Brentful Brents 84 Einar's Luvable Losers 74 This battle of Wisconsin-bred owners featured more green and yellow than most people can stand to look at. Both Steve owners are self-proclaimed Packer zealots and neither can be considered completely sane because of it. Each team lined up three Packers, although King Inbred, Brent Farf, was noticeably absent. Farf was happy sitting on the bench and during that time he started to reflect on what his life will be like after his career is over. "I am realistic about it," said the hill billy, "Someday, someone else is going to be the quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. But I have a lot in life to look forward to. I have my tractor, my farm, my bow hunting, my various parents, aunts and uncles, and I might even spend some time with my kids." Farf scored 29 points from the Brent bench. Meanwhile, unhappy Peyton Manning led his team to another victory with 14 points. Manning has now scored 81 points in his five starts, while Farf only scored five in his one start. The Brents were led by Priest Holmes and his amazing 22 points. Owner Steve Johnson said while handing out his gameball, "On Sunday, you have to go with the Priest." Johnson also said that he couldn't remember an exciting game, although he mentioned something about a Packer win in Minneapolis, but according to our records, such a game never existed. Crappy kicker Ryan Longwell had nine points. Johnson said that Lamar Smith was crappy this week with only four points, but he told the runner to buck up, "everyone has a bad day - don't be sad." TE Ernie Conwell turned in his first naught and the Scrote got injured and only contributed two points. A-hole Green seems to be cooling down as he had his second seven in a row, to tie the team low. The Brents scored 74 points on Sunday, as did the Losers. Both teams also had their season high in offensive flex. The Losers were led by the Freek, (no, not Jevon Kearse), a real freek, Antonio Freekman. The not so intelligent Packer fans in Lamburp field were booing the overpaid receiver when he dropped an early game pass, but Freekman went on to score 16 points. Knowing how lousy Freekman is, the Ravens decided not to cover him, so the 16 points could have been a lot more with a half way decent receiver. RB LaDainian Tomlinson was the only other Loser to get into the endzone with seven points. WR Keyshawn Johnson scored nine but complained that he wasn't getting the ball enough. WR Marty Booker decided to take the game off since he doesn't really like the Einar or the Packers. Isaac Bruce, who happens to be the worst rated keeper to play in all five games this season, scored only three as well. Owner Steve "the Einar" Olsen, who happened to be in a fender bender on Saturday to his great shame, said, "Let me see here. One loss makes my team 4-1, which isn't too bad. Although I am not happy about the loss, I still am miles ahead of the Weasel in the standing. That feels good." Upon hearing what the Einar had told the media, Owner Dan Weitz cursed a blue streak right in front of his two small children. Recent houseguests were horrified as they heard little Cassie Weitz order her sister to get her "some damn choochies and get them right damn now!" QB Kurt Warner had his worst game of the season with only four points, but retained his #1 keeper status because Donovan McNabb was on the bye. Possible problems for the Losers may be in store, since they only had two bench points. On Monday night, DB Sam Shade came through for the Brents with 10 points which set the winning margin. The previous two seasons, the Brents had started 1-4, but this year they are already 4-1. Johnson was logged onto his computer immediately after the game to try and locate Santana Dotson and Cletidius "High as a Kite" Hunt on the waiver wire for his Week 7 match up. "We�re on our way to the top," said Johnson, "and we might as well have a little fun in Week 7 with the lack of competition that it includes."
San Francisco Cubists 95 Peaks Island Wookies 93 The owner with the worst luck met the nicest owner in the league and the results were almost predictable. For the second week in a row, Owner Will Mitchell's Peaks Island Wookies scored over 90 points and still lost. Last week we documented the terrible effects on Mitchell's mindset, but his healthy is also starting to fail now as well. Early Tuesday morning, Mitchell spoke at length to the media about the swirling rumors, "The doctors tell me it is stress-related and when I mentioned how well my team is playing but I still don't have any wins, they understood. My counselor said it may be time to take a sabbatical from Modano, but I just don't know if I can do it. I needs my Wookies, but I just want to win - maybe one win would do it. I have forgotten how it feels." The Wookies did have plenty of good performances to feel proud about. Mitchell seems to have settled on a productive QB, Tim Couch. Couch had another solid game with 15 points and 2 TD's. RB Ricky Williams kept up his fine play with another 15 points (his second all-pro performance in a row) on another TD. The team was led by DL Michael Strahan who harrassed the Rams with 4 sacks and 22 points. The Wookies continue to lead the league in sacks. From the bench, Lawyer Milloy, Jake Plummer and James Allen all scored in double digits. Others did not play so well. Shannon Sharpe had two points and hasn't scored a TD this season. Mooshy and Alstott combined for one point and Queer Katchatootie had one point. ESPN's NFC analyst Tom Oates wrote that "if blatant holding on KGB were running rampant in the NFL, he would have broken the sack record already and would be on pace for over 100 sacks." Oates went on to write, "while the Chicago Bears have won three out of their first four games, they are still terrible and will always suck." That's the objective reporting we have come to rely on from ESPN. WR Rod Smith had another good game with 10 points, but lost his #1 ranking to Cubist WR Terrell Owens. Owens had a huge game for his hometown team with 3 TD's and 12 more points on yards for a 2001 record 30 points. He was even given the game ball by Owner Jason Moore. Owens jumped up to become the #5 keeper in the league and has had an incredible 49 points over the last two weeks. The Cubists also an established teams high at running back as Corey Dillon had 16 points. QB Aaron Brooks had his second all pro performance with 18 points on 2 TD's. That's 64 points from just three starters - whew-wee! TE Tony Gonzalez chipped in five points and Jeff Wilkins had 10 points from the kicking slot. QB Chris Chandler overcame the bell ringing he took from the Bears and scored 27 points, while Warrick Dunn made huge progress from his knee problems with 17 points. The flexes were not strong for the Cubists though. The defensive flex only had 12 points led by LB Anthony Simmons 6 and the offensive flex only had 4 with Marcus Robinson succumbing to his usual back pains and not scoring. The poor flexes kept the score tantalizingly close for Mitchell just to get his hopes up. His hopes were crushed when he realized that the Cubists still had one bullet left in their chamber with RB Stephen Davis. Davis did not do much on Monday night, like everyone else, but he scored three points to overcome a one point Cubist deficit and give the two-time champions their fourth win. Moore said the game reminded him of a game between the "Redskins over Vikings, some time around 1986. Jay Schroeder and Tommy Kramer throw for about 1000 yards combined. Skins win!" Even though the loss dropped the Wookies' overall franchise record below .500 for the first time, Moore had some words of encouragement to the opposing team. " The Wookies are a great team and I'm sure they will turn things around soon," he said. Mitchell could just shake his head and smile ruefully.
Bull City Bears 113 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 74 The Bears are starting to look like the juggernaut that many of the league's owners predicted them to be before the season. Owner Randy Chambers still has not talked directly to the press this season, but his aides insist he knows what he is doing. With the trade of Marvin Harrison and the emergence of Shaun Alexander, the team now boasts a two-pronged attack. They settled in to face the Devils and rang up a week high, team high 113 points. Enormous QB Daunte Culpepper flattened Lion defenders with his gigantic torso for 3 TD's and 28 points. He jumped up to #4 on the keeper list and is looking more and more like the dominant force he was in 2000. TE Booger Frankfurter recaptured his #1 rating with 2 point blank TD's for 12 points. The Bears also now boast the #1 runner in the league with Curtis Martin who scored another 15 points on one TD as part of a record setting offensive flex. The Bears topped their own offensive flex record for the second time with 37 points. RB Shaun Alexander had another big game with 20 points on two TD's. Jerome Bettis chipped in with seven points all on yards. Keith Brooking is now the #1 linebacker as well as he scored 10 points. The Bears lead the league in both forced fumbles and fumble recoveries. WR Randy Moss had a team high at the WR position with six points. Moss is only ahead of Isaac Bruce in terms of keepers who have played in all five games. That, and he is becoming an even greater whiny bitch by the week. The other whiny bitch, WR Cris Carter of the Devils was also involved in the game. Carter also set a team high with a TD and 13 points, but was equally unhappy as Moss. Moss and Carter had a joint post game press conference during which they demanded the ball in their hands more and less talk from defenders as a league rule. Moss opined, "Defenders shouldn't talk to me because I am great and they are not." Carter agreed, "That and the ball should be in my hands more. Who has better hands than me? That's right, nobody!" Other than Carter, the Devils did not do much talking. The only other TD came from QB Elvis Grbac who had a few turnovers as well as a concussion for only one point. It was nice to see Randall Cunningham playing again, but he should have thrown for many more TD's against those awful Packers. K Jay Feely tied the team high with 12 points and Edgerrin James had 10 points all on yards. The Devils reclaimed the #1 RB slot Marvin Jones led the defense with 14 points. The Jets now have the #2, 3 and 4 ranked linebackers with James Farrior, Jones, and Mo Lewis. I'm sorry, Mr Fred Jones only had 1 point and the worst offensive flex had just 13 points. The Devils also have the worst tight end score with less than a point per game. The Devil bench did have a nice game with back QB's Vinny Testaverde (17) and Brad Johnson (24) combining for over 40 points. Tim Biakabatuka and Marvcus Patton also had 10 points. The blowout loss was the first of the season for the 1-4 Devils but they have now surpassed the Cookies for most franchise blowout losses with 16. Champ Bailey could have helped the Bears to the highest score of the season on Monday but showed great compassion for the already beaten Mountain Devils by scoring just one point. Owner Randy Chambers was pleased by the overall play of his squad and told his aids to issue the following statement: "Now, that's what I have been talking about. The way they went out there and scored TD after TD made me proud to be an owner of this team. We are going to need a big game next week when we face our old rivals, the Cubists." Losing Owner Rob Ouaou was not too upset by the loss. He said, "74 points is not great, but it's not terrible either. We only scored 2 TD's and I felt we kept the game competitive."
Syracuse 44's 107 P-Miss Envy 63 Owner John Stoer was itching during the offseason after 2000 to get some revenge against some of the teams that ran rampant on his 44 squad in their worst season. No one had a luckier season last year than Owner Perry Missner's P-Miss Envy. They swept the 44's and Stoer remembered it like a long Biakabutka run for a TD against the Skins. The Envy apparently were overconfident because they did not have to face All-pro QB Donovan McNabb, but they should not have taken the highest scoring team in the league lightly at all. McNabb's replacement, Doug Flutie - who now thanks to a 6-player deal is a member of the Envy - showed his new team what he could do. He scored 15 points on a TD and led the offense masterfully. He used all of his receivers, Flutie, that is, and helped the 44's to a new high season score. WR's Marvin Harrison and Kevin Johnson took the same side for the first time in ages and tried to one up each other with spectacular play after spectacular play. Each led the team with 16 points and shared the game ball given by Stoer. Harrison set the team record for the WR slot and Johnson helped the offensive flex reach its record with 27 points. The onslaught continued with RB James Stewart and his 14 points and Wesley Walls who had 10. Nobody, by the way, likes Walls. Zach Thomas led the defense with 11 points, but was singled out for scorn by Stoer for getting injured again. Only Jason Elam had an off game with three points, but he could afford it. Overall, the game reminded Stoer of "the Skins Super Bowl win over the Dolphins with Riggins running around left end for the TD. Ahhhhhhh." The 44's have scored the most points this season, have the most points from both tight end and quarterback positions and have the number one set of keepers. They also have had the most all-pro performances with 10 and have scored the most touchdowns. This four game win streak is the first in franchise history. The 44's now have as many wins in 2001 as they did in the entire season of 2000. The news was not so cheery for the Envy. Things had been looking up as the team had scored over 85 points in its last two games, but the problems started at the top with QB Jim Miller who had a season low for the QB position with -3. He just couldn't get into the endzone while the Cardinal D was apparently sticky fingered. Byron Chamberlain also had a lousy game with 1 point, but at least he isn't a whiny bitch. WR Torry Holt had 5 and K Jose Cortez had seven - nothing special there. The Envy did get offensive flex TD's from Kevan Barlow and Travis Taylor who made his way to the winning locker room after the game. The offensive flex combined for 22 points and the defensive flex, which remained the tops in the league, had 17. The own point of optimism for the Envy was the play of RB Eddie George who overcame his early season struggles and scored 14 points. George wants to regain his keeper status which has been taking away from him. Revenge specialist Kevin Mitchell scored nine points on Monday night, but he needed to score at least 50 for the Envy to be in the ballgame. The Envy have had the least all-pro performances (3, tied with the Cookies) and have had the least points from both the QB and RB positions. This was third worst defeat in franchise history. Missner grumbled, "The only two things I hate worse than losing are the Green Bay Packers and Tom Oates." The six player deal which was agreed upon on Saturday could infuse some winning spirit into the Envy with Flutie, Curtis "the difference maker" Conway and Anthony Thomas coming back on board. The 44's acquired burgeoning WR Travis Taylor, strong back up RB Correll Buckholter and Chris Weinke who could hook up with Walls if need be. Stoer summed up the game by saying, " We owed the Envy an ass-kicking. Where's your Biakabatuka now Missner?" Missner said, "The performance fleece issue is settled."
County Coroners 85 Weaselicious Cookies 57 Two of the more outspoken owners matched wits in this second echelon battle. In recent weeks, Owner Dan Weitz has become increasingly belligerent in his comments about his archrival, the Einar. While the Einar's team soared to untold heights, Weitz's lack of attention on his own team has led them down the crapper. With Amber going back to school, the team seemed to lose its spiritual leader and few of the players wanted to take the field on Sunday. Last year's MVP, RB Marshall Faulk, received a LVP vote from Weitz for getting hurt and not "being as tough as Amber." The Cookies lost their #1 RB rating to the Devils in the process. QB Brian Griese did overcome a sore shoulder as he threw for two TD's and led the team with 11. RB "Some people call me" Maurice Smith had his best day for the Cookies with nine points and a TD. No other Cookie on Sunday scored more than six points. The team has scored the least points and had the worst production from the defensive flex (which managed 15 points this week) and wide receiver. WR Amani Toomer scored four points. The Cookies had the lowest score for the second week in a row, but Weitz was rather jubilant since the Einar's team had lost. Weitz said, "Steve Johnson for beating that [friendly] lucky [boy] Einar." Weitz then went on an extended rant about unfair treatment from the media because of bracketing of his quotes. He threatened, " The media is testing my [fancy] nerves what right do you have to censor my locker room comments this [free] america, freedom of speech and all that [stuff]. You print what I say word for word or I will put into retirement permanently. Amber now kick him in the shin, and tell him to go night-night." Because of this kind of uncalled for verbal abuse, the league's higher powers are looking into either a suspension or a fine for Weitz, whose team could use a steadying presence. Owner Chad Nuss refuses to badmouth the other league owners - he saves his scorn for any opponent of the Oakland Raiders. This week he centered his vicious attack on Brent QB Peyton Manning. Nuss cackled, " Peyton Manning is a crybaby zitfaced [party pooper]. Everytime he left the field last night I wanted to get him a Kleenex and a box of OXY 10. What a sap. I'd rather have Tom Brady in my lineup...oh he is in my lineup...ouch." The Coroners were led by TE Cam Cleeland who tied the tight end record with 14 points and Sebastian Janakowski, who regained the #1 K spot. Janakowski was handed the game ball by Nuss and told "to keep taking the GBH because it works." The Coroner Raiders did not score many TD's but they did rack up the yards. RB Tyrone Wheatley did have a score, but only had four points and will be knocked out of action for three to four weeks due to a tender tootsie. Gannon and Brown hooked up for 18 points combined and Geriatric Rice had another two points. The defensive flex came through big time with a team high 28 points led by Deltha O'Neal's 13 points. And who thought he would do nothing after his big 4-interception game? Nuss noted correctly that "my bench athletes scored 97 and my starters scored 85...but a win is a win." The bench was led by QB Jeff Garcia who scored 36 points on four TD's and 15 points worth of yards. He is now the #1 rated player in Modano land, but has only seen one game of action. Laverneus Coles, Ron Dayne and Eddie Kennison all scored in double digits from the bench and will be inserted into the Coroner's Raider-deprived Week 7 line up. When asked what this victory reminded him of, Nuss conjured up the " Raiders Monday Night against Kansas City at Home (1997). TD by Rison late in the 4th quarter. Pouring rain...nobody left the stadium, it was awesome. Raiders won it by 1 point. Unless I was dreaming...." No, it wasn't a dream and neither was your breaking a three game losing streak. Onward and upward!
Week 7 previews - Those aforementioned Coroners meet the Wookies in the winless team's best chance to date at a win. The Coroners are without all of their Raiders as well as their quarterbacks, including #1 rated Jeff Garcia. They have installed Patriot QB Tom Brady as their starter and also introduce the league to Ike Hilliard and Kris Brown as a replacement for Sebastian Janakowski, if anyone can replace him. The Wookies have not changed their line up at press date, but the 5-team byes only affect them in that Jason Taylor is out. Lawyer Milloy will be a suitable replacement. It will be interesting to see where Brady's allegiances lie - he knows that Owner Will Mitchell bleeds Patriot colors, but he is being given a chance by Owner Chad Nuss in Nuss's nightmare week. The Coroners have beaten the Wookies three out of the four times they have met. There are also two huge match ups at the top of the standings. Owner John Stoer and his team's four game win streak are on the line against the Einar's Luvable Losers who had their four game win streak broken last week. The 44's are injecting some new blood into the line up with former-Envy members, Travis Taylor and Correll Buckholter. The 44's also welcome back QB Donovan McNabb in what will be the first pairing of Donovan and Marvin, but KJ should not be forgotten. The 44's are the top rated team in the league and hope to stay there. Owner Steve "The Einar" Olsen is taking the conservative approach with 10 Week 6 starters in the line up. The only change is K David Akers for the Eagles. Last year the Losers swept the series, which will be a point in Stoer's pregame locker room sermon. The other big match up pairs the San Francisco Cubists and the surging Bull City Bears. The Cubists are going to be without WR Terrell Owens, but welcome back Warrick Dunn to the lineup. The Bears have Jimmy Smith coming back, but are without RB Shaun Alexander. Randy Moss is already complaining about his demotion to the offensive flex, but a big game against the Packers would surely regain his starting spot. The series history has been lop-sided with the Cubists taking five of the six match ups. The Envy find themselves in another vengeance match. The Brents seem hell-bent on playing more Packers than anyone could possibly stomach. Could this be the week that Farf finally gets hurt as Ed McDaniel plows through the line and puts his helmet right on the inbred moron's knee? While one hates to root for injury, that one would be so sweet. The Brents welcome TE Erron Kinney to the lineup and are only playing with 18% of their Week 1 line up (A-hole Green and Ryan Longpoor). The Envy have totally rearranged their line up from Week 6. QB Steve "Austin" McNair reassumes his starting spot as he is coming off his best week of the season - is it one week too late? The Envy also have an entirely new offensive flex with two Ram speed burners, Ass Hakim and Trung Canidate, along with the difference maker, WR Curtis Conway. Conway is sure to either lead the Envy to many triumphs or hurt his hamstring. K Super Joe Nedney is also back after being unceremoniously dumped for the higher scoring Super Jose Cortez. The Envy are the first team to use 11 different players in the offensive flex. Finally, we have the ugly match up between the downward spiraling Weaselicious Cookies and the Walnut Creek Mountain Devils. There are some who believe that Owner Dan Weitz won't even show up to his own game so that he can root for the Syracuse 44's. Weitz did take the trouble to insert Marcus Coleman into his defensive flex which couldn't hurt. He also welcomes Mike Vanderjagt back into the lineup. The Devils, who may be reverting into Otter mode, have not changed their line up at press time, but are only affected by the byes with DB Charles Woodson.
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