Syracuse 44’s 87 Bull City Bears 68 There are many times when the members of the media have no idea what they are talking about. Let’s take one for instances – The orangish-brown Joe Theisman recently wrote that David Terrell should be nominated for Rookie of the Year. Has Joe seen this punk play? He rarely gets open and when he does he rarely catches the ball. Joe also nominated Marc Angelo as Executive of the Year, despite the fact that the only thing he did was to cut Cade McNown – well… On the other hand (and you knew that was coming, didn’t you?) there are the times when the media calls out a prediction and it just happens to come true. A month or so ago, this media outlet predicted that K Ryan Longshanks would lose the Midano Mi Hermano title for the Bull City Bears. While some people may point to the crushing injuries of QB Daunte Culpepper and Jerome Bettis as helped the Bears lose their bite, it can be no coincidence that their downfall happened with the appearance of Longshanks. A team needs a kicker to inspire confidence, to kick the ball deep and accurately, to lead the team. Longshanks can do none of these things and he has proved it in the last three games – all Bear losses. ‘Shanks did manage to score 6 points on Sunday in the snow, but he should have scored more – he should have led more – he should have won more. Owner Randy Chambers, who scoffed at the media when told he was making a big mistake, could merely shake his head in agony. QB Mark Brunell was the only Bear who performed well with 17 points on two TD’s. Brunell echoed many of Chambers’ recent thoughts when he said, “I could have scored twice as much this season if I didn’t have all of those idiotic morality lessons from the Walrus echoing in my head.” Despite Brunell’s brown-nosing, he did not get a game ball. In fact, Chambers refused to give out any game balls. He spread scorn across his entire team, although WR Randy Moss could have received a lion’s share. Moss, who according to 44’s Owner John Stoer “looked like he didn’t feel like playing,” scored 0 points for the Bears when they needed him most. He was supposed to be a super star, instead he is just a punk. To look at a true superstar is to look across the field at QB Donovan McNabb. McNabb played like he did in the early part of 2001 and took the 44’s on his shoulders. The star QB scored three TD’s and 24 points for his 9th all pro performance. But more than that, he lead his team – he encouraged the others like Kevin Johnson who scored a TD and 10 points and Tiki Barber who had 9 points including a 2-point conversion. K Jason Elam continued his fine kicking ways with 12 points (twice ‘Shanks) and Zach Thomas led the defense with 14. The one 44 who was clearly deficient, as he has been all season was, Wesley "Don't let the door hit ya on the way out" Walls. He scored 0 again and became the 4th keeper to get cut. Walls was an interesting keeper pick but his well-documented run as a locker room cancer did not help the 44’s this year. The early season big trade between the teams netted the Bears 10 points from Curtis Martin and the 44’s 6 points from Marvin Harrison. The 44’s have now allowed the least points at 75.19 per game. On the loss, Chambers, who picked the Rams to win the Super Bowl and has a New Year’s resolution of “staying employed” said, “We just plain done run outta gas. Injuries, bad December performances, that idiot Holmgren, and the relentless attack of Jamo & Sto caught up with us.” He had no comment on ‘Shanks. Stoer, who has no New Year’s resolution and picks “whoever wins the NFC Central, either Bears or Packers over the Steelers,” said, “It was a good solid win over a diminished Bears club. No Bettis, no Culpepper, that's tough, and it's a testament to their depth that the Bears have been so good this year. But I have to say I loved shutting out Randy Moss.”
San Francisco Cubists 99 Inbred Brentful Brents 59 Owner Jason Moore and his San Francisco Cubists know what it is like to be champions. They know it takes hard work, “more exercise and less TV.” While Moore will certainly give year end kudos to the 44’s for their year of excellence, there is a feeling deep down in his gut that 2001 is once again a Cubist year. While a lesser team would have overlooked a team filled with halfwits and morons like the Brents, the Cubists took care of business in quick style by scoring numerous TD’s and allowing few in winning their 4th straight game. Moore, who agrees with Chambers about the Rams winning the Super Bowl, knew what tricks Brent QB Brent Farf would have up his sleeve, since Farf was a Cubists in 2000. Farf made many fancy fake handoffs and mind-numbingly stupid audibles, but the Cubists had an answer for all of them. Farf ended up with 5 points and was unable to inspire his troops to victory. He was unable to get Bull Scroter to do much (1 point) and even Green A-hole only scored 9 points despite having a TD. While the Brent front three should have shouldered the blame on this loss, Owner Steve Johnson pointed the finger (and I am not saying which one) at RB Lamar Smith – the second player chosen in the draft. Smith, who has been a year long disappointment to Johnson, scored 0 and was yelled at like a dog by his owner: “Smith! Out! No, quit your whimpering and get OUT!” Johnson, a consensus builder who wants “to get in better shape in 2002 as well as promote world peace,” believes that “StL will beat up on the Raiders” even without the help of Mark McGwire. The Brents have allowed the most points this season at 90.25 per game. The one player that did catch Johnson’s eye was TE Byron Chamberlain who he foisted off the Envy roster for a broken WR. Chamberlain, who scored 14 points on a TD, was given the game ball. Not to be outdone by any tight end, Cubist TE Tony Gonzalez had his best game of the season with 2 TD’s and 18 points – equaling his 1999 and 2000 records. This was the first TE all pro performance of the season. The Cubists now have the top rated WR and TE slots as well as the top scoring average at 96.56 per game. While Gonzalez had two TD’s, there were many other Cubists who found the endzone. No one had heard of Stacy Mack and Dominic Rhodes before the season, but both replacement backs have sparkled in the Cubist system. Each had a TD and combined for 25 points. RB Stephen Davis, a late starter, scored a TD and 13 points. Only the Cubist Saints had bad games. The combined 5 points of Knight and Brooks severely hurt the Cubists effort to score 100+ points for the 8th time in 10 games. The one silver lining for the poor Saints performance was that the Brent WR Joe Horn also only scored 2 points. Johnson didn’t have much to say about the loss, but he did say “The Pack won an ugly game so I won’t complain about them not scoring any points. Go Jacksonville!” Ugh. Maybe you should complain, Steve. As for the winning side, Moore said, “Ronde Barber (11 points) set the tone, again. Aaron Brooks had trouble getting into a groove, but rushing for 400 yards took some of the pressure off. It was great to see Tony Gonzalez so involved in the offense.”
P-Miss Envy 124 Weaselicious Cookies 102 While the Cookies-Envy match ups generally don’t have much to do in the champion context, the two teams always seem to put a delightful show for their fans. In Week 8, it was the now infamous Eddie George fumble that cost the Envy the game and George his keeper checkmark. George apparently has a long memory and he wanted to put that fumble behind him and charge through the Cookies. Eddie may have had a disappointing season, but he showed that he still may have something left with 18 points on two TD’s. With George hitting his lanes, the passing game opened up for QB Steve McNair. McNair had his 4th all pro day in 5 weeks with 23 points on another two TD’s – one of which went to WR Derrick Mason who had 11 points. McNair also had plenty of opportunity to torch the worst rated defense in the league because WR Torry Holt was seemingly wide open all day long. Holt had over 200 yards of receiving and 2 TD’s for 25 points. McNair, Holt and George – all Envy keepers – had the best week for a team’s keepers this season – 66 points. The pride of Owner Perry Missner though is his top ranked defense. It looks like Missner is going to keep both Brian Urlacher and Ray Lewis – the top two ranked LB’s in the game. Urlacher and Lewis were eclipsed by LB Jeremiah Trotter in Week 17 as Trotter had his third all pro game with 15 points. WR Curtis Conway ended his finest season from the bench with 16 points. The 124 Envy points represents a new high and the 4th time this season that the Envy have hurdled 100. Owner Dan Weitz’s Cookies also scored over the century mark – for the first time this season, but Weitz was more unhappy that his team lost its chance at a winning record with the loss. Weitz sneered to reporters, “Missner cost me my first winning season and I'm not going to forget that. Sleep well tonight if you can Missner.” Oh, I will. While Weitz didn’t point at any of his players specifically after the loss, he didn’t care for the performance of “Browns defense giving up to many points to the titans.” That Browns defense includes the Cookies’ LB Jamir Miller who scored just 6 points. The one faultless Cookies is the eversteady RB Marshall Faulk. Faulk came within a point of setting the 2001 record for RB as he scored 4 TD’s and 34 points. Needless to say, Weitz didn’t have much thinking to do when it came to awarding the game ball, but he tried to psych out the media by saying, “Hmmmmm … let me see [scratching his head] … can you say Faulk?” Knowing the greatness of Faulk would make most conclude that Weitz is picking the Rams for the Super Bowl, but he tried some psychological shenanigans when he said, “If hell was freezing over then it would be the Peckers but since its not it will be the Rams.” And if the reporters weren’t confused enough by Weitz, he said his New Year’s Resolution was to “let the Einar win sometimes and we all know resolutions only last a short time in this case a couple of hours.” As for rumors of the KKK showing up, Weitz and Missner dismissed them at the end of the game by ending any bad blood that might be between them with a dancing of the Horah and a blowing of the Shofar.
Einar’s Luvable Losers 80 County Coroners 61 Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen has had his chances at championship glory. The Losers started out 2001 like gangbusters in defeating all comers, but have settled into a cycle of mediocrity. The Losers have featured a won-loss-won-loss pattern for the last 9 weeks as the same old line up just doesn’t produce dynamic results. This week, the Losers were up due to a fantastic performance from their QB and a middlin’ opponent. The Losers now have the top rated QB slot thanks to Kurt Warner who fired early and often to Torry Holt in amassing himself 26 points on 3 TD’s and his 8th all pro performance. Warner was given the game ball by the Einar in a rare media showing. No other Loser scored a TD. Another way to tell that the Losers were sure to win was that Einar finally picked the right kicker. David Akers outscored Olindo Mare 8-3. The Einar had become famous for his kicking slot gaffes. This week it was a tight end gaffe as benched Chad Lewis scored 16 while started Marcus Pollard scored 2. We can’t blame the Einar for that one though because Pollard is tied for the league lead in tight end points with Tony Gonzalez. WR Marty Booker led the flex with 7 points and Chris Claiborne, making his first Modano start, scored 6 points. Einar has become increasingly concerned with the play of RB LaDainian Tomlinson who “has slumped.” Einar, known for his early ravings about his pubic hair, then shocked the media with two statements. First, “My new’s year resolution is to finally have sex with my wife, we have been married for 6 months and I think its time the Einar gets a booty call.” We didn’t want to know. Then, “The Bears are going to win the Super Bowl. I know we [the Peckers] beat them twice but they really are the best team.” How about that? The Einar?!? Scoring points with the media! The Einar summed up his season and the Loser mentality by saying, “I won’t win the championship which is normal for me so there is always next year.” As for the Coroners, we will let an edited version of Owner Chad G. Nuss’s manifesto say all that needs to be said, “All raiders lineup this week to commemorate our AFC West Championship and our relaxing road to the super bowl. I mean relaxing because we've been sitting on our asses over the past 4 weeks. But mark my words. The SHOW will start against the J.E.S.T...JEST JEST JEST. Vinny's gonna get knocked around like a rag doll. He will not finish the game. Curtis can suck [male chicken]. and the JESTS can go back to new york and shovel sum [pristinely white] snow in the offseason. ... [chicken wing eaters] think they can beat us. The other thing is that I'm sick and tired of raiders are faltering...raiders are losing steam, raiders aren't looking playoff ready....welllllll [GO AWAY] to all the damn media who thought San Diego was going to take the AFC. that Denver was the team to beat .... [Ahmans] don't know [poopoo]. Just watch. mark my words. we'll beat the JESTS get a bye week, a game at home, then i'm getting on a [flying] plane to the steel city and shoving a steel pipe up Kordell's [anal cavity], that little [fudge packer].” It goes without saying that Nuss is a bit frustrated by the Coroners 6 game losing streak, which happens to be the second longest of the season (the Wookies 7 game losing streak to start the season is not to be forgotten.)
Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 86 Peaks Island Wookies 79 Owner Will Mitchell and his woeful Wookies took another step into the depths of history by being swept by the losingest team in Modano history. Mitchell, or he likes to be known “Patriot Fan,” has had a rough year that has included much indignation but he was sure his troops would be fired up in Week 17 and get a win against a team without a rudder. Yes, he was without his beloved Patriots but he had a one up on opposing Owner Rob Ouaou. The last known sighting of Ouaou was on the Fox special “Who wants to eat an Ouaou?” as the legendary bigfoot polished off the young Dr. Ouaou. Perhaps Mitchell could learn a thing or two from Ouaou’s laissez-faire leadership because if Mitchell would have left perennial disappoint Mike Alstott in the line up, he would have won. Alstott scored 11 while his replacement Richard Huntley scored 1. The only other active Wookie bench player was QB Tim Couch who scored 26. But perhaps we are being too negative. Wookie QB Jake Plummer did play fairly well with 17 points for his second all pro performance. WR Rod Smith kept his top three WR ranking with a nice 9 point day as well, but Mitchell gave the crapper to his entire offense anyway. Ricky Williams and Shannon Sharpe did combine for just 3 points. The Wookie defense all received game balls for the examplary play. DL Michael Strahan had his third all pro game with 15 points on 3.5 sacks. Lawyer Milloy replacement Jason Gildon came from the waiver wire to score 16 points in his first action of the season. All told, the Wookie defensive flex scored 38 points – a team high. Meanwhile, QB Peyton Manning was more than happy to call his own plays. This season Manning had to put up with the over-bearing Jim Mora and Brent buddy Steve Johnson, so not having some one to tell him what to do is all right with him. Manning said, “I like to be free to express myself and coach let’s me do what I want.” When Manning was asked his coach’s name, he merely shrugged. Manning scored 9 points on a TD but was excellent in distributing the ball. Fellow former-Brents Priest Holmes and James Thrash also had outstanding days with Thrash having his third all pro game with 16 points and Holmes scoring 13. All of the Devils were overshadowed by David Boston and those arms Mitchell likes so much. Boston pushed around the tiny Wookie DB’s and scored 20 points on two TD’s. For all of his acclaim, it was only Boston’s second all pro games. He has had a lot of 14’s and 13’s. Another first round bust has been Michael Anderson who scored 0. The Devil D scored 22 points, but benched LB Derrick Brooks – once a keeper – scored 19 on his own. Jay Feely had his worst game of the year with just 2 points. In his post game press conference, Mitchell went over a number of topics, but never strayed far from the New England Patriots. He predicted a Patriot win in the Super Bowl against the Bears, but he didn’t want a repeat of the 46-10 1995 squash. Don’t worry, Will, these Bears are lucky to score 46 points in three games. Mitchell, whose resolution is “to win more football games next year,” Said, “Cheers to the NFL for setting us [the Patriots] up with a bye so late...didn't think the pats had it in them to make the playoffs...”
Week 18 previews – It all comes down to this and it is so simple even a Packer fan could figure it out. Well, maybe half of the Packer fans. Wait, I am giving them too much credit. These are the fans, shall we not forget, who made all sorts of noise a couple of years ago that Brent Farf should be benched in favor of Matt Hassleback. No Mensa entrants around here. Anyway, it is so simple – if the Cubists win against the Losers, then they are the champions. If the Cubists lose and the 44’s beat the Cookies, then Syracuse is the champion. If both teams lose, the Cubists are the champion due to their Week 9 83-67 win over the 44’s. Is that clear enough, cheese heads? I didn’t think so, but I will go on anyway. Few have forgotten the Losers 130-110 win over the Cubists in the highest scoring game in Modano history. Certainly, Owner Jason Moore hasn’t: “The Leapers were incredible against us in week 10. Marty Booker and Marcus Pollard absolutely killed us... and we've still got to worry about Warner and Bruce. We need everybody to show up for this one. Kudos to coach Stoer and his team too bad the schedule prohibits us from settling this head to head.” That sounded a bit like a sideways jab at the BCS. Well, it would be nice to get a playoff going so that the top teams could battle it out at the end – perhaps in 2002 - if we are nice. The Losers, who actually lead the series history 2-1, will be without RB LaDainian Tomlinson who is on the bye (though still in the line up). Options for Steve “the Einar” Olsen include Terrell Davis and Fred Taylor – two heads of the famed 1998 three-headed monster. Einar commented on the game by saying, “San Francisco is no Green Bay!!!!” And he is exactly right if he means that people in San Francisco actually know how to use deodorant. It’s not for eating, cheeseheads. The Cubists will go with a OF package of Stephen Davis, Corey Dillon and Troy Brown while the rest stays the same. Owner John Stoer’s 44’s have their work cut out for them in facing the Weaselicious Cookies. The Cookies won in Week 11 by a one point margin, 61-60. The 44’s may be hampered by QB Donovan McNabb playing in a meaningless game and Stoer will try to work in young’uns TE Eric Johnson and WR Plaxico Burress as well (although Burress is also playing in a meaningless game). Stoer, who leads the series against Weitz 4-3, said, “We'll do our best to take care of our own business, and then hope that Einar can do the impossible and slay the mighty champion.” Stoer also made the curious move of picking up QB Michael Vick – perhaps to give the Cookies something to think about in practice. The Cookies introduce the league to Jamel White, but otherwise it is the same line up that scored 102 points in Week 17. Weitz teased the media by saying, “I don’t want them damn Cubists to win again so I'm picking up every Pecker I can to guarantee a 44 victory.” It seems highly unlikely that the Cookies would do such a thing, but there is no doubt that Stoer would send Weitz a sundae if he did. The Bull City Bears will have a nice chance to break their three game losing streak against the all-Raider County Coroners. Owner Chad Nuss will introduce the league to such luminaries as Eric Allen and Anthony Dorsett while employing three Raider running backs: Garner, Wheatley and Crockett. I’ll give Nuss a dollar if they all score TD’s. The Bears, who lead the series 5-2, will go with lots of running backs – Curtis Martin, Antowain Smith, Jerome Bettis and Shaun Alexander. Dazzling! And in a move that the media has been calling for weeks, K Jason Hanson will be the starter. Smart move! A despondent Chambers said, “Yes. It's meaningless.” The Brents hope to avoid the Wookie sweep as they take disappointing QB Brent Farf to Peaks Island. The Wookies won 87-79 in Week 11 and lead the series, 3-1. Farf will have a new target to throw over and around – Kevin Dyson. Owner Will Mitchell who has yet to fill his line up with Patriots said, “Maybe just maybe I'll end with a win.” A Wookie win would deny the Brents their first winning season ever. Finally, we end with the Envy and Devils. No speaks more through the media than Owner Perry Missner and no one speaks less than Owner Rob Ouaou. The Envy put on an offensive display in Week 11 with 122 points with 47 coming from the defense. TE Zeron Flemister, who could easily be in Harry Potter with that name, gets the start for the Envy. The Devil line up (surprise, surprise) is the same with Freddie Jones on the bye. Perhaps the Devils can even their record at 2-2 with players on the bye. That is the saddest stat yet.
----------------------------Love, Peace and Monkeys Press---------------------------------------------------