Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 71 Bull City Bears 64 Funny things happened on the way to the Bears’ 8th blow out win of the season – an injury here, an injury there and a kicker that just doesn’t seem to understand the team concept. Owner Randy Chambers figured that the un-manned Devils would be a piece of cake as most of his games have been lately. So nonchalant was Chambers that he let WR Randy Moss run practice. The problem was that Moss didn’t feel like practicing this week, so there was no practice. Chambers has also had to deal with the injuries to starting QB Daunte Culpepper and RB Jerome Bettis. Some thought Chambers was nutty for picking QB Mark Brunell so early in the August draft, but it was part of the December plan. Brunell did not have a stellar game with only three points, but the back up QB said that he needed all of his runners behind him. Chambers had decided to go with Hines Ward in honor of Commissioner Tugwell’s family relations with the Heinz Corp., but it didn’t work out. Ward scored 0 as did starting TE Desmond Clark. The focus of Chambers’ post game conference was the ineptitude of Seahawks Coach/GM Mike Holmgren and his decision to bench Shaun Alexander for Ricky Watters – never a Chambers favorite. Mr. Randy said, “The gad-awful walrus running the Seahawks is an abomination. What's the point of drafting a running back and then watching him blossom into an All-pro, if you're going to sit him down for a creaky, oft-injured, selfish, fumble-prone braggart like Running Mouth Watters? This kind of dissension is killing us in the Bull City! Folks criticize Randy Moss, when all he does is put up All-Pro numbers week after week. They should aim their venom at Holmgren and his stinky QBs and personnel decisions. The man cannot in without Farf or with Watters.” Well said. The Walrus hasn’t done that much winning lately in general and it is so nice to see. Alexander did score a late TD, but it was lost from the bench. Chambers was clearly not in his right mind when he said the way to fix MNF was to replace Dennis Miller with Troy Aikman (not to mention Chambers would rather listen to Aikman than be punched in the groin). Aikman puts me to sleep on Sunday afternoon, just think about Monday night. To better understand the state of mind of Chambers, one has only to look at his own abomination of a game ball choice: K Ryan Longshanks. ‘Shanks did score 10 points, but it was a far cry from the 12 points of back up K Jason Hanson. Some believe it was ‘Shanks idea to bench Michael Barrow for Champ Bailey. The 12 point disparity between the two cost the Bears the win, the 1st place lead and perhaps the championship. It is anyone’s guess why this awful kicker has wormed his way to so much control of the once proud Bears franchise, and his involvement couldn’t come at a worse time – in the middle of the championship chase. The bright spot for the Bears was WR Randy Moss who had his 3rd straight all pro performance with 21 points. The Devils managed a split with the Bears because of the outstanding play of Peyton Manning. Manning scored 3 TD’s and 26 points to set a Devils QB high. Despite the win, Owner Rob Ouaou seems to have been lost in the off-ramp wilderness of Maryland.
San Francisco Cubists 134 Peaks Island Wookies 57 Unlike the Bears, Owner Jason Moore’s San Francisco Cubists prepared earnestly for the Week 15 tilt with the last place Peaks Island Wookies. According to insiders, the team had a great week of practice and may be peaking just in time to win their 3rd Modano championship. Moore was wary of a late line up change due to the Wookies’ open tight end slot, but at half time Owner Will Mitchell cleared up the missing TE slot. “I have decided, as a tribute to Ben Coates, to leave the tight end slot unmanned for the rest of the season. Let’s face it – Coates and this loud mouth bum Shannon Sharpe are not in the same league. My team was great with Coates and it stinks with Sharpe.” All of the points are true, but it seems a shame to throw in the towel, especially when the first pick of the 2002 draft is already in the Wookies hands. The Wookies didn’t have to worry about trying to be close in this game like they were in the Week 6 95-93 loss. The Cubists scored early and often. Corey Dillon and Dominic Rhodes each had their third all pro performance with 19 and 23 points, respectively. Rhodes helped the Cubist OF to a season high 46 points. RB Ricky Watters had his first live action for the Wookies and scored 14 points before getting hurt and lost for the rest of the season. Moore gave the game ball to Watters in any case and couldn’t find a single player to take issue with. WR Terrell Owens did score just 2 points, a season low, but he is battling a myriad of injuries. The Wookies did get a few TD’s, 2 apiece from QB Jake Plummer (13 points) and Rod Smith (12 points). The Wookie offensive flex only scored 6 points and is easily the worst in the league. Keeper RB Ricky Williams also had an off game and the Wookies now have the worst rated keepers. His keepers have totaled less points than the Devils’ and Rob Ouaou has chosen not to play any keepers for three weeks straight. With the victory easily in hand heading into Monday night, Moore decided to go for the kill shot on Monday against a team that the Cubists previously had a losing record against. Moore said he would fix MNF by “Halftime Jello-wrestling tag team match: Dierdorf and Miller vs the home team's two hottest cheerleaders.” Yee-yuck. Moore has been contacted by WWF Owner Vince McMahon for more inspirational ideas. The Cubists’ owner also proved he could think outside the box by posing the following recommendation “How about listening to Aikman get punched in the groin?” Aikman would probably even make that sound boring. QB Aaron Brooks came out throwing with 3 TD’s, 20 points and his league-tying high 8th all pro performance. Despite his fine play, Brooks has not been assured of a spot on the Cubists next year. K Jeff Wilkins also had an outstanding 10 points and Sammy Knight contributed his first all pro performance with 16 points as he helped the Cubist DF also set a team record with 34 points. Moore summed the game up thusly, “The team played really well this week it's hard to single anybody out because the performance was so consistent, but Ricky Watters really gave us a spark until that damn injury. We tried to control the ball this week, and Tony and Terrell were great about sacrificing their stats to stay with the scheme.”
Syracuse 44’s 78 P-Miss Envy 76 This was what was called the trap game for the 44’s. They could have been easily looking ahead on their schedule to bigger games coming up, but Owner John Stoer knew that a sweep of the P-Miss Envy would do a lot to quell those seemingly unending Biakabatuka nightmares he had been suffering from. Noting that neither Timmy B nor Brian Mitchell was in the Envy line up, Stoer allowed a sigh to escape. Nevertheless, the Envy are a team built for December and they put up some numbers to be reckoned with. Lately, Owner Perry Missner must be impressed with amazing play of QB Steve “Pear” McNair. At the beginning of the season, Missner was considering replacing McNair with rookie QB Michael Vick, but Vick has proved himself to be several years away. Meanwhile McNair might be cementing a keeper slot as he threw for 2 TD’s and 17 points against the hated Packers. It was McNair’s 3rd all pro performance in a row, yet Missner has still not put the keeper checkmark next to his name. One Envy member who does have the mark is RB Anthony Thomas, who was stolen from the 44’s in a trade for Correll Buckholter. Thomas also had his 3rd all pro performance with 17 points. That was about it for the scoring as the usually proud Envy OF scored a season low 6 points. The 44’s were given even, inconspicuous performances across the board. The game ball went to Jason Elam for his 11 points and #1 kicker rating. QB Donovan McNabb also scored 11 points but Stoer took issue with him because “If he's going to throw three picks against the Skins, he could at least have the decency to lose the game.” Some had thought it was strange that Stoer would start McNabb against the Skins and that was even more pronounced as back up QB Kordell Stewart, who thought he would be starting, scored 26 points. McNabb was the only player to score TD’s for the 44’s. The entire team was led by the awe-inspiring play of LB Warrick Holdman who eclipsed the Urlacher shadow for 14 points. Tiki Barber and Garrison Hearst each netted 7 points all on yards. Stoer came up with easily the best way to improve MNF: “No work on Tuesdays in the fall.” Continuing in the same line, the 44’s owner proved he could think outside the box by posing the following recommendation, “How about a third option: Listening to Troy Aikman getting punched in the groin for three hours.” Aikman would probably find someway to kiss Brent Farf’s pimply butt while getting the whack-a-mole. The Envy had a chance to steal the win on Monday night with Torry Holt only needing 5 lousy points. Holt who had been given a chance to get a keeper tag by winning the game scored 3 even lousier points. The keeper tag has now moved onto Ray Lewis who did score 14. Pear McNair will have to prove himself one more time to his stubborn owner. A happy Stoer commented, “This game accomplished two things I didn't think possible at the beginning of this year. 1) A victory over the Envy in December. 2) A season sweep of the Envy. Christmas is going to be just a little bit sweeter this year with the foul taste of Biakabatuka now out of our mouths.” Yeah, yeah, yeah – Merry Frickin’ Christmas.
Einar’s Luvable Losers 105 Inbred Brentful Brents 60 With the Dancin’ Einar’s banishment from the world of boy bands, the wiz kid now has a bit more time to concentrate on other things. His Losers could use the attention. The team was once flying high and in first by itself now found itself two games out of first and in 4th place. All they can do is win and hope other things in the league break for them. Meanwhile, Owner Steve Johnson and his Inbred Brentful Brents hope to reach new heights in their winningest season. The Brents also hoped to sweep the Losers and even the series history. Coming off of a blow out win, the Brents looked to capitalize on a bit of momentum. Unfortunately, Johnson’s Packer-laden line up did not come through for the team. QB Brent Farf stumbled his way to 13 points on 2 TD’s, one of which went to starting WR Bull Scroter who had 11 points. Scrote got the game ball from Johnson because “At least he made an effort.” Even Johnson poured scorn on “The Pack. Todd Bouman rips Tenn apart and the Pack cant do S@$t!!” Oh yes, how nice, how does second place feel – again! The real disappointment came from RB Green A-hole who scored a season low 1 point against the mighty Titan D. The only other Brent TD came from Monday night Joe Horn who has played like the keeper he is of late. TE Byron Chamberlain went back to nothingness, but K Kris Brown kept up the nice play with 9 points. Johnson even had the worst idea for helping MNF, “Get all the announcers from all the games and vote off one a week until your left with Aikman.” Survivor? So played. The Brent DB D had 16 points. Things weren’t much rosier. LB Nate Wayne was unable to play due to an undisclosed injury. One Packer spy said the linebacker had been banging his head the wall for hours on end try to figure out what comes after six. Olindo Mare kept the Einar’s percentage of guessing the right kicker low as he was shut out for the second time this season. Backup K David Akers had 8 points. RB LaDainian Tomlinson continued his second half fade with just 4 points. On the plus side, TE Marcus Pollard had a TD and 12 points to reassume the top tight end spot. WR Marty Booker also had a beautiful TD catch with both feet in bounds. The mediocre play of both teams on Sunday had the game in doubt until Monday. With the Brents holding a 5 point lead, Johnson had to hope that Kurt Warner would start chucking interceptions again and that Joe Horn would score more than 8 points. As we already reported Horn scored 8, which was 50 less than Warner and his favorite receiver of the day, Isaac Bruce. Warner repeatedly gave the cold shoulder to a wide open Torry Holt to hit Bruce for three TD’s. Warner ended up with 35 points to tie his own season high and to resume his status as #1 keeper. Bruce, who has been MIA for most of the season, scored 23 points for his second all pro performance. The Losers have now gone from blow out loss to blow win and vice versa for 4 straight weeks. The Brents have now lost in blow out fashion 5 times. It was also the 5th time the Brents had allowed 100 points and the Losers had scored over the century mark.
Weaselicious Cookies 95 County Coroners 59 To say not much was at stake in this match up of lower echelon teams would represent the game accurately. Yes, Owner Dan Weitz amended his statement about San Francisco being “too gay” to include the Oakland area, but that didn’t seem to mean as much to Owner Chad G. Nuss. Nuss, in fact, had his mind in Indiana as he only repeated Notre Dame to each of this week’s interview. What’s with Notre Dame? Perhaps he was thinking about the recent rumors of Raiders Coach Jon Gruden going to the Golden Domers. Or perhaps he was thinking about WR Tim Brown who scored 0 points to tie the team low at WR for third time. Whatever, Nuss was thinking he is going to need three straight wins to maintain the 8-9 Coroner standard that the team has settled for the last three seasons. The Coroners did not receiver much Raider love as only Rich Gannon and Geriatric Rice hooked up for the only TD. Gannon ended up with a low 10 and Rice cooked up another 12. The only other highlight for the Coroners is the rising star of DB Rodney Harrison who scored another 10 points and is now the second rated DB in the land. Cam Cleeland also broke out with a point on Monday night. The Cookies are looking to unchartered waters in the next three weeks. Weitz’s team has never won more than 6 games so another win could put 2001 as a banner year. Weitz made another gutsy QB move by signing and playing QB Todd Bouman who helped himself to an all pro performance on 16 points before hurting his thumb. Weitz, a one time Troy Aikman backer, did not care for the groin comparison, but added, “is he calling a pecker game? that has a lot of bearing on my choice cause I like my groin.” Decisions, decisions. RB Emmitt Smith finally returned the line up but was only able to manage 2 points. If Smith ever does break Walter Payton’s record, it is clear that he will do it with little to no dignity. Super Joe Nedney chipped in 5 glorious points against the Packers in the Titan win. Weitz gave the game ball to LB Jamir Miller who had his third all pro performance and 22 points. Miller is now the top ranked LB. WR Amani Toomer had a TD, but the Cookie WR slot is still the worst rated in the league. On Monday night, Weitz decided that it was time for his team have their first blow out win. RB Marshall Faulk ran for a TD and scored 12 points and Willie Jackson had 16 points for his first all pro performance. Speaking of MNF, Weitz said he would improve it by “never put the Peckers on monday night and have the cheerleaders strip at halftime.” And if Jennifer Aniston were one of those cheerleaders… The Cookies managed the split with the Coroners and their first blowout win (against three losses). Weitz was clearly thinking of Nuss and his Raider madness when he commented on the win, “It’s monday and the game is OVER now thats confidence. Just Win BABY.” Weitz proceded to strut around then commented on fantasy basketball by laughing at the Einar who lost his first place standing in more than a month. Then, Weitz had more nasty things to say about Perry Missner’s team whose team is not doing well, but still better than Einar can’t Lose team.
Week 16 previews – Finally, the week has come that will show which team wants the 2001 Modano championship. We will separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys and the cream from the crap. All of the teams at the top of the standings meet and Week 16 will go a long way to determine how history looks at the 2001 season. The top game has the San Francisco Cubists looking to show the Bull City Bears how championships are won. There seems to be little animosity between the two teams whose owners tried to show that respect is apparent. Bears’ Owner Randy Chambers said, “This is how it should be. We've gotta beat the best to be the best. We know it's gonna be tough, but just like the Bulls had to exorcise the Bad Boy demons to become Champs, we've got to knock of the Cubists (and 44s) to earn the title. We have the greatest respect for Jamo, (and Sto's) club(s). This is what December is all about!” Chambers is glad to have Shaun Alexander back in the line up and doubly glad he doesn’t have to see Ricky Watters. QB Michael Barrow also returns for the Bears. Daunte Culpepper and RB Jerome Bettis are still hurting and won’t be seen this week. The Cubists, who hold a 5-2 series advantage, are trying to avenge the serious 97-69 butt-whupping they took in Week 7. Owner Jason Moore said, “The Bears are the best team in the league, and they are going to be angry. We have a huge amount of respect for their entire roster... it seems like half their players have contributed to a Cubist championship. On our side, Terrell Owens is still fighting several injuries, but we know he's excited to step on the field against Randy Moss.” Moore is trying to find the right combinations in the OF by overturning the entire flex. He has Dominic Rhodes as his starting RB and returns Mack, Dunn and Troy Brown to the flex line up. The next best match up has the 10 win 44’s against the 9 win Losers. The 44’s took first place away from the Losers with a 89-69 win in Week 7, but the Losers lead the series 2-1. Owner John Stoer, who has to do without #1 K Jason Elam for the first time this season and goes with K John Hall, welcomes back Wesley Walls to the line up. Stoer said, “The Rams are playing the Panthers?? Oy vey. And, yes, I will be doing a little scoreboard watching to see how things are progressing down in Bull City.” He had some thoughts on some other subjects that he thought he would like to mention, “Lastly, this has nothing to do with anything, but I've come to the conclusion that Ricki Watters and Terri Glenn are, in fact, both women which helps explain why they continue to play and act like total pussies.” Excellent points, but you forgot to mention Brenti Farfi and Antonia Freekwoman. We won’t even mention Bull Scroter for his indeterminate sex. Always an interesting match is the pairing of the Envy and Brents. The Week 7 104-55 squash by the Envy left Owner Steve Johnson nearly speechless for the only time this season. Johnson chanted, “Must defeat Missner! Must defeat Missner!” When told of the upcoming schedule. Missner goes with the tried and true Farf-buster Joey Galloway in the line up. He always beats Farf even if he doesn’t contribute. Johnson introduces the league to Chad Scott and welcomes back Michael Pittsman. The Envy lead the series 3-1. As we drop lower on the standings, we noticed the match up of the Cookies and Devils. Both teams had losing records in Week 7 and that trend continues. As mentioned before, the Cookies hope to get their 7th win for the first time in any season. A .500 record is still a possibility. Neither team has changed their line up yet, but we must remember that the Devils are 1-1 when they have bye-players in their line up like Michael Anderson is this week. The Devils won in Week 7, 76-58, and the series is tied 2-2. Maryland State Police are combing the forests and calling out “Ouaou.” Finally, in the battle of who could care less, we have the woeful Wookies against the flat-lining Coroners. At least Owner Chad G. Nuss has changed his line up for the match up – taking out Ike Hilliard and Deltha O’Neal and replacing them with William Thomas and Derrick Alexander. While we can applaud Owner Will Mitchell for trying to show respect for Ben Coates, but going without a WR with Rod Smith on the bye is a bit much. The Coroners won in Week 7, 80-57 and lead the series 4-1
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