P-Miss Envy 104 Inbred Brentful Brents 55 What started out as a beautiful week for Brentful Brents Owner Steve Johnson, ended on a very sour note as the Brents lost by the second largest margin in franchise history. The Brent in-fighting had become too much for Johnson to bear as QB Peyton Manning was becoming increasingly boisterous in his complaints. Looking around the locker room early last week, Manning said, "Look at these morons, these idiots, these hemophiliacs. I am none of the above and I simply don't belong here. Please send me anywhere - to a land of sanity." Johnson knew there was going to be some internal pressure when he brought in inbred, moron QB Brent Farf, but he had no idea that the man with less than a 20 IQ would factionalize his team in such a way. Johnson finally found a trading partner in Owner Rob Ouaou who also changed his franchise by sending Edgerrin James and whiny bitch Cris Carter to the Brents for Manning, Manning factionite James Thrash and nondenominational Priest Holmes. Johnson evaluated the trade in two ways, "I was super excited to get James on my squad. I now have 4 All-Pro running backs, which - as I learned last year - is better than having 4 All-Pro [or merely decent] quarterbacks. Secondly, now Manning can shut the hell up." But, somehow we don't think that Manning will do that. The Devils have needed a voice for quite awhile and now they have one. Johnson was grinning brightly as Sunday rolled closer because he had a line up filled with puke-colored Packers and was playing one of the weaker teams in the league, Owner Perry Missner's P-Miss Envy. After the trade was finalized, WR Terry Glenn rediscovered that he is, in fact, a girl and decided to sit the game out with an ouchy hamstring. Not wanting girls to get preferential treatment, WR Bill Scroter (sex undetermined) also decided to sit out. The Brents were spotting the Envy two receivers, but Johnson felt that a unified team behind Farf would win out. Then, more in-fighting started. Farf stated, "I think we should call ourselves Team Inbred, " but few of his teammates agreed. RB Green stated, "How about Team A-hole?" Other choices were heard: "Team Scrote," "Team Longshanks," and even "Team of Girls and Others" Johnson eventually had to bow to the pressure of his star QB and rename the team the "Inbred Brentful Brents," since he was sure that his QB would have an impressive performance if he knew he had the backing of the team's hierarchy. Sadly, Johnson was incorrect. Not only did his team play with the collective intelligence of Pedro Guerrero, but his disgusting Packers went to Minnesota and got stomped by a mediocre team. Farf did throw two late meaningless TD's and scored 14 points, but his crooked grin was nowhere to be found. The Brents had team lows at the RB (6 from A-hole), WR (0 from Scrote), K (1 from Longshanks) and DF (16) as well as their lowest score of the year. Meanwhile, the Envy rolled up and down the field on the confused Brent D. Surprise starter RB Trung Canidate equaled the record of 27 points made by the man he was replacing. Canidate ran for 195 yards and scored two TD's - one on a lateral from teammate Ass Hakim who also scored a TD. Super Joe Nedney had his best day of the season with 16 points. Nevertheless, Nedney was cut after the game and picked up by an impressed Johnson. Steve "Austin" McNair also had a decent game with a touchdown, a two-point conversion and 12 points. Just when Johnson thought the onslaught was over, LB Jeremiah Trotter burst through the line and sacked Farf again and again on Monday to the tune of 17 points. Missner said, "Let's see - the Bears won in dominating fashion, the Packers were dominated and the Envy steam-rolled a Farf-led team. I am quite pleased with things." He then left the podium skipping and twirling as if flown off in a dream.
Syracuse 44's 89 Einar's Luvable Losers 69 As we are entering the mid-season in Modano land, the wheat is starting to separate itself from the chaff. Owner John Stoer's Syracuse 44's have been a run unlike any in franchise history. In fact, no team - other than the San Francisco Cubists - has opened the season with such sustained excellence. The Week 7 hurdle, however, was a large one. Stoer had been effusive in his praise of opposing Owner Steve "The Einar" Olsen as he named the Losers the preseason favorite and tabbed the Einar as his preseason pick to win the prestigious Modano Mi Hermano award. The Einar did his part in the first four games with a nice winning streak, but the Losers are starting to play like their name. One could easily point to the many Packers that are pulling the Loser franchise into the muck, but it may be a case of a force greater than that. The Einar's arch-nemesis, Owner Dan "The Weasel" Weitz, has more or less forsaken his team in hopes of dragging the Losers down. Weitz left his own team at halftime to scream obscenities at the Einar and his players. It seemed that the blue streak of curse words actually had an effect on some of the Losers players. Young RB LaDainian Tomlinson's jaw dropped at some of the profane utterenaces coming from the Weitz mouth. He was only able to score 3 points. Isaac Bruce, who in his other life is a reverend, could not believe the things said about his mother and he only scored 2 - a season low. The two Losers to come through with touchdowns were the nearly deaf QB Kurt Warner who only scored 1 TD but had 13 points as he retained his #1 keeper slot and WR Marty Booker who did not fall under the rain of terror. Booker did fumble though. The Loser D had its third straight score of 22. For the 44's, the touchdowns came early, then they came often. The week started out right with WR Eric Moulds snatching the only Bills' TD on Thursday night. He ended up with 10 points and was given the game ball for his table-setting efforts. On Sunday, Moulds' flexmates, Kevin Johnson and Germane Crowell each had a touchdown and 19 points combined. It was the first time this season that a team had had all three members of the flex score a TD. The 29 offensive flex points were a 44 high. Sadly, Crowell hurt his knee and had to be put down for the rest of the season. TE Wesley Walls continued his strong play with another TD and helped the 44's back into the #1 slot for keepers. WR Marvin Harrison, who teamed with QB Donovan McNabb for the first time this season, had another TD and 16 points. Two week, 16 points a week for Harrison as a 44. We knew he longed to be home. RB James Stewart never got going and only scored 1 point for a team RB low. On Monday, QB Donovan McNabb had a chance to keep his consecutive all-pro performances streak alive, but he was bottled up by the ferocious Giants D for most of the game before throwing for a late, game-winning TD. He did score 10 points to keep his double-digit streak alive, but the all-pro streak ends at 4. He still has the most all-pro performances this year. McNabb is the #2 keeper. In case you weren't counting, that's TD's for 7 players. After each TD, Stoer instructed his team to "get down on one knee and thank God because I'd know deep down in my heart that the only reason I scored is due to God's blessing." Clearly, he has been listening to too many of Reggie White's audio books. The 44's do not rate below 5th at any position and their overall consistency sends shivers down the rest of the league owners' backs. Bill Maas said succinctly, "Now, that's a team." In his postgame locker room interview, Stoer said, " I just want to thank Mike Martz for showcasing Trung Canidate this week. I'm sure Kurt Warner gets tired of throwing multiple TD passes each and every week."
Bull City Bears 97 San Francisco Cubists 69 Gentleman Owner Jason Moore had had a tough week. He knew that his San Francisco Cubists were facing some tough competition in Owner Randy Chambers� Bull City Bears and he also knew that his team had been playing under their usual sterling expectations. Sure, they were 4-1, but they had not been dominating the competition like they had in 2000. Some had even questioned his keeping Steven Davis who had nary a touchdown to his name over players like Curtis Martin and Lamar Smith, but Moore had remained pleasant through all the questioning and all of the wins. He expressed sincere awe at the way the Bears had been playing in recent weeks, but felt confident his troops would come through in the end. On Thursday night, the Cubists took a 6-3 lead on late replacement Travis Henry�s running over Jimmy Smith�s catching. Things were looking all right. Then black Sunday came. The endzone was an unfriendly place for the Cubists as the Bears seem to steel wall in front of it. Only one Cubist was able to gain entrance � it was QB Aaron Brooks who managed 11 points on his one score. Of course, the Saints, damn them, didn�t win which hurt a certain someone in the world�s easiest pool. Brooks did was Moore would do if he scored a TD: �just hand the ball to the ref.� The team seemed to miss Terrell Owens who had been on fire. WR Marcus Robinson tried his best to replace the surging keeper Owens, but he became useless when he damaged his knee rendering him out for the rest of the season. He did score 3 points, Robinson that is, which tied the team low at the WR position. RB Cory Dillon was impotent against the Bears defense as he scored just two points and TE Tony Gonzalez only scored three points. Travis Henry�s offensive flex friends also had poor games with Stephen Davis scoring 4 and little Warrick Dunn scoring 3. The defense and special teams kept the Cubists from being humiliated. Jeff Wilkins hit his high note of 12 and the defense collected 25 points led by Ronde Barber�s all pro initiation of 15 points. Barber was also given the game ball and told where the bathroom is. Only the Cubist and the woeful Cookies defense are the only teams not to score above 25 with the defensive flex. Unfortunately, the Cubists had trouble containing the Bears. One of the hottest players in the league is Daunte Culpepper. He looked like a man playing against boys as he pinged Packer defenders off his huge torso. He scored another nice 21 points on two TD�s. He was only outscored by starting RB Jerome Bettis who seems to be putting the bus into high gear since Chambers acquired #1 runner Curtis Martin. Bettis not only ran for a touchdown and a bunch of yards, but he also put on his David Patten-thang and threw for a TD. 43 points from two guys and the rest of your team can rest easy. The only other touchdown came from TE Booger Frankfurter who did an entirely inappropriate dance as the Packers were getting whooped by the Vikings. Hey, Frankfurter, Tom Oates and Butch Davis may like it when you dance in the endzone when you are getting killed, but the rest of us, even Bill Maas, think you are idiot. The usually reliable offensive flex had an off game as Moss, Martin and Antowain Smith only scored 4 points apiece. LB Keith Brooking kept up his early season excellence with another 12 points. Chambers said excitedly, �That�s the way you play the game, that�s the way!� Then he pounded his chest and point skyward. Meanwhile, the usual jolliness was gone from Moore�s fa�ade. He gave a no comment reply to most questions asked to him, then finally said in a rather icy tone, �All credit to the Bears. We weren't quite ready to play, then we had an emotional letdown when marcus got hurt. We just have to regroup and come out stronger next time.� Moore then left the podium without singing the usual round of Kumbaya and For Who�s a Jolly Good Fellow.
County Coroners 80 Peaks Island Wookies 57 When the schedule came out in late August, the experts in the media took a look at several match ups that featured teams severely hampered by the bye weeks. In Week 3, the Envy were without their Bears and Titans - they won. In Week 6, the 44's played without Donovan McNabb - they won. This week it was the County Coroners - who are mainly comprised of Raiders and a bunch of stuck together players - playing without their Raiders. Surely, they wouldn't win without their studs - with a bunch of replacement players led by recent pick up QB Tom Brady. Of course, this band of ne'er-do-wells was playing the only winless team in the league - Owner Will Mitchell's Peaks Island Wookies, but the Wookies were playing with a full complement of players and had been scoring well. If there is one thing this game proved, it was media experts know nothing. In fact, the only media expert who claims to know anything is ESPN's Tom Oates. Oates took time out of his busy schedule to inform us that "Tampa Bay should take the Bay out of their name because they are besmirching the Bay name. Bay belongs only to the Green Bay Packers who are led by superman Brent Farf. Clearly, if the East Coast bias did not exist in the NFL MVP voting procedures, Farf would be the MVP for the last 11 years." Oh, that rascal, Tom Oates, will he ever stop being so informing? Our guess is that Oates will write about the unfair loudness in the Metrodome or the fact that the NFL should not allow players as big as Daunte Culpepper to play quarterback. Nevertheless, Owner Chad G. Nuss brought his players together and told them three magic words, "Just win, baby." The team burst on the field and started score more touchdowns than anyone would have guessed. Chief culprit was the aforementioned Brady. Perhaps Nuss knew that Mitchell's favorite team was the Pats and this Week 7 dagger would strike him at his heart. Brady starting throwing bombs early and often as he threw for three TD's and had a nice 24 points. He was handed the first non-Raider gameball in Coroner history. Mitchell also gave his game ball to Brady. Nuss quickly taught Brady how to celebrate Charles Woodson style, it's just "slappin dat ass-slappin dat ass-knee jerk-knee jerk-spike." It took Brady until his third TD to get it right. TE Cam Cleeland kept up his strong play with a TD and 7 points and Michael Pittman surprised everyone with 14 points on a TD and a bunch of yards. The Coroners, playing without all three keepers, did have some low lights. Laverneus Coles, for example, did not score and the Coroners now have the worst rated wide receiver position. Eddie Kennison proved that he probably won't pan out yet again with only one point and Kris Brown set a Coroner low for kickers with only 5 points. That's very un-Coroner-like. With Brady playing so well, Nuss said, "that I am now going to corner the QB market." Something tells us Mitchell might not having Brady on board - or maybe David Patten - since both players scored more TD's than the Wookies. The Wookies had but one TD coming from QB Jake Plummer. He scored 14. Ricky Williams had 7 and Rod Smith had 6, but that was about it for the Wookie offense. John Carney had 7 points and the defense was led by Michael Strahan's Monday 11. Queer Katchatootiemunga did not score again as it looks like his moment in the sun is over. A nearly despondent Mitchell, while grabbing himself a very large draft beer, said, "I suck. 0-6. The humiliation is unbearable. Wookies pride is trashed. My VBFL team is 1-5, with the 2nd most points scored. All about bad matchups man. What happens if I go winless all year? I'll be back." When this kind of run happens to a team, it even hurts civic pride. The community of Peaks Island, ME needs a winner now more than ever.
Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 76 Weaselicious Cookies 58 The mind of Owner Dan Weitz is a curious thing. He can�t seem to keep his mind on his own team. It�s either in the gutter or it�s on his arch-nemesis the Einar. For this week, Weitz seemed to affect the Einar�s team performance, but it came at the cost of the Cookies who are on the quick road to Toiletsville, USA � population 1. The Cookies opponent was the lackluster Walnut Creek Mountain Devils who shocked all of the inmates of Walnut Creek by trading away their signature player. Owner Rob Ouaou knew he had to do something to get the team�s Q-rating up. Everyone knew that the Devils had Edgerrin James, but Ouaou felt he had to diversify his portfolio. He picked up Peyton Manning, Priest Holmes (the #2 RB in the league) and James Thrash for James and whiny bitch Cris Carter. Manning and Thrash were thrilled by the move. Manning had nothing nice to say about former owner Steve Johnson, so we won�t print anything at all � for this week. Thrash said, �Johnson is a Packer-loving boob.� The now Edge-less Devils are going to have to come up with a new bag � perhaps �Manning and the Priest� or the �Charles Woodson touchdown dance.� Certainly there is a need for Manning as QB Elvis Grbac had never looked worse. Grbac had his head cleared and scored a league worst �5. That�s the worst score for a starter and a keeper this year. Grbac will have a lot of time to think it over as he rides the pine for the extended future. James and even Carter left the Devils on good terms. James was not able to gain admittance to the endzone but he did score 9 points on yards. Carter did score a TD on the Packers and ended up with 10 points. Both said that Ouaou was a fine guy and that they would play on his squad any time. Neither could be reached for comment on their new owner. The Devils got their best tight end performance of the year as Freddie Jones scored three points. They are one of two teams who hasn�t received a TE TD (the other being once tight end heaven � the Wookies). The worst offensive flex came through with its best performance as well. David �Arms� Boston had a TD and 14 points and Qadry Ismail had a TD, a two point conversion and 13 points. K Jay Feely chipped in with 10 points. The defense scored 20 points as the Devils reached .300 as a franchise. The abandoned Cookies were without direction. To show where his mind was at, Weitz said when asked how he would celebrate an NFL touchdown, �I would probably score my touchdown on the Einar. So I would grab him around the head and give him a noogie with the ball.� Sure you would. The Cookies did get two TD�s from slowly sinking Brian Griese who had 8 points and from TE Frank Wycheck who checked in with a offensive team high 12. The offensive flex scored 7, Amani Toomer scored 1and old man Terry Allen scored 0. The defense helped them team away from the 20�s as Jamir Miller notched his second all-pro performance with 16 points. He is the only defensive player to have two all-pro games. Weitz gave his game ball to �Nobody on my damn team, hell I'll give it to my wife maybe I can get some lovin� at least.� Sure, you will. Weitz then pointed the finger for the loss at last year�s MVP. He said sourly, �Faulk needs to stop being a pussy, its not like you need your knee to run. Suck it up baby.� Faulk pouted � just like a baby. The Cookies have now scored less than 60 in three straight games and have lost three in a row after a promising 2-1 start. Asked to comment on his season as a whole, Weitz said, �asfhlkasjshlrlihahaasdhfklahkjwnbnmfx,nmxcjkvhlksfnkjlsruiyhsjbxklvbxjlbhvjhfnbxxcjklbvklhaskyhurhsndfkjlashkljsrkjnkjlvnjfkjaskljshllkshkjhakjfhkahfjksh[FIND]asashflkashfkjlashf[FINE]asfjsd[FRIENDS]. It appears that Weitz is creating his own language like Nell, but no one as of yet has been able to interpret it.
Week 8 previews - This week�s best offering has old rivals John Stoer and Randy Chambers matching wits for the seventh time in Modano history. The Bears swept the 44�s last year and have won 5 out of the 6 battles, but never has one meant more to both teams than in Week 8 of 2001. The first place 44�s come in riding a five game win streak. Their only loss came in week one when they scored 102 points, so one could say they were on a roll and are due for a loss. However, one could say the same thing about the Bears who have scored 97 points or more in their last three games. This will be the first time that WR Marvin �Superstar� Harrison faces the team that kept him locked up for over a season. Marvin has told Stoer many stories about the Bears and especially Randy Moss that filled Stoer with dread. Moss�s unbelievable ego and whiny bitchiness are enough to offend anyone. Stoer said, �Whiny bitch Moss will be so humiliated by games end, he'll go back to the USBL where he can truly showcase his immense talent and be beloved again by redneck West Virginians.� Oh, what a sweet dream. Moss and Jason Williams can continue to prove that winning is second to looking good. That�s the West Virginia way � right, Major Harris? The 44�s are trying out Travis Taylor and Shaun Williams, while the Bears welcome back Shaun Alexander from the bye and introduce Stoer to his old friend Michael Barrow. Another good match up has a pair of 4-2 teams facing off. The Inbred Brentful Brents have become the media�s enemy #1 as they are becoming increasingly uncooperative. This week, Owner Steve Johnson only told the media, �You just shut the hell up!� And he didn�t even have the cajones to sign it. With the Peckers on the bye and the big trade, the Brents only have three players from their Week 7 line up playing. They are going to try out Edgerrin James and whiny bitch Cris Carter as well as QB Jon Kitna (snicker, snicker) and new K Super Joe Nedney. Cubist Owner Jason Moore said, �We have the utmost respect for the Bre[n]ts,� but he did it in such a tone that no one was sure if he was being sarcastic or not. Clearly, the bloom is off the Moore rose. Two teams headed in opposite directions are the Coroners and the Losers. The Coroners are hot � having won their last two games and Owner Chad G. Nuss isn�t afraid to tell anyone about it. He looked over the Loser line up and taunted Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen thusly, �who the hell is marty booker? what...are you going to play Koren Robinson...who's Koren Robinson? go ahead. play Troy and Chad...let's see what happens to your Philly team this week.� It wasn�t nice what he said about Marty Booker, but the rest seems spot on. The Einar has not changed his line up at press time so it is still stunk up with three Packers. Nuss welcomes back his Raiders and has added Ryan �Ice Cube� McNeil to the line up. Owner Perry Missner finds himself in another grudge match as Cookies Owner Dan Weitz has had trouble distinguishing the league�s fiestiest owner and media darling from the actual media. They aren�t one in the same, you know. Weitz called out the Envy when he said, �Missner has been bad mouthin my defense all year, this week my so called weak defense is going to outscore the supposed great [po-po] defense. I also KNOW there will be no [stinky] Peckers in this game which will make many people happy. Mr. Schwebke is giving my pregame pep talk. He told me he always liked me better because I could play louder then you and you scared him with those race car driver glasses.� It�s true that Schwebke always had a special thing for Weitz, but that�s because he knew Missner was a better violinist than he was. For all of his high falutin�, Weitz�s defense is without its best player, Jamir Miller on the bye, and is with former Packer Doug Evans and two other yahoos. They will be lucky to stop the A-train on his first stop. The Envy also welcome back 27-point scorer Trung Canidate as well as introduce new Envy member tiny Doug Flutie. Lastly and maybe leastly, we have the Devils and Wookies. The Wookies have been cursed with bad luck and some bad play as well. Owner Will Mitchell summed up his team�s chances by saying, �Lets see how creatively I can lose next week.� The Wookies have not changed their line up at press time, but getting Queer Katchatootieatuka would sure help. Ouaou welcomes back dancin� Charles Woodson and will go with the new look players in high positions as Manning, Priest and Thrash take the starting QB, RB and WR spots.
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