Brentful Brents 119 Weaselicious Cookies 72 The battle for Oshkosh High School bragging rights became a complete route as the Brent QB who the team is not named for went hog wild (soo-ey!) in breaking the individual point record. Peyton Manning sent a message to Brent Owner Steve Johnson and perhaps the rest of the league as he scored 39 points on 5 scores and 421 passing yards. Manning is still not talking to his Owner and has told family members (thanks for talking, Arch) that he will not say a word until the QB situation is resolved. Apparently, he resents being lumped in with the inbred morons his team seems so filled with and he has started a faction of his own. Solidly in Payton's corner is WR James Thrash who also went hog wild with 23 points. Thrash said, "Johnson should have named this team Manning's Men or something similar - he knew that Payton was coming back and was going to be Da Man!" Johnson furthered his slight of Manning by passing the game ball right in front of his nose and giving it to A-hole Green. There is more dissension on this team than the old Chicago Blackhawks of the famed Sega hockey league. Green scored 9 points and fellow Pecker Ryan Longpoor helped trounce the Redskins with 13 points. Chad Brown, who Tom Oates claimed has rejuvenated his career under the tutelage of Mike Holmgren, scored 14 points and Kevin Hardy chipped in with 7. Sadly, DB Robert Griffith broke his leg on the opening kickoff in a losing effort to the Chicago Bears and scored 0. WR Tai Streets, another surprise starter, was singled out for his crappiness by Johnson and was cut before he could take his uniform off. In his postgame conference, Johnson said, "You have to give these kids the chance to succeed, and I gave some a chance. A few proved themselves, others did not. It's the toughest job as a coach but choices have to be made and I hope to see them later on the other side. We will play one game at time, this is a game of inches, and we will play for those inches. Thank you." Johnson was intermittently interrupted by the shouts of "Boring" from members of the press. He finished his conference by asking a question of his own to the press, "Do you think I am pretty?" which caused peals of laughter throughout one and all. The Cookies were coming off an impressive Week 1 comeback win and had what Troy Aikman referred to as "the momentum was on their side." Aikman did not say much else of value. Owner Dan Weitz had upset the Cookie faithful by benching star runner Emmitt Smith. His replacement, Terry Allen, scored 5 while Emmitt had 6 from the bench. Weitz promised Smith that the benching would not happen again. Brian Griese and Marshall Faulk reprised their week 1 scores, although Weitz was not pleased by Faulk who he claimed should score 30 points a game like he did last year. We can expect another senseless benching soon. J.J. Stokes matches his fellow 49er Streets with 0 and the predictable demise of the Cookie D came true as they only score 11 with only holdover Hugh Douglas eating the bagel. Weitz promised changes as he said, "My team is going to go through 3 a days with our conditioning coach [6-year old daughter] Amber because they are a as tough as a bunch of 1st graders. Amber told me that there will be no recess or "tea party" for any player that can't make it." He then offered a less than veiled threat to the league's hierarchy, "She also told me to tell the commish that if he continues to rip on her dad the commish will have to go 'night-night'!!" Weitz continued on an extended rant about how the Oshkosh West High School orchestra will always be pathetic because they are led by the bowl-haircutted Mr. Schwebke. Showing that she is now clearly in her Daddy's camp, Amber said that she was excited about her promotion from 1st grader to strength and conditioning coach and made her Daddy beam with pride as she said, "Packers suck."
San Francisco Cubists 72 County Coroners 51 In the usually intense battle of the bay, the usual outcome came out of a lackluster affair. The game was preceded by the midweek controversy of the Gruden family. Raider Coach Jon Gruden issued a statement disavowing any knowledge of a familial relationship between himself "and this Nuss kid." The statement read, "I know this kid is a big fan, but he is simply not a winner - like all Grudens are - and I know that I don't have any half -brother. Hell, he doesn't even look like Chucky." Even thesmokinggun.com uncovered legal papers that Nuss and Gruden are of no relation. Just to show everyone who was the boss, Nuss yanked Raider QB Rich Gannon out of the line up and replaced him with San Francisco native and ex-CFL refugee Jeff Garcia. Garcia played well individually with 17 points, but did not lead the team in any sense of the word. No one on the offense scored more than 2 points with an awful 1 point coming from the entire offensive flex. Geriatric Rice and stolen Eddie Kennison both notched goose eggs. Gannon, the leader, did only score 4 points. Nuss was further frustrated by his own QB's score being matched by Cubist late pick up QB Chris Chandler. Chandler assumed the QB position after Owner Jason Moore learned that more Modano owners consider George inept than even inbred moron Brent Farf. Even Cubist Troy Brown outscored his brother Tim, 6 to 1. Chandler was helped greatly by the late insertion of WR Marcus Robinson. Robinson, when healthy, is a game breaker and he had a beautiful TD catch as well as a nice 12 points. The Cubist keepers once again did not do much as the three combined for 9 points. The Cubists defense also did not contribute much as first week stud Peter Boulware became week 2 dud in only scoring one point. Cubist K Jeff Wilkens topped highly touted Sea-Bass Janakowski by a 11 to 10 margin, but Nuss gave his game ball to his kicker nevertheless. In both post game conferences there was a lot of discussion of the Dolphin-Raider game. The more boisterous Nuss took his back up QB Jay Fiedler to task for hurting his precious Raiders. Nuss said, "Did you see Jay Fiedler stand up after the hit he took during the Raiders game? He looked like a retarded step-child getting up from an afternoon nap." Fiedler was considering contacting the Jewish Defamation League for help in getting off the team as he doesn't like being the third stringer and shouldn't have to take that kind of abuse from his owner. Fieldler scored 15 points in leading the Dolphins to victory. Nuss was clearly exasperated at not having beaten a Cubist team without its first line QB as well as having the lowest score of the season. He claimed that he wanted to "go back into hiding again and be mysterious." The press believed that Nuss wouldn't mind being a Cubist lackey once again as rumors of a Jeff Garcia for Kordell Stewart deal arose. Meanwhile, Moore was all praise in his chat with the media. He thanked "the Dolphins for playing inspired defense and Chandler for steadying the ship." The rest of his words were lost, however, as the members of the press drowsed off before Moore could even give all the credit in the world to anyone or thank Jesus for something or another. Flamboyant San Francisco Chronicle columnist Rex Reed wrote in an op-ed piece that Moore should replaced by someone who will come up with an interesting quote from time to time or at least hold a parade in support of something. Reed wrote, "I think the Cubist name is fab-u-lous, but the owner is a complete bore. Instead of giving us these dull thank you's or credit goes here or there, Moore should quote Truman Capote or Ellen Degeneres. The least he could do is play some Elton John at the stadium. How about "Your Song" when the Cubists make a home run?"
Syracuse 44's 90 Peaks Island Wookies 61 This match up of first week hard luck losers figured to be a tough battle between two competitors who know each other well. The Wookies had history on their side with all three previous encounters being Wookie wins, but their roster did not support them in 2001. First, they had to go without Ricky Williams who was on the bye. Then in mid-week, Terrell Davis went down for the third year in a row with knee problems. Owner Will Mitchell who wasn't happy after being defeated by the electoral college in Week 1 went lower and lower. He had to insert Garrison Hearst as his starting runner and put fiesty little James Allen in his offensive flex. Pundits predicted big things for Allen since he was going against the Vikings D, but it just wasn't the week for it. Rod Smith did have a huge game with 22 points to set a starting WR record for the year. Meanwhile, the 44's happily countered with great QB Donovan "Game Ball" McNabb and Wookie nemesis Curtis Martin. McNabb went up top for his big points and connected for 28 points on three TD's. Martin ran for a TD and scored 13 points. Owner John Stoer was not happy, however, with the performances of high round picks Eric "Ha Ha, I went in the 2nd round!" Moulds and Duce "If it's week 2, I must be hurt again" Staley. They produced zeroes. Wesley Walls confirmed why no one likes him because even he couldn't score a point. Jason Elam had a strong game with 13 points and the defense chipped in another nice week of 26. Donnie Edwards, the top linebacker in football, scored another 11 points. The defense also managed to knock out Wookie after Wookie. First, Hearst went down with a concussion and scored zero. Later, former Mitchell favorite QB Drew Bledsoe was hit so hard he had to be taken to the hospital. He scored a league low -1, but negative QB performances are nothing new for the Wookies who received many in 2000. What is new for the Wookies is Mitchell's sudden venomous anger. He had to be restrained in his lockerroom interview when asked about Bledsoe. Mitchell spat, "Bledsoe is the crappiest, most inept QB I have ever been associated with. I didn't see any of this 'so-called' internal bleeding. I think he just wussed out." Mitchell was so irate that on Tuesday he made a sudden and irrevocable move - he cut Bledsoe and picked up (snicker, snicker) Jake Plummer. Everyone in Wookie nation was surprised - even Peter Gammons, who said, "Next to the failures of Sun Woo Kim and Jin Ho Cho, this is the most surprising move in New England sports since the Celtics left Brandeis University as their practice gym." On Tuesday, Mitchell was unapologetic. He said, " OHHH and TWO ouch it huirts so bad i need a running game and the pats they just plain suckkk - oh where is my Tight End performace??? the misery the pain - first cincy then the jets and the wookies are 0-2." Then he began weeping. On Wednesday, he had what he coined "great remorse. I cut drew in his time of need. It was strictly a business decision, as they say, but 0-2 demands some action." .He followed his statement of his team with an equally low question, "Does anyone need any mapping services?" Mitchell then tried to give the game ball to Bledsoe, but found that his janitors had already cleared out his locker and given it to Plummer. Doctors advised Bledsoe to stay in the hospital for a few days to regain some of the two pints of blood he lost, but the toughman QB was camping on the Mitchell estate lawn. Despite the shockingly bad treatment, Bledsoe apparently still wants to be a Wookie. Stoer could only look across the field and feel sympathy for the once proud Wookies. He said, "I just got lucky to face a depleted-by-the-bye-week Wookie squad. That, and Donovan is so the man." He then changed the subject and made a call out to fellow owner Randy Chambers, "Why won't you respond to repeated trade offers for admittedly superb ex-Syracuse WR's?"
Bull City Bears 83 P-Miss Envy 70 The aforementioned Randy Chambers had to be a bit concerned as his juggernaut offense fell on its face in the first week. Yet, the cool Chambers never panicked. He never picked up Derrick Thomas. He never pulled a Randy. He simply made a few adjustments to his roster with a few players on bye and let his boys do the work. Unhappy Marvin Harrison still wanted to prove he had the skillz that pay the billz and he wanted his starting slot. He opened the eyes of Chambers and the rest of the league with a whopping 27 point performance on 3 TD's and over 100 yards. Harrison said, "I would have loved to have saved this performance for when I am traded to Syracuse but I feared that my trade stock might be a bit low after my poor Week 1 performance." Chambers backed up his star receiver, "Harrison is a star. I am not going to trade him like he was Manhattan. I want equal compensation for a star - that is, two stars!" The rest of the Bears did just enough to win. Daunte Culpepper had the worst looking 13 point performance anyone has seen in a long time. He did not get much help from whiny Randy Moss either. Moss refused to run or block. He barely even tried to catch the ball. Maybe his mysterious powers have vanished since he got his teeth straightened. He settled for 5 points, which was about as much as he could manage as his Vikings fell to the victorious Chicago Bears. The Bears defense played very well as new recruit Keith Brooking nearly matched London Fletcher as the two combined for 23 points. J.R. Redmond scored two more points than anyone thought he would. Meanwhile, the P-Miss Envy are going though their second year of early season doldrums. The team just doesn't seem to be in sync. Clearly, they are a better team with a healthy Steve "Austin" McNair, but he looks like he is going to be on the shelf for a while. His replacement, for the time being, is elderly rookie Chris Weinke whose name sounds more like a baby doll than a rough'n'tough football player. Winky, nevertheless, means business as he scored an all-pro performance 15 points. He was equaled by RB Jamal Anderson who seems to have recovered from two years of malaise. Anderson had 98 yards rushing and a TD on 94 yard passing play. The Envy defense also played adequately with Brian "Gameball" Urlacher netting 9 points and Jeremiah Trotter getting 10. Ray Lewis hasn't killed anyone with his mediocre performances. Eddie George is also not looking too great as he scored just 6 points. There are rumors that his little toe, which he had surgery on in the offseason, has not recovered. Will Mitchell would call him a wuss - and we agree. Hopefully, his time on the bye will help him recover. WR Derrick Mason and Torry Holt didn't do much and Mason got hurt simultaneously spraining his ankle and shoulder. The Envy bench did field some hopeful performances as Mike Vick scored what will be the first of many, many TD's for the Envy. Kevin Barlow and Olandis Gary also scored TD's from the bench. Knowing that the game was out of reach on Monday night, Missner thought he could support the Bears in two ways by rooting on the Bull City Redskins who were participating in the game against the hated Packers. The entire Redskins team did nothing which disappointed both owners. Bull City Skins Alexander, Westbrook and Bailey only contributed 6 points to the cause and both owners were hoping they would do a lot more. The Redskins made the Packers look like the Harlem Globetrotters as the Danny's squad looked as bad as a team can look. Missner and Chambers came to the same conclusion: "At least the Bears won."
Einar's Luvable Losers 75 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 60 It is hard to know what either owner in this battle was thinking as neither of them has granted the press an opening into their lockerrooms. Nevertheless, the Einar had a score to settle. His rookie season had been a successful one, for the most part. But that week 1 loss to the Devils had left a bad taste in his mouth. 2001 started better for the Einar with a low scoring win over the Bull City Bears. While his line up is loaded with media loathed Packers, the rest of the players have some promise. QB Kurt Warner notched the first Loser all pro game with 24 points as he stood in the pocket solidly and ignored Torry Holt again and again. Happily, for the Einar, he hit Isaac Bruce on a nice TD and the two combined for 36 points. After this happy start, the Losers found their first source of big trouble in the new season. RB Fred Taylor severely pulled his groin on a run and it was so painful he grabbed his crotch and let go of the ball. He was carted off the field and carted out of the Einar's heart with a -2 performance. The Einar was heard to say, "That guy's a keeper?" No one else on the team had stand out performances and the team was actually down going into Monday night. Owner Rob Ouaou's Mountain Devils did not do much to distinguish themselves either. He has boycotted the press for their unwillingness to settle on a spelling for his last name. Is it "Oua" or "Oau?" - they can never remember. In any case, Ouaou can count on Edgerrin James who had another fine Sunday. He was overshadowed by his two Colt mates, but his 16 points led the Devils again. He is shouldering quite a load. Elvis Grbac only had 4 points against the Bengals in a losing effort. Ouaou also pulled TE Freddie Jones who scored a TD and 9 points (which would have been a high for this year) and replaced him with Roland Williams. Williams and fellow starter whiney bitch Cris Carter both scored naughts and nearly came to blows as they argued which Coors Light commercial they preferred. Carter said he liked the one with the giant snowball, while Williams claimed he preferred the one where the igloo falls on the guys head. Williams said, "I just like the way the guy says 'it's cold, but it's not Coors Light better." In any case, no one can get enough of those commercials. Young kicker Jay Feely was good for 7 points, which was more than anyone expected. Charles Woodson was only able to score a point and Michael Anderson who should have been counted on for a huge performance gave way to Olandis Gary and only scored 3 points. David Boston, who Will Mitchell noted has huge arms, did have a good Sunday night with 9 points. On Monday night, the Einar was rescued by his dreadful Packers. The Freekman had his first TD reception in God knows how long. Wayne and Sharper had 14 points on the defensive side as the Losers won by 15. Einar's troupe has two wins under their belt, but neither one has been particularly impressive. Yet, these are the types of wins that champions such as Josh Wilk's Minneapolis Monsoon won regularly. The Einar had some reason for hope from his bench as well. Back up QB Rob Johnson had 15 points and LB Mike Peterson had 14. All in all, the Einar summed up the performance and everything else by being the first one in the last few weeks to utter, "God bless America."
Week 4 previews - In a quirk of scheduling, all three undefeated teams get to fatten up their records on the three teams that have not won yet. The impressive Brentful Brents take their dog'n'pony show over to Walnut Creek to play the Mountain Devils. What can Payton Manning possibly do to top his 39 point outburst and show Owner Steve Johnson that the Brentful Brents is not the right name for a team that he leads? Will James Thrash equal 23 points for the rest of the season? Is their faction strong enough to overcome the overwhelming inbred moron faction? Johnson is sneaking moron, although not inbred, Bill Scroter into the lineup and hopes A-Hole Green can keep up the non-fumbling good work. The Devils will probably go with the same line up. Perhaps Edgerrin can steal the Colt show from Peyton and Michael Anderson can prove himself worthy of a first round pick. The 2-0 Cubists with extraordinarily uncontroversial Owner Jason Moore take on the flaccid P-Miss Envy. The Cubists should welcome back Our Miss Brooks, but heretofore Moore still has Chris Chandler in the line up. Stacey Mack makes his Modano debut. Owner Perry Missner hopes that Chandler is left in because his season's only hope is that the brittle Chandler gets taken out by one of his blitzing defenders. That would open up the way for super talented Mike Vick to take over and allow Steve "Austin" McNair enough time to heal from his new implants. No one knows what is possible with McNair's new bionic shoulder. The Envy fields a mish-mosh line up because of players being out with the bye. They will be especially hurt by the loss of superstar Brian Urlacher. The Envy offensive flex shows relatively untested Kevin Barlow and Correll Buckholter and relatively unproductive Peter Warrick. Perhaps Winky can perform some magic or something. The Cubist keepers are bound to break out sooner or later. The last undefeated team is the Einar's Luvable Losers. Nemesis Owner Dan Weitz is doing all he can to ensure the Einar loses eventually, but his voodoo hexes and Sega taunting don't seem to be enough. The Losers take their shufflin' Crew to Peaks Island to play the headless Wookies. The Bledsoe controversy has taken over the WEEI airwaves and Eddie Andelman is going ape crap about it. A half-dead Bledsoe was last seen camping out in front of the Mitchell Estate, hoping for a reinstatement. Can Jake Plummer hearken back to 1998? Will Ben Coates come out of retirement? Can Mike Alstott hold onto the ball? The Wookies do welcome back Ricky Williams which should help. The Einar might have a problem with Fred Taylor being out, but if he can survive without him - he could be on his way to a championship beating. The match ups of .500 teams feature two lop-sided histories. Owner John Stoer's Syracuse 44's are coming off of an impressive win and face downtrodden Chad Nuss' Coroners. The 44's have handled the Coroners in 5 out of their 6 meetings. Donovan McNabb has a new primary receiver in Curtis "the difference maker" Conway. RB James Jackson makes his debut for the injured Duce Staley. The Coroners have a season low 5 Raiders in the lineup as the Silver and Black take on that offensive genius, Mike Holmgren and his 15 points, and his Seahawks. Finally, the most lopsided of all histories is the Cookies and Bears. The teams have met twice in each of the last three seasons and the Bears have won every time. The only 6-0 history in the league. Owner Randy Chambers is going with Mark Brunell to take over for Daunte Culpepper. He welcomes back Jerome Bettis from his retuning and introduces Wayne Chrebet for the first time this year. Owner Dan Weitz had not announced his line up because they are still in Amber's boot camp - working out the kinks and getting down to the basics. If the Cookies are to defend the honor of the best orchestra in the city of Oshkosh, we can only hope that they will reinstall Emmitt Smith to where he rightfully belongs.
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[Editor's note: I am sad to report that this will be my last week of recap writing. It has been a good run and I think we have all accomplished a lot, but I just don't see any more hurdles I have to leap over. I hereby tender my resignation and hope everyone well in the future.]