TOP STORY: CUBISTS AVENGE OTTER LOSS, ON TOP ALONE
San Francisco Cubists 96 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 55 This match up had been billed as a revenge match and Owner Jason Moore and his Cubists. For Moore, revenge was sweet. The Devils proved no more of a challenge than opening a bag of Twizzlers and whistling Dixie. The Cubists used the league's best roster and hammered the Devils every way to Sunday. The team now boasts the #1 rated quarterback, wide receiver and kicker along with the top rated bench. The team was led on Sunday by Brian Griese and his two TD's along with a trio of 11 from Eric Moulds, Jeff Wilkins and Rodney Harrison. The win was punctuated with Stephen Davis' exclamation point of 21 on Monday Night. What makes things worse for the rest of the league is that the Cubists' bench also went wild. Lamar Smith led the benchwarmers with 19 points and was accompanied by Garner (13), Curtis Martin (14), Girl Glenn (11) and Terrell Owens (13). "My team is mighty," exclaimed Moore, "I shall steam roll my way to the championship and there is no way that I will retire after just my second championship in four years. This shall be a dynasty - a Moore Dynasty!" The one weak link in the sure dynasty is the QB spot for the Cubists. Brian Griese has been terrific in the early season but he sustained a shoulder injury in the win (perhaps from throwing too many touchdown passes). Tony Banks is an adequate back up but does not have the resume that Moore likes. Without Banks, the team is left with the inbred moron, the third stringer - Farf. One could easily see Farf leading the Cubists down into the hillbilly abyss. The Devils, is should be pointed out, were miss their edge - Edgerrin James, out on the bye week. Without their leader, the team seemed punchless. They did get TD's from QB Drew Bledsoe and RB Warrick Dunn, but the rest of the team was low scoring. Even the great pick up Curtis Conway only scored one point. It is clear that San Diego needs a good QB to get Curtis the ball. Only two Devil bench players were in action, but Elvis Grbac made a huge impression on Owner Rob Ouaou. Grbac's 31 points from the bench (on 5 TD's) made Ouaou feel so good, he traded incumbent starter Drew Bledsoe for Steve Beuerlein. Bledsoe and Ouaou had been warring from the start as the offensive system seemed geared toward too many running plays. Here's hoping Bledsoe can find peace on his new team.
Weasilicious Good Cookies 105 Syracuse 44's 40 If there is one thing that Good Cookie Owner Dan Weitz likes, it is a good trouncing. He was on cloud 9 after his week one victory that he went out and signed up Fred Beasley, the TD machine. Sadly, Beasley did not help the team in week 2 because he was on the bench. In week 3, Beasley's heroics were not needed because the Cookies used Marshall Faulk as their battering ram and obliterated the low scoring 44's. Faulk set a new record for running backs this year with 30 points. He was one point short of last year's record set by Edgerrin James in Week 11. He and Kiki Barber (11 points) would have defeated the 44's by themselves. They did have some help in setting a Good Cookie record though. Mooshy had a TD for 8 points and Hardy Nickerson had 13 points. Only Kiki's twin, Donde Es La Bano, had a rough game with only 2 points. Nobody likes Wesley Walls also had 3 points and kept his number one ranking. The 44's did not have their best outing. The old axiom is that if you don't score touchdowns, it is going to be very difficult to win. That old axiom proved true for the 44's. Duce Staley had the best game for the 44's with 8 points. No one else scored more than 6 points. Donovan McNabb was couldn't take a bite out of the tough Cookie D and failed to score a point. Could it be that his job is in jeopardy? Both back up QB's for the 44's had big games. Tim Couch had a cool 18 points and Shaun King had 17. In his post game press conference, Owner John Stoer said, "The only way that McNabb will not be my starter if his left leg falls off and he has a broken arm." Couch and King did not seem disappointed because they knew their only chance to play on the 44's would be week 16 when McNabb has his bye. On Monday night, the Good Cookies were up to their old tricks. They were already leading by 52 points but that lead did not seem comfortable enough to Weitz. Owner favorite Emmitt Smith had a touchdown and 11 points and Redskin QB Brad Johnson had 7 points to ensure the victory. Weitz commented, "I was a bit worried about Champ Bailey scoring 60 points because I heard that he was going to play on offense and defense." Sure, you were. The second ranked Cookies have made few friends in the early season with his late game piling on scores. What goes around comes around. Champ Bailey did score 5 points.
P-Miss Envy 60 Bull City Bears 49 With the Cubists coasting to a fairly easy win, the Bears knew that they had to keep pace. The task did not seem impossible as they were facing the lowest ranked team in the league, the P-Miss Envy. Of course, the Bears were going to be without top gun Marvin Harrison, but that was countered with the bye week of Steve "Pear" McNair. Considering McNair's early season funk, the bye couldn't came at a better time. The Bears took an early lead when QB Mark Brunell hooked up with WR Keenan McCardell for a touchdown, although it did look like McCardell did not get both feet down in bounds. That ended the offensive scoring for the Bears. The rest of the offense could only manage 4 points total, led by the sad starting runner Shaun Alexander who tallied two points. The Bear Defense did have a nice game with 25 points, led by the diminutive London Fletcher's 10 points. In some ways, the two TD's scored on one play should have been enough because the Envy were only able to score one TD. This touchdown came from the golden arm of Steve Beuerlein. The key for the Envy was the yards. They came in bunches. Ricky Williams led the team with 9 points all on yards. Keyshawn Johnson (5 points), Torry Holt (6 points) and Peter Warrick (5 points) - all on yards. Hey, they add up. The team was led by Sam Cowart who had 15 points (none on yards) and designated Farf beater Hugh Douglas (who?) had 2.5 sacks and tallied 9 points (plus what should have been an extra 15 points for a late hit on the pea-brained imbecile). Everybody's favorite player, Jay Riemersma, did have three points and an outstanding catch, but he got hurt and will be out a month. Many people cried upon hearing this news. The game did have some Monday night ramifications since the Envy only led by 10 points going into the game. The Monday night Bears did not do much though, with Stephen Alexander only scoring 1 point and Brett Conway not playing like the former Packer he is. Conway was later cut by the Redskins. Hey, what's a conway? Oh, about 185 pounds. Hardy har har. The ever humble Deion Sanders, a surprise starter for the Envy, only scored 2 points because he did not want to show up the Bears. After the game Owner Perry Missner invited Owner Randy Chambers to enjoy a post game stogie, then gave Chambers an exploding cigar. Chambers was not pleased and told commissioner Todd Tugwell to look into the matter. Missner's antics are being investigated.
The Losers 72 Brentless Brents 59 The press almost boycotted this battle of Pecker Beckers, but with so few of the Peckers playing in the league and on these teams, the almost boycott was lifted. There were two Peckers in offensive action, but Ryan Longwell's 6 points and Antonio Freekman's 2 points hardly figured into the decision. No one minded them. The big news in this battle was the awakening of the Kurt Warner-Isaac Bruce combo. The two had been mostly dormant through the first two games. Warner has been piling up the yards, but has also has some interceptions. Even now, he is only the 11th ranked QB. On this day, Warner and Bruce combined for 31 points on three TD's. Warner's performance prompted Dan Patrick to say, "He was once a bagger in a grocery store ... stocking Cap'n Crunch and Count Chocula ... then, out of nowhere he became the NFL's MVP ... the NFL's MVP." The scene then cut to an obviously drunk Warner sitting on a chair in the mountains. "I drink Coor's because it makes me original and drunk like everyone else," stammered Warner. No other Losers scored touchdowns, but the Loser defense did score 22 points and held the Brent offensive flex to a new season low 1 point. The Brents did get good production out of their QB Rob Johnson (15 points) and RB Mike Alstott (10 points) but were unable to ride the wave of their triple digit week 2 score to anything more. Ron Dayne, who had erroneously been reported to have been unhappy in Envy camp, managed 4 points and so did Joe Horn. Junior Seau kept his fine early season play with 10 more points and Donnie Abraham had 9. Somebody named Nate Wayne, possibly a cousin of John Wayne, only had 3 points. Owner Steve Johnson took some pleasure in the fact that the win at least went to another member of the Peck Atteck. Owner Steve "the Einar" Olsen was not so pleasant. The Einar said, "I know that this is just the first of many Loser wins. I have molded this team in the ways of Ron Wolf and I am sure that we will the many championships that the Peckers have in the mid to late 90's. Of course, I am glad that I have Kurt Warner and not someone else at QB, but the league shall now feel my wrath." The Einar stomped away from the podium, leaving most of the press to scratch their heads.
Peaks Island Wookies 65 County Coroners 32 We have commented in the past that having too many players on one team can be a problem if that team doesn't fair very well. The one thing we have never commented on is that if you have many players from one team, you might not want to let the best player on the team out of your sight. This is just the problem Owner Chad Nuss, a confirmed Raider fanatic, faced when he was countered with the Wookie team. He looked across the field and saw WR Tim Brown, perhaps the most talented of all of the Raiders. Somehow, Brown, the longtime Raider, was not drafted by Nuss and he had a thing or two to prove. Before the game, Brown said, "I know Nuss loves the Raiders, but how can you justify drafting Sea-Bass, Gannon and Wheatley before Tim Brown, uh, me." Brown's point was taken early as Rich Gannon threw for the only two Coroner TD's to, who else?, Tim Brown. Gannon only managed 6 points off these two touchdowns because of other miscues, but Brown created 18 points off of his two scores. Each time Brown entered the endzone, he pointed right at Nuss. After the match, Nuss bawled, "I've made a terrible, terrible mistake. Now, I wish I had something worth trading so I could bring Timmy home. Will Ike Hilliard do?" No was sure if Wookie Owner Will Mitchell was listening. Mitchell has had a lot on his mind lately with a new baby and a new business, but he still managed to get a team on the field. Of course, some would call the playing of Aliki Smith questionable, especially after his -7 point performance, but a win is a win is a win. Ricky Watters continued to be the most outstanding of the 4 headed running attack with 14 points. Jamal Anderson also had 9 points. Ben Coates, in his turn to shine, didn't score. And that big wussy, Terrell Davis, who only decided not to play just before game time and didn't inform anyone, especially not people who have his back up Mike Anderson on the roster and could have used those points, did not play and did not score. Cuts to him. With Smith's poor play at QB and Mitchell favorite Drew Bledsoe now on the open market, the news wires on Peaks Island went crazy. Could Mitchell bring the Wookies' favorite son home? Everyone knew it would take a hefty price to do so, but it seems that team karma would make any trade worthwhile. Stayed tuned to see what happens.
Week 4 Previews The end of the first month of the season includes a number of interesting match ups. The top ranked Cubists face a stiff challenge in the 2-1 Wookies. The Wookies will welcome back Eddie George and Frank Wycheck (also one of their leading TD passers) into the line up. Will this be the week that Jason Moore screws up his line up and benches the people who score TD's? Or will they all continue to score TD's making Moore continue to look like a fantasy football genius (that's an oxymoron, by the way). The Good Cookies will also face a stiff challenge in the Mountain Devils. The Cookies will be without Wesley Walls (not a nice guy) and Mushin Muhammed (a fairly nice guy). This week's new Weitz pick up is Mike Dumb Ass who scored a touchdown last week. Has anyone ever noticed that defensive players who score a touchdown in one week, generally don't score a touchdown the next week? (Donde Es La Bano?) This game will also feature the two highest scoring runners by average - Marshall Faulk and Edgerrin James. Might this be the week that Curtis Conway (about 210 pounds) makes the difference? While the Envy-44's match up doesn't have the highest Q-rating, it does feature a number of interesting on the field match ups: the brothers Johnson, Kevin and Keyshawn, facing off; Torry Holt against Ass Hakim in a match up of Ram speedsters; the brothers Williams, Ricky and Roland, facing off; and present vs. future in Barry Minter against Brian Urlacher (rrrgrhrgrh). There will also be a pizza cook off. The reeling Bull City Bears, having been humiliated by a case of P-Miss Envy, will try to set things right against the Brentless Brents. Marvin will be back but Randy (Moss, that is) will be out. Will this be the week that Mike Alstott starts fumbling for the Brents? He is legendary for his fumbling and in the early season it has not been present. Finally, we have the strange case of Chad Nuss who is going with a few more non-Raiders in his line up this week. He has Colonel Sanders and Jason Greenhorn in the lineup at this point. Will Sehorn be able to stop Warner and Bruce as well as Charles Woodson? Just going by the numbers, the Losers should win by about 20 points, but the Raiders could explode against the Browns. It is going to be a great week!
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