County Coroners 104 Bull City Bears 104 As of Sunday night, the County Coroners had built what they thought was an insurmountable 67 point lead on the top team in Modano, Owner Randy Chambers� (although he likes to think of himself as Bud Carson) Bull City Bears. The Coroners, as always, leaned heavily on the Oakland Raider. And the Raiders came through for them. QB Rich Gannon had his finest day of the year with 32 points on 4 TD�s. And what made Owner Chad Nuss even happier was that he threw all of his scores to other Coroner members. Nuss even imagines himself as a Raider: �NUSS # 24. Droppin back in coverage and WHAP BANG, Takin heads off, flying around like a tomahawk missile. Three TD passes went to the ageful Jeriatric Rice who also had his finest day his the late 80�s with 26 points. Tim Brown snatched the other Gannon pass for a TD and 11 points. To finish off each TD, K Sebastian Janakowski nailed four PAT�s and added two FG�s to total 11 points. The only other Coroner to score a TD was WR Laverneus Coles who has been playing well recently. His TD, which turned out to be a pivotal one, netted him 8 points. Coles also helped the OF to a season high of 35. The Neil portion of the defense played ok with 15 points, but an injured Rodney Harrison did not make the trip with the team although he was in the starting line up. Nuss said, �I left him in as a statement to the rest of the league.� And if David Spade were here, he would say, �and that statement was�� The Bear Sunday play was not exactly stellar. RB Shaun Alexander led the team with its only TD and 13 points. No one else was able to manage more than 7 points with particularly poor play from TE Booger Frankfurter who didn�t manage to score, block well, wear his jockstrap properly (5 extra laps), or remember to feed his fish which died because of his memory lapse. It was a frustrating Sunday for Chambers, but for some odd reason he remained confident because of his Monday night Vikings who were facing the New York Giants and the supposedly outstanding defense. Chambers, who has said �if I were a football player I would like to be a defensive lineman, wearing #99. Jason Buck was wearing #99 when he recovered Emmitt's fumble in the end zone and Sto would be there to cheer me on!� told QB Daunte Culpepper to throw it to Randy Moss until he catches a TD. Culpepper completed his mission and hit Moss three times along with another TD to the only guy in the NFL who is Mike Lupica�s class as far as being a whiny bitch goes. Culpepper ended up with 26 points and his 4th all pro game. Moss�s 31 points were his first all pro performance and enough to get Chambers to give him the game ball as well as call him �baybee.� The 48 offensive flex points from the Bears were the second highest total this year (after their 73 point assault last week). Moss and Culpepper also gave the Bears the lead in the Keepers race. Yet, for all of their outstanding play (along with Michael Barrow�s 10 points for the D), they were only able to equal the 104 Coroner points (a season high) and fell one TD short of beating them. Chambers was still proud of his squad: �Our guys showed tremendous heart. Randy & Daunte were throwing themselves reckless on Monday night, even chalking up a tackle apiece! I told Randy that Jerriatric Rice had taunted him Sunday evening, calling him "Randi". The Moss King accepted the challenge of achieving the impossible, and as far as I'm concerned, pulled off the Monday Night Miracle. If Daunte gets four more yards rushing or Barrow gets one more tackle, we put up 68 points on Monday and win. This team has the heart of a champion!� He then incited an instant rivalry with the Coroners by adding, �Marty Schottenheimer would never have lost to the Raiders.� These teams do meet again. Nuss, apparently not within earshot of the Bear locker room said, �I must say that I rule. Sorry to that team this weekend, I'm sure it hurt bad....but yah can't fade the Raidahs.�
Einar�s Luvable Losers 130 San Francisco Cubists 110 Some people around Camp Einar had thought the beluved owner of Einar�s Luvable Losers had spread himself too thin with his many outside projects, that the Losers were falling into disrepair. The once first place team had fallen a game out of first and had not been playing well at all. Of course, the main part of the Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen�s life is his continuing effort to get up to speed with the other members of N*Sync. Sure, he can hit the high notes fine, but it�s that 1-2-1-3-1-2 step that is bogging him down. Then there is his fantasy basketball team which is currently residing in first place and separating itself from the other teams in the league. Yet, there the Einar was on the sideline of his big match against the San Francisco Cubists and his presence seemed to buoy the team. QB Kurt Warner had been struggling but he corrected a few things Sunday and his 4th all pro performance with 22 points and 3 TD�s. Warner hit WR Isaac Bruce for 9 points worth of yards, but his main target was WR Marty Booker who took three long passes to the big house for scores. Bookers� 29 points led the Losers and helped the Bears beat Tampa (in Tampa a place where the Packers lost) handily. It was Booker�s second all pro game. TE Marcus Pollard, once known as the buddy in the Manning & the Little Man show, tied the season record with 14 points on one TD. LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Freekman (in a losing effort to the always problematic Falcons � who the Bears beat handily) also scored TD�s. The Loser D played well collectively with a combined 31 points, but other than Troy Vincent�s 7, we wouldn�t want to give too much credit to any of them. The one low spot of the team was K Olindo Mare�s play. For the first time this season, a kicker was shut out. Mare couldn�t even get a touchback on his one kickoff. Meanwhile, backup K David Akers had 21 points. The 130 Loser points were a franchise high and on a better day would have constituted an easy blow out. But such was not the case, as the Cubists did not want to give a share of first place to the Losers easily. QB Aaron Brooks pleased Owner Jason Moore particularly with his finest day of the year. Brooks, who earned the game ball from Moore, scored 27 points on three TD�s for his third all pro performance. Moore was also impressed and he fashions himself as a #7 QB in the NFL �because it just seems right.� WR Terrell Owens has continued to play well with another all pro performance (his 5th) and 18 points. Owens and replacement TE Eric Johnson both scored in the waning moments of the 49ers victory against Carolina. The Cubist defense also had its best day led by DB Ronde Barber�s 15. Barber had many chances to make tackles on Sunday because he was burned repeatedly. The Cubist offense flex was not so strong as well with only 19 points on no TD�s. Moore, reflecting attention away from his own team and the fact that they had the highest losing scoring in Modano history (upping the ante from the Bears� 104 points in a loss to the Cubists in 2000), said, �Marty Booker and Marcus Pollard killed us. We had several good individual performances, but it was just one of those days. I was just happy to be involved in the highest scoring game in Modano history.� The 240 points in this game eclipsed the Cubists and Cookies record in 2000 of 239 points. Either Terry Glanville or Jerry Bradshaw said that the difference was just one point.
Weaselicious Cookies 61 Syracuse 44�s 60 With the Bears on their way to a seemingly inevitable loss and the Cubists losing on Sunday, Owner John Stoer knew his Syracuse 44�s had a chance to claw back into the title race with a win against the Weaselicious Cookies. It�s hard to pin a label on the Cookies. While they certainly haven�t been successful, when one looks at their franchise history, 2001 is certainly their most successful year. They have already equaled the win totals of two of their years and their most successful year was the 6 wins they had in 2000. So, they aren�t the gimme they once were. Nevertheless, Owner Dan Weitz depends far too much on Marshall Faulk because the rest of his team is nearly talentless. Faulk had his third all pro performance with 15 points on 1 TD, but he was the all pro in this game. The Cookies now have the top rated RB slot. QB Brian Griese who no longer has any WR�s to throw to had 10 points and so did K Mike Vanderjagt. The offensive flex of Maurice, Darnay and Willie had just 8 points. TE Frank Wycheck had 1 point while back up David Sloan had two point blank TD�s for 12. The defensive flex also had yet another off day with 13 points. Dexter Coakley, who was pronounced out for the weekend�s game last Wednesday, was still in the line up come Sunday. Of course, he didn�t score. Weitz wasn�t impressed with any of his team�s players, so decided to give the game ball to Jennifer Aniston who apparently will do anything for money and has become the Cookies solitary cheerleader. Maybe Allie McBeal will join her to make Jenny look fat. Weitz lost 1000 points for originality by picking 69 as his number, then insisting that it was a quarterback�s number. Maybe 6.9, but not 69. Speaking of Allie McBeal, the 44�s came out completely flat on Sunday. Last Sunday�s dynamic duo of Donovan McNabb and Marvin Harrison were a dynamic dud as the two only combined of 11 points. The 44 offensive flex only came up with 18 points, but was led by the resurgent Duce Staley who scored 8 points � all on yards. TE Alge Crumpler, who was an inspired pick up and play as the Falcons threw to him numerous times, failed to score, while TE Wesley Walls ensured no one likes him because he always scores when he is on the bench. It was the 4th time this season that the 44�s have received nothing from their tight end. K Jason Elam had 5 points but that was enough to remind Stoer of his place in the game. �If I was an NFL player,� said Stoer, �I'd be a kicker and I'd wear number 2. Explanation? I'm 5'9" and 150lbs, what the hell else am I going to play?� The game was still somewhat in doubt going into Monday night with the Cookies holding a 57-44 advantage. 44�s RB Tiki Barber, once a Cookie with his twin brother, did score a TD and 12 points. He was given the game ball by Stoer. Cookie WR Amani Toomer had 4 points to give his team a 5 point advantage with only Jason Sehorn left. Sehorn only scored 4 points and was subsequently cut by the 44�s. An angry Sehorn told Stoer, �You�re just jealous because I am boinking Angie Harmon.� A confused Stoer looked right at the camera, brought his eyebrows together, threw his hands up in the air and said, �boinking?� In the post game press conference, Stoer did not comment on the Sehorn situation but threw a lob over to the Cookie coaching staff. �Championship teams win games even when they play poorly. As this proves, we are not yet of championship caliber. That's all I can say without turning into a raving, potty-mouthed lunatic like some of my fellow coaches.� In his post game press conference, Weitz lapsed back into Einar obsessiveness. �Did I say that I hate the Einar and his luck [cow puckey] now its caring over to fantasy b-ball. I think he might be an al-quida operative. I also hate the Dude!!!!!!� Weitz is a love festival.
Peaks Island Wookies 87 Inbred Brentful Brents 79 If there is one thing that Owner Steve Johnson can take stock in, it�s that his Inbred Brentful Brents did not get blown out for the 5th time in a row. No, they didn�t win and the Packers lost and the Bears and Vikings won, but the Brents did not get blown out. Since handing the reins of the team to QB Brent Farf, the team has fallen faster than Vanilla Ice�s acting career. Farf�s inept play was even enough for special correspondent Owner Will Mitchell to scribble something down for the media to use in this recap: �Lame announcer in Packers game talking about Brent, �Brent needs to relax. That�s one of those forced balls he tries to throw in there with a lot of mustard on it. He had Scrote wide open over here but he didn't even look. He's going to get himself in trouble.� The next play is an ugly pass that gets picked off. The lame announcer, who could have easily been Troy Aikman, says �You see, that�s exactly what I'm talking about.�� Speaking of lame announcers, say what you want about the Dennis Miller-MNF experiment. Sure, Miller is sometimes annoying but at least sometimes he is clever and he never spouts clich�s like Aikman constantly does. Do I really need Aikman to tell me that the momentum has shifted because one team scored a TD. Good lord, my cat could tell me that and he�s never even been to a Super Bowl. Aikman may have been a fine player but he has nothing to say. Nothing! Anyway, Farf threw three interceptions, lost a fumble, cost his team a game and scored 8 points. He did manage to throw one of TD�s to fellow Brent Scrote. By the way, what is the deal with Scrote and Freekman�s endzone public display of affection. They are putting the fudge into packer. Brent WR Joe Horn had a fine game with 9 points and inspired pickup DB Kwame Lassiter helped the cause with 14 points. Sadly, A-hole Green only scored 6 and TE Dwayne Carswell did score to further the Brent TE futility. At least Byron Chamberlain is coming on board to change things. Johnson said that he would like to suit up for his team in the tight end position. �On offense, Id go with TE. I�m not a speedster but like the quick passing, short bump off game plan. #88, my grad year. For D, it�s all linebackers baby! Breakdown that O and hit hard. Whose other number than the best LB ever, Singletary's 50. Yas gots to give him his due. Besides, Nitschke was to damn ugly.� So true. RB Lamar Smith, who has been a big bust, scored 3 points and prompted Johnson to say, �Lamar, I gave you all of my faith and you just plan gave up.� The Wookies got their second win of the season (and in three weeks) on the strong arm of QB Jake Plummer. Plummer threw for 4 TD�s and 32 points. He also handed off well to RB Ricky Williams who had 17 points to tie his own high and notch his third all pro performance. Johnny Morton scored 10 points and K John Carney had a nice game with another 10. Although the team won, it wasn�t because of their defense. Only Jason Taylor scored and the three DF points represents a new season low. Commenting on his team�s fifth loss in a row, Johnson said, �Career day for Jake the Snake Plisken. Ill just have to start spouting the 'its how you play the game' speeches from now on. 'Good job everybody. You gave it your all. Now everyone gets a Juicy Juice and fruit cup!'�
P-Miss Envy 122 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 74 This battle of likely also-rans became a runaway as Perry Missner�s P-Miss Envy used the Jim Miller long ball to defeat the Walnut Creek Mountain Devils. The Envy still have the worst rated QB slot, but Miller�s 22 points on three long TD bombs brought it back to respectability. Fox Commentator John Madden cracked, �The Bears are using the long ball well � pow, pow, pow.� Partner Pat Summerall agreed, in his own crackling fashion, and reminded how in the next week the game would feature more shots of a grotesque 6-legged turkey than of the actual NFL game. Both Summerall and Madden seemed to have a lot of phlegm on Sunday which made some viewers wonder if they were passing a roach. Disenchanted back up Steve �Austin� McNair scored 12 point after being promised the starting slot. McNair has said that Envy management can forget about resigning him next season. McNair said, �I want $25 million per season or else my children won�t respect me.� The Envy defense almost broke it own record for excellent in achievement by scoring 47 points. Both Brian Urlacher (16 pts) and Jeremiah Trotter (20 pts) had their second all pro performance and Ray Lewis chipped in 11 points to edge his way into the top ten of linebackers. It was only the second time this season that a team has received double digits from all of its defensive flex members (the first being the 44�s in Week 10). The offensive flex found innovative ways to score. WR Derrick Mason scored on a kickoff return and had 12. WR Curtis Conway scored on a reverse and had 12. WR Torry Holt and TE Jay Riemersma also scored TD�s as Missner used up the remaining bits of karma he had left. Actually, the Missner bank of karma should be empty because he used a lot of it in having the best week in ESPN�s Pickskin Pick�em in the country. Missner, who would like to be any position they would allow him to wear Walter Payton�s 34, picked 14 out of 15 games right (damn niners) and had a 28-16 score on Monday night. Not too shabby. The 122 points were the highest score in Envy/McNair/Pancake history and the Envy now sport a fine two game winning streak. The Devils, in their own meandering way, did not play terribly. For example, the kicking position was one of pride. Starter Jay Feely had a beautiful 12 points on the turf of Lambeau Field to help defeat the Packers. Backup Martin Gramatica also had 12 points but was nice enough to clank his game-tying effort against the Bears off the right goal post. It was nice to not have to see that dwarf run around like he had invented the steam engine or something. WR David Boston has been having an excellent season and he had his best game in Week 11 with 17 points on two TD�s. DB Ray Buchanan helped the cause with 11 points including a fabulous Farf pick off. QB Payton Manning got points for ingenuity with his fake spike, then crazed running for an almost TD. Payton had his first non-all pro game with the Devils but managed to get 11 points to keep the double digit streak alive. TE Fred Jones did not score to give the Devils their 4th 0 from the position. Keeper LB Derrick Brooks continued to not earn his status with just 2 points. At 3-7, Owner Rob Ouaou is doing an ok job, but he would get much better reviews if he would open his locker room to the press. Let us here from you, Rob!
Week 12 previews - With the short week due to Thanksgiving, teams are trying to prepare the best they can. Of course, if you an NFL team like the Packers, you can�t use the Thanksgiving game as an excuse for tanking to the Falcons and even worse losing to the Lions. Well, we can hope. None of the three 7-3 teams play each other, but there is a lot of controversy swirling around the Coroners and Cubists match up. With the Coroners just two games out of first place, it seems that Terrell Owens has something to say, no matter who you talk to. Owner Jason Moore said, �Terrell Owens and Tony Gonzalez are excited to face the Coroners... they both contributed to that organization in the past, but management never gave them the respect they gave the Raider players. Looks like I'm a New York Giants fan this week..� While somehow, Owner Chad G. Nuss got a personal interview with his former player and came out with these results, �I had a chance to speak with Terrell Owens in the Cubist locker room and I quote..."I dunno what Jason "the Mooch" Moore is thunking, he's got dis buddy system with the Coroners and other coaches in the league. I think it'll ruin our chances of winning this weekend. I mean come on man, get some balls, and let me loose." TO was at the center of a controversy 3 years ago with a highly disputed trade with the coroners. TO..."I'll never forget that the Coroners let me go, and unless Mooch keeps running the ball, I'm comin after them." From the Dallas Star to the Cubists-Coroners rivalry, Owens will be in the center. Moore ruffled some other feathers by benching QB Aaron Brooks and inserting Chris Chandelier. Brooks had been playing very well, but Moore fears Bill Belicheck. The Coroners introduce the league to LB William Thomas, a �surprise- Raider. The Cubists won in week 3, 72-51 the second lowest scoring game this year, only lowered by this week�s Cookies-44�s game, and hold a 5-1 advantage in the series history. The high-flying Bull City Bears look down the standings to play the hot P-Miss Envy. Owner Randy Chambers said, �I know P-miss is shaking in his boots. The team called the Bears is in town and P-miss knows that even another 120 point performance does not guarantee him victory.� First of all, Owner Perry Missner doesn�t wear boots. Secondly, he knows that nothing guarantees victory, except a two-headed coin. The Bears are without RB Curtis Martin and will go with Antowain Smith. The Envy are playing the same line up as in Week 11 with the addition of WR Chris Chambers. The Envy lead the series 4-3, but the Bears won the first match up, 83-70. Einar�s Luvable Losers head off to play the WC Mountain Devils in a match up of media shirkers. Yeah, we know you are so busy that you could not possibly take the two minutes to fill out the form. Of course, everyone else found time in Week 11. The Losers have inserted David Akers in a week too late and the Devils have not changed their line up. Maybe Priest Holmes will be back, maybe not. LB Marvin Jones will be enjoying a turkey whether he is in the line up or not. The once promising season of the Inbred Brentful Brents can take another step toward awfulville as they play city rival Weaselicious Cookies. The Brents lead the series 3-2, but have lost 5 in a row. Owner Dan Weitz, forgetting about the Einar for once, said, �Bring on the Hillbilly moron!!!! After his turnover laden last performance even my crappy defense can score some points. This week he'll blame Sterling Sharpe for his miscues.� Sharpe or perhaps James Lofton. The Cookies have inserted former Brent Chad Brown into the lineup while the Brents will make use of former Cookies R.W. McQuarters. Finally, there are the Syracuse 44�s and Peaks Island Wookies. The 44�s need a win to get back into the top race. The Wookies need a win for respect. Owner John Stoer, who if you remember from a couple of paragraphs ago chastised the ruder owners said, �Since my boys seem to play well one week and [flicking] [darn tootin�] [sausage eating] [poopy] the next, hopefully we'll have a good week this week.� He is sure to get 100% out of DB Donovin �Diamond� Darius who knows how to win championships and is glad to be back in the league. Owner Will Mitchell looks like he is going with the same line up that got him the Week 11 win, but one wonders why he keeps player DL Queer Katchatootie who has only scored one points in three starts for the team. The 44�s won in Week 3, but the Wookies hold a 3-1 advantage in the series.
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