San Francisco Cubists 83 Einar�s Luvable Losers 37 The San Francisco Cubists claimed their third championship in four years by easily dispatching the Einar�s team which had mostly gone on vacation already. The Cubists used superior balance to overcome a record awful performance from their QB in notching their 5th blow out win of the season (and 20th in their history). It wasn�t all peaches and cream because starting QB Aaron Brooks has forgotten how to throw to his own receivers and Moore didn�t have quite enough presence of mind to put a 49er DB in the line up. Brooks threw four interceptions and amassed a record low of -9 (taking away Alex Van Pelt�s place in the record book with his abysmal -7). To make matters worse from the QB slot, Losers� QB Kurt Warner (the only Loser to show up) scored 18 points for his 9th all pro performance. Warner threw a few picks of his own, but managed three TD�s. Warner, once again, ignored Loser teammate Isaac Bruce who scored 0 for the second time this season. With a 27 point disadvantage from the one position, Moore knew he had to win the game with his ground attack. Moore, who wouldn�t mind taking a free swing at Owen Wilson because �that dude bugs me,� gave the gameball to Stephen Davis who had his second all pro game with 17 points. Davis was matched Corey Dillon who had his 4th all pro game. The offensive flex was completed by Troy Brown who returned a punt for a TD and had 11 points. The starting runner, Dominic Rhodes (who apparently pronounces his name Dominique according to Brian Baldinger), had 11 points but all on yards. To cement the game for good, WR Terrell Owens had 19 points on two catches for two TD�s. It was his 6th all pro performance. Tony Gonzalez and the Cubist D could not keep up their recent excellence as Gonzalez followed his 18 point outburst with his first zero of the season and the defense only scored 10 points. The defense was not helped by Ronde Barber�s refusal to play. Refusal to play could sum up the Loser effort. The 37 points was the season low total and the team received lows at the RB, WR, TE and OF flex slots. It didn�t help that Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen forgot that the Chargers were on thebye and left LaDainian Tomlinson in the line up. The Losers could have had Terrell Davis� 5 points! The bench kicker, Olindo Mare, once again doubled up the starting kicker, David Akers, 10-5. The Einar, whose team was blown out for the 5th time, had nothing to say about the loss, but after looking closely at the numbers, Amber Weitz said, �Einar sucks.� Moore, on the other hand, had an elaborate victory speech prepared. Here are some of the highlights: �Stephen Davis saved his best for last. Terrell Owens only had two catches, but they were enormous. And Corey Dillon probably won't throw too many more passes for us, but he ran well against a tough defense. Dominic Rhodes capped off an incredible rookie year, with 10 TDs and 1000 yards in only 10 starts. Troy Brown just kept on finding ways to score like he has all year. We're very concerned about Tony Gonzalez. He doesn't go down easily we'll have to wait for the results of his MRI to see how serious his injury is. But even after going scoreless today, and with a terrible Chiefs offense, he still finished tied for top TE in the league. We're worried about Aaron Brooks. Ever since we put in that play for Ronde Barber against the Bears, it seems like he's throwing exclusively to DBs. That display today was atrocious. Ronde Barber and Sammy Knight continued the Cubist tradition of fine defensive secondary play, finishing 1-2. Barber would have outscored Urlacher this year, but we pulled him off the field in that meaningless Philly game. I hope that won't cost him in the voting for defensive player of the year.� Moore finished his speech in the same way that he accrued the positive karma that helped guide him through the season, �Congratulations from the entire Cubist organization to the 44s on such a great season and impressive turnaround, and to the Bears and Leapers for making this such an exciting race.�
Weaselicious Cookies 96 Syracuse 44�s 82 All 44�s Owner John Stoer had to do was look at the minimal effort the Losers were putting together to know what his chances of getting his grubby hands on the Modano Mi Hermano championship were. While the Einar seemed happy enough with a winning record for the second straight season, his direct opposite � Owner Dan Weitz � kept fighting until the bitter end. The Cookies finished their second straight season on an upswing with three wins out of their last give games and 90+ scoring in four of the last five. Weitz even commented with scorn that the crapper goes to �The einar for putting up NO fight for the Cubists.� The Cookies offense was led by � guess who? � Marshall Faulk, who ended the season on a tear, with 21 points. It was his 8th all pro game. It was a good thing that Faulk was running so well because starting QB Brian Griese had some troubles. Griese did throw for a TD but his turnovers wiped out all of his points and he ended with 0. Surprisingly, Weitz did not give the gameball to Faulk, although it was his first instinct. Instead, the gameball went to RB Emmitt Smith who scored 11 points on a TD and for �11th straight 1000 yards season.� Inspirational pick up Jamel White scored a TD and 9 points and thrilled the fans when he turned himself into the nerdy Erkel. Weitz could also be pleased with his kicking game and defense. He wouldn�t want to punch Mike Vanderjagt (17 points) or Charlie Clemons (22 points), but Weitz said, �Let me see who could it be, my first instincts say the einar for many reasons but I think it will be Brent Farve for his moronic fake throws after handing off the ball, for laying down for Strahan to get the sack, damn their are sooo many reasons.� The Cookies were the high team for the week for the first time and managed to sweep the 44�s, a fact that was especially noticed by Stoer. Stoer had to look down the Weitz family line to find someone to give credit for the victory. The fact that he had been outfoxed by a 6-year-old again caused Stoer some pain as well as he said he would like to punch the mercurial Amber Weitz as long as there were no repercussions (like an entire, angry Weitz clan). When he maintained his calm long enough to talk, Stoer said, �I've got to give props to little Amber. She fired up her boys to beat me twice. We said all week that we needed to take care of our business and we couldn't even do that. Congrats to the Cubists. Worthy Champions.� While the season had so many positives to take out of it, the final game had a few as well. The game ball went to WR Marvin Harrison who finished his happiest season with a 20 point explosion. Stoer also resisted the temptation to go with Donovan McNabb (for karma purposes � he didn�t play) or Mike Vick (who played poorly) and went with Trent Green who scored 12 points. RB Tiki Barber also plagued his former team with 13 points, but that was about it. LB Zach Thomas sat out when his team needed him most and probably will not be back with the 44�s. Commenting on the win and his team�s most successful season, Weitz said, �We ended the year strong so we have something to build on next year but we havent forgotten that loss to the Envy that cost us our winning season. I'm guaranteeing a Cookie Championship next year for all the loyal fans of Ripon who have watched this team play from crappiness to not so crappy, next year is our year!!!�
Bull City Bears 73 County Coroners 58 A heavyhearted Owner Randy Chambers took his troops into battle against the silver and black Coroners. Chambers, who so desperately wanted to win the Modano Mi Hermano championship, took his cue to one his many admirers � Redskins Coach Marty Schottenheimer. Now, I know what many of you are saying � Schottenheimer only left retirement to take Danny Snyder�s megabucks and for all that money only turned in an 8-8 season, but how many coaches could do that with Tony Banks as their QB. Not many that Chambers knows, so he decided to award the gameball to the man who hires all of his relatives as coaches with the words engraved on it �don't ever give up!� Sadly, Schottenheimer�s efforts will probably get him a pink slip as the Redskins look to Steve Spurrier to add an entire new level of obnoxiousness to the Redskins� lore. Although stud running back Jerome Bettis did not play, the line up was covered with nice looking TD�s. QB Mark Brunell threw two meaningless TD�s against the Bears and scored 9 points because he was intercepted three times, including a miraculous catch and run by the elephantine Keith Traylor. Do you think he is related to Robert Traylor � now of the Hornets? They do share a similar build. One of Brunell�s TD�s went to Jimmy Smith who scored 10. Antowain Smith and Desmond Clark also scored TD�s and combined for 15 points. RB Shaun Alexander who has become the lightning rod of controversy because of his benching by Mike �Walrus� Holmgren scored 16 points. Chambers said, �I�d like to knock out Mike Holmgren. Why draft a stud running back & watch him become an elite runner when you're just gonna bench him in favor of a creaky, fumble-prone locker-room killer like Fumblin' Watters?!� Nevertheless, Chambers said, �In spite of the Walrus, Shaun Alexander earned my final keeper by putting up 16 on the final day. He earned it.� It seems that ironic that Chambers should hate Holmgren even more than, say, Jimmy Johnson or even Troy Aikman, but we think he is right to hate Holmgren more. The guy is a boob. Nevertheless, Chambers said, �In spite of the Walrus, Shaun Alexander earned my final keeper by putting up 16 on the final day. He earned it.� Therefore, the bad blood will most likely continue as Holmgren will probably sign Edgar Bennett or Terdell Middleton to give a veteran presence, then give him most of the carries. Jason Hanson also received scorn from Chambers for only scoring 5 points and missing a PAT. To make matters worse, K Ryan Longshanks who single-handedly destroyed the Bears chance at a championship, scored 10 meaningless points from the bench. The Coroners, who dropped their 7th straight decision, gave homage to the Raiders who lost their bye in the final week of the season by losing on their home turf to the Jets. QB Rich Gannon led the Coroners with 13 points but threw his only TD to TE Roland Williams who was sitting happily on the Devils bench. He was about the only Raider not in the Coroner line up. Brad Daluiso, subbing for Sea-bass, scored 10 points. QB Jeff Garcia was wasted once again as his 29 points went for naught.
Inbred Brentful Brents 75 Peaks Island Wookies 44 The two teams with the worst luck matched up in what was sure to be a high-scoring game. The teams ranked nine and ten for points allowed this season but were unable to parlay those points against averages into big points for themselves. Owner Steve Johnson, whose team boasts more putrid yellow and green than any other, had his disgusting inbreds to thank for the win. QB Brent Farf, RB Green A-hole and WR Bull Scroter combined for 50 points against a New York Giants defense that was clearly not interested in playing. Farf had to clumsily trip over his own feet on purpose to give Wookie DL Mike Strahan the sack record. While Johnson is true yellow Packer Backer and gave the gameball to the �Pack,� he was seething over Farf�s actions of giving three points to the Wookies and has suspended the hill billy moron for the next 6 months. Farf had no comment on the suspension but that may be due to the fact that suspension has two more syllables than any of the words Farf knows. The Brents accrued the most all pro performance from their keepers with 13 15+ performances. The rest of the Brent team was as ugly as its namesake. Both flexes only had 10 points and TE Byron Chamberlain could only add one point on Monday night. Yet, it wasn�t enough to stop the Brents first winning season and, thereby, most successful season. The Wookies should have had enough reason to play � they could have earned a sweep against the Brents and a win would not hurt their draft status. Owner Will Mitchell will have many options with that first pick, but as he has not named his keepers yet, it will be interesting what kind of strategy he takes. Mitchell did receive some surprised in the final week of the season. TE Jermaine Wiggins found the end zone and scored 8 points. The other TD came from WR Johnny Morton who has persevered through rough actual and fantasy seasons. Morton scored 11. Mitchell gave the gameball to the playoff-bound �Patriots Defense & Special Teams.� However, the play of some of his squad made Mitchell mad enough to want to punch the president, George Bush Jr.. When asked why, Mitchell responded, �you have to ask why?� Mitchell took special umbrage with Terri Glenn who again refused to play because he had an owie. K John Carney also did not score. QB Jake Plummer only had 2 points and Ricky Williams tied a record for poor play from the RB slot with -3. Williams loss of points caused the Wookies keepers to be the worst ranked in the league � falling just below the Devils. It was the seventh time the Wookies had been blown out and the third time the team had scored below 50. Throughout the season, the Wookies recorded record lows at many positions: RB (-3), TE (-1), OF (1), K (0) and DF (3). Yes, it has been a long season for the Wookies. Yet, Mitchell was able to keep a positive attitude about the whole thing as he said, �Pats win 2nd SEED!!!! Wookies walk home in shame but have obviously already turned their attention to the playoffs ahead.� Johnson was even more happy as he simply sang at his press conference �Winning seeeeeason, winning seeeeason...� He then told his players, �Hit the showers guys, everyones a winner. Now its off to my office to cut all but three.�
P-Miss Envy 90 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 69 While this game had absolutely no ramifications to anything besides drafting order, it was nice to see that the owner who actually showed up won the game. While Owner Perry Missner�s P-Miss Envy�s line up remained nearly unchanged from Week 17, he showed enough interest in his team to replace his tight end Jay Riemersma with Zeron Flemister. It quickly became clear why the letters z-e-r-o are clearly featured in the tight end�s name as he did not score. While Mr. Zero was a forgotten man, QB Steve �Pear� McNair � who may have been playing his last game in an Envy uniform after four years of continual service � went out with a bang. McNair only played a half due to a balky back, but he was able to run for one TD and throw another TD to Envy WR Derrick Mason. This may have been the type of play that Missner envisioned when he first drafted the QB four years ago. McNair ended the season on a hot streak with 5 all pro games in his final 6. McNair said, �This may be the end of an era, but we have had some good times and bad � here in P-Miss.� McNair keeper slot was given to nice guy Ray Lewis. Mason also ended the season on a hot streak as he had his best game of the year. Mason added a later TD thrown by a non-McNair QB and had 24 points for his first all pro game. Not to be forgotten was the A-Train, Anthony Thomas. The excellent rookie notched his 4th all pro game with 16 points by handling a huge number of carries against a Jacksonville D that could only hope to contain him. Thomas, Lewis and #1 LB Brian Urlacher will form the nucleus of the Envy next year. The other two Envy keepers played about their average with the NFL�s answer to Sam Cassell, Torry Holt having 7 points on yards and Eddie George going back to his previous 2001 state with 1 point. The league�s best and most expensive defense only scored 9 points � a season low � but were once again led by Urlacher. Matt Stover helped ice the decision with 13 points on Monday night. The decision was still in doubt after Sunday because the Devil D did what the Envy D usually does. The trio of Marcus Patton, Ray Buchanan and Marvin Jones combined for 31 points. That, combined with Peyton Manning�s 8th all pro game of 15, kept the Devils close. They may have won if Owner Rob Ouaou cared at all, but Freddie Jones and James Thrash were left in the line up, though neither one played. Even David Boston gave an apathetic performance of 3. The Devils, who are the other team not to name their keepers (beside the Wookies), needed a big performance by WR Qadry Ismail on Monday night to notch their 7th victory. Sadly, the Missile was no match for the P-Miss D and came with a solitary point. The Devils keepers, when they were in the line up, had the league�s lowest average score of 7.86. On the win, Missner commented, �It was nice to get the sweep of the headless Devils and get up to the Coroner-esque record of 8-9. We had our share of injuries this season, including the especially dehabilitating one to Jamal Anderson, but I know that we will do better in 2002.� Rumors had Missner hiring Mack Newton as the off season strength and conditioning coach.
Year End Voting Instructions � The polls are now open. Due to too many ties last year in the different categories, we have adopted the Jamo method of voting. The scoring for the Sweeney, Pussier, Sneaky Pete and Weinrich voting will be on a 5-3-1 basis. The scoring for the La-la-la-lafontaine voting will be 10-5-3-2-1. Hopefully, there will be fewer ties and those who deserve the awards will win them. Please comment as much as you would like on each awards and your voice shall be heard. One note on the Modano Mi Hermano award � please don�t vote for Envy Owner Perry Missner due to his invaluable contributions to the media. If the award is to be his, he wants to win it for being the best owner/coach. There is also a space to announce your keepers and your thoughts for 2002. The members of the media would like to take a moment for a special thank you to the owners who obliged us and gave us access to the locker rooms after the games. We know it is an imposition to have a microphone thrust in your face after a tough win or loss and we appreciate your candid thoughts.