San Francisco Cubists 126 Inbred Brentful Brents 89 If there is one thing that Modano history has shown, it is that Owner Jason Moore does not take kindly to losing. When things are going his way, he can be the kindest man known to other men, but score more points than him - and watch out! In this way, he is unlike other people who don't mind losing or who prefer losing, but Moore just wouldn't be able to understand that. The Cubists' Week 7 loss to the Bears, lit a fire under the Cubist establishment and prompted Moore to conduct a not-so-nice week of practice. It was a new tactic for the San Francisco-dwelling man and it worked. Right from the get-go, the Cubists looked across the field to the Brents and ran over them. On Sunday, RB Cory Dillon took the first play from scrimmage and rumbled 96 yards to set the tone of the afternoon. Killin' Dillon scored twice more on his way to a season running back record of 31 points. Moore gave Dillon the gameball at that early juncture of the first quarter. Dillon's overpowering performance was preceded by TE Tony Gonzalez setting the Thursday night table. Gonzalez hauled in a TD and 11 points and matched new Brent RB Edgerrin James' 9 points. Pundits had wondered how James would respond to not being the focal point of his franchise. They got a good indication on what he thinks of his new inbred surroundings when he pulled himself out of the game with a "strained knee." Owner Steve Johnson tried to quell media reports that he and his new star were feuding. When asked about the relationship, Johnson quickly changed the subject, "Who ever played that Threes Company song? That sucked." This comment made the members of the media think and James was forgotten about. Then came Dillon's horse clops which reminded many of what James once was. The Cubists did not simply rely on Dillon, however, to pull them through. QB Aaron Brooks had his best game of the season with three TD's and 26 points, but he was balanced by the Brents' WR Joe Horn who snagged two of those TD's and scored 20 points. Mr. Johnson gave Mr. Joe Horn the game ball and proceeded to toot his own horn on the call, "My football genius was wasted this week. I correctly predicted Horn would have a great game and it was wiped out by the mutant production of Brooks and Dillon. Let's see that happen again." Dillon and Brooks' 57 combined points notwithstanding, the Cubists had more offense to flex. Troy Brown and Travis Henry each had offensive flex TD's and Stephen Davis had 7 more points. K Jeff Wilkins got into the act with 8 points including the rare 4 point field goal. The Cubists defensive flex, which did score 19, was singled out for his scorn: "They reminded me of Today's Tom Sawyer (Rush) more than an Oooh, Barracuda (Heart)." The Brents were not without their stars in the highest scoring game of the year. QB Jon Kitna came from out of nowhere to score 13 points on two TD's (one to Dillon). Kevin Hardy paced the defense with 14 points. The Brent offensive flex played well with Charlie Garner scoring 12 and Lamar Smith netting 8. Cris Carter, that whiny bitch, complained about not getting the ball enough to begin his Brent career in fine style and scored just 4 points. The two Monday night Brents were singled out for abuse. Johnson said, " A certain super kicker and any TE get the crapper vote for me." He was referring to K Super Joe Nedney who scored 16 points against the Brents in Week 7, but was limited to 1 point in Week 8. Tight end is also a problem for the Brents. They have only received 12 TE points all season, so Johnson had better fix that soon. Moore returned to his pleasant self in his post-game press conference, "We were fortunate enough to face the Bre[n]ts in a week where they were missing several of their biggest contributors." Moore was obviously referring to RB Ricky Watters who has been out a few weeks due to injured shoulder.
Bull City Bears 93 Syracuse 44's 61 This grudge match between childhood running buddies had more than its usual importance. If the 44's were able to notch a win, they would maintain their lead over the rest of the pack. The Bears, on the other hand, had started the season slowly but wanted their share of the first place pie. As noted last week, the Bears had dominated the series, but they fell behind early. On Thursday night, Owner John Stoer trotter former Bear Marvin Harrison onto the field. Harrison, along with LB Donnie Edwards (the first guy to prefer 'Donnie' since Donnie Most), staked their team to an early lead by scoring 17 points. Things were looking good and Stoer presented Harrison with the gameball. On Sunday, the 44 attack fell apart. The Thursday deadline had left them one runner short as James "Little Heart" Stewart decided not to play against the ferocious Bear D when he claimed he had hurt his ankle. TE Wesley Walls also decided not to score, so the 44's found themselves two men down. Owner Randy Chambers, who takes advantage of a situation better than most, was able to get QB Daunte Culpepper to spread the ball around. The Bears did not have any all-pro performances on Sunday, but their overall consistency was outstanding. Culpepper had a TD and 13 points, so did Jimmy Smith and former-44 Curtis Martin. Jimmy Smith's score was a WR high for the Bears. WB (whiny bitch) Randy Moss finally scored another TD and proclaimed the starting WR spot his and his to keep. Smith was not amused. Even TE Desmond Clark scored a TD and 6 points. K Wade Richey tied a Bear with 11 points as well and he is now the top ranked kicker by quite a margin. The Bears were only hurt by young RB Shaun Alexander who may have used up his free passes as he scored -1. Chambers told the young man from Alabama that he would keep calling his number because Seattle wouldn't go back to "that fool Watters." The Bear D also had an off game with only 13 points, a season low. Backup QB Mark Brunell is itching to get back into the starting line up and he tried to prove his worth to Chambers by scoring 25 meaningless points. With all of these Bear TD's being scored, one had to wonder if the 44's were up to the challenge. They weren't. The 44 offensive flex had its poorest day with only 9 points. New hire Travis Taylor disappointed with only 1 point and Tiki Barber and Eric Moulds had 4 apiece. QB Donovan McNabb seems to be in a rut as his score has fallen each week since the bye. He can't be worried about losing his job, even though backup QB Charlie Batch doubled his score with 12 points. McNabb has now fallen to the #3 keeper (behind Culpepper and Warner) and was unable to score a TD for the first time this season. Perhaps he needs both Marvin and Kevin Johnson out on the field. Perhaps a dash of Qadry wouldn't hurt either. The 44 defense totaled 26 points as Zach Thomas had 9 and Shaun Williams introduced himself with 12. Nevertheless, the 44's lowered their low score by 28 points and now every team has scored in the 60's at least once. After the loss, Stoer said, "Hey, Syracuse beat Va. Tech, what do I care about a crappy week from the 44's? The Bears were ripe for a lickin' and we were too swept up in Saturday's triumph to care on Sunday." We guess that we all over-estimated the importance of the 44 pride and joy with Stoer. He went on to say, "I guess you could say that we played like a bunch Knights in White Satin on a Tuesday afternoon, but we definitely did not play like General Sherman Douglas. I don't know what he is doing now, but if he can take time away from Nets' practices (or where ever he may be) my team could use one of his famous pep talks that used to get Roni Seikely and Stephen Thompson jumpin' up and down." Despite the loss, the 44's continued to hold onto the top position in the rankings with a 90 point scoring average.
Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 78 Peaks Island Wookies 78 No one knows what Owner Will Mitchell has done to deserve this. Perhaps he knows, perhaps he doesn't, but luck like this doesn't happen with no reason. The once proud Wookie franchise is being dragged through the quagmire, but pundits can only guess what brought about this sudden demise. Some think that Mitchell doesn't like Bill Belicheck who has many controls on how a Mitchell weekend will go. Others remember the time when Mitchell was a youngster when he beat up a black cat. That can't be good. Still other believe that the Mitchell run of bad luck is just a balance for all of the other good things in his life - the balance of things, the force - if you will. Whatever it is, Mitchell has surrendered himself to greater cosmic forces and continues to try to find some good in this already lost season. For the third time this year, the Wookies scored the same amount of points as their opposition only to lose. For the second time this year, it was due to not enough TD's. Mitchell thought he had the tying problem solved when he placed K John Carney in the line up. In Week 4, as we all well remember, the Wookies and Bears went to the second tie breaker - kicking points to settle the score. Carney kicked the crap out of the ball on Sunday, netting him just the fourth all-pro kicking performance of the season with 16 points. Carney's kicking was supplemented by the ball catching of Rod Smith who only scored one TD but was able to come up with 20 points somehow. It was his second all-pro performance and 20 point game of the season. Those two had to play well because Owner Rob Ouaou's Mountain Devils had forged a Thursday night lead. New QB Peyton Manning went back to his old all-pro ways as he scored 2 TD's and 17 points. He now has three all pro performances. Priest Holmes had just 4 points, but he remains the third best back in the league. We'll bet Owner Dan Weitz didn't count on that after he cut Holmes after Week 1. The Devils continued to play quite well on Sunday. They received their first TE TD of the season with TE Freddie Jones eking into the endzone for 6 points. Now, only the Wookies have not had a TE TD. The Devil flex also had its second good week in a row as TD's came from Michael Anderson and Qadry Ismail combined with another 7 points from David Boston. James Thrash was unable to get rid of the new team jitters and didn't score and the Devil defense did not play that well with only 13 points. Both teams could bolster their line up somewhat since they both have an open roster spot. The Wookie defense played well enough to win. DL Michael Strahan is having an incredible season. He had 10 points on Sunday and is the top ranked DL by 27 points. Strahan is also the 12th rater player overall. Fellow DL Jason Taylor also had 10 points. TE Shannon Sharpe tied the TE team high with 5, but the rest of the Wookie scoring was ugly. The fact that Mitchell gave his game ball to QB Tom Brady, the 4th stringer on the Coroners, is an indication of what he thought of his team's performance. Jake the Snake was singled out for abuse as he only scored 3. RB Ricky Williams was left behind in the Saints comeback win and scored but 5 points. The Wookie offensive flex, which had far too many Panthers in it, only scored 8 points. The one guy who Mitchell probably wished he played was the always disappointing RB Mike Alstott. Alstott almost always has his big games from the bench after successive minimal performance and this week was no different as the big back scored 27 points on 3 TD's. Mitchell said, " I can't even stand it anymore. I'm going to start planning for next year. Let Drew work his way back into the lineup and all that." He also sent scouts out to North Carolina to evaluate Julius Peppers who may find a spot in the Wookies' DL lineup.
Weaselicious Cookies 92 P-Miss Envy 90 Owner Perry Missner's Envy were coming off a great win against the Brents. They wanted to capitalize the win and gain some of the ever-illusive momentum with the rare, but done before, Oshkosh sweep. Things did not get out to a promising start as rival Owner Dan Weitz made an intelligent switch and substituted Thursday night playing QB Trent Green for slowly sinking Brian Griese. Green rewarded his owner for his first start with 22 points on three TD's. On Sunday, the Envy came back. WR Torry Holt went into his bye with a TD and 10 points and was matched by his teammate Trung Canidate who was subbing for the Cookies' Marshall Faulk. Weitz does not look kindly on his players getting hurt and said, "Faulk, you big frickin baby you better play this week or I'm going to shove a barbie head up your ass." The Envy offensive flex was TD-laden along with Canidate, Curtis Conway had his first Envy TD and the A-train, Anthony Thomas had a TD, 100 yards and a sweet 2-point conversion. The big trade with the 44's is starting to look a bit lop-sided. Sadly, Envy TE Byron Chamberlain did not score. The real Envy hero was diminutive QB Doug Flutie who scored 20 points on two TD's to set an Envy QB high. It was his second all-pro performance in two starts. He was given the gameball and led the team in a rousing chorus on the team bus of "Hold me closer, tiny dancer." The Envy defense, which touts itself as the best in Modano land, was verbally challenged by Weitz who claimed his rent-a-defense would outscore them. Led by LB Brian Urlacher's 10 points, the Envy defense continued its strong play with 22 points. Weitz brought in Kenard Lang and R.W. McQuarters after being verbally baited out of playing Doug Evans. Lang and McQuarters did score a decent 14 points, but were only helped by holdover Mo "Sizlech" Lewis with 1 point. We guess they didn't outscore the best defense. In fact, the Cookies defensive flex is rated the worst in the league, scoring more than three points less than the #9 rated defense (the Cubists). The Cookies did have a number of strong and surprising performances on Sunday. The no-name offensive flex went bonkers with Lamont Warren and Willie Jackson both scoring TD's. The flex combined for a season high 23 points. Amani Toomer also scored a team high 13 points from the WR slot. Before Weitz had given the gameball to Green, he had promised it to his favorite Emmitt Smith. When Emmitt did not score a TD, the gameball was taken away. "Gameballs are for closers," said Weitz. With his team down 9 points and Eddie George starting against Frank Wycheck on Monday night, Weitz gave up. He sent a congratulatory note over to the Missner camp and told the press, " I blame the loss on that damn Schwebke and his playing of "the eye of the tiger" on the violin. What is that crap? Amber go kick Missner in the knee." Knowing the old truism that the game is not over until it's over, Missner was not sure. The media darling's worst fears were realized when RB Eddie George coughed up an early game fumble and TE Frank Wycheck scored a TD. Although it was risk to miss something that Dennis Miller might say, Missner went to bed. The Tuesday morning rags did not give him any good information. George was unable to pick up a single point on yards and ended with a league worst -3, while Wycheck savored his game winning touchdown with the deciding 8 points. A 9 point victory became a 2 point loss. Weitz called up the media and said, "This one is for all those kids that play out of tune but play with a lot of heart and emotion. It's not about the music but the love of the music. Shut up Mr. Schwebke this was about Missner giving us some respect and us shoving a ripon good cookie down his pie hole." He then proceeded to cut his entire defense and pick up some other guys who won't score well.
Einar's Luvable Losers 73 County Coroners 54 Many pundits believed that Owner Steve "the Einar" Olsen would be looking past the Coroners to his Week 9 match up with arch-nemesis Dan "the Weasel" Weitz. With Owner Chad Nuss's Raiders fresh from their bye and two game winning streak in tow, the Coroners looked like they were on the brink of stepping over the .500 mark and back into contention. Then a funny thing happened - the Coroner/Raiders didn't score any TD's. In fact, the entire Coroner team didn't score any TD's and scored its second lowest total of the season. If it weren't for the Coroner defensive flex a record in futility would easily have been broken. The defensive players of the County came up with 30 points led by Deltha O'Neal's 17 points - his first all-pro performance. Deltha's half brother Ryan McNeil scored 7. It was the just the third time this season that a team's defense had scored more than 50% of its points (55.6% to be exact). The Bears in Week 3 (39 of 68 57.3%) and the Envy in Week 4 (48 of 93 51.6%). Not surprisingly, all of these teams lost. QB Rich Gannon and WR Laverneus Coles did manage 6 points apiece and K Sebastian Janakowski scored 8. Gannon was outscored by both back ups, Jay Fiedler and Jeff Garcia who both tallied 15. The team has scored the least points from both the WR slot and the entire offensive flex. TE Cam Cleeland set a record low for his position with a -1. Nuss decided there would be no game ball in Week 8, although Tom Brady had already received one from the Wookies. Nuss was beside himself with rage and he pointed his barbs at anyone and anything. Nuss began his post-game diatribe thusly, "I'll take this opportunity to say that Brain Greesball is a [stinkin'] loser [who is he?] and I'll take this opportunity to say that Peyton "zit faced cry-baby" Manning sucks, and Donovan McNabb aka "Chunky Soup" sucks [cajones]. We had a tough week. nobody scored. pathetic. hot cold hot cold. we need to build some consistency on offense. defense and kicking are our framework, but offense needs to produce more than it did this week. The Raiders ARE the most dominant team in the NFL. My prediction is coming true. Rams vs. Raiders baby. the Donkey's are comin to down next Monday, so get ready for a Webster slaughter! I'd like to take this opportunity to say that the Charger fans can smoke pole, Denver fans can burn in hell, and 40-whiners can start planning on going back to training camp (how can you lose to Chicago?) [it's not that hard] 1-15 teams battle it out and YOU LOSE? WHAT?" Nuss had to be calmed down by the Coroner training staff and was sent to his room for a week for saying bad things about the Chicago Bears. While it was clearly a rough week for Nuss, it wasn't the greatest of weeks for Einar. He had to miss a family get together for an ESPN fantasy basketball draft, then put together a mediocre team. Doug Christie? My finger slipped? C'mon. The Losers' 73 points were the low to win this week. WR Isaac Bruce finally broke out and scored a TD to go along with 17 points. It was his high score by far this season. QB Kurt Warner had a tough week with a lot of interceptions but he was able to score 6 points and retain his status as the #1 keeper. He'll probably lose that status in his Week 9 bye. TE Marcus Pollard scored a TD on Thursday and Mike Peterson helped the cause with 10 points. Other than that, the team did not really prepare itself too well for its big Week 9 meeting. The offensive flex had its worst day rolling three fours from Keyshawn, Keenan and Marty. LaDainian Tomlinson scored just 5 points as well. K Olindo Mare scored 6 points. The one thing to look forward to in Week 9 is the play of QB Rob Johnson who scored 21 points from the bench. Perhaps he will make everyone forget about Kurt Warner, but we doubt it. The Losers also regained the distinction of having the least scored against them - 70 per game.
Week 9 previews - While the week certainly belongs to the Einar/Weasel match up, there are better match ups to concentrate on. For Owner John Stoer, it's "Jamo week." Coming off a humiliating loss against the Bears, the 44's will have to regroup as they play the team that has the record for the highest score of the season. The 44's have retained their #1 ranking, but they will have to win to keep into the second half of the season. The Cubists have won the last four match ups of the two teams by an average of 23 points. Stoer said, "Jamo, I'm sure that T.O. will catch 3TD's, Dillon will run for at least 2, Brooks will throw for 4 or more, Tony G will catch one or two, and your D flex will set some Modano record, and hey, what can I do against such a defending league champion juggernaut? I just hope my boys can compete." Well, he won't' have to worry about Corey Dillon who is on the bye. Owner Jason Moore commented, "Obviously, we'd rather face the top team in the league with our leading RB and regular kicker. We'll try to build on the momentum we put together this week I know Terrell Owens is eager to get back out on the field, and we're excited to see what Sammy Knight can do. We're also looking forward to recognizing the great contributions Donnie Edwards and Eric Moulds made last year when we give them their rings before the game." The Cubists introduce K Adam Vinatieri to the league and both teams go with new starting RB's. There is another match up of above .500 teams in the Bears and Brents. The Brents welcome back the entire inbred crew but are going without RB Edgerrin James who "strained his knee" in Week 8. Johnson looked over the lineup sheet and said the following, " I have to stop my slide this week and the Bears will be the unfortunate victim. It will help that Daunte has to get face fixed for the week. I remember being .500 or below and it will never happen again." Never say never, Mr. Johnson, you are facing the hottest team in the league. The Bears have scored over 90 points four games in a row. They will be without Culpepper and Moss, but they have plenty of other weapons. Maybe Brunell and Antowain Smith can pick up the production. TE Booger Frankfurter will go against the team he was part of for a week. The teams have split the franchise history, two games apiece. Finally, we get to the big Einar/Weasel III bowl. Who can forget that the Einar swept the series last year. Owner Dan Weitz unknowingly insulted millions of N*Sync fans when he said, "any band with the einar in it is the worst I have ever heard." He didn't seem to realize that N*Sync had just replaced the funny-looking guy with the Einar - or is that redundant? On the matchup, Weitz said, "Bring on the Einar!!!!! I guarantee a victory!!! Now get that damn mic out of my face!!!!" Weitz is now almost as well liked by the media as Barry Bonds. Silent Steve had nothing to say on either the big matchup or his hiring by N*Sync. If you are going to be in a boy band, Mr. Olsen, you had better get the media on your side. Look what happened to the funny looking guy from the Back Street Boyz. The Weasel has yet to name a replacement defense, but has installed Jamir Miller. Maybe he will play by himself. The Losers go into the game without their number one weapon, Kurt Warner. He is replaced by Rob Johnson and the starting WR is Antonio Freekman. Ugh. All of the damn Peckers are back. Two Raider fans butt heads when the Coroners play the Devils. Owner Chad Nuss, the more bombastic of the two, said, "I believe that the head coach for WC Devils is a raider-fan so I will say good luck to him, and wish him the best next week. I am aware of Charles Woodson on his roster and would like to extend gratitude for keeping him there no matter what. Go Raiders...Beat Donkeys!" Owner Rob Ouaou just shrugged his shoulders. Both teams are 3-4 and the Devils have won three out of the four matchups. The Devils have their Week 8 lineup in place at press time. The Coroners have promoted Jeff Garcia of the "40-whiners." They also have the New York connection in their offensive flex of Laverneus Coles and Ike Hilliard. Finally, at the bottom of the barrel, we have the #9 and 10 rated teams facing off. Owner Will Mitchell will try to break his team's bad luck by staying the same. At press time, he has not changed his line up. It may work for him. The Wookies have scored more points than either the Cookies and Coroners but have 5 fewer wins than those teams combined. Certainly, this won't end up in another tie, will it? The Envy have also had their share of bad luck. They have outscored the Losers but have an opposite record. Owner Perry Missner is going with 3 current Bears (Thomas, Terrell and Urlacher) and two former Bears (Conway and Flutie) which can only help his cause. Jay Riemersma should help the Envy regain their joy of football. Missner is currently waffling about what to do with Eddie George who caused the Week 8 loss, but maybe he will play against his former team. Somebody has to win.
----------------------------Everybody Gets Something Press---------------------------------------------------