Bull City Bears 79 Brentless Brents 78 "I went to sleep on last night having watching an incredibly long blow out win for the Colts and I felt secure that my Brentless Brents had won. The score was tied and we had scored more TD's. Yes, I fell asleep smiling, enveloped by the warm glow of winning." These were the first words of Owner Steve Johnson's Tuesday press conference after he learned the Commish had awarded a mystery tackle to Bear WR Keenan McCardell. That one point was enough to give the Bears the win and keep them just one game below the Cubist pace. The match was easily the most exciting of the week as the two teams traded the lead umpteen times. The Bears took the lead on Travis Taylor's TD (8 points). The Brents countered with a record setting kicking performance from Ryan Longwell as the Peckers weren't good enough to get the ball into the endzone. Longwell ended with 17 points, which is the high for the season. The Brents held a 6 point lead going into Monday night. Johnson told QB Peyton Manning that he could throw all the touchdowns he wanted (although running TD's were preferred), but he must not throw to favorite target Marvin Harrison. Meanwhile, Bear Owner Randy Chambers told Harrison that this game was in his hands. The Bears were without Randy Moss so this was Marvin's game. He did not disappoint the Bear fans with an early long score. Manning, knowing that his gaffe could cost him his starting spot - the Brents have used three different starting QB's in the last three weeks - began to gun. He threw and threw and threw. Manning ended up with 29 points on 4 TD strikes and 440 yards. His 29 points were a new season standard. To all onlookers the game was tied at 78. As he usually does, the Commish spent Monday night reviewing the tapes and looking for extra tackles and passes defended. Of course, all of his decisions are final and he refuses to comment on any of them. Johnson finished his press conference by flying into a rage. "That 1 tackle by McCardell made all the damn difference!" he screeched. It has been reported by the Brentless papers that Johnson is considering taking a sabbatical from his team to visit the old country. Hopefully they won't become a rudderless ship.
San Francisco Cubists 120 Peaks Island Wookies 75 This game featured the owner of the old three headed monster against the mangled pieces of what is left of the current three headed monster. Mythology has certainly changed because Jamal Anderson, Terrell Davis and Eddie George simply do not strike fear into the hearts of friends and enemies alike. Sure, George and Anderson did score touchdowns but were only able to manage 15 points combined. Terrell Davis did not start and barely played as he hurt himself again. Poor Terrell. Meanwhile, the Cubists have become an embarrassment of riches. They have yet to score less than 89 points in a week. That low is higher than 5 teams high score. The one position that had not been stellar for the Bears this season had been TE Tony Gonzalez. He exploded in Week 4 for 14 points with a TD. The team was led by the incredible Jimmy Smith and the amazing Charlie Garner. They each scored 21 points. They were helped along with all-pro performances (15 or more point games) by QB Tony Banks and the modest Terrell Owens who each scored 15. Owens was so proud of his TD's that he went to the center of the field and bowed for all to see. Owner Jason Moore does not tolerate showboaters and he suspended Owens for a game. "It is simply bad karma, dude," said Moore. "It would be one thing if Jimmy Smith were to do something like that. He has earned a bow or two, but for Owens to do it. That just isn't right." With their 120 points, the Cubists became the first team to score more than 119 points in two games in a season and are now averaging well over 100 points a game. Even the Cubist bench was alive as RB Curtis Martin both ran and threw for TD's and scored 19 points. The Wookies have more problems than their injured three headed monster. While QB Charlie Batch had a reasonably good game, he has been bothered by rumors that Owner Will Mitchell has been fielding offers for hometown boy, Drew Bledsoe. Batch said, "I need this franchise to commit to me." Mitchell and Batch had a closed door meeting and came up with the strategy that the only way Bledsoe would become part of the team would be to lowball the opposing owner. This would cause Bledsoe's legendary confidence to diminish. Mitchell said, "No matter what happens, this is your team, Charlie." Will he be able to keep that strategy if Bledsoe comes aboard?
P-Miss Envy 68 Syracuse 44's 64 These two teams look to be also-rans in the race for the Modano Mi Hermano trophy, but they put on a good show for the hometown folks. In the end, the Envy once again used their home field advantage and a tasty pizza to make the 44's sleepy. As a prank, Owner Perry Missner sent heavy, cheesy pizza to the opposing lockerroom before the game. Unable to keep their hands off the free pizza, the 44's indulged and seemed slightly bloated when they took the field. The only one who abstained was QB Donovan McNabb who has a exact pre-game ritual that includes prayers to Brominski and rubbing his Buddha. McNabb was not sluggish at all as he scored 17 points on two TD's. He got a little help from the Little Man, James Stewart, who scored 12 points on one TD. The rest of the offensive starters were embarrassing as they only scored 2 points combined. The brother battles turned out to be quite quiet. Ricky defeated Roland 4-0 in the Williams match up. Meanwhile, each Johnson scored 1 point but that didn't stop Keyshawn from talking. Only Chrebet could do that. The Envy QB situation continued to be awful. For the third time in four weeks, the Envy received a negative performance from their QB as Drew Bledsoe scored -3. The team is now averaging -1 at the QB slot. Bledsoe was clearly longing for Peaks Island, but Missner is playing hardball with him. "You will sit at the end of the bench until I field a decent offer," said Missner. The P-Miss offensive flex were the most outstanding feature of the game. Their combined 40 points is a new season record. WR Torry Holt had a huge game with 24 points and Mike Anderson showed that he is no back up with 13. The kicker battle became key as it was good vs. evil. Mr. Evil, Al Del Greco, managed to score 11 points but he is still a jerk. Meanwhile, Mr. Good, Super Joe Nedney knocked in 10 points and inspired the crowd to sing his name to the tune of the A*Team. Try it, it works! For winning the game, 44 Owner John Stoer decided to release Brian Urlacher (12 points) to the Envy. The 44's did receive lost WR Peter Warrick in compensation.
Weaselicious Good Cookies 88 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 59 As is pregame tradition for the Good Cookies, the team gathers together and owner Dan Weitz says, "All right, everybody, all together now, on three, dominate!" He then counts down to three and the team shouts "DOMINATE!" This pregame warm up never used to work, but Weitz seems to have gathered the right people together because after they say that magic word, it seems that they do in fact dominate. The three Good Cookie wins have all come by 25 points or more (this constitutes a blow out win). In week 4, things were no different. The Cookies scored early and often on the overmatched Mountain Devils. The Cookies were led by former Packer Jackie Harris who somehow scored 15 points. He was tied by DB Donde Es La Bano who scored a rare defense TD and 15 points. Donde's brother, Kiki, had a bit of an offgame with 6 points. Weitz was hoping the brothers Barber would have twin scores as well. Marcus Robinson also had a fine game with 14 points. He is a really good player. Even Mike Dumb Ass had a respectable 5 points. The Cookies seem to have things clicking on all cylinders. Owner Rob Ouaou's Mountain Devils started out the season hot but have spiralled out of control. The team has put so much pressure on RB Edgerrin James that it is almost impossible for them to succeed. The team only scored 44 points on Sunday with TD's only coming from Elvis Grbac and Johnny Morton. Ouaou inspirational speech that all of his player's had to suck it up and play apparently did not work on Brian Dawkins who was injured and decided to sit out. Going into Monday night, the Devils were down by 40 points, but that didn't seem to bother Ouaou. "I am sure Edgerrin can score at least 40," he said, "We did base our entire ad campaign on him. I may bench him if he doesn't score 40." Weitz was wise to the Devil plan and held LB Hardy Nickerson until Monday. The designated James stopped held Edgerrin to just one score and 15 points. Smart move.
The Losers 96 County Coroners 83 There are rumblings in Loserville. The team with the sad name is suddenly becoming a Modano Mi Hermano power. They were the hard luck losers the first two weeks, but instead of getting down and pouting, the team has come together and began to play very well. In Week 4, they were led by their bread and butter, Kurt Warner and Isaac Bruce. Bruce scored 18 points for the second straight week and Warner jumped to #4 on the QB top ten with 4 TD's and 24 points. The team also received TD's from Shannon Sharpe and Wayne Chrebet who are about as opposite as opposite can be. Darren Sharper led the defense with 17 points and didn't score a defensive touchdown. Some members of the press thought the Losers might be looking beyond the Coroners to their Week 5 match up, but Owner Steve "The Einar" Olsen had his team functioning very well. Their 96 points was a franchise high and they feature the #1 passing yardage attack. Thank you very much, Mr. Warner. Coroners had one of their better days, even though the Raiders did not score an amazing amount of points. RB Tyrone Wheatley led the offense with two scores and 16 points. LB William Thomas set a defensive record for the season with 19 points and a defensive TD. The non-Raider offensive flex had a nice game with two touchdowns (Alexander and Hilliard) and combined for 24 points. Ricky Dudley disappointed Owner Chad Nuss so much that even though Dudley is a Raider, he was cut. Nuss's comment on such a unusual move was to say "Got you with the frostie!" No one is sure what he meant.
Week 5 Previews This week features many interesting match ups, but none bigger than the clash of the titans - the oldest rivalry known in the annals of sport and mankind - the Weasel vs. the Einar. This will be their first match up on the big stage of Modano Mi Hermano and both team are playing very well. Everyone expects fireworks between the rivals, but we all hope that the combatants will leave it on the field and not take their battles back to the Sega machine. We are not sure how much more abuse those controllers can take. Two of the top teams match up when the Bears and Cubists renew their rivalry. Can anything stop the rolling Cubists? Maybe Tony Banks? Will the combination of Randy Moss and Marvin Harrison lead the Bears into first place or will Moss punk the Bears out? The Coroners face an interesting Week 5 conundrum: if the Raiders are on the bye, do the Coroners (Go Raiders!!!) exist? Apparently, they do as they are led by #1 QB Jeff Garcia. The bigger question may be if the Coroners play well against the floundering Devils, will Chad Nuss have to rethink his all Raider strategy. We doubt it. The Bledsoe Bowl has the Wookies and Envy matching up. Drew Bledsoe, Will Mitchell's main man, has become the P-Miss water boy. The return of Steve "Pear" McNair should help the Envy. They are the only team not to have scored in the 70's and neither team has scored in the 80's. Should be a low-scoring defensive affair. Both the Brents and 44's are coming off of crushing defeats. Which team will have the greater intestinal fortitude and come up with the big win. Neither team wants to slip to 1-4 so this game has many important implications for both teams.
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