The Losers 103 Weaselicious Good Cookies 90 All of Wisconsin
(and some of the DC Metro area) had circled this match up of legendary
rivals on their calendar. The epic battles between the Einar
and Weasel have been recounted so many times through so many different
theaters that to try to retell them now would be pointless. Usually,
it is Dan "The Weasel" Weitz who someone manages to
upstage his younger compadre in the most fiendish of ways. Lately,
it seems that Steve "The Einar" Olson now controls the
fantasy football realm and the Weasel will be hardpressed to stop
him. The Losers had won their last two games in a row and so
had the Weasel Cookies. All of the Rams involved had been hot
with Warner, Faulk and Bruce routinely scoring in the double digits.
There was a lot of high level smack talk in the week preceding
the game as both owners told the local media how the other team
sucked. Weitz said, "He's got two decent player - Warner
and Bruce - besides them, his team is about as good as Gilbert
Brown. Speaking of Brown, did you hear that he got arrested?
Sure, the police found 150 pounds of crack in his pants."
The Einar did not stay too quiet. "How is it that a die-hard
Cowboy fan can start a Redskin QB [Brad Johnson]. C'mon, put
Aikman in there." Weitz did not. This game was relatively
quiet until the Rams took the field, then the fireworks started.
Sadly, for the Cookies, they only had one Ram to counter the
lethal Warner-Bruce combo. Warner and Bruce combined for 54 points
(one more than Culpepper and Moss) and 6 TD's. They did not receive
much support, but their outstanding performances were enough.
Freekman did have a TD and Rod Smith had 11 but no one else scored
more than 6. Marshall Faulk did the best he could with 22 points
and wonderful WR Marcus Robinson had 20 points on two Packer killing
TD's. Nobody Like Wesley Walls had a bullet and the Cookie defense
set a new mark for futility with only 6 points (led by Donde Es
La Bano's 5 - Mike Dumb Ass had zero and was cut). To add insult
to injury, the minor league Einar team beat the minor league Weasel
team as well.
Syracuse 44's 59 Brentless Brents 53 These two teams
had come off of devastating losses in Week 4 and no one was really
sure how either team would react to adversity. The 44's are a
very young team whose fragile psyche could have been destroyed
by a tough loss that included the ill-advised signing of the traitorous
Al Del Greco. His 11 points were nice but the damage done to
team morale made for a very tender situation that had to be handled
with the utmost delicacy by Owner John Stoer. Meanwhile, the
QB driven Brentless Brents were also in a tough spot coming off
of a loss by one mystery point. Would Peyton Manning use all
of the skills his Pappy taught him while he was growing up to
rally his team? None of these pregame questions were answered
quickly as both teams got off to brutal starts. Brent RB Ahman
Green showed why he is so poor with a 1 point performance and
Ron Dayne seems a bit too comfortable as a Brent because he has
gained 40 pounds since joining the team and barely played in the
game. Payton Manning did have a nice game with two TD's and 13
points and Mike Alstott held onto the ball long enough to score
a TD but the Brents did not look like an upper echelon team.
The 44's also struggled mightily. Syracuse alums Qadry Ismail
and Kevin Johnson were both unable to score. Ass Hakim did have
6 points and James Stewart chipped in with 9 but there was a lot
of work to be done in the Sunday evening game for QB Donovan McNabb
and RB Duce Staley. Only Donovan was able to keep his coach's
confident as he had his best game as a pro: Two TD's and 20 points.
He is now the 6th QB in all of the land, but the first
in Stoer's heart. Duce had a rough game, a really rough game.
He set a new starting RB record for poor play with a -2. Whenever,
Duce would make a mistake, Donovan would be there to pick the
team up. It is clear that Donovan is becoming one of the dominant
forces in the game as he seemed to will his team to more and more
points. Perhaps he will become what Steve Young was to the franchise
two years ago. Through Sunday, the 44's had only scored 59 points,
but the Brents had scored just 33 with two Monday players left:
unheralded WR Darrell Jackson and mystery LB Anthony Simmons.
Neither guy will make the headlines this week because they only
combined for 10 points. Another tough loss for the Brents. Owner
Steve Johnson was said to be considering taking a sabbatical from
the team in order to get his bearings. "Maybe a little vacation
is just what I need," said Johnson.
Peaks Island Wookies 85 P-Miss Envy 67 Owners Will Mitchell and Perry Missner had been at each other's throats all week long because they were trying to hold some trade discussions that became more and more acrimonious as the week went on. The main cog of the deal was QB Drew Bledsoe who had pleaded with Missner since joining the Envy that he wanted to go back home to be with the Wookies. However, once Bledsoe was apprised of the weak offer that Mitchell had at first submitted, even he was insulted. "You are going to trade me for that stiff Vinny Testaverde?" questioned Bledsoe. Clearly, Missner wasn't ready to make such a deal either. On Friday, the two Owners had to cut their talks short in order to prepare their teams for battle. On Sunday, the disharmony quickly became a mutual appreciation society. Bledsoe went out of his way to prove to Mitchell that he was worth much, much more than the "Green Ball." He led the Envy bench with 26 points on 4 TD passes. Steve McNair, not to be outdone, had by far his best game of the 2000 campaign. His sternum troubles behind him, McNair looked like a real QB in notching 24 points on three TD strikes. It was 20 points better than the previous Envy QB best. As is usual with the Envy this year, they had one good performance and that was about it. WR Torry Holt had a TD and 8 points and the reacquired Brian Urlacher had 10 points in his first start. WR Keyshawn Johnson had another stinker game with a -1 and the Envy offensive flex only went for 6. The Wookies had all sorts of season high performances. Charlie Batch matched his Week 4 score with 13 points and Eddie George, Germane Crowell and Frank Wycheck all posted season highs as they combined for 40 points and 4 TD's. Wycheck, more or less, neutralized McNair's fine performance by being his favorite target. The Envy could not keep pace
with such an onslaught and bowed to the up and coming Wookies.
Soon after the game, Missner sent Mitchell a doozy of a offer
that included Bledsoe, Keyshawn, fumblin' Ricky Williams and Eric
"1 point" Bjornson for Eddie George, Frank Wycheck and
Jake "Don't You, Forget About Me" Reed. Flabbergasted
at such a generous offer, Mitchell agreed and said, "That
Missner chap is an all right guy. Forget about what I said about
him last week." Fortunately the press did not cover that
story.
County Coroners 81 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 54 This
is the week that all Coroner fans had been dreading and the Mountain
Devils had penciled in a "W." How would the team perform
without any of Owner Chad Nuss's beloved Raiders? Football experts
in the County expected the team to score less than 10 points,
but they had underestimated Nuss's resourcefulness. Nuss brought
in a bunch of scrappers - guys who might not make the big bucks
but were willing to leave it all on the field. Most people thought
Jerome Bettis was done in 1997, but he proved everyone wrong including
Matt Millen. Millen commented, "That Bettis can still score
the football. He is a football player." Bettis scored 2
TD's and 19 points, just when the Coroners needed him most. Highly
rated Jeff Garcia had also been an early season surprised and
continued his sterling play with 12 points. Even Jason Sehorn
had a good game with 14 points and he is now the 4th
rated defensive back in football. These three players plus Ike
Hilliard and his touchdown would have been enough to tie the collapsing
Mountain Devils. Owner Rob Ouaou had been credited with turning
around a moribund franchise by putting a bit of pizazz into all
facets of the team. They had new players, new logos, new banners,
new uniforms and a new, catchy fight song. Yet they have been
pulling down the same lousy results. It is no surprise many that
QB Steve Beuerlein has not been able to achieve his 1999 numbers,
but 4 lousy points? C'mon. Finally, Edgerrin James had his first
off game with no TD's and just 8 points. He still led the offense.
TE David Sloan and Curtis Conway did not score and Cris Carter
has been a major disappointment. Only the Otter, oop, I mean,
Devil defense kept the score from being downright embarrassing
with its 29 points - 12 each from Derrick Brooks and Rod Woodson.
"I have good players and we are running a good system, but
I don't know what the problem is," said Ouaou. "Maybe
we need to learn some new endzone dance routines so that the players
will have more of an incentive to get in there." Nuss was
happy with the win but became completely insane upon learning
that TE Ricky Dudley had been picked up off of waivers by the
44's. "Must - Get - Revenge," stuttered Nuss among
many obscenities.
Week 6 Previews While Week 5 featured matchups of top
teams against top teams and lower ranked teams against their brethren,
week 6 is much more of a mix and match. The incomparable, undefeated
San Francisco Cubists meet the young buck Syracuse 44's. This
one could get ugly. However, the Cubists are having some trouble
with byes as their starting tight end, kicker and defensive presence
are all out. Could this be the week that the 44's take advantage?
Well, they are benching their best player, Donovan McNabb, for
personal reasons and a look up and down their line up reveals
what might be a great team - in 2005. Nevertheless, we have to
give credit to Owner John Stoer for trying something new. If
it be broke, fix it. The Losers will hope their post-Weitz thrashing
hang over will settle away as they face the Peaks Island Wookies.
The Wookies have their emotional leader Drew Bledsoe back in
the fold, but he is not a sure starter over incumbent Charlie
Batch. The Losers will be playing without their big guns, Warner
and Bruce. It is hard to believe that Chris Chandelier and Flashlight
Chrebet will be able to be adequate fill ins. The Losers could
fall back down to .500. Two reeling teams meet when the Weaselicious
Good Cookies and Brentless Brents collide. Owners Johnson and
Weitz have had many dealings on the Diplomacy board, but there
probably won't be any backstabbing in this game. The Cookies
are going without Marshall Faulk while the Brents (who are going
with only 19 players) must go without Johnson who is firming up
travel plans. And this just in, the Brentless Brents have tried
to change their name to the Anterior Cruciate Legitimate Contenders.
We think Brentless Brents is a keeper. The ugly match of the
week may be the Devils and Envy. These are the two lowest scoring
teams in the league. The Envy have yet to break 70 and the Devils
have only scored in the 50's in the last three weeks. The Envy
have become the Go Titans!!! with 4 Titans in their lineup, but
Missner seems to be using a revolving door policy so who knows
how long they will last.
---------------------It's Voyager Night Press--------------------------------------------------