Einar's Luvable Losers 105 P-Miss Envy 93 For the first time this season, Owner Steve "the Einar" Olsen felt the fear of losing. He had tasted a bitter pill on Sunday and he needed some special magic on Monday night to come through with his fourth straight win to open the season. The Einar's Packers had lost for the first time and his own Antonio Freekman scored 0 points. To make matters worse, the league's giant killers, Owner Perry Missner's P-Miss Envy, were playing well. They were led by young LB Brian Urlacher who seemed to be everywhere at once. He had 5 tackles, a sack, a forced fumble, a fumble recovery, an interception, a pass defended, 100 yards of returns and to top it all off - a touchdown. His 28 points were the high for the year and equaled the league record for a defensive player set in 1998 by Dwayne Washington. Not to be lost in his fine play was the fact that the Bears whupped the miserable Falcons. A weekend in which the Bears and Packers lose - now, that's nice. Envy QB Jim Miller had a score and 7 points, but was overshadowed by Loser WR Marty Booker who threw for a TD, received another and had 17 points. Loser RB LaDanian Tomlinson had another nice day with 12 points and a score and K Olindo Mare had the second highest score for his position this season with 16 points. WR Keyshawn Johnson had 5 mighty points against the Einar's Packers. The Envy did not have many TD's but they amassed a fairly decent score. TE Byron Chamberlain found his way to pay dirt and scored 9 and Correll Buckholter managed 8 points all on yards. It was the Envy defense that was superior on this day. Along with Urlacher's fantastic play, Ray Lewis remembered the Titans with 9 points and Jeremiah Trotter had another 11. The 48 defensive flex points is a new Modano record, surpassing the 44's week 1 40 point outburst and the Cubists' 2000 44 points. This was more along the lines of what Missner was thinking when he drafted linebackers early. Unfortunately, the Envy's running squad (besides sweet Correll) looked lost. Eddie George, Kevin Barlow and Olandis Gary could only score 5 points combined and the Envy offensive flex was held to a season low 11 points. K Jose Cortez only had 6 points as well. Despite these problems, the Envy went into the Monday turn ahead by 9 points with Torry Holt battling against Kurt Warner and Isaac Bruce. When Bruce fumbled early on Monday evening, Missner had hope. When Missner saw how pathetic the Lions continue to be, even in Detroit, he went to sleep. Holt did score a TD and have 10 points, but it wasn't enough to overcome Warner, who Missner discovered three years ago. Warner assumed the #1 keeper slot with 27 points on 3 TD's as the Losers galloped to their 4th straight win. In case you were wondering, the record for consecutive wins to open a season is 8 set by the Cubists last year. Missner took the loss and the franchise's first 1-3 start in stride. He said, "My team played pretty well. The Bears won and the Packers lost - that's about all I can ask for. My game ball goes to Brian Urlacher. What a special player he is." The Einar continued his unwillingness to speak to the press, but Kurt Warner dropped a number of bombshells in his Tuesday morning interview. Warner said, "Man, am I sick of that walrus, Mike Holmgren getting any credit for my great success. Holmgren wouldn't even let me pass that piece of crap Hasselback on the depth chart. He cut me by sending me a letter - he couldn't even do it face to face. Of course, Tom Oates - that Pecker shill - reported that Holmgren taught me all I know, but let's face facts - Holmgren is a doofus." Oates, who was penning his latest ode on how Doug Pederson could be staring for 25 teams in the NFL, was said to be shocked at Warner's allegations. Oates said, "I represent the NFC for ESPN and deny that I have particular leanings toward any team or the other." He then let out a cough that sounded something like, "Vikings suck."
Bull City Bears 99 Peaks Island Wookies 99 The Wookies' Week 1 tie/loss to the Cookies had a terrible effect on Owner Will Mitchell. He questioned his team. He questioned his own managing. He questioned his place in society. He tore half of his hair out trying to answer these mostly unanswerable questions. Weeks 3 and 4 offered little solace to Mitchell as his team remained winless. We must now assume that Mitchell is completely bald after his second tie/loss on the Wookies' highest scoring week of the year. Mitchell seemed to place all the right players in the line up for a win. The Bears just happen to be the only active team that the Wookies have not beaten. QB Tim Couch had a nice game with 13 points and was matched by the league's #1 receiver Rod Smith. Each, however, only had one TD. Ricky Williams led the offense with 17 points - on only one TD. Mike Alstott ran over powerless Packer defenders on his way to 11 points. The defensive line defense had its best day with Jason Taylor recovering a fumble in the endzone for yet another TD and scoring 19 points. The defense had a Wookie high with 33 points all told. Only K Gary Anderson had a bad day as the worst kicking team only received one point from the old man. That would prove important. The Bull City Bears of Owner Randy Chambers had their own problems to work out. The void left with Marvin Harrison's departure left only whiny bitch Randy Moss as the team's complainer. Moss has complained all season that he has not seen the ball enough and until now had blamed Harrison. Moss finally scored his first TD and had nine points. That's one TD. QB Daunte Culpepper had another two TD's plus a two point conversion (taking a point away from Anderson in the process) for his first all pro game of 19. That's three. Jerome Bettis had 153 yards and 10 points but no TD's. New TE Burp Frankfurter had zero points as he will probably have for the rest of the season. What a bust. The another new recruit smiling Curtis Martin had his best of the season with 22 points on two TD's. Martin led the Bear offensive flex to a season record 35 points. The Bear running game also looks to be much improved as Bettis, Martin and Shaun Alexander who exploded off the bench for 26 points could lead the Bears somewhere. K Wade Richey assumed the #1 kicking slot again with 11 points in his first action for the Bears. Owner Randy Chambers said, "Last year I said the team should pass, pass, pass. I didn't think that would mean that we would pass on the championship. This year I am trying to develop more of a balance. Matt Millen told me that you have to have balance on offense to win." Speaking of Millen, his horrible Lions held the Wookies only chance for victory on Monday. The Wookies had a 6 point advantage (with each team scoring 5 TD's) with Johnny Morton going against the Bears' London Fletcher. Morton was not able to manage much with only 2 points on 40 yards. Fletcher, who has been one of the top linebackers this year, had a subpar game for himself, with only 8 points. The 8 points were enough to cause a tie and the leagues many tiebreaker rules came into effect. Mitchell knew that the first tie-breaker was TD's scored. Again, it was even at 5. What Mitchell did not know was the second tie-breaker. That turned out to be kicker points. Once again, Gary Anderson had one point while Wade Richey scored 11. That equaled a Bears win and another disheartening Wookie loss. A disconsolate Mitchell sputtered, "C'mon - What's a guy gotta do to get a win in this league. I've had some success in the past, but I don't know what is going on this year. My team shouldn't suck like this." And he began to cry. Later he gave the game ball to Bear K Wade Richey. If the Wookies lose next week, they will be the first team to start the season with five losses since the Cookies (then called the Losers) in 1999. No team has started the season with 6 straight losses..
Syracuse 44's 91 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 78 The 44's are on a roll, but Owner John Stoer must be patient to get what he really wants. Last week, he was finally able to obtain star WR Marvin Harrison from the Bears, but he wasn't able to play him because the Colts were the only team on the bye. While Harrison will be in the line up in Week 6, it is Donovan's turn to sit. He must be patient. Meanwhile, he can continue to enjoy a nice win streak - which is now at three games, the 44's first three game win streak since 1998. It wasn't an easy victory as Owner Rob Ouaou had his Mountain Devils keyed for victory. It just so happens that the 44's are the only active franchise that the Mountain Devils have not defeated. The Mountain Devils came out firing. QB Elvis Grbac loved me tender to the tune of 14 points and a TD, while RB Michael Anderson finally stepped up with a nice TD run and 16 more points. Even back up QB Vinny Testaverde got into the act with 17 points. Orange alum Qadry Ismail had 12 points, but his coach did not like the way he sauntered into the endzone. Ouaou yelled from his pressbox, "Get into the endzone, bizotch!" LB Marvin Jones led the Devil D with 13 points and Charles Woodson had the first block (5 pts.) of the season. Cris Carter did not have a good game as he was also sauntering into the endzone, he lost the ball. All he does is fumble away TD's. Freddie Jones scored a point and Deuce McAlister came off the Devil bench to score his first two points of the season. Despite the season high 18 points from the offensive flex, the Devils still sport the worst OF in Modano land. The 44's were not afraid of the Devils nice performance. They have racked up 90+ points in each of the first three games and did it again in Week 5. The key to the 44's is QB Donovan McNabb who now hands out the gameballs. He had 2 TD's and 16 points for his 4th consecutive all pro performance. John Stoer said, "He's even better than I expected - and that's saying a lot." Troy Aikman concurred. The new Fox broadcaster mentioned how the momentum can turn this way and that, but once again had very little to add to the broadcast. Dennis Miller may suck as a broadcaster, but at least he adds something. Doug Flutie warmed up for his Week 6 showing with 4 points. The 44's still lead the league in all pro performances with 7. TE Wesley Walls showed why everyone likes him better than Booger Frankfurter (even though no one still likes him much) by snatching the TE position and scoring 13 points with a TD. The 44's have now tied the Cubists for best TE play. Even WR Eric Moulds, heretofore a bust, came out of nowhere to score 13 points. Perhaps he has mental telepathy with Alex Van Pelt. K Jason Elam had a nice 10 point day and WR Kevin Johnson had 8 points on yards. New recruit Garrison Hearst had a nice game with 5 points - he looks like he may the steal of the deal. With Walls, McNabb and Monday night player James Stewart (another 7 points), the 44's tie the Losers for best keepers. Stoer said, "It's nice to be able to rebound from the poor season we had in 2000 to get some early season wins this year. Now, I am not going to call this season a success yet, because we have a long way to go and a lot of battles to face, but I am saying that I am impressed with the early season play of my team. Donovan - what can you say? And now that we have Marvin on board, we are going to be tough to beat. Now, I am not saying that we will be unbeatable - we showed that in week 1 when we did score 102 points and lose, but we will be very, very, very tough to beat. Shame on me for not having Qadry on my roster. If I'd have lost, I'd have given him the game ball. I am little bit upset with Curtis Conway who I thought would be the difference maker, but perhaps he was just taking a week off. I am looking forward to next week's match up as I have a score to settle." When asked if Steve was pretty, Stoer said, �Absolutely not!� Commenting on his own team, Ouaou said, �My whole GODDAMN team is in the crapper. Where is Al Davis when I need him?� When it was his turn to answer the Steve question, Ouaou said, �Who? Steve Perry from Journey? Hell yeah!� Ouaou went on to ruminate on the Jordan comeback as he made a pitch to be Air�s trainer, �He'll be fatter than when he returned from his gambling suspension, err...I mean �baseball� career.�
San Francisco Cubists 78 Weaselicious Cookies 53 Quietly, without the usual controversy, the San Francisco Cubists are having another solid season. As hard as it sometimes for Owner Jason Moore to bite his lip and say the proper thing, he has been unwavering in his graciousness and congeniality. Sadly, the same can not be said for this week's opponent, Owner Dan Weitz and his Weaselicious Cookies. Weitz seems more concerned with the undefeated Losers than his own bumbling squad. He snatched his young daughter out of her first year of education and forced her to become a drill sergeant, which she hasn't really minded. Nevertheless, little Amber Weitz may some day regret not learning her additions and printing. Of course, she will know more about the infamous Oklahoma drill than any of her peers. Weitz sent out the usual lollygaggers in Week 5 and the team was so exhausted from the 16 hour practice days that they literally wilted in front of the Cubists. Brian Griese was only able to score 7 points on TD and Amani Toomer had a mere 3 points. The offensive flex combined for 10 points with new recruit Maurice Smith outpointing his brother Emmitt, 4-2. The league's worst defensive flex had another poor game with 12 points. Hardy Nickerson decided not to play, claiming that the practice time for the Cookies was excessive. K Matt Stover was a mild bright light with 8 points, but the 41 points scored on Sunday did not bode well. The Cubists also did not bring their A-game. They did have two receivers stand out. Keeper WR Terrell Owens broke out of a mild slump with an all-pro game. Owens, not exactly a Weitz favorite, burned the Cowboy fan for 19 points on two scores and was given the game ball by Moore. Not to be outdone, WR Marcus Robinson caught a beautiful TD ball and had 14 points. That guy is the real deal - as long as he can stay healthy. TE Tony Gonzalez continued to chug away with 8 points on yards and Travis Henry made a surprise appearance with 7 points. Big Stacy Mack, a great last name coupled with a weiner's first name, brought his weiner game with two fumbles and -1 points. QB Aaron Brooks is still trying to shake off the confusion instilled him by one Mike Holmgren. He only scored 5 points as he was trying to rid himself of awful memories with that walrus shouting at him. RB Corey Dillon replaced Stephen Davis as the starter and scored a small 4 points. Even the Cubists defense had only 17 points, led by Randall Godfrey's 8. Cookie RB Marshall Faulk scored 12 points on Monday but it was not enough to make up the deficit. Faulk was singled out by Weitz for not taking enough points away from Loser QB Kurt Warner. Moore said, " The receivers are stepping it up now it's time for the RBs to start finding the endzone." Reporters tried to goad him into something more by asking if he thought Steve was pretty, but all they could get was a terse, "no comment." He did comment that the return of Michael Jordan was the best thing to happen to the Wizards/Bullets since 1978, but then vanished as Weitz assumed the podium. Weitz, who is known in Ripon and Pick'n'Save circles for having a mean streak a mile wild, let out a profanity laced diatribe about the league's winningest owner, the Einar. "[Fliddledee]!, won't someone [friendly] beat that Einure?!? He has sucked in fantasy sports for years so we can't let him do well now. I say we hit him in the knee with a pipe at Target when he's in the young miss or lingerie sections." Weitz went on as the members of the press filed out of the pressroom. One embarrassed media person said, "And he calls himself an Oshkosh North High School graduate - for shame!" Weitz did give the game ball to Amber which caused some oohs, but he quickly continued his harangue on the Einar. When asked what he thought about Jordan coming back, Weitz said, "the Einar will probably pick him #1." He also commented that Steve was pretty - pretty sucky at Play Station games.
Brentful Brents 70 County Coroners 61 No one was sure how the young Brents would react coming off their first loss. A sense of stupid calm had enveloped the team as inbred, moron QB Brent Farf was given the starting nod. Owner Steve Johnson, who is pretty on the inside, felt confident in Farf who had been having big games off the bench. Farf had his own backers on the team including RB A-hole Green and WR Bill Scroter. Scroter was yanked out of the starting line up for Lamar Smith by Johnson at the 11th hour. Johnson had sent a written protest to the league offices because he had already chalked up the win since Owner Chad Nuss' Raider-laden County Coroners were supposed to be without the majority of the team. No one was sure why the Raiders' bye had been changed but it could have been due to the success of the Oakland A's. So, Mr. Johnson, if you have a beef, take it up with Bud Selig. With the Raiders playing the hapless Cowboys, Nuss felt confident his team would score in bunches. The Raiders did put 28 points on the board, but they simply were not enough. Rich Gannon connected with Geriatric Rice for a TD and the two combined for 18 points. RB Tyrone Wheatley had his best day of the season with two TD's and 14 points. K Sebastian Janakowski had his lowest score of the season with 7 points but was so happy that he went out to celebrate and broke his head on the dance floor. Even Tim Brown, who didn't score a TD, had 7 points. It was the non-Raiders who failed Nuss. TE Patrick Hape had another 0. Ron Dayne hurt his neck and score 2. Captain Pat Tillman, a Brent in 2000, had just one point and was cut. Oronde Gadsen, who only seems to play well on Monday night when Al Michaels can say his name, had one point. Yet, going into Monday night, the Coroners were only down by two. That was because Farf did not lead his team very well. The hill billy threw three interceptions of his own and was unable to score with time winding down. One of his interceptions was returned majestically for a TD by the Bucs. A-hole Green had 7 points, but no TD's and Scrote kept his 13 points on the bench. Lamar Smith, who was given the gameball by Johnson, came up large with 16 points on a score and a bunch of yards, but he was the only Brent all pro on the day. The defense would have scored better if Johnson had not replaced John Abraham at the last moment with Sam Shade. Shade did have 8 points, but Abraham score a TD and 16 points. Oh well. Johnson did not have much to say in his post game interview, but he did mention cynically that he thought Jordan's return was simply a ploy for NBC to get viewership up. If NBC wanted to get NBA viewership up, they should show an exciting team like the Milwaukee Bucks. People are sick of seeing the Lakers every week. I know I was. Nuss was more effusive in his interview. Happily, unlike Weitz, Nuss censored himself. Commenting on his team and the game, Nuss said, " all i have to say is &%$^#^# and ((*&^%$$# about this ()*^&^ fantasy football (*&%. The team comes out and plays like (&*% and all I have to account for is a 1-3 (*^^$%^&*&^) (&(^&*^(*&((^^%$$ record. F$%#!" Commenting on Jordan, Nuss said, " Kobe's going to take him to the new school, and the Lakers are going to make him look like he belongs in a wheelchair.... I also think he's gonna get real frustrated when he doesn't win for a while...." Something Nuss might know something about. Finally, when asked if thought Steve was pretty, Nuss couldn't comment about his opposing owner, but related that "Jamo told me he is gorgeous." Moore, of course, had no comment on that, but Johnson said he was flattered anyway.
Week 5 previews - The marquee match up of the week is sadly between two Packer fans. Ugh. The undefeated Losers take on the 3-1 Brents. Owner Steve Johnson welcomes back Peyton Manning to the line up. Johnson has promised changes for Manning and hopes that Manning doesn't call in any of those promises in the near future. Brent Farf was disgusted by the benching. "One bad game," said Farf, "don't mean jack squirt." Johnson is going with Green and Scroter in his starting line up along with Longwell. Priest Holmes makes his Brent debut and Jerome Pathon will be back as well. The Einar has to do without TE Chad Lewis who has had one good game and three lousy games. He will counter Manning with TE Marcus Pollard. LB Mike Peterson also makes his return to the Loser line up for Troy Vincent. The Einar won both matches last year. The revenge match of the week is between the 44's and Envy. The Envy have won 4 out of the 5 games in the series and recently Owner Perry Missner cost Owner John Stoer a performance fleece. You see, Stoer was in the race for the top honors on ESPN's Fantasy Baseball, but because Missner was not paying attention - he had three starter go on the final day. All three starters pitched magnificently and won, which netted Missner's Grym RyPers 1.5 points and took two points away from the league champion Cap�n Dan�s Drunken Fools. Stoer�s team ended in 13th, whereas if he had the two points he would have qualified for 4th and be sporting a new performance fleece. The 44�s have their guns loaded and are shooting to kill. With Donovan on the bye, they line up former Bears Doug Flutie and Curtis Conway. They also introduce James Farrior, the number one rated linebacker in the league. The Envy have countered with Syracuse-bred Redskin LB Kevin Mitchell. Travis Taylor and Peter Warrick return to the line up as well. It should be a hum-dinger. The Wookies hope to end their losing slide, but they face the always pleasant but tough to be Cubists. The Wookies have actually handled the San Francisco team in three out of their four meetings, but Owner Will Mitchell will have to set his frustrations aside and tend to his team. He is making a big mistake by inserting Queer Katchatootie from the Packers as he has had his moment in the sun. The rest of his line up is the same. Owner Jason Moore is going to try out James Jackson who is earlier cut by the 44�s. If the Cubists lose, will Moore break his icy fa�ade and really let the league know what he thinks about them, or will he continue to be the nicest guy anyone has ever meant. By the way, Jamo how about giving me five bucks? The Bears should be on an emotional high coming off their tie/win but they shouldn�t expect to be so lucky for the next millenium. They face the Devils who welcome back Edgerrin James. Owner Rob Ouaou has been speaking his own mind more lately which is great to see. Some wonder about Chambers� silence. The Bears have taken two out of three and might be helped by one week wonder Shaun Alexander. The final game is between the two potty mouths. Owner Chad Nuss had the good sense to censor himself after his disappointing Week 5 loss. Michael Pittman will surely not score many against the voracious Bear defense. His pick up of Deltha O�Neal is certainly questionable as a guy who gets 4 picks in one game is sure to get none in the next. Speaking of questionable pick ups is Dan Weitz. He has sent Amber back to school (those child labor laws are tough to get around) and the team is still practicing all the time. He introduces Willie Jackson to the league and hopes that Emmitt starts running or else he won�t break the record in the next 10 years.
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[Editor's note: I have decided not to retire. There is simply an itch that needs to be scratched and I think I have a few things to prove to all of the people who said that I couldn�t continue at the same pace. I won�t name any names, but you know who you are. For the foreseeable future, I will remain your faithful link to the media. Until next week!]