Weasilicious Good Cookies 87 Peaks Island Wookies 87 The season opened up in Weasilicious with dire predictions being made about the home team. Only Owner Dan Weitz was trumpeting the Cookie cause by proclaiming himself to be the favorite to win the Modano Mi Hermano trophy. Even eldest daughter Amber gave the truth, when Daddy wasn't around. "Cookies suck," she whispered conspiratorially. Yes, there was Marshall Faulk and Brian Griese was fine when healthy, but a further look down the roster did not reveal too much in the cupboard. Sunday revealed a team that did not have much as well. Faulk had a decent game with 13 and J.J. Stokes made his suspect starting position more solid with 12, but the rest of the team did squat. The Cookie defense, long known as the worst in the league, scored a league low 7 points. The Wookies, on the other hand, started the season firing. QB Drew Bledsoe is on a mission to show that 2000 was just a fluke. He fired for 20 points and set up his new favorite receiver, Mooshy Muhammed, again and again. Mooshy added 10 points. Ricky Williams looks to be back as he ran ape for 13 points and the Wookies took a 26-point bulge into the Monday night affair. Owner Will Mitchell thought he had this one in the bag with two Broncos left to go including Cookie QB favorite target Rod Smith. After lighting a fat stogie, Mitchell opined, "While it is within the realm of possibility that we might lose, a doubt it. How often is Bledsoe going to score a score and the Wookies lose?" His rhetoric question was answered by the Monday night Cookie combo now known as Greasy Tumor - which happens to be the least likely name for any tasty treat. Cookie QB Griese showed off his many weapons as the Broncos abandoned the running game for which they are known and threw for TD after TD. With each Greasy TD, the lead shrank. Mitchell began to fret. Then Amani Toomer became the endzone man with two more TD's. Mitchell began to sweat. Rod Smith did get into the endzone once and when Easy Ed went down for the count with a broken leg, Mitchell let out a sigh. He must have assumed that Griese would not throw to anyone but Smith, but once again he was wrong. Griese finished with a league high 29 points and Toomer added 17. Rod Smith had 14 and Terrell Davis had 6. (29+17) - (14+6) according to the latest findings in higher mathematics is 26. The bulge had been flattened and even higher mathematics were called in to deduce who won the tiebreaker. With 7 TD's the Cookies were named the winner. Weitz handed the game ball to Faulk and told Greasy to join Kerry Collins for an AA meeting in an hour. Weitz crowed, "I thought I was sick of underachieving and I thought that Einar had infected my team. Thank god I have a Greasy Tumor. I am sure to be undefeated this season." If memory serves, Weitz made the same claim after Week 1 last year.
Brentful Brents 105 Syracuse 44's 102 Speaking of underachieving 2000 teams, this game featured a pair of them. The Brents and 44's had off seasons in 2000 due to many different reasons. The Brents never got used to not having Brent. The 44's suffered numerous devastating injuries, but learned that Donovan is the man and so much more. Both teams were feeling upbeat for the start of a new season. Yet controversy swirled around the Brent clubhouse as starting QB Peyton Manning continued his silent treatment toward Owner Steve Johnson since Johnson picked Brent Farf in the draft. He wouldn't even speak during the game as he would simply line up behind center and wait for the ball to arrive. He did play well with 19 points, but he clearly doesn't want to be a Brent anymore. Brent Farf had fluketastic game with 20 points which happens to be a score 5 points higher than his IQ. Farf, who only has a rudimentary grasp of language, said, "Me can do it" then went back to trying to learn how to eat cereal by himself like a big boy. Fellow Brent member A-man Green had a fluky game as well as he broke two long runs against the weak Lion defense in the first part of the match up and didn't do much afterward. He's clearly peaked. The Brent D had an outstanding game with 30 points led by Chad Brown's 14. The first Sweeney trophy winner is not done yet. Overall, the Brents scored a league high 105 points, just one point lower than their 2000 high. On the other side of the field, the 44's looked like they were reprising 2000. Donovan McNabb was the offense. Tim Green announced, "This is a warning to the rest of the NFL - Donovan McNabb can play football." McNabb equaled Manning with 19 points - each coming through a new personal sacrifice. #1 pick Curtis Martin was the only other offensive player to show up with 13 hard earned yards. Owner John Stoer was displeased with the rest of the offense as no one scored over 6 points. The defense, however, was superlative. Donnie Edwards almost was the difference, as the media had predicted, with 16 points. Zach Thomas scored a rare defensive TD and had an outstanding 18 points. Overall, the defense scored 40 points which is just four points below the high for 2000. Yet, heading into Monday night, the 44's had two players left and the Brents were sure they had the game won. Johnson said smugly, "I have the depth and I'm not afraid to use it. I like to score a lot of points and plan on doing it a lot. All you other teams out there just lie down because it isn't going to be pretty. 44s, don't even play Barber tonight, you've already lost so lets not get him injured. There is no way I can loose." He certainly wasn't tight. Still, Jason Elam and Kiki Barber could possibly score 16 points. And they failed. Elam scored 9 points but Barber only seemed half of himself with a lousy 4 points. Stoer summed up the game, "I had forgotten what it felt like to score so many points, but I sure haven't forgotten how it feels to lose. Ugh."
San Francisco Cubists 84 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 69 It has been a quiet few weeks in the Cubist camp since Owner Jason Moore stormed out of the draft and left clich� spilling George Michael to run the remainder of the draft. Word had leaked out of the 2000 champ's inner circle that the fastidious owner was concerned about the karma of the 2001 Cubists and was concerned that his true feelings about the competition in the Modano Mi Hermano league might affect the luck that the fantasy football gods rained upon his team. Fortunately, the members of the media were able to surreptitiously place a paid intern or two as copy boys so we know what is going on. It turns out that Moore doesn't believe there is a team in the league that can threaten the "Moore Dynasty" and this week's opponents, the Mountain Devils, are still referred to be their old, friendlier name, the Otters. There were other things said, which were much more derogatory against certain league members, but the media knows what's good and what could be considered slander. When Moore was confronted with these allegations, he offered no comment. Moore worst fears were nearly realized as the Mountain Devils shot out of the gate led by their backfield of E's. Edgerrin James, the preseason favorite for MVP, continued his brilliance with 21 points and two TD's. Owner Rob Ouaou's new neighbor, Elvis Grbac, had a nice game with 14 as well. "I don't like the Ravens," said Ouaou, "but I have to admit that Elvis is a pretty cool guy. He gave me change for a Coke yesterday and told me I didn't have to pay him back. Still, he's a Raven�" Ouaou also praised the play of elder statesman Cris Carter who had 8 points. The Devils, however, did not get much from the rest of the players. Tim Biakabatuka looked like he wanted to still be on the Cubist sideline as he gave them 2 points. The Cubists played well enough not to lose. Aaron Brooks took the starting position by the horns and led the team with 24 points. ESPN's Tom Oates gave credit for Brooks' 24 points to Mike Holmgren who drafted Brooks a few years ago. Oates wrote, "It was Holmgren who taught Brooks how to throw the ball, how to read, how to dress himself and how to play with Packer pride." Oates, who happens to be the most biased writer making money for his tripe, believes that Holmgren created the universe as well. Corey Dillon showed why he was a first round pick with 14 points and Jeff Wilkins had a nice 10 points from the kicking slot. The rest of the players, mostly taken by George Michael, performed poorly. Keeper RB Stephen Davis had a noticeably poor day with the low score for a starting RB - 1 point. Warrick Dunn also had one point. Moore said, in a written statement, "I give a lot of credit to the Devils and to the rest of the league which is filled with wonderfully talented players and owners. The Cubist organization is very happy to have one win and we hope that we get a few more." Oh, so modest!
Einar's Luvable Losers 77 Bull City Bears 65 50 The Bears were voted by many of the league owners to be the preseason favorite for the Modano Mi Hermano championship. What all of these owners overlooked was the fact the Bears are coming off an offseason of turmoil. The three keepers all have their issues with the team and with each other. Of course, there is the lingering story of Marvin Harrison whose only wish is to play in Syracuse. Steinbrenner-esque Owner Randy Chambers will not let him out of his contract and still is not sure if the 44's have the goods to get Harrison. Harrison had 2 points on Sunday. Then there is Randy Moss who will not go onto the field if the play is not called for him. Moss spent most of Sunday afternoon sulking as his number was not called often. Moss had 1 point. With these two star receivers having problems, QB Daunte Culpepper started his sophomore slump. Everyone knew it was coming. He may be this year's Carlos Beltran. The one bright star for the Bears was 2nd round draft pick Jimmy Smith who Chambers feels never should have left L.A. Law. "Victor Cifluentes is a classic character in TV lore. His relationship with Susan Dey is one for the ages!" said Chambers excitably. Smith caught two pretty TD balls from Bear back up Mark Brunell and had 20 points to lead all receivers. Champ Bailey had a nice 13 points from the defensive side. It was an ugly day for the rest of the Bears. The worst running attack in Modano had Bettis get one point. Sam Cowart got hurt and got zero points for his effort. Meanwhile, Einar and his unassuming band of Luvable Losers made off with a quiet win. Kurt Warner had a quiet 10 points and had the team's only Sunday TD. The disgusting defense had a big day as Packers' Nate Wayne and Darren Sharper combined for 24 points. Troy Vincent, a 2000 Loser, also chipped in 9 points. All told, the games was tied 65-65 going into Monday but the Einar had Easy Ed McCafferty in his stable. McCafferty did what he needed to do in Week One, but in the process he broke his leg. McCafferty had felt at odds with the Einar camp since everyone knows the Easy Ed is one of Einar basher Dan Weitz's old guard. McCafferty scored a TD and 12 points to secure the victory. After the contest, McCafferty said, "I know there were probably easier ways to get off the Einar's team - like to ask for a trade or to ask for more money than Einar would give me, but those aren't the man's way out. The man's way out is to gruesomely break your leg like I did. I'll always be mentioned in the same sentence as Joe Theisman for now on." The Einar reportedly would not have traded McCafferty, so breaking his leg was the only way out.
County Coroners 75 P-Miss Envy 72 While few people remember last year's first week, it was fresh in the mind of Owner Perry Missner. Never had a team had such a poor showing to open a season as the Envy's 27 first week points of 2000. Missner was concerned that his team would start off poorly again as many of his players were returning from injury or just aren't quick starters. When Jamal Anderson scored a touchdown during the late games Sunday afternoon, Missner was relieved to know that his team would not score so low in 2001. Now he just needed those crappy Chiefs to come through and hold the Raiders down. Rival Owner Chad Gruden had to be sweating it out early during the Raiders' game as they had some problems scoring points on the Chiefs D. Gruden, by the way, has changed his name from Nuss since learning that he was the Raiders' coach long lost half brother. The Raiders started out slowly, but when Rich Gannon hit Tim Brown for a TD, the Coroners doubled their fun and their pleasure. Gannon and Brown combined for 30 points, but Gruden handed the gameball to K Sebastian Janakowski. Janakowski was huge as he made four field goals, a PAT and 4 touchbacks on kickoffs which each count for a point in 2001. 4 points on touchbacks. Derrick Alexander earned his owner's scorn for not getting in the action as he didn't score a point. The Envy had the majority of their players going on Sunday night. They had a doublemint moment when Steve "Grounded Air" McNair hit Derrick Mason for a TD. Eddie George, a notoriously slow starter, only scored 4 points. The highly drafted Envy defense only scored 23 points but were led by Ray Lewis' 12. The Envy had hopes of winning with Gruden's late switch of Laverneus Coles to Ron Dayne. Dayne was playing in the Monday night affair, so Missner called on the runner's Wisconsin roots to help him climb over the one point deficit to victory. Missner called, "If you remember your time eating cheese and drinking Miller Lite in Ogg dorm, fumble, fumble, fumble!" Dayne, who spent a week with the Envy last year, didn't feel like fumbling and scored two points. Jerk. A triumphant Gruden shouted to the world, "How does the dust smell after week one...? Looks like I 'kicked' up some 'Autumn Wind' to take this one?" He was referring to those 4 touchbacks that had given Missner such heartburn. To add insult to injury, Gruden snatched receiver Eddie Kennison off the waiver wire because sandbox had to be reset on the Missner home computer. Kennison, who is not related to loud comic Sam, will prove to be another enemy for the easy-to-hate Envy.
Week 2 previews - The only match up of unbeatens takes place in San Francisco where the Cubists take on Einar's Luvable Losers. Owner Jason Moore hopes to get a bit more production out of his keepers who only netted him 12 points. The Einar also hopes his trio of keepers can play a bit better as the three totalled 21 points. The Losers also try to recover from the loss of first round pick Ed McCafferty. Rookie sensation LaDainian Tomlinson would be the logical choice to replace McCafferty, but dog-gone-it, he's on the bye. It looks like it is up to the Freekman. The Brentful Brents take their braggadocios ways against the hard luck loser Wookies. The Brents have beefed up their line up with Ernie Conwell who hopes Ernie and Brent turn out to be a great combo. It is unclear whether starting QB Peyton Manning will be with the team or if Owner Steve Johnson will hand the reins over to inbred, hillbilly moronic QB Brent Farf. Owner Will Mitchell can only hope that QB Drew Bledsoe will keep up his fantastic play, while the others put the ball in the endzone a few more times. The lucky Weasilicious Cookies face off against the unlucky 44's who were the highest scoring week 1 loser. The Cookies have completely rebuilt their defense by booting Duane Starks (inactive) and Dexter Coakley and replacing them with Hardy Nickerson (18 points) and Darren Woodson (14). Here's betting they are lucky to score 10 between them. The 44's have Junior Seau on the bye but Brian Dawkins should be an apt replacement. Elsewhere, it is status quo with them as they hope Donovan can shoulder the load to a first win. The Bear and Coroners play in what has been one of the more lopsided series in Modano history. The Bears have taken 5 of the 6 meetings. Chad Gruden has decided on only 6 Raiders in his early week line up with Captain Pat Tillman getting his first action of 2001. Owner Randy Chambers knows that things can only get better since the Bears were the lowest scoring team of week 1. Finally, two first week losers oppose each other with the Devils and the Envy. The Envy won three of the four times they have played, but they come in with all sorts of line up trouble. QB Steve "Bionic" McNair is once again having troubles with his implants. This time it is a sore shoulder which has McNair listed as questionable. Will Missner stay with McNair, go with his back up O'Donnell or try Jake Plummer against the 'Skins. Even he doesn't know. One thing that is a good bet is that the Mountain Devils will stay with the same lineup, although Biakabatuka has taken his fumblitis and been replaced by David Boston.
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