San Francisco Cubists 101 Weaselicious Cookies 97 What looked like a tie/victory for the Cookies was overturned in the final review as the Cubists took a victory in this now heated rivalry. Owner Dan Weitz had stirred up some controversy by claiming San Francisco �too gay� for his tastes. A stunned city vowed revenge and the Weaselicious practices were disturbed by protesters playing Erasure, Morrissey and Depeche Mode loudly. The only Cookie who seemed affected was Paul Edinger who simply couldn�t concentrate enough to the ball through the posts. The Cookies had a day of touchdowns rarely enjoyed in franchise history. Marshall Faulk had his 5th all pro performance and held onto his #1 RB slot with 18 points on a couple of TD�s. This wasn�t surprising, but what was surprising was the play of the Cookie OF. Previously, the Cookies were lucky to get one TD from their borderline scrapheap players, but in Week 14 they managed 4 TD�s. Jeff �Snoopy� Graham came out of nowhere to score twice and have a 20 point day. Willie Jackson and Maurice Smith both scored their first TD�s in ages. What made Jackson�s TD even more special was that it was on a trick play and didn�t come from Cubist QB Aaron Brooks. The Cookies also received TD�s from Brian Griese and TE Frank Wycheck. Nine TD�s in one week should have been enough for the Cookies to beat anyone. The Weasel, who is known to prefer old #26, Matt Suhey, gave the game ball to Faulk but his entire team was given kudos for their hard play. The only member of the team who was unhappy was former Weitz favorite Emmitt Smith who can�t seem to break into the line up. Smith said, �Weasel could have had the top two RB�s in the league [he did drop RB Priest Holmes early in the season] but he don�t � and he should be playing me.� Smith did have 10 points. Owner Jason Moore, like many of the Modano owners known as a staunch advocate of the NFL replay rule (although he said, �they should tweak the rule so that if you challenge and you're right, it doesn't count against the number of challenges you are allowed to make.�) had his crew playing at a fever pitch. QB Aaron Brooks overcame his loss of TD to Jackson by gaining many yards, plus a TD for 16 points. TE Tony Gonzalez made amends for his poor play in Week 13, with a TD and 10 points. He reclaimed the #1 TE spot. The Cubists also received TD�s from Corey Dillon (10 pts), Travis Henry (15 pts), and Stephen Davis (13 pts). Jeff Wilkins also had 10 fine kicking points. The Cubists have now received the more points from their kicking position than any other team. With all of these points being scored, it looked like the game was going to go into the tie-breaker rules. Each team had 97 points as of Monday morning, but the Cookies were to have won on their 9 TD�s. Moore then threw in his red flag with a challenge. The referees conferred and slowed the game up for ages while they tried to decide what was right, when they should have known what was right in the first place. Eventually, they decided to give Ronde Barber credit for his fumble recovery made on special teams. Moore said, �Ronde Barber asked to play special teams late in the game, and his fumble recovery made the difference between a 97-97 tie/loss and an important win. You've got to love that attitude.� Barber echoed his coach and said, �I am still pissed at Weitz for breaking up me and my brother. He should have kept us. Joey Galloway? Key-rist.� Weitz somehow managed to take something positive out of the game. He said, �I'm glad we fired up the Cubists now go kick some Einar butt. Damn Troy Aikman saying lots of nice things about the Peckers and Farve, Dynasty this, Farve is good what a bunch of horse [puckey]. Troy you�re a traitor.� More on Aikman later. Moore ended his press conference by answering Weitz�s criticism of his city by the bay, �It's ironic that Weitz thinks San Francisco is too gay... because it's pretty clear most of his players suck d$#k.�
Bull City Bears 101 Peaks Island Wookies 70 On Monday morning, it looked like Owner Randy Chambers and his Bull City Bears would have a two game lead with just 4 to play. The Cubists were embroiled in Bano-gate, the Losers were getting waxed by the Envy and the 44�s looked like they were pay the Manning. While the Bears still have some competition at the top (in the form of the 44�s and Cubists � a Sidwell trifecta), they knew that the Wookies were, what we call in the business, a gimme. Owner Will Mitchell and his wandering Wookies had never beaten the Bears, and Chambers knew that they would never get closer than their 99-99 tie in Week 5. The Wookies had a brief respite from their losing ways in the middle of the season, but it looks like the fight had been taken out of them as they have now been blown out three straight times. One has to wonder about an offensive flex with two Panthers in yet. Yes, the Panthers were playing the Bills, but two Panthers? One of the Panthers, RB Richard Huntley did come through with a TD. RB Ricky Williams also had a TD and both runners had 10 points. The only other TD came from Jake Plummer who scored 12 points. The Wookies played their first game without TE Shannon Sharpe who was on the bye. His replacement, Anthony Brecht, had one point. Perhaps the Wookies thought they had a shot with Bear QB Daunte Culpepper on the bench with a sore knee. Chambers knew he had to go without Culpepper so he had Mark Brunell working with the first team for the entire week. Brunell took charge with 18 points and his first all pro performance in a Culpepper like way. One of Brunell�s two TD tosses went to WR Jimmy Smith who is finished with drugs because �they ain�t no damn good for youse.� WB Randy Moss finally seems interested in winning his 3rd Modano trophy and he is playing with some fire. Moss caught a TD ball and scored 16 points for his 3rd all pro performance. With an early lead, Chambers decided to stick it to Mitchell by handing the ball off to Patriots� RB Antowain Smith again and again. Smith gained 17 points on two TD�s and was given the game ball by Chambers. Chambers also gave credit for the win to downed Wookie QB Drew Bledsoe. Chambers said, �I know Antowain would come up big against the Wookies. Seeing Bledsoe on the enemy sideline fired him up!� He then tried to cover up his team�s greatest weakness by saying, �And man, Ryan Longwell has fit in great -- what chemistry!� Longshanks had 5 points plus one �dong.� He clearly knows nothing about Bear football and should be cut before he infects other players with his brand of shanky inbrededness. At least Chambers would never be as sacrilegious as to compare the one and only Sweetness, Walter Payton, to Green A-hole like butt licker Troy Aikman and his butt licking buddy Dick Stockton did time and again. Give me a break! Troy Aikman reminds me of one of those computer games in which the announcers say the same thing over and over again, except the computer voices do it with at least a modicum of emotion. On the instant replay issue, Chambers said, �Pro, although I sure wish they'd get the durn replays correct. I've seen too many where the official went to the videotape and still got the call wrong! I feel like Tony Dungy sometimes.� Yes, why not go with the original call and save us all some time? Nevertheless, the Bears look like they are on the path to Modano.
Syracuse 44�s 74 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 65 There was trepidation in the camp of Owner John Stoer as he looked across to the vacant slot of Owner Rob Ouaou. Stoer knew that his team could easily see that Devils were not terribly interested in playing out the string as they had left WR Qadry Ismail in the lineup, despite being on the bye. Ouaou, using his system of nearly complete non-involvedness which had worked to fairly decent success in 2000 and had won a game earlier in the season, also had reason to believe his team would win. Ouaou�s reason to believe came in the form of two words: Priest Holmes. The diminutive running back ran roughshod on the Raider defense for two TD�s and over 100 yards of rushing and receiving for a team high 30 points. Who would have thought that Holmes would have been even a decent replacement for RB Edgerrin James? Rob Ouaou, that�s who. The Devils received little else. WR David Boston continued his fine play with 8 points, but it was all made by yards. You gotta get into the end zone, big fella. He was the only Devil OF man to score. James Thrash and Freddie Jones each had 4 points and the defense rolled three 6�s which is good for D&D but not so good for defensive flex members. Stoer could be as excited about his Eagles as he could get about Eagles. Donovan McNabb had his 8th all pro game with 18 points on two TD�s � one of which went to Duce Staley who had 12 points. The two combined to equal Holmes. The other 44 to score was RB Garrison Hearst who according to Brian Baldinger �is as nice a person as he is a player.� TE Eddie �Boo� Williams received Stoer�s scorn and was cut before the end of the game. Store, who is pro-replay because �Refs are blind and often paid off �[probably the best two points in favor of replay that I have seen] said his favorite member of the 1985 Bears team was �Sweetness, of course. Who did you think I was going to say, Gary Fencik?� Well, Fencik did go to Yale?!? Surprisingly, the 44�s found themselves down to Holmes going into Monday night. Stoer had the familiar worry of his star wide receiver Marvin Harrison being cancelled out by the Devils� QB Peyton Manning. Luckily, the 44�s had their insurance policy, LB Zach Thomas, also playing on Monday night. While Thomas did not do anything special with two points, just the threat of his hitting Manning close to the jaw had the Colts� geeky QB running scared. Stoer gave the game ball to Thomas, �Thomas for shutting down Baby Manning on Monday Night. An inspirational two points.� Manning threw 4 interceptions and took the two point lead the Devils had and carved it into a two point deficit. Marvin Harrison�s 5 points were the icing on top of the cake. While Ouaou could not be reach for comment � again � Stoer said of his gaining the sweep and staying unbeaten against the Devils, �I would just like to thank Rob for having the guts, no, the courage, to play Qadry Ismail against me this week. A lesser man might have opted to take the former Orange star out of his line-up as a token of respect to my club, but Rob held firm and decided that his team, and our game, would be better with Qadry than without Qadry. I salute you Rob!�
P-Miss Envy 105 Einar�s Luvable Losers 71 In many ways, this past week will show a great deal about what Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen is made out of. It was a tough week. First, the Einar learned through both the AP and Reuters that he had been kicked out of N*Sync because they decided to let the chubby, bearded one back in. There were also rumors that the other members of N*Sync had become increasingly disturbed by Dancin� Einar�s drooling over Britney Spears and his inability to sing or dance. The Einar�s talent agent, a fat guy named Diamond Lou, then set up an interview for the Einar to become a Backstreet Boy, but the Einar failed the audition miserably. One member of Backstreet said, �Even Marky Mark can sing better than that. Youch.� Finally, Sunday rolled around and with his team still in contention for the Modano trophy, the Losers needed to play well. They didn�t. Well, that isn�t the complete story. QB Kurt Warner, a former Envy member, had a fine game. He scored 19 points and kept the ball away from Envy WR Torry Holt (4 pts). Unfortunately, he also kept the ball away from WR Isaac Bruce as well for only two points. Troy Vincent also had an excellent game with 15 points, but the other members of the defense did not play well at all. LB Nate Wayne got an ouchy early in his game and only received one point. Darren Sharper, well, he didn�t do well at all. Only 6 points. WR Keyshawn Johnson had his first TD of the season and scored 12 points, but he was offset by Marty Booker�s refusal to play. Booker and RB LaDanian Tomlinson, two key Loser cogs, did not score. Meanwhile, the Envy�s aerial assault continued. It is unfortunate that Owner Perry Missner can not coax his team to play a little better in the warmer months because in the winter months, the Envy becomes a monster. They have now won four out of five. QB Steve �Pear� McNair has been a late season revelation and may even be holding onto the longest keeper status in the game. McNair had his second straight all pro week with 20 points and the Envy passed the Devils in QB points. McNair was helped with a healthy Anthony Thomas on the field. Thomas ran for one inspirational TD and 10 points. The Envy offensive flex was also TD-laden as Titans Derrick Mason and Eddie George each scored a TD and Chris Chambers nailed down the win on Monday night with two more TD�s and 14 points. Of course, not to be forgotten was the Envy D which was once again led by the league�s highest scoring linebacker � Brian Urlacher. Urlacher had his third all pro performance with 15 points which were equaled by Jeremiah Trotter and Mike Brown combined. Rumors had LB Ray Lewis, who was on the bye in Week 14, going with others to the County Coroners for QB Jeff Garcia, but Chad Nuss was elsewhere this week. Nuss apparently had hopes of getting everyone�s favorite Jay Riemersma, who was the reason the deal fell through � that, and Nuss not responding to numerous e-mails. While the Einar did open his locker room for a post game press conference and it is the media�s duty to report his replies, it is clear that Ein, as his friends call him, was despondent and made little to no sense. For those of you who are interested, Olsen ranted and raved about his pubic hair, but the rest would better be left unreported.
Inbred Brentful Brents 99 County Coroners 70 While it may be a case of too little, too late, the Brents have been playing well the past few weeks and with their win over the Coroners have strung together three wins in a row. Owner Steve Johnson knew that his team had two clear areas of deficiency that they needed to fill before they would be successful and he seems to have found what he needed. The team formerly had the lowest rated TE and K, but both spots came up large in Week 14. K Kris Brown had a very pleasant game with 12 points. TE Byron Chamberlain also had the best TE game for the Brents this season with 9 points. Johnson gave each surprise a game ball along with RB Green A-hole who promptly fumbled it. Green did have 18 points for his 4th all pro performance, but I have already said too much about it. QB Brent Farf had another off game with just 9 points which included an interception. Farf�s focus seemed to break in the middle of the game as he noticed a spot of increasing dampness at the back of his crotch. He turned around quickly and found Troy Aikman lapping away. Upon being discovered, Aikman said, �You are the greatest, Brent, and you are playing a team whose MVP is their punter. Their MVP is their punter. Did I mention you are the greatest, although I have more Super Bowl rings than you?� Farf was reminded of all those good ole times spent in Mississippi with his relatives. A disgusted Johnson kicked Aikman off the field. Johnson could not find fault in any of his players� performance. New recruit Michael Pittman had 6 points along with the suddenly resurgent WR Joe Horn. Horn had 15 points for his second all pro game. Johnson, who like all of the other league owners besides the Envy�s Perry Missner, likes the instant replay rule because �It�s better to have a chance to change an obviously bad call as apposed to waiting for Monday for them to say they screwed up.� For the Coroners, it was another week of Owner Chad G. Nuss�s Raider darlings showing up and the rest of the team being elsewhere. Perhaps Nuss has lavished too much attention on his Raiders. QB Rich Gannon had an off-game with only 13 points but one of those strikes went to Geriatric Rice who had 9 points. Tim Brown returned a punt for the only other Coroner TD. Former Brent Charlie Gardner did not hurt his old team too badly with just four points. The non-Raider element of the Coroners make it look increasingly less likely that the Coroners will manage their yearly 8 win output. Cam Cleeland, Ike Hilliard and Laverneus Coles managed 2 points combined. Only the outstanding play of DB Rodney Harrison kept the blow out away from titanic proportions. Harrison had 20 points on fumble recoveries, sacks and interceptions to lead the team. Back up QB Jeff Garcia had an off game since his head swirled with trade rumors. Garcia said, �It would be honor to be traded for Eddie George or Torry Holt, but both of them � wowwee! Actually, I would just appreciate the chance to play, but I guess I�ll have to wait until 2002.� Johnson summated his thoughts on the game by stating, �I couldn�t have the Coroners and one last Raider separated for the whole season if I had anything to day about it. Besides, Pittman will out perform him the rest of the way.�
Week 15 previews � It looks like it will be another week of the leaders drafting as they all three teams within the top game play teams with losing records. The Bull City Bears look for yet another blow out as they face the static Walnut Creek Mountain Devils. The Bears lead the series 3-1. The Bears had the first of their 7 2001 blow outs against the Devils with a 113-74 whitewashing. The record for blow outs in a season is held jointly by the San Francisco Cubists and UNC Duke Haters in 1998 with 8. The Bears look to go with the same line up and, of course, so do the Devils. Owner Randy Chambers produced the Aikman-esque, �We're just taking em one at a time.� Quote while, Ouaou, of course, said nothing. Just one game off the lead are the 44�s and Cubists. Of the two, the 44�s are more likely to be beaten as they face an angry P-Miss Envy team. Owner Perry Missner has pressed all the right buttons lately as the team has won four out its last five. They end the season like 2001 beating everyone except the Bears. Missner wants revenge for the 107-63 shellacking his team took in the first match up. The Envy welcome back Ray Lewis and introduce Michael Bennett into their line up. Owner John Stoer said of the match up, �It's a rule that's becoming etched in stone: Nobody likes to play the Envy in December. I don't know if it's a Cubs hangover that keeps the Envy down in September and October, but they are a fierce club come the stretch drive. We'll have to score in triple digits to be competitive.� That may well be true. The 44�s are going to try Dwayne Carswell at tight end and are going for the inside jab with LB Warrick Holdman. Missner has countered the Holdman move with K Matt Sto-ver. The Envy lead the all time series 4-2. That may be revenge for Missner�s play of Kevin Mitchell in Week 6. The Cubists take on the Wookies in what should be a lop-sided battle, but Owner Jason Moore is wary, �The Wookies are much better than their record. Ricky Williams and Rod Smith are a great 1-2 punch, and they have excellent defense and special teams... we definitely need to bring our A game.� Moore has tabbed Troy Brown and Dominic Rhodes in returns to the line up against one of the few teams that the Cubists have a losing record against (the Wookies have won 3 out of the 5 matches). The Wookies, so far, are going with the unusual line up of no tight end, but Shannon Sharpe in the offensive flex. Is this simply a rouse to get the Cubists off their game or is Owner Will Mitchell trying something new and extraordinary. The battle of the demented takes place as a pair of Packer lovin� buddies, Brents and Losers, take each other. The game will feature more green and ugly yellow than should be allowed. Neither had anything of value to say about the other team. Owner Steve Johnson goes with WB Cris Carter and R.W. McQuarters in his line up, while the Losers will remain the same. The Losers lead the all time series, 2-1, but the Brents won in Week 6 � 84-74. Finally two 5-8�ers match up with the stingy Coroners playing the Weaselicious Cookies. The Weasel received unprecedented production from some lesser known players in Week 14 and that will have to continue if Owner Dan Weitz wants to avenge the 85-57 loss earlier in the season. Weitz said, �Our team is playing for, well nothing . I guess so Go Titans.� Ever heard of a little thing called pride? Neither team has changed their line up yet although the Cookies made a bold move in signing up Super Joe Nedney to take Paul Edinger�s place. It should be one heck of a ballgame. Of course, Fox is saying that about the Lions-Panthers match up as well.
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