Bull City Bears 88 Inbred Brentful Brents 51 The most powerful force in Modano country and perhaps the nation as we know it now is the name �Bears.� Clearly, once a thing is named �Bears� in 2001, it can not be stopped � by incompetent QB play (yes, you Shane Matthews) or by 14 point deficits in less than a minute. It certainly can not be stopped by anything named Brent which is inbred. That fact was clearly demonstrated in Week 9 as Owner Randy Chambers� Bull City Bears made mincemeat of the Inbred Brentful Brents, who are falling faster than the Alpiner guy after he had been hit by a skunk. Does anyone remember Alpiner for the TI? The Bears used a balanced attack for their record 4th blowout in a row. The 2000 San Francisco Cubists had three blow outs (games won by more than 25 points) in a row, but no team has ever managed such a month of domination. On the other side of the coin, this was the third blowout loss in a row for the Brents, who seem to have lost team cohesion since rebel alliance general, Payton Manning, left the squad. In 2000, the Devils were bashed with 4 straight blow out losses, but the Brents appear to be headed in that direction. Brent QB Brent Farf had trouble figuring out the intricacies of the football helmet in the first quarter of his match up and proceeded to throw interception after interception. Keep it up, Brent! Even Johnson wished that Farf would start throwing to his own team, but no one is sure if the low IQ of the QB allows him to differentiate between friends and enemies. He totaled 6 points and seemed much more comfortable handing off to RB A-hole Green and making that ludicrous fake throw. Did Rick Sutcliffe teach him that one? Green fumbled once but managed to get 18 points because the Tampa defense was concentrating more on punishing Farf. K Ryan Longshanks came up with just three points and the Brent kicking game is now the worst in the league. The flexes were also small for the Brents as each created a season low. The defense did have 10 points from LB Chad Brown but was held to 13 overall. The offense came up with three of a kind � all deuces from Patten, Lamar Smith and Charlie Garner. Keeper Joe Horn, who Johnson is glad he kept, scored just 2 points. Dwayne Carswell didn�t help the worst tight end team either with only 3 points. The one ray of hope for the suddenly bumbling Brents was QB Brad Johnson who scorched the Packers for 18 points. Sadly, he will probably never see the light of day. Johnson said of his opponent, �I guess it�s proven that the mob is putting pressure on God. The Bears are just to GD lucky!! And I don�t mean lucky as in getting more opportunities with the ball (aka the Pack), I mean lucky as in a touchdown falling in your lap, TWICE. They are just spending all their karma early. The well is dry. They will have to now lean on their....talent?� Chambers was too stunned at all of the harsh words by Johnson to say anything at all � a first. Chambers could have also been rendered speechless by his team�s good play of late. Even without keepers QB Daunte Culpepper and WR Randy Moss, the team amassed a nice amount of points. QB Mark Brunell and RB Shaun Alexander were the only Bears to score TD�s and each had 12 points. WR Jimmy Smith continued his strong play of late with 8 points and Jerome Bettis rolled for another 6. K Wade Richey upped his lead as the #1 kicker with 10 points and Curtis Martin held onto his #1 ranking although he only had 1 point. The Bear defense came up with big points to help increase the winning margin to blowout status. Keith Brooking, the #1 linebacker, had 14 points and Michael Barrow had 13. DB Champ Bailey went into his bye, and his first week on the bench, with 6 points. The only mistake that Chambers made was playing TE Booger Frankfurter (1 point) instead of Desmond Clark who scored 10. It�s unforgivable but the Bears got the win in spite of his gaffe.
San Francisco Cubists 83 Syracuse 44�s 67 Two teams. Two differing histories. One of sublimity and one of mediocrity. One lop-sided history furthered. Owner John Stoer knew his 44�s had to beat the Cubists to staunch the bleeding that had been opened up by the Bears in week 8. He tried every motivational trick in the book short of picking up QB Ryan Leaf and inserting him into the lineup. Leaf is out there and he is now a starter. This is not to mention that Leaf has 44 history. Yet, the one thing the 44�s do not need is a quarterback. Donovan McNabb has been everything Stoer had hoped for and more. McNabb overcame a few off weeks to score his 5th all pro performance with 17 points, plus a gameball from Stoer. The only other 44 to reach pay dirt was WR Kevin Johnson who scored 12 points on one TD. Stoer believes in Tiki Barber, but �I have sadly watched the Giants multiple times this year already and they are giving the ball to that fat, fumbling, lard-ass from Wisconsin [Jeff Sehmer?] as much as they are giving it to Tiki who was their most dynamic offensive weapon on their SUPER BOWL team of a year ago.� Barber scored 6 points. WR Marvin Harrison also was not terribly proficient as he only scored 2 and he was matched by WR Eric Moulds. TE Wesley Walls, who is now making a concerted effort to find someone who likes him but has so far not come up with anyone, scored 1 point. The 44 defense set a steam low with 15 points. The Cubists did not get a match at the QB position with Aaron Brooks having an off game with -1, but everywhere else they were superior to the 44�s. WR Terrell Owens was fresh off the bye and scored 20 points on two TD�s. Owens is the #4 keeper and had 3 all pro performances. He still believes that his number should be called more often because he doesn�t respect Troy Brown. But Brown is respectable, the #4 receiver in the league had another 13 point game. RB Dominic Rhodes came off the scrap heap to help the Cubists� offensive flex have their best game. Rhodes had an all-pro 15 and the flex had 30. K Adam Vinatieri saw his first action of 2001 and had 7 points. The Cubist defensive flex had 20 points but kept Harrison, Walls and Moulds in check. Sammy Knight had 10. On the win, Moore, who was toasting the victory with Pacifico beer, said, �Those Syracuse kids are great any time you can come out ahead of a team like them you feel very fortunate. They've got a bunch of playmakers we just tried to contain and keep the big plays to a minimum, and it worked out. Dominic Rhodes was a great spark for the offense, and Sammy Knight did the same for the defense. Troy Brown may not get the recognition of Owens, but his consistency is a huge plus for us.� Brown then stuck his tongue out at Owens who then performed a number of gestures. On the loss, Stoer, who was drowning his sorrows in any brand of beer that he could find (except Coors which happens to be sold by Nazis) said, �This was a tough week for us. As Bret Hart has always said, �If you want to be the best, you've got to beat the best,� and we've come up woefully short the past two weeks against fierce rivals. Nothing but credit to the Cubists, they are a great team and worthy champions. Our problem, I have deduced, can be traced back to one factor. Trading Flutie. Always a mistake. We've been spiraling downwards ever since. Perhaps there is something to the whole coach/GM thing. Maybe they are two jobs for a reason. Besides the disastrous Flutie deal (with A-train also, ugh), there have been other shaky personnel moves. We'll give it another week or two, otherwise things could get ugly around here.� Flutie, reportedly not happy on a bottom-feeding team with no chance at Modano gold, would consider a return to back up Donovan. The same can not be said of Anthony Thomas who has found his home for his career.
Einar�s Luvable Losers 93 Weaselicious Cookies 79 While no one knows the exact origin of the hatred between arch-rival Owners Dan Weitz and Steve �The Einar� Olsen, we do know for sure that it started long before their Modano days. Perhaps it was one too many last second victories for the Weasel in Sega sports games. Or perhaps it was when the Einar decided that he had enough of the Pick�n�Save life. Whatever it was, when players come aboard either team, they learn to hate the other. Perhaps injured Emmitt Smith said it best, �All of the games are equally important, but playing the Einar is more important than the others.� But, to better in even clearer light, we can take the words from Weitz himself, �I hate the einar!!!!� he shouted as a comeback attempt by QB Brian Griese ended in vain. The Losers, who received TD�s from five different players, have now won all three match ups in Modano history and won�t face their arch-rival again until 2002. In fact, the Losers are the only active team in the league that the Cookies have not beaten. This game, played without any of either team�s keepers, showed off the depth of the Losers and the lack thereof for the Cookies. The Einar inserted QB Rob Johnson into the line up for the first time and Johnson came through, sort of, with 5 points. WR Antonio Freekman got the starting nod and scored 10, which was only surpassed by WR Marty Booker who scored 12. TE Marcus Pollard scored another TD and RB LaDainian Tomlinson had his another � his first in a few weeks. Five TDs, five players. Only Keyshawn and Keenan did not score TD�s for the offense and they combined for 9 points. K Olindo Mare had a nice 12 points and the defense also came up with 28 big points. Only DB Darren Duller did not play well with only 4, but Mike Peterson was outstanding with 14. LB Nate Wayne played fair with 10, but he needs some dancing lessons from Vanilla Ice or possible Hammer. Speaking of dancing, the Einar seemed more concerned with his dance steps for his debut with N*Sync than he was in returning repeated call from the media. The cupboard wasn�t completely bare for the Cookies. The team received the best defensive performance in team history. LB Dexter Coakley did Weitz proud by scoring a rare defensive TD and had 17 points. Jason Sehorn and Jamil Miller combined for another 17. Despite continuing to have the worst rated defense in the league, the Cookies have had the most all pro performance from the defensive side � three. What is even more impressive is that the Cookies have the least amount of all-pro performance � 7 and three have come from the defense. K Mike Vanderjagt was a late replacement for Matt Stover and came through with 12 points, a team high. However, when you start players like Lamont Warren in your starting RB slot, you should expect some trouble. Warren, subbing for an injured Smith, scored 0. David Sloan gave his new team their first tight end bagel. The offensive flex was also nothing to write home about as they were held touchdownless and only combined for 14 points. The aforementioned Griese did lead a spirited comeback attempt on Monday night. He needed just 29 points to tie up the Losers. He gave his all and scored 15 � all-pro but not good enough. A despondent Weitz chucked the game ball at a kid down the street and said that his entire team stunk. Weitz, who was contemplating downing a bottle of Stoli, said, �I miss Wesley Walls because everyone [except everyone] likes him. I am glad Emmitt is back because I just can�t be mad at him for long. I hate fantasy football.� He then left the podium, leaving the media surprised that they hadn�t been cussed, cursed or sworn at. A few minutes later, Weitz reappeared with his bottle of Stoli � half-drunk. He said, �At least I can beat einar at Pool on Yahoo a game that takes skill I'm sick of this luck bullspit. Yeah I said bullspit so [go away].�
County Coroners 95 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 94 The place was the inside of Raider nation where two big Raiders fan met in the arena of battle. While Owner Rob Ouaou will readily admit that he doesn�t love the Raiders with quite the passion of Owner Chad G. Nuss, he also knows that he has a gem in dancin� Charles Woodson. Ouaou also knows that he may have pulled the deal of the century in getting Payton Manning, Priest Holmes and James Thrash for a now injured Edgerrin James and one whiny bitch. Manning has become the new leader of the Devils and showed his leadership skills with two TD�s and team high 20 points. It was Manning�s 4th all pro performance. Not to be outdone, Holmes had a TD and 18 points and reclaimed his #2 running back status. Even James Thrash, who had been absent since week 2, stepped up big time with 18 points � a team WR high � on 2 TD�s. That�s 56 points from three guys who used to be Brents and happy to be free. TE Freddie Jones threw in another TD for the second straight week and had 8 points. WR David Boston had 9 points as well. The middlin� performances of twos, threes and fours of Qadry, Jay Feely and the defensive guys could be overlooked. The Devils� 88 Sunday points had the Coroners and Nuss wonderstruck. Nuss had placed QB Jeff Garcia in the line up to set a spark under incumbent Raider QB Rich Gannon, but now there is a QB controversy boiling up in the County. Garcia did score 2 TD�s and have 18 points. In his two Coroner starts, has scored 35 points to go along with his two all pro performances. Back up QB Tom Brady stunned all with 26 points. Even backup to backup QB Jay Fiedler had 12 points. The New York TD Exchange of the Coroner flex of Laverneus Coles and Ike Hilliard each scored 10 points a TD apiece. On the subject of Ike Hilliard, ESPN�s Tom Oates said, �If Hilliard weren�t in the NFC Least (as he cleverly called it), he wouldn�t be starting in the NFL. This year the NFC Least (he repeated his cleverness) is so bad that the most of the teams in the Big East could beat them.� Oates went on to say that while the Bears are 6-1, they �stink because Mark Hatley made them in his own image. Now, Hatley�s a Packers guy and has resurrected the career of Jim Flanigan� that traitor. The Coroner defensive flex was also alive with 17 points being contributed by Rodney Harrison and Ryan McNeil. The Coroners were still down by 30 points going into Monday night but they had 4 players going against 2 Devils � RB Mike Anderson and the aforementioned DB Charles Woodson. The Coroners did not have to worry about Anderson because Terrell Davis made his comeback and took all of the carries. Slowly but surely, the Coroners chipped away at the lead. WR Jerry Rice, who reminds some of a vampire and recently celebrated the same birth date as George Burns, scored 3 points. DB Deltha O�Neal showed that he was really part of the Coroner cause with 8 points. K Sebastian Janakowski scored 8 points to keep his #2 kicker ranking. Off the bench, RB Zach Crockett scored 12 points and outgoing TCU Coach Billy Tubbs said that he had always been a great partner. But the greatest chunk of the league was chewed up by WR Tim Brown. Brown set a Coroner season high from the WR slot with 18 points and two TD�s. His second TD came while being guarded by Devil DB Charles Woodson, who didn�t make much of a play on the ball. League investigators are looking at the tapes of the game to see which side Woodson was really playing for. His two points really did not help the Devils and had he not been injured, Woodson may have won the game for Owner Rob Ouaou. In any case, the huge comeback made Nuss feel tingly all over. Nuss said, �I just wish I had played Gannon (who scored 27 points) instead of that fairy Garcia.� Each team raised the team high which had been 90 for both.
Peaks Island Wookies 94 P-Miss Envy 52 It had to happen. The coin can only land on tails so many times and for once the people of Peaks Island, MN have something to smile about. The Peaks Island Wookies did it. They broke through into the win column by abusing the poorly run P-Miss Envy into submission. Owner Will Mitchell finally has the monkey off his back and it all came as he gave up on this season and started to look to 2002. That fact was realized when the Wookies picked up RB Jamal Lewis who is out for the season. Lewis, who was thought by many to be the first pick of this year�s draft, hurt his knee and was declared out for the season just before the draft. Mitchell sent a message to all of his players with that pick up: you are playing for your jobs. The team responded to the message. Standing in the front of the line was TE Shannon Sharpe who finally scored his first TD of the season. Of course, that resulted in a Wookie high with 9 points. QB Jake Plummer did not make any critical mistakes and scored 12 points. RB Ricky Williams did not fumble and scored 13 points. Even Mike Alstott, who has been known to have one big game followed by 6 or 7 nothing games, scored a TD and 9 points. The Wookie D did its part as well scoring a combined 26 points led by DL Jason Taylor�s 10. DL Michael Strahan had 8 and now has 30 more points than any other defensive lineman in the league. Amazing. More amazing is that the Wookie D doubled up the previously feared Envy D. The Envy had their worst day in many respects, but not all respects. The defensive flex only scored 12 points, 5 lower than their previous low. Somehow Brian Urlacher only scored 4 despite being all over the field. K Jose Cortez only scored 3 points, another team low. The offensive flex, which by the way scored a team low, had only 9 points as the three rookies were kept under wraps. WR Curtis Conway did not prove to be the difference maker as he only scored 4 points in what will be his only start in the WR slot. The biggest disappointment came from the smallest player. The teensy, tiny Doug Flutie got stepped on by some 300 pound behemoth and lost his memory. He couldn�t remember the playbook, what day of the week it was or even that pass he threw against Miami to win his Heisman trophy. All in all, he threw an interception, for a few yards and ended up with a -1. RB Anthony Thomas pronounced himself a P-Miss man for keeps with an inspiring 16 points as he became the focus of the Bears� offense. It was Thomas� second straight all-pro performance and the high score for the Envy RB slot. TE Jay Riemersma also had a nice game with a TD and 9 points, tying the Envy high. He makes Byron Chamberlain expendable if anyone wants him. Overshadowing the play of all of the P-Miss players was QB Steve �Austin� McNair who had been pleading with Owner Perry Missner to put him in the game. McNair scored four TD�s and 36 points and had a decidedly different attitude after his huge performance. �If Mr. Missner doesn�t want to put me in the game, then he should get another job. I am sick of being held down. I want to start and I want to start now.� He proceeded to gulp down a couple of beers and shouted, �Hell yeah.� As of Monday afternoon, Mitchell was still unsure if his team had won despite being up by 20 points and having Rod Smith playing on Monday night. Mitchell said, �did I win? I think I have 73 pts plus rod the man smith in MNF and I think Perry has 52. John Carney only scored 1 points, will I lose because of that? Will Rod Smith fumble 10 times? I'm still wondering how this weeks game might end up in a tie - like Perry somehow coming back on me tonight to tie the game and then me loosing the tiebreaker by not playing any patriots or something...� He then had an extended rant on how doesn�t like the diet Coke with furniture polish and �I think Kyle Turley should get a pat on the back. He saw that evil Jet trying to rip the head off poor Aaron brooks, so he ripped the jet head off and flipped off the world. We understand his frustration. We feel his pain. We like his tattoos.� Now, that is attitude.
Week 10 previews - Week 10 will have all eyes on the top of the standings � where the Bull City Bears and Einar�s Luvable Losers match up in the first week of team�s seeing each other for the second time. As we all clearly remember, the Losers beat the Bears on their way to an early 4-0 record. Since then, the Bears have taken off � leaving everyone crushed in their wake. The Bears welcome back Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss and the Losers welcome back Kurt Warner and Isaac Bruce. All will be fresh and rested to score a lot of points. The Bears will also try a three LB defense for the first time this season with Champ Bailey being on the bye. Hopefully, those middle linebackers won�t get in each other�s ways. The Losers will counter with returning RB Terrell Davis, once a Wookie keeper now a member of the Loser offensive flex. The other member of the first place trio is the San Francisco Cubists. They are fresh off their win of the 44�s and must keep the focus for the nearby Walnut Creek Mountain Devils. The Cubists will be without keeper RB Stephen Davis but he has not been much of a factor in any case. Moore said, �The Devils have always matched up very well against us. They've got a potent offense over there, and I think our offense is starting to have nightmares because we are watching so much film of Derrick Brooks. We're pleased to have Corey Dillon back in the lineup, and looking forward to Warrick Dunn shaking off the effects of his injury.� Well said. The Cubists welcome back the Corey Dillon and will try Derek �the Rock� Smith out with the defense. He performed well against them once upon a time. The Devils shocked all by making their first waiver pick up of the season with RB Jason Brookins. Owner Rob Ouaou lives in Baltimore so he should have the inside scoop on Brookins. The Devils continue to have an open roster spot and they only start 2 players from their Week 1 line up. The Cubists handled the Devils rather easily in Week 1. The suddenly sinking Syracuse 44�s try to edge their way back into the championship race against the similarly failing Inbred Brentful Brents. People are still talking about their double-century week 1 match up, but both owners looked inward as they looked toward Week 10. Owner John Stoer said, �Maybe we were just looking ahead to this week, yeah, that must be it.� While Owner Steve Johnson replied, �Remember what I said last week? [Something about never being .500 or below � well, you are there, buddy boy] Well I meant it for this week.� The 44�s have the same line up in place as last week with the exception of new insertion John Abraham. The Brents will try out the Edgerrin/A-hole line up. They also welcome back Scrote. The slap happy County Coroners are coming off one of the greatest comeback wins in league history and they face the bottom dwelling P-Miss Envy. The Coroners had four QB�s score in double digits, so that will be the biggest decision for Owner Chad G. Nuss. That and how many Raiders he should play. At this point, Nuss will go with Gannon but he may change his mind. The Envy seem to be in disarray. The only players on the team that are sure of their spots are LB Brian Urlacher and RB Anthony Thomas. RB Troy Hambrick will be in the line up if Emmitt can�t go. It looks like Jim Miller will be the starting QB despite Steve �Austin� McNair�s protestations. TE Jay Riemersma feels like he may have found a home, but everyone will be needed if the Envy are to return to respectability. Two other teams look for a bit of respect are the Peaks Island Wookies and Weaselicious Cookies. Has anybody noticed that last year they were the Weaselicious Good Cookies, but they seem to have lost their �Good?� That�s no coincidence. The Cookies had their spirit broken by a loss in their only chance at the Einar. Maybe Emmitt Smith will be healthy enough to play or possible RB Marshall Faulk who looking less and less likely to win back to back MVP�s. Neither team has changed their lineup at press time. The Wookies are coming off their first win and they hope to build some momentum. Owner Will Mitchell said, �I�m on a roll - I can�t be stopped - I smell a 2 game win streak.� No one is sure how that smells, but we are sure it smells mighty fine.
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