The Event: The 2002 Year End Awards Ceremony
The Place: Pep Boys Plaza at Durham Central Park on the Eno of the Modano Mi Hermano Champion Bull City Bears
[The stadium is packed with the distinguished owners from the league, Modano Mi Hermano fans, various C-level celebrities who aren�t pimping on sad reality shows, players from the teams nominated for awards, and other people who enjoy free burritos and Fanta products]
[There is a buzz in the air as the ceremony is about start. Chattering is omnipresent. All of the sudden, the stadium lights go out and the thousands of people are bathed in darkness. There is a loud boom and a fireworks display that certainly outdoes last year explodes above the Jumbotron. After everyone has oohed and aahed through the colorful display, the enormous Jumbotron shows the even more enormous face of Commissioner Todd Tugwell. Commissioner Tugwell puts his fingers to his lips to command silence and instantly a hush envelops the throng of people]
Todd Tugwell: Thank you. As all of you know, the year ends award ceremony stands for many things: giving kudos to the best out there, annoying award presenters, hatred for the Packers and someone getting the snot kicked out of them by Owner Perry Missner. We will get to all of that in due time � in due time. At this very moment, however, I want to announce that one of the 10 precious franchises has been sold to new ownership, new blood will be entering into the league. Citing his many obligations to his charity foundation, his work with displaced Oaklanders on the East Coast, and his Sunday afternoon bible classes, Owner Rob Ouaou has sold the rights of his Cambria Otters/Walnut Creek Mountain Devils/East Bay Brothers and Sisters to Rich Joseph of Gapshots fame. While we will miss the antics of Rob and his policy of injury, benching, drug abuse, byes, and retirement not being the cause of a player losing his starting spot, Joseph is sure to liven up the league with his frequent trading and riverboat gambling style. With that, I introduce Owner Rich Joseph!
[The stadium lights now are turned on � full blast. In the center of the stadium, there is a dias. From an opening in the dias, a platform rises and on top of it is Rich Joseph. The awards ceremony has come a long way from the parking lot of the Windom Place 7-11.]
Rich Joseph: Thank you, Todd, for that stirring welcome. Although I have won many fantasy football league on ESPN, I know that I am entering a place where the big boys play. I think, I hope I am ready and I know I will make Rob Ouaou proud.
[Dry ice smoke fills the dias and when it clears, Joseph is gone. He has been replaced by Commissioner Tugwell who sings a 12 minute version of the Star Spangled Banner followed by a medley of ballads from REO Speedwagon, Whitesnake, and Bon Jovi. No one leaves and when Tugwell is finished, no one applauds.]
TT: It is my great honor to present to you the hosts of this year�s award ceremony � the diminutive Bob Costas and one heckuva color commentator, John Madden.
Bob Costas: Thank you, Todd. It truly is my honor to be here. I�ve been on a number of networks and hosted my own show on NBC and HBO, but this is truly the top of the top. Much like Ted Williams in 1941 or the Pirate�s Arky Vaughn in the middle 20�s. Wouldn�t you agree, John?
John Madden: I certainly would, Bob, it�s a heckuva honor. Generally, I need a heckuva big fat contract and a heckuva big, plush bus in my contract, but when representatives from this here Modano league contacted me � Boom � I was there. Anything to get me away from last year�s host Stuart Scott. Does he speak English?
BC: I am really not sure. I certainly can�t understand anything he says, except something about the other side of the pillow and Booyah!
JM: Nevertheless, he�s a heckuva guy.
BC: John, we�re really not here to babble on inanely. Let�s get this party started.
JM: It really should be a heckuva party.
[From now on, you can assume if any word can be modified by heckuva, be it in a good or bad way, Madden will use that modification.]
BC: Our first order of business is the 2002 All-Pro team. This team has been designated by our crack statistics crew. All-pro players are determined by tallying how many all-pro performances (15 or more points) they were able to obtain. In the case of ties, the players who had the highest single game performance wins out. Got that, John?
JM: Not really, but if I keep reading from these cards, I was promised a free meal at IHOP at the end of the ceremony, so I will continue. By the way, I wanted to call this team the All-Madden or All-Heckuva team, but I was overruled by that damn Tugwell. While I am not one to hyperbolize, like when I continually referred to Marc Bulger as a spitting image for Joe Montana, I can�t hyperbolize enough about the QB of the all-pro team. While there other players who had more athletic ability, County Coroners� QB Rich Gannon of my Oakland Raiders made up for his deficiencies with deadly accuracy and ability to improvise. He notched 9 all pro games with a high of 36.
BC: Two running backs stood head and shoulders above the rest of the pack. East Bay Brothers RB Priest Holmes� 2002 season was so dominant he needed just 14 games (not including the bye and injuries that put him on the field) for 9 All-pro games with an outstanding high of 38 points. He was also nominated for the La-la-la-lafontaine MVP Award. While Holmes was brilliant, Peaks Island Wookies� RB Ricky Williams was steady. He also had 9 All-pro performances with a high of 27.
JM: The WR battle was also a two-horse race. But like the runners, the WR showed that they were quite oppositic. For consistency, we had Syracuse 44�s WR Marvin Harrison who had five all-pro games with a high of 23. For sassiness, we could give you San Francisco Cubists WR Terrell Owens who also had 5 all-pro games with a high of 23. Owens and Harrison were the All-pro representatives last year and both players were nominated for the MVP award.
BC: The common misconception would be for people to think that Cubists� Tony Gonzalez automatically got nominated for his 27 point game early in the season. This would be incorrect. The actual All-Pro goes to the Brothers� Todd Heap who had 2 All-pro games with a high of 17. The Brothers with two all-pros, how about that?
JM: It�s damn amazing. You know, before I elevated Pat Summerall to a level on which he had never been, that old coot was a kicker. This year�s all-pro kicker is Brentful Brents Jay Feely who only had one all-pro game but it was for an amazing 19 points. He also looked very good kicked the Falcons to a sweet playoff victory at Lambeau Field.
BC: Yes, that was quite an upset � not terribly surprising, but quite an upset. While I don�t like to be defensive, I will name the all-pro defenders. The top two were the only players this year to score 20 points on the defensive side of the ball: P-Miss Envy�s Brian Urlacher and County Coroner�s Philip Buchanon. Both had two all-pro games. This is Urlacher�s second straight All-Pro year, although last year he had 4 All-Pro games and a season high of 28. Derrick Brooks had 2 all-pro games and 16 points. Brooks has become famous for his 4 TD�s this season, but we must remind everyone his 2 of his TD�s in his brilliant 32 point performance came while he was on the 44�s bench in the Week 3 loss against the Envy. What a shame.
JM: That concludes the All-Pro section of our show. What�s next, Bobby?
BC: Don�t call me that. Next, we will reveal each team�s keepers with the help of our friend and baseball�s next commissioner � Pete Rose!
Pete Rose: I am not going to get beat up by Kane, am I? I�d like to use this public forum to announce that I did not bet on baseball. I do not have a gambling addiction problem. And, once and for all, I never had an affair with Bea Arthur. Those rumors always dog me.
BC: We will start at the bottom. The first pick of next year�s draft will be given to Owner Steve �The Einar� Olsen� whose team had by far its worst year ever. He seems to making up for his misfortune in football with a solid fantasy basketball performance � where his team currently sits 14th in country.
Steve �The Einar� Olsen: My keepers are Steve �The Einar� McNair, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Plexico Burress. McNair has brought Envy fury to the Losers. Nevertheless, I was very unsure who to keep at QB, if Warner comes back next year and does what he did in previous years, I'll be [angry enough to wet myself]. I have not done well with keepers lately. Other than that, I didn't even consider keeping anyone else!
PR: Dammitall! I just lost five large to Dan Weitz since I was sure Einar would keep Terri Glenn � the perfect girl for the perfect team. Glenn has now been a part of the two worst teams two years in a row, so if I were a betting man � and I am not � I�d say that trend would continue. McNair, Tomlinson, and Plexy form a decent trio but only LaDanny isn�t someone who could found in the draft next year.
[As the Einar leaves the stage, his arch nemesis Owner Dan Weitz comes up on the platform. The two eye each other warily.]
Dan Weitz: Hey, Rose, double or nothing you can name my three keepers.
PR: Well, let�s see. The Cookies did not have a good season at home or on the road this year. They only beat the spread three times and those were all in meaningless games in cold weather conditions. I�d say you are ready to make a big change, but Marshall Faulk has to say around.
DW: That�s one. And he�d better not suck next year!
PR: Another good runner was Travis Henry, nominated for the Sneaky Pete Award. He was quite productive, so he�ll be a keeper.
DW: Rose, you are worrying me, that�s two more hits added to your 4192.
PR: Oh yeah, come to papa! Now, I am sure that you will try to screw me up with this third pick so I get screwed out of my five big ones. While neither of us is sure that Emmitt Smith is going to be around Dallas next year with the Big Tuna coming in, I�ll bet you are going to keep him.
DW: Oh, me so sorry, Rose. You owe me 10 large! I am going with Tom Brady as my third keeper. I wanted to keep Moulds but as I learned in my keeper league for ESPN that Wide Recievers are not good keeper material. I kept these 3 simply because they scored the most points per game.
PR: ^@#%$^@#% $^*@#&$^# $^@#%$^&. Looks like I am going to have to sell my blood again, but I will not prostitute myself to anymore Golden Girls.
[Many of the audience members turn a slight shade of green and there is a massive rush toward the restrooms.]
BC: Let�s keep the show rolling. Up next is the new guy � Rich Joseph.
Rich Joseph: With cupboard pretty bare with the team I inherited, I took the most obvious picks � Peyton Manning, Priest Holmes, and David Boston.
PR: The P boys are obvious picks, but I am not so sure about Boston. I saw him leaving narcotics anonymous when I was picking up my son from dealing with reality class.
BC: With all of the losing teams out of the way, we surprising come the 7th rated team in the league, Jason Moore�s San Francisco Cubists.
Jason Moore: I had really trouble choosing three of my might roster to keep for next year, but I finally narrowed it down to Terrell Owens, Jamal Lewis, and Tiki Barber. Tony Gonzalez, Aaron Brooks, Corey Dillon, and Fred Taylor were all tough choices. Gonzo got no points even when Priest was out, Brooks faded down the stretch for the second year in a row, Dillon's a Bengal, and Freddie can't possibly go two years without injury. Terrell is the man, plain and simple. Jamal Lewis came back strong and he and the Ravens should both be better next year. And Tiki Barber (who probably should have been nominated for most surprising player) had yards and goal-line carries.
PR: It�s hard for me to argue with such a track record, but I would have kept Dillon because his best days, like mine, were in Cincinnati.
BC: Next, a jubilant Chad Callahan Nuss is up.
Chad Callahan Nuss: I have decided to keep three Raiders who are no doubt on their way to their first Super Bowl championship in over 20 years against that traitor Gruden. Next year, I will have Rich Gannon, Charlie Garner, and Jerry Rice on my squad. Sorry, Tim Brown, Jerry�s the go-to-guy now.
PR: Oh yes, I laid down $50 that Nuss would keep three Raiders and at 1-1000 odds, I�ll come back with $50.01. Yes! Great job, Chad.
BC: We�re into the top half of the league now. Owner Will Mitchell and your Peaks Island Wookies. No tuck rule to save you this year.
Will Mitchell: Three words for you: Drew!!! Ricky!!! Deuce!!! Some of my WRs and Adam Vinatieri received some consideration, but it wasn�t too hard...The Drew-double-back-attack is our new foundation.
PR: While I am rather mad at the Wookies for wilting like a creamsicle in the hot desert sun, these picks are solid and obvious. Pedro Guerrero could have made these picks.
BC: Next up is media darling Owner Perry Missner and his P-Miss Envy.
Perry Missner: My three keepers are Donovan McNabb, Ray Lewis, and Brian Urlacher. Ray was the third keeper and it was based on his four games of outstanding play. Pennington was great, but he may be the right person at the right time - like Collins was a couple of years ago. Marty Booker received some consideration but considering that the Bears' QB situation is fraught with disaster, I just couldn't pull the trigger.
PR: Defensive players as keepers? I don�t agree with that at all. The game is about scoring TD�s, which McNabb can do, but the others can�t. I would have held onto the A-Train � he�s due for a big comeback on the new grass of the Soldier Field. Oh well.
BC: We are getting into the upper echelons of the league. For the second straight year, the 44�s of Syracuse had a good year. Let�s see who John Stoer picks.
John Stoer: I kept Marvin Harrison, Michael Vick, and Jeremy Shockey. Players who were hard to let go included Eddie George, Edgerrin James, William Green and Derrick Brooks. I kept the three I did because they seemed to be the safest bets for next year out of all my players.
PR: Wow � two players that were traded for each other are keepers! Cool. I really like that Jeremy Shockey � he�s like Terrell Owens, but without all of the negative attitude. He really comes to play and has fun doing it.
BC: I am not sure about all of that, but Steve Johnson is next.
Steve Johnson: Did you see that the Packers were named the best franchise in all of sports by ESPN? That dictated that my three keepers are: Brent "Im getting to old to care" Farf, Ahole "Putting it on the" Green, and Clinton "I�m the only hope" Portis. Hearst, Dunn, Staley, Peerless, Driver are all solid keepers, most of all Peerless. If I wanted someone else I would have gone with a receiver for depth. Not Driver since I don�t want all my eggs in a green and gold basket, and the other guys are good but the numbers aren�t there.
PR: Blech. This team can only go down from here. Portis is a solid keeper pick, but you never know with Denver�s recent record with runners. The other two � terrible. I went to Green Bay once and it surely is the armpit of the nation.
BC: I wholeheartedly agree. The whole city has the stench of inbred hillbilly moron love. Phew. Finally, we get to Randy Chambers and his champion Bears.
Randy Chambers: I think consistency leads to winning. Therefore, I am going with the same crew as last year: Randy, Daunte, and Shaun. It was really hard to cut Heinz. I felt I needed to keep a reliable running back, but it breaks my heart to let my MVP go. In spite of the lame-wads who gave him the Pussier Award last year when he was in fact a top-five receiver, Randy Moss has been the best wideout in the league over the last five years, and Daunte sure scores a lot, on the ground and through the air. The two of them have been climbing up the mountain with me, in spite of mean-spirited awards giving to them for the wrong reasons and deserve to share the view from the top.
PR: Much like the Big Red machine in the mid-70�s had me, Joe Morgan, Tony Perez, and Johnny Bench � the Bears are keeping a championship crew together. Smart move.
[And with a siren wails and Rose is hauled off in the paddy wagon to settle his many debts, including the one to society.]
BC: And that does it for the keepers. Our thanks to Pete Rose for his commentary, although I have to admit that he belongs in the Hall of Fame almost as much as Barry Foote does. And, now we will take a short break.
[While the scenery is being shifted, Madden and Costas entertain the audience with acoustic renditions of Simon & Garfunkle, Hall & Oates, and, of course, Whitesnake.]
BC: Now we are back and ready to start giving away some major hardware. Since people liked it so much last year, we are having presenters for each award. The first award is the Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player. This year�s presenters are current Owner Dan Weitz, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, and Jennifer Lopez.
[The quartet rise onto the stage with Weitz sporting an enormous � grin]
Jennifer Aniston: I know my husband Brad gave me a heckuva time, trying to persuade me not to join Dan in presenting this trophy.
Jennifer Lopez: Yeah, Ben went loco too. It was cute.
Halle Barry: My nameless husband was also quite jealous. Dan, I can just imagine that Tammy must have given you trouble for being with three lovely babes, especially since she just delivered your third child.
DW: Nah, she knows that I am safe. After all, as I have announced publicly numerous times � I done had my vasectomy!
[All three women seem suddenly disappointed.]
JL: [Perking up] But we have this award to give out, but first let me give out a shout out to my homies from where I come from � Bronx is in the house.
HB: The nominees for the Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player are Hines Ward of the Bull City Bears.
JL: Clinton Portis and Donald Driver of the Brentful Brents.
JA: And, Travis Henry of cutie pie Dan�s Veaselicious Cookies.
DW: Clinton Portis received no votes, and my main man Henry received votes from the Envy and the sort of the from Bears.
PM: Henry came from a muddled Buffalo RB situation to become a quality RB. Ward is a close second, although he was pretty good last year.
RC: Hines Ward was the best player on the best team in the league, coming out of the sixth round. Hard to argue with that. Travis Henry was a close second, as his consistent running helped keep the Cookies in the title race into December.
HB: Of course, Randy could not vote for Ward because he was on his team. Ward did come in second, receiving votes from the Brents, Cookies, and Wookies
SJ: When I looked at the leader boards for each position, I had to exclaim "Ward? Whats he here for?" He was always solid but never got the big press. I was going to go with Driver since he was undrafted and all (a good sign of surprise), but I knew he'd be Farfs #1 and whoever is Farfs #1 is expected to do well. I knew Portis would do well if he got the chance.
DW: Even though I submitted Henry I picked Hines Ward because who would have thought a Steeler wide out would have such a great year with a reject from the WWF throwing to him.
WM: I picked ward because pittsburgh sucks and has crappy QBs and he shouldnt have done that well - and they should be out of playoffs now!
JA: Before I get to the winner, I would like to announce that I am ready to leave Brad Pitt and live and love you, Dan � if you are ready for me.
DW: I am sorry Jennifer � I love my wife very much and will continue to raise our three children with her. Maybe you can be with the Einar.
JA: No way! The winner of this year�s Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player is the Brentful Brents Donald Driver.
[98% of the audience boo and throw tomatoes at the stage. Those given testimonials for Driver are completely drowned out. Driver and the presenters leave the stage under police escort and we can move on to the next award.]
BC: Whew, what a ruckus, and all due to an undeserving player winning an award over Heinz Ward. John, we had better be careful.
JM: Yes, that was a heckuva scrum. Let�s get on to the next award: Presenting the Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player are Steve Johnson look-a-like Richard Dean Anderson and Cosmo Kramer.
Cosmo Kramer: Hey Buddy, didn�t I see you at the audition for Pirahna 5: Fish who can teach calculus?
Richard Dean Anderson: Yes, that was me. Sadly, the part that I was going for went to Dustin Diamond.
CK: I was going for that part as well, but I did get the part of Dr. Van Nostrand.
RDA: Congratulations. My latest audition is for the Todd Tugwell story, I figure I am shoe in since some people once called him McGuyver.
CK: Good luck with that, buddy. Now, the nominees for the Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player are Brentful Brent Brent Farf, Terri Glenn and Kurt Warner of Einar�s Lovable Losers, and Anthony Thomas of the P-Miss Envy.
RDA: While Thomas was clearly disappointing coming from a keeper role, he did not win.
JS: Glenn isn't disappointing because you can't expect anything from him. Warner was hurt, Farf was good. Has to be Thomas.
SO: I would have voted for either Warner or Glenn but they were on my team. Why Favre is even on this list is amazing, he almost won the league MVP. If the Packers would have had any more injuries this season, Weasel and Amber Weitz would have been signed to the practice squad.
DW: I would have been an improvement on some of the crap the Packers put out there, but I would never sell out to the devil.
CK: Good for you, buddy. Somehow neither awful Packer won this award either.
DW: well this is pretty much a given every year when I hear Pussier I immediately think of the inbred moron but this year I will admit that Girl glenn should get a vote too so I split my vote between the moron and the sissy, oops I probably gave her an ouchy with that comment. I better stick to Miss Glenn. Hey Einar you owe me 5 bucks told yah Glenn wouldnt catch over 10 touchdowns. A safer bet would have been to bet that Farve throws 20 times or more to the opposing team.
PM: Glenn was a second round pick and the expectations were for him to be something now that he couldn't get into trouble in Green Bay (unlike Mossy Cade, James Lofton, Mark Chmura, etc., etc.). While he didn't get into trouble, which was a disappointment in and of itself, he just sucked and took the Einar's entire team down with him.
RDA: The winner of this year�s Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player is a former Modano MVP, Kurt Warner of the Einar�s Luvable Losers.
RC: This one is too easy. The name of the game in Fantasy Football is to stay healthy, score and not throw picks. Strike one, strike two, strike three!
WM: no brainer here - the supposed top dog of the nfl does NOTHING this year with and without injuries
CC: what else needs to be said...this guy went from MVP to worst in a few games.
SJ: Warner didnt do anything, and had the chances. Favre did Ok but did anyone really think Glenn would?
JMo: I really thought I was going to pick Terri Glenn, because I don't think injuries should contribute to votes here. But Warner was so crappy when he did play that he gets the nod.
Kurt Warner: I blame Mike Holmgren for screwing up my mindset when I was in Packer training camp 10 years ago. I suck.
BC: From the old and ugly, we go to the young and promising. To present the Eric Wunderkind Weinrich Rookie of the Year Award, I give you Vice President Dick Chaney and Yao Ming, sans interpreter.
Dick Chaney: As essentially the most powerful man in the world at this time, let�s be honest, Georgie is a stuge, I can pretty much dictate world policy � so, Yao, if I wanted to send you back to China, I could.
Yao Ming: [nods and smiles, waves to the audience]
DC: Boy, I�ve been through this before. Let�s get to it - the nominees for this year�s Eric Wunderkind Weinrich Rookie of the Year Award are Clinton Portis of the Brentful Brents, and a trio of Syracuse 44�s: Jeremy Shockey, Roy Williams, and William Green.
Yao Ming: [nods and smiles, waves to the audience]
DC: Much like Al Gore, none of the 44�s had the votes to win this election. Although Williams and Shockey did receive a Ralph Nader worth of votes (1). Steve Johnson voted for Shockey and Dan Weitz voted for the aptly named Roy Williams.
SJ: The points were there for Williams but TE is just to hard a position. (Its definitly Portis though!)
DW: gotta go with the cowboy here
DC: The rest of the voters made this a landslide for this year�s Eric Wunderkind Weinrich Rookie of the Year Award, a name I don�t care for � Clinton Portis.
RC: While Portis was in-and-out of the lineup, he came on like a banshee out of hell down the stretch. The other four lamewads scored less than 100 points each. This was a week rookie group. Never, ever, vote for a Cowboy. Why Stoer kept him all year I will never, ever, never, understand.
JS: Portis, but you gotta like the other choices and I can't vote for any of them.
SO: Shockey was good, Portis is better!
WM: portis rocks and should be a patriot. considered shockey but hes too much of a jackass
CC: amazin stats.
PM: An easy pick - not even close as Portis became a top runner.
JMo: Shockey's final numbers were impressive, and Williams had some great highlights, but this is an easy pick.
Clinton Portis: Thank you very much for the award. Thanks especially go to Steve Johnson who believes, as I do, in the power of reggae to heal the world. Now, can we please get some non-inbred morons on my team?
[The crowd erupts into applause. When the noise settles some, we go on to our next award.]
BC: For our next award, the Don Sweeney Trophy for Defensive Player of the Year, we turn William �the Refrigerator� Perry and Homer Simpson.
William Perry: Homer, do you like donuts?
Homer Simpson: [tongue hanging out] rrrgrggrgaarargagr
WP: I once ate 23 donuts in one sitting.
HS: Impressive, but my head was once made into a donut by the devil.
WP: You got me beat. Let�s announce the award. The nominees for the Don Sweeney Trophy for Defensive Player of the Year are Brian Urlacher and Keith Brooking of the P-Miss Envy, Derrick Brooks of the Syracuse 44�s, and Donnie Edwards of the San Francisco Cubists. I�m rooting for Urlacher.
HS: Well, Keith Brooking, despite adjusting from a Loser system to a non-loser system did not get any support. There was one write-in vote, the only write-in of the voting process. The Coroners tabbed their own Rod Woodson for the award, but as we all know- you can�t vote for your own players.
CC: whatever!
WP: Donnie Edwards received one vote from the Envy.
PM: Brooks scored a lot of TD's, but he was on the 44 bench for a couple of them. Edwards was solid all year long for the Cubists and very underrated. I wouldn't mind having him join the Envy next year.
WP: Damn, coming in second is last year�s winner, Brian Urlacher, who received votes from the 44�s, Wookies and Cookies.
JS: I'd still go with Brooks because of his 4 TD's this season, but since I can not, Urlacher is the ONLY other legitimate choice here.
WM: he rocks
DW: I was going to pick Brooking but then I saw he played for the Einar so no way.
HS: The winner of this year�s Don Sweeney Trophy for Defensive Player of the Year is this year�s first repeat winner: Derrick Brooks of the 44�s.
RC: This is the toughest vote of all. Urlacher certainly is a great candidate. However, I thought DBrooks ability to score set him apart. When you have a scoring threat on defense, it changes the complexion of the Fantasy game. That, and DBrooks actually has to share the points with competent d-mates in Tampa, while Urlacher gets to make all the tackles in Urban Champagne.
SO: I considered Urlacher, but my dislike for the Bears gives the vote to Brooks. As a side note: Both the Packers and Bears had a significant amount of injuries, Favre carried his team, did Urlacher?
WP: That was possibly the stupidest point ever made.
SJ: 4 TDs! Im mean 4 TDs! How often does a LB get that? Urlacher was a damn close 2nd.
JMo: Urlacher's numbers ended up better, but the INTs for TDs swayed me.
Derrick Brooks: While my best game of the season was while I was sitting on the bench I will happily accept this award and give thanks to Tony Dungy.
BC: I guess it is up to us, big guy, to share the big awards with the fans.
JM: I suppose so, small fry. Let�s get it on. The nominees for this year�s Pat La-la-la-Lafontaine Most Valuable Player Award are Priest Holmes of the East Bay Brothers, Rich Gannon of the County Coroners, Hines Ward of the Bull City Bears, Terrell Owens from the San Francisco Cubists, and Marvin Harrison from the Syracuse 44�s.
BC: Wow � three wide receivers. Sadly, Owens despite being the high scorer on the highest scoring team did not receive any support in this category.
JM: Even more surprising was the MVP of the champion, Hines Ward of the Bears, only received one vote � from the 44�s.
JS: MVP of the Champs, MVP of the League.
BC: For a change the top rated runner from a bottom dwelling team did not win the award � Priest Holmes only took home two votes, both from Packer fans who really didn�t pay attention to the context of the league.
SJ: That guys just scored every damn week! (when in) I thought that guy would fade after last year. Boy was I wrong.
SO: I considered Gannon, but Holmes was on pace to set an all time fantasy record before he got hurt.
JM: That�s what�s known as the Tuffy Rhodes rule. The old pace. Coming in second place for the MVP was Mr. Consistency, Marvin Harrison.
DW: He smashed the single season receiving record so you have to give him some props plus I can�t vote for the real MVP (holmes) because the team who had him probably doesn�t even know how many points he scored because they never check their team.
RC: Again, if I can vote for my guy, Hines was the best player on the best team. If I cannot vote for him, then I would vote for Marvin Harrison. He consistently put up 10-15 points per game at a position where consistent scoring is rare. If Randy Moss was Pussier last year for scoring a lot while being a punk-wad, I don't understand how Terrell Owens can be MVP this year doing the same. Priest Holmes' team sucked and he lamed out down the stretch.
BC: There will be rioting again in Oakland as this year�s winner of the Pat La-la-la-Lafontaine Most Valuable Player Award is County Coroner QB Rich Gannon. He received votes that counted from the Envy, Wookies and Cubists, and one that didn�t from the Coroners.
CC: Rich better win this one.....people!
WM: gannon earned it in every way...
PM: Gannon turned the Coroners from their usual 8-9 to a 10-7 team. He was consistent all year long. He meant the most wins for his team.
JMo: A really tough call. Ward was the glue for the Bears, but the other WRs up for consideration outscored him by 30+ points. Seeing as how RC didn't vote for Terrell Owens last year in a similar situation, I don't feel guilty. Holmes was incredible, and with any other owner he would probably get my vote. Gannon was the man for the Coroners, and he gets my vote.
Rich Gannon: I know I am a rather squirrelly character who wasn�t easy to vote for, but � damn � look at the point production. Thanks to the gnat attack and, of course, Mr. Jesus upstairs.
JM: Well, we only have one more award to give out, and dare I say what a heckuva award it is.
BC: I would be surprised if you didn�t. The final award is the big enchilada � the Modano Mi Hermano Award for Best Owner. This year�s award came down to three owners. Jason Moore, Randy Chambers, and Will Mitchell will you all please come to the stage area?
[The three leaves their respective seats and join hands on the stage, each looking as nervous as a man who needs to pee in a water fountain store]
BC: Seven of this year�s owners did not receive any votes, but that shouldn�t make them feel bad. Let�s have a round of applause for all of the owners.
[A smattering of claps is heard while Jason, Randy, and Will�s collective need to pee looks like it is getting to a critical stage. Beads of sweat form on their lips and their Vaseline smiles are starting to wear off.]
JM: C�mon, Bob, let�s get this thing moving. I�ve a heckuva curiosity to who won.
BC: The second runner up in this year�s Modano Mi Hermano Award for Best Owner is � three time Modano winner Jason Moore. He received votes from the Cookies and Envy.
JMo: [letting go � but neither relieved nor happy] Damn!
DW: Even though I hate the fact that every year he makes us all look foolish, well at least me, he deserves it. He scored like 175 points more then the next team. Bull city won the title but I almost scored more points then them, can�t give it to luck I most reward skill even though in fantasy football there really is no skill.
PM: Despite bad luck, Jamo had by far the best team. I'd give him this award alone on the time and elbow grease he used to massage Fred Taylor's groin to play 15 games. Also, getting Jamal Lewis to stay healthy and getting fantastic production out of Tiki. I think he had the teams that most people feared. Sto improved his team the most from beginning of the season to the end, but it was mostly at my expense - no vote for you! Randy was more lucky than good.
BC: And now it is the time we have all been waiting for. We have two contestants here that exemplify everything Modano has come to stand for. First, we have Will Mitchell � the proverbial Cinderella story, rags to riches, worst to first, etc., etc., On the other hand, we have the bridesmaid in Randy Chambers who finally got her man, so to speak. So close so many seasons in the past, much like the Buffalo Bills, yet never able to get over that hump.
[Code red has now hit both Randy and Will as both are only holding it together by a miracle.]
BC: This year�s first runner up for the Modano Mi Hermano Award for Best Owner is �
JM: C�mon Bob � tell us, tell us.
BC: Will Mitchell!
[Randy begins to shake, then the tears start in earnest followed by uncontrollable shaking and waving to the audience. The partisan crowd chants, �Randy! Randy! Randy!�]
BC: [shouting over the din] Mitchell received votes from the Bears and the Brents.
SJ: From worst to a contender in one year. That shows moxie kid!
RC: [stuttering and getting the words out while happily weeping] I said it in my valedictory, and I will say it again. Will took a last place team, used savvy keeper selections and great drafting to keep them in the title hunt into the last weeks of the year. Brilliant. A stunning achievement. Not only that, unlike a certain unnamed Redskins fan in orange camoflauge who's name rhymes with "Doh"!, Will achieved all that without any Cowgirls and other NFC East detritus on his roster.
BC: Yes, that means that this year�s Modano Mi Hermano Award for Best Owner winner is the one and only Randy Chambers. Let�s hear some testimonials!
JMo: Sto deserves mention for his excellent rookie picks and shrewd trades. Will had an incredible turnaround and gets major points for selecting Deuce, although he loses a few for not having the cajones to play Fauria over Franks. RC gets my vote for his Damn Yankees/Steaks-esque run to glory despite semi-disappointing totals from his keepers.
WM: he won the damn thing - even with those minnesotans...
CC: Winning with such a crappy team....! gotta be the coach....
JS: His cuisine reigns supreme!
RC: Oh man, so many people to thank. Randy and Daunte have been here the longest. They deserve praise. Of course, major props to my main man, most important part of the holy trinity, Jesus Christ, and my conduit to the supernatural Mark Brunell, who kept this team high in the eyes of the lord. St. Stephen Davis made major strides and Jerome �the Bus� Bettis was running downhill all year long. And all of this wouldn�t have been possible with great education I received from Sidwell-
[The music starts playing, cutting Randy off.]
RC: But I had more people to thank-
BC: Sorry, Randy, your 45 seconds is up. Now, it is time for your beating.
[Randy is blindsided by an onrushing Perry Missner who instead of beating the crap out of this year�s Modano award winner, gives Randy the noogie to best all noogies. Meanwhile, the band plays Michael Jackson�s Beat It]
BC: And so ends this year�s ceremony. This has surpassed all of my expectations and I can now retire completely fulfilled. I have a few people to thanks as well-
[Costas is blindsided by both Missner and Chambers who leave him a mess. And with the requisite violence out of the way, this ends the 2002 Modano Mi Hermano season. See you in, 2003]
----------------------------------My Fingers are Numb from Typing Press-----------------------