Bull City Bears 85 Weaselicious Cookies 49 For Owner Randy Chambers a lot is riding on these last weeks of the Modano season. He knows that his Bull City Bears team has been close to winning the championship, especially last year – only to choke it away or lose games they should have won. So, Chambers knows that it is time to take of business, and the business at hand was the quickly sinking Weaselicious Cookies. The problem that Chambers encountered was not the other team so much as it was with his own star QB Duante Culpepper. Culpepper hurt his knee trying to scramble away from Chicago Bear defenders the previous week. Although he was still large, he was not able to move too well and only notched 1 point. Instead of crashing and burning like the Bears would have in 2000 without Culpepper, Chambers ordered his team to run the ball down after down. The new Bears running attack provided great dividends as three of the four Bear RB’s scored TD’s and all four are in the top ten for RB’s. Starter Jerome Bettis led the TD parade through the weak Cookie D with 12, Shaun Alexander had 11 and Antowain Smith had 9. RB Curtis Martin also chipped in 6. Chambers gave the game ball to “The Hogs -- because without good blocking, you cannot run the ball!” TE Desmond Clark also gained admittance to the end zone and finished with 8. The TD scoring was completed by WB Randy Moss who proceeded to celebrate his TD with something that Chambers calls “Todd Tugwell's moonwalk” – one of the smoothest dance moves known which is sure to get all of the ladies looking. The only clear mistake that Chambers made (by the way, he is not taking a pseudonym this week of a mediocre coach from the past since he knows that Bud Carson and Sam Rutigiliano never won championships) was the signing and playing of K Ryan Longshanks. ‘Shanks scored 4 points but there are much better kickers on the waiver wire including – well, anybody! The 6th blowout win for the Bears prompted Chambers to promise his team a dream vacation if they get 10 blowouts this year. He described the vacation as “a weekend in Dan Dierdorf's living room -- eating pork rinds and wearing a spittle-guard to keep Dan's dribble off me whilst he waxes [bombastically] on about his days with Boomer and Al-falfa.” Sounds absolutely awful. If it weren’t for Marshall Faulk, the Cookies would have been close to the worst score ever. Faulk scored on three receiving TD’s and totaled 30 points. Owner Dan Weitz correctly gave the game ball to Faulk and correctly pointed out that “rest of the team sucked ash.” QB Alex Van Pelt, who had played well the two previous weeks, forgot which team to throw the ball to and finished with a record low for QB’s: -7. Weitz, who roots for the only NFL team without a player on any Modano team’s starting lineup (the Cowboys), also received a record low from the WR slot as Jeff Graham fumbled and had -1. After Graham fumbled, he further embarrassed himself by doing the “Einar Wedding Dance.” Beside Faulk, the lone bright spot was the play of K Paul Edinger who had a fine 7 points. The 49 point output was the worst for the Cookies and made Weitz decide that he needed to concentrate on his Jennifer Aniston fixation more. Weitz said about his dream vacation, “Jennifer Aniston, me and a lot of naked time.” Unfortunately, by contract the rest of the untalented Friends would have to be there too. Weitz summed up his thoughts on the game by saying, “Did I mention that I hate the Einar AND fantasy Football? My next line-up is just going to have Faulk in it and Emmitt since the rest of my guys try to take points away instead of score points.” Yes, that is not good. A beaming Chambers offered the media these pearls of wisdom, “It's December, baybee. If you cannot run the ball, you cannot win. We sat Jimmy Smits because he doesn't run, even when the cops is chasing him! Damn cokehead.” Actor Jimmy Smits declined comment, but wore a t-shirt that said, “Bobby Simone is dead.”
P-Miss Envy 99 San Francisco Cubists 80 Owner Jason Moore has a long memory and he doesn’t like losing. Earlier in the season, the Cubists lost for the first time to the P-Miss Envy who have yet to play with any consistency. Moore knew that he needed to get his troops prepared for a real war, despite the disparity in the teams’ records. The Cubists’ seem to take a breath of relief, however, when on Thursday they learned that Owner Perry Missner had stubbornly kept RB Anthony Thomas for the second straight week despite the real possibility that Thomas would not play because of a hamstring injury. Before it was known whether or not Thomas would play, there was some Thursday business to take care of. Tony Gonzalez represented the Cubists against Jeremiah Trotter of the Envy and it was clear right from the get go that Gonzalez was not into the game. Fat Tony only had 1 point while Trotter scored 10. On Saturday, it became official that Thomas would not play, so Moore’s players thought they had the game sewn up. What they didn’t count on was the resurgent QB Steve “Pear” McNair claiming his starting job back and having a whale of a performance. McNair had the Envy’s first all pro performance from a keeper and was the 4th different Envy QB to have an all pro game (following Weinke, Flutie and Miller) with 26 points on three TD’s. Some thought that McNair would be rusty from all of the bench time, but it seems the rest did him some good in what may be his farewell tour for the Envy. Almost as amazing was the play of Eddie George who was able to run for a TD for only the second time this season and scored 9 points. WR’s Chris Chambers and Torry Holt also scored TD’s and combined for 19 points. Of course, the Envy are known for defense and the members of the defensive flex were not missing. The Envy now boast three of the top six linebackers. LB Brian Urlacher (#2) had 9 points on some nice hits and Ray Lewis (#3) had his best game with 18 points. All three regular members of the Envy defense have now had two all pro performances. For awhile, the Cubists were able to keep pace with Envy output. QB Aaron Brooks had his 6th all pro performance with 3 TD’s and 24 points. Brooks was given the game ball. The lone other Cubist TD came from WR Terrell Owens who scored 10. LB Anthony Simmons had a break out game with 15 but his two defensive buddies only scored 5. One of those buddies was LB Derek Smith, who had helped secure the Envy win in Week 4. It would have been sweet revenge for Smith to play well again, but that just wasn’t part of the divine plan. Moore, who prefers not to dance but would rather “sidestep to the bar for another drink” is in the unfamiliar place of not being in first place this late in the season. He said he needed a break and from Tuesday to Thursday would be at “a beach somewhere with waitresses bringing drinks to my cabana, plus enough sand for frisbee.” Before he left Moore summed the game up by saying, “If the Envy could play us every week, they'd probably be in first place. We came out flat, their defense made us pay, and that was that.” As it happens, the Envy have only outscored the Cubists in five of the 12 weeks, but two of those five weeks were when the two teams matched up. The Envy have now beaten the Cubists four straight times and the Cubists have not won in the series since 1998.
Syracuse 44’s 105 County Coroners 96 In what had become known in the week preceding the game as the Bowl of Chunky Soup, there were some unfriendly feelings between the two teams. Earlier in the season, when the Oakland Raiders had beaten the Philadelphia Eagles, Owner Chad G. Nuss proudly proclaimed that “Donovan ‘Chunky Soup’ sucked.” Some in his camp were not aware that McNabb and his faithful Owner John Stoer would be listening. Stoer circled the date on the calendar when Nuss would meet McNabb again and told McNabb to do everything he could to win that game. McNabb was so eager that he came out on Thursday to play and scored 19 points on two TD’s. He even scored the game ball from Stoer to no one’s surprise. McNabb was complemented by RB Duce Staley who had 15 points and became the 4th different 44 RB to have an all pro performance. With Donnie Edwards’ 3 points, the 44’s were staked to a 37 point lead before Sunday even started. When the Raiders-Cardinals game came along, Stoer had a few things to worry about. The game was a high scoring affair with every Coroner/Raider getting into the endzone. QB Rich Gannon scored 25 points on three TD’s. Coroner QB’s have now scored all pro performances in 5 straight games and 25 points or more in the last three games. Gannon hit Tim Brown for two scores and 17 points and creaky Geriatric Rice for another score to go with 12 points. Even Zack Crockett scored a TD and had 7 points. For the Cardinals, who upset the Raiders, RB Michael Pittman scored a TD and 13 points, but his lack of Raider loyalty got him traded to the Brents for Charlie Garner. To complete a rare all offensive flex double digit performance, WR Laverneus Coles had 10 points as the Coroner OF tied their season high of 35. The Coroner defensive flex really let the team down as they only scored 5 points. They could really use a good linebacker like Ray Lewis. Despite the large amount of Coroner points, the 44’s remained undaunted. RB Garrison Hearst had his second straight all pro game with 15 on one TD. Syracuse alum WR’s Kevin Johnson and Marvin Harrison also caught TD balls as they combined for another 25. In the battle of Saints’ tight ends, the 44’s Eric Williams outscored the Coroners’ Cam Cleeland 4 to 0. On his team’s consistency up and down the line up, Stoer said, “We played a great team game, I'm not going to single anyone out.” He continued, “This was a tremendous game. Every offensive player except the TE scored a TD for him, and he's got some pretty crappy players. Zack Crockett?? Thankfully, it all came down to the Saints TE's and I had the one that played. Of course, I'm writing this before the Monday Night game. Hopefully Donovin Darius doesn't score negative numbers.” And Donovin came through with 7 points. So pleased by the sweep of the Coroners, Stoer decided to treat his entire team (who scored over 100 points for the 5th time this season) for a fantasy vacation which was sure to include, “Baltimore Orioles relief pitcher B. J. Ryan [who has sucked the wind out of many baseball fans with his late inning gaffes], Halle Barry and Barbados.”
Einar’s Luvable Losers 101 Peaks Island Wookies 43 There is something about the Peaks Island Wookies that brings out the best in Einar’s Luvable Losers. Perhaps it is the Einar’s famous hatred for the state of Maine. Or, more likely, it is the fact the Einar’s mother wouldn’t let him see Star Wars until he was 16 because of all of the laser guns. In Week 4, the Losers put a 107-45 hurting on the Wookies and it was more of the same in Week 13. For the Losers, it all starts with QB Kurt Warner. Warner seems to be over his midseason thumb and interception troubles (he even commented that “he played like a real Farf”) as he filled the air with touchdown throws and points, 4 and 35, respectively, for his 5th all pro performance. After that, the team did not need much else. RB LaDainian Tomlinson had a TD to go along with 12 points and the #1 rated TE Marcus Pollard helped his cause with 11 points and a TD. The offensive flex only scored 15 and K Olindo Mare only had 3. For the first time this season, the Einar opened up his locker room for press coverage. However, instead of talking about the X’s and O’s of football, he wanted to impress everyone with his inside knowledge of N*Sync. He gave the game ball to Britney Spears, who according to People magazine won’t even deign to talk to the Einar since he has never been on the Disney channel. He took umbrage with Justin Timberlake who according to E! News Daily can’t really dance but is digitally modified by those fancy computers. When asked about how he thought the game went, Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen simply stated, “I am sorry. I’ve been very busy touring with N*sync and trying to get my groove on with Britney. No further questions.” Chances are, we won’t hear from the Einar again. While the Einar had his head on the “the Einar 2-step” and his dream of “Finally beating Weasel consistently at any play station game,” Owner Will “oh the shame” Mitchell continues to stare in disbelief as his team sinks to one of the worst records in Modano history. While the Wookies had a good week of practice, their concentration was cut when they heard star WR Rod Smith was not healthy enough to play. Smith was left in the line up since the cupboard is fairly bare. The team did get TD’s from QB Tim Couch (7 pts) and RB Ricky Williams (11 pts) who has been one of the most consistent performers in the league this season. K John Carney had a nice 9 point day but that was about it for the positives. Indicative of his day and season, Mitchell gave the game ball to Coroner’s 3rd string QB Tom Brady. He pointed to his entire time for scorn, but should have selected TE Shannon Sharpe who tied a record low with -1 or his offensive flex which only scored 3 points by Todd Pinkston. The defense came up with 14 points to keep the Wookies out of the 30’s, but the 43 points was a season low. The Wookies are the only team to score less than 50 points twice this season. Mitchell, who claim his dream vacation as this season, said, “43-101. i am fully at the bottom of the cycle of humiliation. First the bad guys steal the presidency, then my team shows no heart in a dismal season.. but wait, the Patriots in the playoffs? There is hope for a new tomorrow. Go Tom...and Drew.” Patriots’ Owner Robert Kraft was slightly worried by the Mitchell support since he does not need the jinx.
Inbred Brentful Brents 113 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 86 Things are starting to look up in the land of inbred morons. The Brents have run together consecutive wins for the first time since early in the season and none was more exciting that their comeback win against the battling Walnut Creek Mountain Devils. Owner Steve Johnson left the cards that most typify the Brents inbred, moronic style until Monday night so that Owner Rob Ouaou might have a false feeling of victory. On Sunday, the Brents were led by Joe Horn’s 16 point outburst. Horn was complemented by Lamar Smith’s 7 and Charlie Garner’s 4. It was Garner’s last game as a Brent. When told of his departure to the Coroners, Garner was excited because he knew that he would be surrounded by his Raider clan mates. Garner said, “No respect to Johnson, but his team lacks the leadership to win anything.” Johnson could not be reached for comment on how he was slammed by yet another departing player. The defensive back flex scored 24 points led by Kwame Lassiter’s 11. TE Byron Chamberlain playing in his first game since being acquired for a lame receiver, scored 1 point. Chamberlain and K Kris Brown combined for 4 points which prompted Johnson to state, “Geez, the Refs had more points in tackles and pass deflections then my guys.” Johnson claimed to have a dream vacation of “being in New Orleans watching the Pack win another title. But that’s not a fantasy now is it.” Not to contradict you, but, yes, it is a fantasy. One title in the last 30 years for something as misnamed as Title town is more than enough. The Devils started the week off well. LB Marvcus Patton scored his first all pro notch with 15 points on Thursday night. Priest Holmes and James Thrash combined for another 12. The team had more solid performances on Sunday. Peyton Manning reached all pro heights for the 6th time with two TD’s and 16 points. The former Brent pointed at Johnson each time he scored a TD, but his thoughts of revenge were not enough. The flex was led by David Boston, who is looking like a keeper, with 13 points and Qadry Ismail who had 11. Each had a TD. There were some off performances as well. TE Freddie Jones had just 2 points and RB Michael Anderson plopped only one point down. Nevertheless, the team had a 86-55 advantage going into Monday night. The first half of the Monday game had Johnson, who sometimes calls himself Proud Poppa Pump and loves to do the cabbage patch, worried. His Packers went scoreless against the mediocre Jaguar D. Sadly, the Packers were able to rally. Somehow Brent Farf scored 33 points to go with 25 combined of the Green A-hole and Bull Scroter. That was enough to earn the Brents their sixth win and high score honors for the week. Johnson proclaimed late on Monday night/Tuesday morning, “I was about to go to sleep in disgust then the Pack got that call as if they were playing at home. It just took a nudge to get them going. Damn those Bears! How is it they get so lucky to get a missed field goal (Huhh wait...), and can only beat the Lions by a few points (Huhh wait...).” We will let those statements speak for themselves.
Week 14 previews - This week, the have’s play the have not’s in every match up. Each team that is .500 or better plays a team that has lost more than it has won. In Week 4 that line up produced many upsets, but no one is sure (not even Jimmy the Greek, bless his soul) what will happen in Week 14. The widest disparity comes from the 9 win Bears against the 10 loss Wookies. The Bears beat the Wookies in a 99-99 thriller in Week 5 and haven’t looked back since. In fact, the Bears only loss since was in a tie game. Even though, the Bears sport a hefty advantage, Owner Randy Chambers is not taking the game lightly. “You always gotta be nervous when facing a Wookie. They'll tear your arms out just for beating them at wizard chess.” The Bears are going with QB Mark Brunell for the third time this season as Daunte Culpepper is gimpy. Brunell will have favorite target Jimmy Smith in the line up as well. Michael Barrow replaces Champ Bailey in the defense. Sadly, K Ryan Longshanks is still in the Bear lineup – which may cost them the game and then the championship. All Owner Will Mitchell could say on the match up was “i guarantee i will win” which is about as bold as it gets. The Wookies, who have never beaten the Bears, overturned their entire offensive flex with Panthers and James Allen and welcome back DL Michael Strahan. Anthony Brecht replaces Shannon Sharpe who is on the bye and will miss his first game of the year. Only Rod Smith and 44 Jason Elam have been in the lineup every game this year. The Cubists hope to rebound from their loss against the Envy with a sweep of the Cookies. The Cubists won the earlier battle, 78-53. Owner Jason Moore said, “I hope Marshall Faulk is tired from scoring all those touchdowns this week.” The Cubists go with the same line up as in Week 13. Owner Dan Weitz, hoping to get a rise out of the Cubists, said, “I've been to San Francisco and it’s too gay for me. Let's see if that will get the Cubists to say anything negative.” Weitz has been invited to speak at the latest Ripon KKK rally, but isn’t sure whether he is going to accept or not. Weitz’s arch-nemesis, the Einar, takes his queer dancing and weak singing to take on the P-Miss Envy. The Losers won in Week 5, 105-93, and go with the same line up. Owner Perry Missner hopes that RB Anthony Thomas has finally healed enough to play and run over many a Packer. Derrick Mason is back in the line up, but the whole team has been put on trade alert. Something big may go down this weekend. Mike Brown introduces himself to the league with Ray Lewis on the bye. Owner John Stoer had to be roused from a re-occurring empty ice cream machine dream to comment on his Week 14 match up, “Who am I playing again? Oh yeah, Rob. Do you think it's a coincidence that Qadry is on the bye this week?” Yet Qadry is still in the line up at this late date. Before the 44’s get too confident though, they should be reminded of one stat: Devils with all of their players playing – 3-8, Devils with at least one player on the bye and still in the lineup, 1-0. The 44’s, who won the initial battle 91-78, welcome back Tiki Barber from the bye and Zach Thomas from the bench. Finally, the Brents and Coroners who just swapped RB’s play. The Brents, who narrowly beat the Coroners in Week 5, 70-61, have newly acquired Michael Pittman in the line up and will try the Ahmed Plummer experiment. Owner Chad G. Nuss, one of two owner not to open their locker room to the media in Week 13 and who is leaving trade offers just lying there waiting for approval, has the New York TD Exchange in his offensive flex surrounded by Neals and Raiders.
----------------------------Joe Theisman is a What? Press---------------------------------------------------