San Francisco Cubists 103 County Coroners 73 The long standing battle of the bay was played out once again with a familiar result. Prior to the game, all of the attention had been focused on Cubist WR Terrell Owens who, according to Coroner media sources, had been unhappy with his roll in the Cubist offense. However, after a meeting with Owner Jason Moore, Owens said, �Yes, I would like the ball on every play, but more than anything I just want to win. I also wouldn�t mind knocking Geriatric Rice on his fanny.� With Owens toeing the line, the Cubists had no internal friction to worry about. They did have a bit more to worry about when Coroner QB Rich Gannon and WR Tim Brown started connecting for numerous scores. Each had an all pro day with Gannon leading the Coroner way with 25 points on three scores and two of them going to Brown who had his season high with 19. The Coroners have received 20 or more points from the QB slot for three straight weeks. LB William Thomas, who had a rough pre-week, also had a fine game with 12 points. The other Coroners did help out Owner Chad G. Nuss much. Rice and his Giant buddies in the offensive flex totaled just 5 points and Cam Cleeland failed to score again. RB Tyrone Wheatley returned to the line up, only to have his TD go to the benched Zach Crockett. What a shame. The team also received a season low 4 points from K Sebastian Janakowski, who somehow earned the ire of Moore. The Cubist owner, displaying a sharp tongue that had been placed in his cheek up until this point in the season, said, �It was a pleasure to see Jeff Wilkins (10 points) kick the crap out of that fat drug addict on the other team. By the way, does anyone else find it strange that Mr. Nuss is so enamored of a Polish sausage? I'm sure Freud would have something to say about it.� No one is sure what exactly ticked Moore off so much, but some think it is Nuss�s repeated denials of trade talks including Jeff Garcia and/or Tom Brady. In any case, the polish sausage reference seemed to be a bit of a non-sequitar since no one can honestly tell me that they don�t like a new, juicy polish sausage. Oh, the phallic thing � I see, that�s a bit too high brow for the Modano recaps so we�ll live it where it hangs. The Cubists received a number of stand up performances, but the biggest came from the stiff running of RB Dominic (pronounced by some as Dominique) Rhodes. Rhodes penetrated the end zone twice and had 18 points. The Cubist offensive flex, in general, was hard to beat with a team high 43 points, including 12 from Troy Brown and 13 from Woody Dunn. All of the members of the offensive flex were presented with game balls. The aforementioned Owens scored once and had 12 points and late replacement Aaron Brooks had another score and 14 points. The Cubist D, which is once again the lowest rated in the league, provided just 14 points with Ronde Barber going to el Bano with just one point. Moore, who seems to remember Memento being pretty good, said he has the eyes on the prize: �For Christmas this year, I would like Santa to lay The Modano mi Hermano trophy under my tree (but I could do without the Missner beating), of course. Isn't that what everybody wants?�
Bull City Bears 88 P-Miss Envy 74 While the calendar said Week 12, for the Bears-Envy match up, those wacky TV people could have easily put the tape of Week 3 in the player and let it go. No one would have known. The Bears were coming off of a loss and the Envy hoped to claw their way up to respectability. After witnessing a huge performance from the Bear combo of Culpepper to Moss in Week 11, the Envy defensive coordinators game planned to take them out, much as they had done in Week 3. With the Chicago Bears on their side, the Envy did just that. Owner Perry Missner said, �I wasn�t going to let that behemoth QB and punk-assed WR beat us.� And the Chicago Bears did shut down Moss and Culpepper with the combo netting only 6 points. Moss could have doubled the total at least, if he had bothered to �catch the damn ball.� Curiously, Moss found a defender in ESPN�s Joe Theisman. Drop after drop, Theisman made excuses for Moss like �well, that one hit him in the hands, but it hit him in the hands awkwardly� or �Daunte has to throw that ball a bit softer so that Randy�s hands are not chafed.� After hearing such garbage, it is amazing to think that Theisman himself used to actually play football. The annoying announced who likes to tell the audience �what happened on that play� now seems to be in love with his own voice more than anything else. Hopefully, the Bears won�t be on Sunday night football again so I won�t have the displeasure of listening to those three �should have, could have, would have� idiots. Owner Randy Chambers, who told everyone he was Bill Belichick from the Browns era this week, even showed displeasure with his two Viking keepers. He was very happy with his one replacement player, RB Antowain Smith, who ran like a bee was chasing him for 21 points on two TD�s. The Bear OF was furthered down the road by RB Shaun Alexander who had 12. WR Jimmy Smith snorted up another TD and scored 10. The Bear D came up large with 27 points as well. For the Envy, some of the play was good, but the team seemed to be without its locomotion. On Friday, Anthony �A-train� Thomas was declared doubtful after he had been questionable all week. On Sunday, he didn�t play and QB Jim Miller seemed to miss him. Both had zeros for the week. Missner did receive a nice surprise from former Badger WR Chris Chambers who had two long scores late in his game to notch an 18 point performance. WR Curtis Conway also had a TD and ended up with 9 points. Besides K Jose Cortez return to prominence with 14, the Envy did not score very much. RB Eddie George who was huge last year has been a big disappointment. He only had four points. WR Torry Holt, who could have won the game with a huge game on Monday night, scored 10 points, which just wasn�t enough. With 6 games left to play and four games out of first place, Missner is said to be considering looking to 2002 and blowing up the Envy as we know them. Chambers, who was first in line in North Carolina to see Harry Potter, said, �It wasn't pretty, but a win is a win. I knew P-miss's Bears would be confused playing against the BC Bears, but this kind of dominance was unexpected. Fortunately, Bill Belichick added a shrewd move, by putting Antowain Smith in the lineup, using his Pats connection.� As for Christmas, Chambers said, �All I want from Santa is a championship. I've been the bridesmaid 3 times in 4 years.� And that dress ain�t lookin� any better on you.
Syracuse 44�s 110 Peaks Island Wookies 65 Without anybody�s help, the 44�s are holding their own and keeping up with the Joneses of the league. Early in the season, the team placed the scoring burden on the shoulders of QB Donovan McNabb and he was up to the task, but it is a long season and to ask for such production would be sheer folly. While McNabb has cooled off some, the 44�s have found new avenues of scoring. In Week 12, it was the offensive flex who took the oxen yoke and pushed the team to their 7th victory in a win over the woeful Peaks Island Wookies. Owner John Stoer, who enjoyed the length Sunshine, gave the game ball to RB Garrison Hearst who had led the team with 19 points on two TD�s, but he could have given it to any of the members of the offensive flex if he so chose. RB Tiki Barber proved that Stoer knew what he was talking about a few weeks back by scoring 16 points on a TD and WR Kevin Johnson finished the fine trio with another 13 points. In all, the 48 offensive flex points were a season high for the 44�s and the tied the second highest total of the year. WR Marvin Harrison also proved he could score without Donovan as he turned in a 14 point performance. The other stand out 44 was K Jason Elam who scored 16 points to become the first league kicker to have two all-pro performances as he tied his own team high. McNabb was able to score 5 points a season low and was equaled by starting RB Duce Staley. The only problem point on the team is TE Wesley Walls, who Stoer said, �is close to being cut.� Walls seems determined to score every week he is on the bench and put up a zero when he is in the line up. The 44�s who once had the top TE rating have only received 1 point from the position in 5 weeks and three straight weeks of naught. Maybe the signing of Eddie Williams will help. The 44 was defense was led by all-Modano team member Donovin Darius who had 8 crisp points. On the Christmas theme, Stoer said, �I'd say 'Good Will towards Man' but I'm sure the ever-pleasant Jamo will say that, [but he didn�t � and that is where you fail] so I'll just say a couple of new CD's.� Not much went right for the Wookies this past week as they were blown out for the 4th time. They did get three TD�s (one each from Jake Plummer, Ricky Williams and Shannon Sharpe who tied his season high with 9 points), but for Owner Will Mitchell there wasn�t much reason to smile. Mitchell saw his offensive flex do the opposite of the 44 flex, that is not score. Only Johnny Morton�s single point kept them from getting the golden sombrero. That tied the Coroner record for OF futility. The Wookie defense did play well with 26 points led by Lawyer Milloy�s 11. Mitchell could have used the 16 points Mike Alstott scored from the bench. Mitchell didn�t comment directly on the game, but behind closed doors he was heard yelling, �Bah humbug!� This was the 4th time the 44�s had scored 100 or more points. Stoer commenting on the win by saying, �Team yo-yo seems to be back in action. My Eagles disappointed against a tough Skins team- ahhh- but my flex boys picked up some of their slack. Garrison [a former Wookie who was rescued for Drew Bledsoe] really wanted this one.�
Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 72 Einar�s Luvable Losers 46 The two members of the league who have the most limited access to the media played a game that no one is likely to remember. The Losers, who had more at stake, hardly showed up at all and the team�s Owner, Steve �the Einar� Olsen, was said to be practicing his N*Sync dance steps during the game in his luxury box. In a recent poll in People magazine, 46% of respondents thought that Dancin� Einar was the funny looking N*Sync member, while 42% thought he was the gay one. The other 12% thought he was the good looking one who was dating Britney Spears, although 100% of the respondents were unhappy that they hadn�t gone �all the way� yet. Needless to say, the Einar�s focus is certainly not where it should be � and that�s on his Losers who are still in the championship race despite the awful Week 12 play. Almost nothing went right for Losers as they had the second lowest total of the year and the lowest in franchise history. The team only scored one TD from Kurt Warner but he had enough turnovers to allow him only 6 points. RB LaDainian Tomlinson also had 6 points. The Loser D played fairly with 20 points led by Troy Vincent�s 5. Sadly, the team did not get much from Isaac Bruce who scored 1 or Marcus Pollard who also scored 1. The Loser OF also had its worst day with just 8 points. WR Marty Booker refused to score for someone who actually roots for the Packers. Booker has stated that he would like to be traded to a team that would really value his skills and said he didn�t like being compared to that has been Sterling Sharpe. Owner Rob Ouaou has never been compared to a Sharpe and he is glad about that. He was also glad that his team notched their first blowout win of the season and only the second in franchise history. This may be the time of year that Ouaou�s hands off approach starts to work in his favor. Ouaou went with the same entire line up in Week 12 as in Week 11 including LB Marvin Jones who was by the bye. Jones said he would have been happy to play but he had eaten a bit too much turkey and just couldn�t be bothered. Some of the happy surprises that came in the lowest scoring game of the year included the play of RB Michael Anderson who figured to be benched for Priest Holmes but got his chance to shine on Thanksgiving. With no other healthy backs in Denver, Anderson was the man as he scored 13 points on a TD. Another happy accident was Jason Brookins who scored 15 points, but was put out to stud after the game with a broken leg. Bye bye Jason. David Boston helped to contribute to a Devil high OF score of 32 points with 14 of his own. Boston has been incredible this season playing for a dog team, although he hasn�t complained about it at all. Peyton Manning grossed the other team out with his broken jaw and grossed Ouaou out with 6 points although he did score a TD. LB Derrick Brooks had his first double digit game in a long time as he notched 11 points. While Ouaou was not available for comment after the game, his first captain, Mr. Pepe was. Mr. Pepe said, �This is a big win for us because we felt like the Einar didn�t respect us. Sure, we are not in a boy band nor can any of us sing, but we can play football.� Mr. Pepe said that the line up will not change but the wins will keep coming.
Inbred Brentful Brents 83 Weaselicious Cookies 63 If anyone can remember back to Week 3, the Brents Cookies battle seem to have some importance. Here were the top two teams in the league coming off of big wins and each team had potential lavished all over them. Oh, how the season has gone wrong. Owner Steve Johnson boldly bet the house on a man name James only to watch his cards crumble like a torn ACL. Owner Dan Weitz put his maniacal daughter Amber in charge and she proceeded to run the team ragged in practice, so when it came to game time they had no energy left. The battle of the two sides of Oshkosh was waged again with the Spartans falling just short of the Something nee Indians. The Brents took control of the game early as QB Brent Farf and RB A-hole Green caused a number of people indigestion by scoring often and together on Thanksgiving. Johnson had the audaciousness to give them both the game ball. Sadly, Bull Scroter did not play so well and only scored 2. In fact, there was a report by the Football Publishers Weekly that Farf has lost confidence in Scroter and won�t be throwing to him as much. Poor Scrote. The Brent D played well led by R.W. McQuarters 6 points. The worst tight end position in the game did get a TD from Dwayne Carswell but he fumbled to lower his total to three points. Johnson, who couldn�t �think of any movies Ive seen, but I bet that Potter flick is a delightful romp,� thought that part of the reason his team had not been doing well was because he didn�t have the newest high tech gadgetry so he asked Santa for �A new 'puter to be a more efficient FF owner and a winning season.� The former seems more likely than the latter. Weitz returned to his Einar obsession, along with the Einar-Spears rumor going around Ripon, with almost all of his comments. For Christmas, he wanted �NBA live 2002 so I can start humiliating the einar again with a new game or a Ping Pong table again to humiliate the Einar.� Well, it is not happening in Modano so he might as well concentrate on other areas. Weitz did take time out of his Einar obsessed rambling to praise LB Chad Brown � the former Brent scored 18 points in his first all pro performance. Willie Jackson scored a TD from Brian Griese as the two combined for 20 points. So, 20 points from those two plus 18 from Brown � that doesn�t leave much left for the rest of the Cookies. Even Marshall Faulk was held down as he only scored 5 points as Weitz once again called him a puss and said that he could have never have been in the year�s best film, �The Best of Backyard Wrestling.� TE David Sloan didn�t score which marked yet another 0 from that slot for the Cookies. They only have 1 TE point in the last four weeks. Weitz summed up his season and his franchise history by pointing the finger at his players: �My guys Suck!!!!!� The only player who resented that was one time Weitz favorite Emmitt Smith who has been rotting on the Cookie bench. Smith scored 0 for the week. Johnson was slightly more upbeat in his summation: �It just proves that OWHS is superior.� This may be true, but it will never be true of the orchestra.
Week 13 previews - There are a number of interesting match ups in this, the unluckiest of weeks. The Bears and Cubists are on top of the pile, so we will start with them. The Bears head out to play the Weaselicious Cookies with revenge on their mind. The Cookies stunted the Bears growth in Week 4 with a 76-68 win. The Bears have benched WR Jimmy Smith because they heard he might be on the drugs and have put Randy Moss who plays like he is on the drugs in his line up. They have also left Antowain Smith in there to repeat his 21 point outburst. Shah right. The Cookies, like many of the league�s teams have not changed their line up and if they don�t will be without a WR since Amani Toomer is on the bye. Summing up all things, Owner Dan Weitz said, �Did I mention I hate Fantasy football!!!! F**k It� Owner Randy Chambers clearly did not have his mind on the Cookies when he said, �Must stay ahead of Cubists. Must stay ahead of Cubists.. Must stay a, Cubists, Cubists. aghh.� Those Cubists play the P-Miss Envy in another bout for revenge. The Envy captured an exciting come from behind win, 89-87, in Week 4 despite being without many of their regulars. There will be no Weinke magic this week though. Steve �Austin� McNair finally returns to the starting spot after scoring about 100 points in the last 4 weeks. RB Eddie George has been benched as Owner Perry Missner goes with a kiddie crew in the offensive flex. Hopefully, the A-train will be healthy enough to play. There are no line up changes for the Cubists, but that doesn�t mean that Owner Jason Moore is overlooking the Envy. After calming himself down after the Janakowski outburst, Moore said, �The Envy are the best 4-7 team I've ever seen, and nobody in this locker room is forgetting that one of those four came against us.� Oh, and the Envy thought they could sneak up on the Cubists again. Darn. In what has become the Manning Bowl, the Brents and Devils face off. QB Payton Manning has vowed to produce record amounts of points against the team that surrounded him by inbred hill billy morons for the early part of the season. Whether Devils Owner Rob Ouaou changes his line up to get some healthy bodies is another story. TE Freddie Jones didn�t play last week and Jason Brookins is out with a broken leg. Manning will need a full complement of weapons to defeat the Brents. Owner Steve Johnson, who noted �My old nemesis returns. Bre[n]t will bitch slap that whiny Archy�s boy� set Farf laughing uproariously because �Johnson said bitch.� Johnson has put Cris Carter in the corner with the other whiny bitches, but has a triumvirate of Peckers in the starting line up. Ugh. He is also going to test Kris Brown�s leg. The 44�s are another team with vengeance in mind as Owner John Stoer did not appreciate the early season comments of Coroners Owner Chad Nuss. He said,� This week has been circled on the calendar for a few weeks now. I'd be surprised if Donovan "Chunky Soup" McNabb doesn't kick some West Coast Raider-lovin' ass.� Can he say �ass?� The 44�s will try TE Eric Williams and welcome back James �Little Man� Stewart against the Coroners who still have two Giants, Dayne and Hilliard, in their line up. As if to send a message to the Coroners, 44 RB Tiki Barber flattened Nuss favorite Charles Woodson on a run last week. DB Donovin Darius should get a pick or two on Monday night. Finally, there is the curious case of the Losers vs. the Wookies. Neither owner commented on their fortunes this past week and neither has changed their line up. That could be a problem for Owner Will Mitchell who will have to do without DL Michael Strahan. The Losers won the first match up 107-45.
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