San Francisco Cubists 123 Bull City Bears 107 For the second year in a row, the Bull City Bears had a chance to put the Cubists in their place and finally lay claim to a Modano championship, only to have the Cubists blast their way for a crucial late season win. As the Bears most important game of the season became increasingly close, Owner Randy Chambers had problems sleeping. He would wake up with a start, mumble something about those �damn Cubists� then fall fitfully back into his slumbers. This lack of sleep caused the Bears to have less than focused practices before their Week 16 match up. Perhaps it was his sleepy condition that caused Chambers to leave TE Desmond Clark in the line up, although Clark was on the bye. More likely, however, the reason was that Chambers wanted to gain some points with national media by leaving TE Booger Frankfurter on the bench. Lord knows that Chambers has been feeling the heavy hand of the press with his constant playing of K Ryan Longshanks. The week started out well for the Bears as RB Antowain Smith scored a TD and 16 points for his third all pro performance on Saturday. Smith more than offset the Cubists Saturday players � Terrell Owens and Troy Brown who combined for 13. On Sunday, things did not go Chambers� way as almost every Cubist found the endzone. Only Tony Gonzalez was in the crapper for one point, which tied his season low. Owner Jason Moore gave game balls to RB Stacy Mack who scored 19 on two TD�s and DB Ronde Barber who had a season high 24. Moore should have probably also given a gameball to QB Aaron Brooks who not only scored 15 points on 3 TD�s but threw three interceptions to Barber, one of which resulted in a Barber TD. How�s that for team player. It was Brooks 9th all pro performance � the most in the league. Barber led the defense to its best day of the season with a combined 46 points with Anthony Simmons and Sammy Knight � just two off the record. Moore, having recently read �Hammer of the Gods,� claimed he would like to be �any member of Led Zeppelin circa 1970 � craziness.� We can see him as Jimmy Page, but Robert Plant would be a stretch. Not to be forgotten were Warrick Dunn and starting RB Dominic Rhodes who each had a TD and combined for 20 points. The Bears did not fall on their faces completely. RB Shaun Alexander, once again the starter for the walrus, showed why he should not be benched with 20 points on two TD�s. Alexander received the game ball and reminded Owner Randy of a certain John Riggins who Chambers would like to be because �Who else could get away with having dinner with Sandy O'Connor and then show-up in full uniform the day his jersey is retired? Viva the Diesel!� Mark Brunell had 13 points and Curtis Martin had 11 points without aid of a TD. The Bear D also helped the team break the century mark for the 5th time this season with 31 points. �Shanks managed to contribute 6 points but he also missed a PAT. The 100+ loss was the second of the Bears season and the third in franchise history (a 109-104 loss to the Cubists in 2000 being the first). Moore, puzzled by the lack of tight end on the opposition for the second week in a row said, �We knew the Bears would be ready for this game, and they were (with the exception of that TE thing). The defense has really stepped it up the last few weeks, and I give a lot of credit to the wise leadership of Ronald McKinnon from the bench. Aaron Brooks gets kudos not only for throwing three late TDs, but for throwing three of his four picks to Barber.� Chambers sobbing uncontrollably said, �Bubba Franks let me down again. I put him in the line-up, but he refused to play! My hat's off to Antowain, Shaun & Co. They fought hard, but just did not have enough to overcome Jamo, Holmgren and Bubba.�
Syracuse 44�s 90 Einar�s Luvable Losers 60 Some people may remember that Owner John Stoer tabbed the Einar�s team as a favorite to win the Modano championship. This is a bit of irony since no team has damaged the Losers� hopes more than the 44�s. For the second time this season, the 44�s defeated the Losers handily. The 44�s started slowly. QB Donovan McNabb and RB Duce Staley were held out of the endzone by the 49ers in a really great goal line stand. The two combined for 14 and Garrison Hearst added 4 on Saturday. Meanwhile, the Einar received 8 points from DB Troy Vincent. Things were looking good for the Einar who had all of his big guns playing on Sunday. Of the big guns, only QB Kurt Warner and TE Marcus Pollard scored TD�s. Warner had two but completely ignored Loser WR Isaac Bruce who scored 0 points. Pollard made greater strides toward being the #1 TE of the year with 10 points, but he still does not have an all pro performance. In fact, no tight ends have scored 15 points or more this season. RB LaDainian Tomlinson had 9 points on yards, but that was two more than the entire Loser OF which only scored 7 points. Perhaps even more crucial to the loss was LB Kevin Mitchell who refused to play against the 44�s Mitchell, a current Redskin and Syracuse alum, had been forced to play against the Orange once before this season and he did not care for it at all. As McNabb received the snap each play, Mitchell would immediately lie down. Official reports had him claiming some injury or another, but it was clear that Mitchell was a 44 through and through. WR Marvin Harrison led the 44 offense with 14 points, but the team received surprising performances from two Week 16 pick ups. Stoer gave game balls to TE Dave Moore and K John Hall for not only playing well, but making him look like a genius for picking them up. Moore scored a TD out of nowhere and had 9 points. Hall broke the season record for kicker points (set by Sebastian Janakowski all the way back in Week 1 with 17) with 19 points on 5 field goals and a couple of PAT�s. Stoer, who would like to be �Either a) any living member of the Grateful Dead just to have the experience or b) Peter Angelos, whom I admit would fall under a very loose definition of 'celebrity', so I could sell the Orioles to anyone because anyone would do a better job. [although this is just a case of Stoer being modest as his two year run as a fantasy baseball champion more than qualifies him to get the O�s back to respectability].� Stoer commented on the win in this way: �Our GM has taken a lot of [poopy] over some of his questionable personnel moves in the past, but he won us this game. John Hall and Dave Moore really sparked the club. And for the third straight week, we came up huge during the final game of the day, stopping Peyton Manning three weeks ago, Torry Holt two weeks ago, and getting monster performances from Marvin, Hall, and John Abraham [14 points] last night.� While the 44�s are in a tie with the Cubists for the championship, they are going to need some help to win the trophy because they dropped their Week 8 and only match up against the two-time champion, 83-67. That help will have to come from either the Brents or the Losers � two teams with a fair bit of talent but too many Packers to help anybody with anything.
Inbred Brentful Brents 88 P-Miss Envy 85 Revenge can be so sweet. When a then 1-4 Envy team routed a 4-1 Brent team in Week 7, it was the beginning of the end for Owner Steve Johnson�s hope for greater glory. It looked as if inbred moron QB Brent Farf could not lead his team to anything except to the top of crap mountain. Johnson, Farf and the rest of the morons had a score to settle and they just eeked out their 8th win of the season. Farf had the fortune of playing a listless Browns� D in snowy conditions in Green Bay. The Cleveland defenders seemingly could not tell the difference between the Packer players and yellow slow, which you are never supposed to touch. Therefore, Packers were wide open all day long and it was Farf�s own ineptitude that kept him to just 19 points. Happily, he forgot about Bull Scroter for a week and Green A-hole was not able to get into the endzone although he did score 11 points. Johnson, is his own brand of ineptitude, gave Farf the game ball. The one thing that Johnson has no delusions about is who he is. Johnson stated merrily, �I�m the owner of a football team! why would I need to be someone else! The Brents got more TD�s from Michael Pittman who scored 10 points and WR Joe Horn who scored 2 meaningless TD�s for the Saints, but had 15 points for the Brents for his 2nd all pro game. Lamar Smith continued his lost season with 0 and TE Byron Chamberlain bit the hand that once fed him for 4. K Kris Brown did have 12 points but shanked a PAT and could have had many more points. The Brent D combined for 16 points. Of course, the Brent D was completely overshadowed by the grim menace that is the Envy D. Brian Urlacher and Ray Lewis both had all pro games (their 4th and 3rd, respectively) as they combined for 35 points. Urlacher had a TD on special teams and Lewis had two interceptions. Jeremiah Trotter added 6 points. It was the third time this season that the Envy DF scored over 40 points. Unfortunately, Johnson, in his post game comments, said a few things that were true. �Ur-Lucker, all you can do isn�t enough. Its a good thing you drafted those LBs Pip, since the rest of your team is no where to be seen.� Well, that is almost true. K Matt Stover had a decent game with 10 and late replacement WR Curtis Conway had a TD and 9 points. WR Chris Chambers had another good game with 8 points. QB Steve McNair was unable to keep his all pro streak going (it was up to 3) as he only had 6 points. The real surprise came from WR Joey Galloway, once known as the anti-Farf. One fumble recovery would have kept his nickname intact, but instead he had 1 point and will henceforth be known as the worst keeper of the 30 players kept from last year. The Envy are now 1-4 in games decided by less than 10 points and this was their second close loss in a row. They seem to have done a u-turn from last year when they were in the top echelon despite being a rather low scoring team. This year, the Envy have scored the 4th most points but are going to have their first losing season since 1998. Owner Perry Missner said, �I would have loved to have swept those damn Brents, but it is clear that we have a lot of work to do in the offseason. I don�t even know who my third keeper is going to be.� That tag is currently on Ray Lewis who has done little to not deserve it.
Weaselicious Cookies 67 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 61 Owner Dan Weitz often likes to regale friends with stories of impossible comebacks and what it feels like to win just for pride�s sake. That is one thing the Cookies know plenty about, but in 2001 they look like they are headed somewhere � maybe even in the right direction. For the first time in the team�s history, there is a chance of a winning record. Yes, they would have to win out, but this year it seems that anything is possible with this team. For example, for the first time in team history, the Cookies have notched 7 wins. It is a far cry from the upper echelon of the league, but at least it is progress. The big win total had Weitz in an imaginative mood, with dreams of celebrity. Weitz said, �Why, if I could be a celebrity, I would be Jennifer Aniston. I would touch myself all day long. Oh BABY!!!!� We�re pretty sure that is what she does as well. At least the Cookies have a good place to start a winning franchise: RB Marshall Faulk. Faulk had another impressive game with 28 points on 2 TD�s. It was his 6th all pro game which leads all running backs. The 28 points also comprised 42% of all the Cookie points, which was the second largest percentage by one player (Priest Holmes scored 30 of the Devils 63 points for a 46%) Apart from Faulk, Weitz said that the rest of the team was in the crapper and he was mostly right. QB Todd �Don�t Call Me Tugwell� Bouman injured his thumb on the first series of his game and scored 0. Also scoring 0�s were Raghib Ismail and Clayton McClutcheon. Amani Toomer overcame the dropsies and Emmitt Smith overcame years of punishment to score 8 pointsd apiece. Super Joe Nedney also had a super 7 points on super Saturday. Chad Brown led the Cookie D with 5. From the bench, the Cookies received 14 points from Kerry Collins and 15 from backup TE David Sloan. Those are all pro numbers from Sloan, but they are meaningless from the bench. Weitz commented, �Faulk is the man!!! Good thing Rob got lost in the woods and didn�t change his players.� Yes, Owner Rob Ouaou seems to have lost interest again. Team representatives say he is nowhere to be found and the woods are as good a bet as any. If he were around, Ouaou could have taken pride in several of his player�s accomplishments. K Jay Feely had 17 points along with a 52 yard game winning field goal. QB Peyton Manning had a couple of TD�s and 13 points. TE Freddie Jones had 7 points on his first TD since Week 8. Of course, there was RB Michael Anderson who did even less than his usual with a 0 on the bye. The Devils are now 1-2 when playing players on the bye. That�s a bit worse than their record in general. The offensive flex tied its season low with 3 points. James Thrash only had 1 point and Ray Buchanan did not score. There were some rumblings from the Devil bench, but there is a fat chance that any of those players will get into the line up. Vinny Testaverde score 15 points and Martin Gramatica scored 16 before getting hurt. Too much celebrating of 30 yard field goals will do that to a person. The big question is whether Ouaou will be found before the end of the season.
Peaks Island Wookies 53 County Coroners 50 Ugly. Or as Dick Stockton would say, �this is going to be a Christmasy, holiday, hard-nosed, brutal game.� Which prompted Troy Aikman to say, �Yes, Dick, you are exactly right. You never know which way this game could go. It�s all a questions of momentum.� �And turnovers,� piped in Daryl Johnston. �Yes, Moose, and turnovers,� Aikman sneered, �turnovers and momentum will pretty much win any game for you, but if you don�t have the turnovers and momentum on your side, it is pretty likely that you will lose.� Aikman then continued, �Can you imagine that Fox pays me to tell everyone what they already know and do it in a monotone as well?� Aikman then continued, �Did I mention that if the Bears were to have an MVP right now it would be their punter, Brad Maynard. Their punter as an MVP?!?� Stockton regained control of the booth by saying, �All sarcasm aside, the Bears just know how to win.� Then Aikman interrupted him by saying, �Because they know the two secrets of winning football � turnovers and momentum.� As far as the Wookies and Coroners go, neither knew much about turnovers and momentum was on neither side. Both teams entered Week 16 with four game losing streaks. It was a nice thing that both owners were able to change their line ups before the game and there were no bye players or empty slots on either roster. Each team also went with their hearts as the Coroners had plenty of Raiders starting (6) and the Wookies had plenty of Patriots in the line up (4). Of the two teams, the Patriots had the better day. Not only did they win, but K Adam Vinatieri lit up the scoreboard for 9 points. The other Pats fared a bit worse � with naughts coming from Terry Glenn and Jermaine Wiggins while Lawyer Milloy chipped in 4. Of the Raiders, Rich Gannon led his team with 11 and the team�s only TD. It was third straight non-all pro performance. Charlie Garner was second on the team with 8 and was tied by DB Ryan McNeil. Rice and Brown combined for 6 which doubled LB William Thomas. Derrick Alexander found his way out of the doghouse as he scored 1 point, but he replaced Ike Hilliard who scored 13. Cam Cleeland did not score and got hurt again. I guess he�s done. The Wookies were led by DL Michael Strahan who scooped up a fumble recovery for a TD. He had 16 points. RB Mike Alstott actually had a TD while in the lineup and scored an inspirational 12 points. Don�t expect to see that again any time soon. Jake Plummer had a TD but those nasty turnovers lowered his score to 4 points. This was the lowest game of the season by a good 20 points. Neither owner commented officially, but Mitchell was thought to have said, �My team has scored 90 points three times and lost each of them. We have lost three ties. Now, we have a crappy week of 53 points and we win? I don�t think I like this game anymore.� Meanwhile, Owner Chad G. Nuss said, �The Raiders are in the playoffs and that is where they will prove how great they are. These regular season games mean nothing to Jonny G. and Big Al. We�ll be laughing our way all the way to the Super Bowl, then I will crow on the highest mountain.�
Week 17 previews � All eyes return to Owner Jason Moore. The Cubists 2001 season may not seem as impressive as the 2000 season when they won the championship running away, but the points are almost there. The Cubists are now averaging 96.4 points per game, while last year they averaged just under 100. To win their third championship in four years, the Cubists will have to beat two teams with winning records. The Brents at 8-7 are having their best season ever. They will be looking for a split and some revenge from the 126-89 beating they took in Week 8. Neither team has changed their line up yet, but the Cubists are the only team affected by the bye with WR Troy Brown out. Johnson did not care about the match up but just shouted, �Winning Season! Winning Season!� As always Moore was very politically correct when talking about the team the Cubists have beaten three out of four times, �The Bretts are a great team that has done a valiant job of battling injuries. With the Packers playing the Vikings, they should put up huge numbers which means we can't let down a bit. Meanwhile, we're happy to let the Bears and 44s beat up on each other a little bit.� While both the Owners John Stoer and Randy Chambers are rooting for the Brents, they will be bashing each other�s heads in. Chambers took round one of the battle this year, 93-61, and the Bears hold a 6-1 advantage in the series history. Chambers, who is going with a less than 100% Jerome Bettis, a well-rested Desmond Clark and poor kicker in Ryan Longshanks said, �We're not giving up yet. This team always rises to the occasion against the 44s! If Sturgeon Wynn can just throw the ball downfield, and the Bus can get back in the lineup, we've got a fighting chance.� The 44�s welcome back the league�s top kicker in Jason Elam and introduce everyone to Tony Brackens. Stoer said, �I don't know who is on the bye, but Randy better start someone from that club against me just to be fair. If he's going to do it against Jamo in the game of the year, he ought to do it against me as well. Although to be honest, this entire league is rigged anyway. I mean the Cubists really are the only team in this league who can get away with having their QB throw 4 int's- three of them to one of his own defenders one of which gets returned for a TD so that he actually makes points by throwing picks. Please.� The whole league is rigged? Please � yourself. The Losers still hold the keys to their own destiny, but they need the Bears to beat the Cubists, and they can not forget the Coroners. Neither team has changed their line up in this game nor did either owner comment about the other. The Losers won in Week 8, 73-54, and hold a 2-1 advantage. Nothing for nothing, but Owner Chad G. Nuss just loves to be the spoiler. As we continue down the standings ladder, we have the always contentious battle between the Cookies and Envy. The Cookies won the Week 8 matchup when RB Eddie George gave them three points. George won�t be in the line up this week, but Brian Urlacher will. The Cookies go with some new players in former Envy members Chris Weinke and Jose Cortez as well as new-comers Charlie Clemons and Chris Thatamouthful. Weitz commented, �Envy vs Cookies there is a lot of bad blood here, because of Missner's envy of my orchestra skills. This will be an old fashioned whoopin. I told my clan friends that there was no way I was going to lose to no JEW boy this week.� He then retracted his statement and said he had no friends in the clan and was actually Jewish himself. What gives? Finally, we have the curious case of the Wookies and Devils. Their 8 wins are the same number the 44�s and Losers had in Week 7 � in Week 7! What�s more interesting is that Owner Rob Ouaou might get a big taste of his own medicine, since the Peaks Island Wookies have 4 Patriots in their line up who are all on the bye. Coincidentally, none of the Devils are on the bye. The Devils won a 78-78 tie in Week 8 to take a 3-2 series lead. Both teams have gone 3-6 since then.
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