totals	1st place
Bears	75.5	3
Cubists	71.5	3
44's	61	1
Wookies	60
Envy	58
Brents	53
Cookies	47.5	1
Losers	44.5
Coroners	40.5	1
Brothers	40.5	1

 

The Bears and Cubists are clearly the elite of the league.  Teams were not thwarted by the various smokescreens of the Cubists including Tony Gonzalez’s hold out and burgeoning basketball career, Corey Dillon’s remaining with the Cincinnati Bengals and Terrell Owens’ insistence that he, not J.J. Stokes, is the primary receiver for the 49ers.  The Bears’ returning players – Moss, Culpepper and Shaun Alexander (should he not get screwed over by the Walrus wanting a Terry Allen-esque veteran presence in the lineup) look to be quite solid.  Teams are picking forward movement for the last-place Wookies, and the Losers (without keeper Terrell Davis) look to regress.  It should be noted that only the Cubists, Wookies, Envy, Brents and Losers voted for all ten places.  Also of interest is the fact that preseason brings hope to all outposts as the Bears, Wookies, Cookies, Coroners and Brothers all thought they had the best team at this early juncture.  The Coroners received two tenth place votses and the Brents, Losers, Cookies, Devils, and Brothers each received a 10^th place vote as well.

 

 

There were significant happenings in the offseason.  The one league name change came from the lower ranks as the Walnut Creek Mountain Devils are no more.  Owner Rob Ouaou believed the Walnut Creek fanbase was too small for his up-n-comin’ team, so he decided that the entire East Bay needed a reason to hang together.  Ouaou was also happy to report that the entire team recently accepted Jesus as their personal savior and made him an honorary "Brother Man."  The offseason was not without its problems for the Brothers, though, as was widely reported:  an incident occurred at the Oakland airport where the team was arrested with pistols, furs, prostitutes, cocaine, mattress tags, Cuban rum, and several million dollars.  Unfortunately, our team retreat was cut short.  Charges are still pending.

Speaking of East Bay, the owner of the County Coroners had to change his name.  After being disowned by Jon Gruden, Owner Chad Nuss is looking to the new Raiders’ coach for inspiration.  As such, he has decided to go by “Chad Callahan.”  Callahan said, “I will bring quiet intensity to the team, let the veterans play, and allow the team to build a chemistry around itself, not the coach. We believe that our new coach will bring a new work ethic, that will get us out of our .426 winning percentage that Chad Gruden had built. We are coming up with some new strategies that we will unveil shortly.”  He then said in a stage whisper, “All of the other owners in the league have to ask themselves one question:  Do you feel lucky, punk?  Well, do ya?”  Callahan then went on a long rant – edited here for time and content – about how he can’t even eat chowder anymore because of his ill-feelings toward the Patriots and that so-called fumble.

 

Staying on the West Coast, three-time and two-time defending champion Owner Jason Moore was told by his team of doctors to “back off the intensity this year. They wanted me to quit FFL all together, but this was the best we could do.” But much like the fat man who lives to eat, although it slowly erodes his bodily systems, Moore is back for more punishment as the other nine owners greedily eye his championship.

 

The Wookies were looking to capitalize on the movement of their keepers - Drew to Buffalo and Ricky to Miami - and will ride Drews arm to a bittersweet return to prominence.  Owner Will Mitchell said, “We'll also be drafting all of the Patriots new Tight Ends.  We're going from WORST TO FIRST!”

Rumors swirling around the 44 camp had super star leader, QB Donovan McNabb, looking to a career outside of football in the near future.  A friend of a guy in my carpool told me that “McNabb will spurn his burgeoning NFL career to make a run at the Presidency in 2006.”  He added, “God Bless America!!”   By that time, perhaps Stoer will lure the ever elusive Ryan Leaf out of retirement for one last shot at glory.

 

The Envy were also pleased to announce that Anthony Thomas and Brian Urlacher have been given lifetime contracts.  In a related story, Ray Lewis is upset that his contract has not been renegotiated.  Lewis said, "I ain't never know what Missner be thinkin'.  Yeah, he let me lead the greatest defense ever assembled las' year, but now I be wantin' Cap'n's money and he trowin' Cap'n's money at whitey and A-train.  Dat not fair!"  Lewis' agent also added that Lewis was ready to murder a few QB’s this year.

 

Owner Steve Johnson had the following to report from the Brents’ camp:  “As we start a new training camp there are always a lot of questions about specific players, their injuries and their off season happenings. I can not answer all of those questions but I will try and lay a few of then to rest. As for Edge's knee, you might have seen his Mad-Max-wannabe knee brace that he is wearing these days. It is nothing to worry about. His knee is 180% healed and is now actually better than nature intended. The enigmatic Floridian mentioned he was wearing it because 'it was F---in' b---ha-s kewl!' Some have noticed his limp, and that is nothing more than his leg getting used to the new jewelry.  As per all the allegations of our players being involved with harassment, abuse, and/or murder of there domestic partners, these are nothing more then silly misunderstandings. Once you all get a chance to view the court documents, you will all have a good chuckle. They mostly deal with stories of cute fluffy puppies. And no matter who says what, I’m sure those (expletive) deserved it.”

We are happy to report that the families of two of our esteemed owners are growing larger by a PAT.  Unlike his Cookies’ team, Owner Dan Weitz seems to be an unstoppable force as his wife is once again with child.  Weitz commented, “I learned that only safe sex is abstinence.”  Following that happy announcement, Weitz added this non sequitor, “Yeah, We HATE the Einar!!!”

 

Finally, Owner Randy Chambers had a very busy offseason, which started “a week before the 2001 season ended.”   Off-season work included reviewing videotapes of great sports teams that went from perennial bridesmaid to bride -- 1983 Orioles, 1991 Duke Blue Devils, Goran Ivanesiveciec 2001 Wimbledon, and, of course, 2002 Maryland Terrapins.  The team also hired Ken Caminiti as strength and conditioning coach, Jose Canseco as team voodoo doctor, and Steve Spurrier, Jr., as defensive coordinator.  But, all of this was trumped by the adoption of the family’s first child – the Maya.  Chambers commented, “I have transferred majority ownership interest in the club to the Maya. The rarely utilized "owner under 5" clause [aka the Amber Principle] protects the Bears from both the luxury tax and salary cap. More importantly, the Maya is 35 years younger than even the Danny.”

Now, a list of team’s official vegetables:  (in no particular order)  cabbage, rutabaga, pea pod, no comment, yellow bell pepper, cucumber, chocolate and candy, artichokes, raw meat, broccoli.

 

There are some changes to the Sandbox scoring system.  Some of the more questionable aspects (pass defended, blocked kicks, forced fumble and touchbacks) have been taken out, but I always liked the extra point for the 50+ yard FG.  Oh well.

 

 

Scoring Method	Points	Last Year
TD	6	6
2 Point Conversion (rush, receive or pass)	2	2
Every 15 yards (Rushing/Receiving)	1	1
Every 30 yards Passing	1	1
Fumble (only if lost)	-3	-3
Interception (thrown)	-3	-3
Field Goal	3	3
Field Goal (over 50 yds)	0	1
PAT (kicking)	1	1
Touchbacks (kicking)	0	1
Blocked Kick (punt, field goal or PAT)	0	5
Every 25 yards Returning (Special Teams/Defense)	1	1 (for 50 yards)
Tackle	1	1
Sack	3	3
Pass Defended	0	1
Interception (caught)	4	4
Forced Fumble	0	3
Fumble Recovery (Defensive)	4	4
Safety	5	5

 

Finally, here are the byes for 2002:

 

Week 3:  Bal, Jax, Oak, Pit

Week 4:  Atl, Ind, SF, Was

Week 5:  Det, Hou, Min, Sea

Week 6:  Ari, Chi, NYJ, Phi

Week 7:  Cin, NE, NYG, Ten

Week 8:  GB, Mia, SD, StL

Week 9:  Car, Den, KC, NO

Week 10:  Buf, Cle, Dal, TB

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