MOORE MAKES THE RIGHT DECISION, PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING
San Francisco Cubists 122 The Losers 88 Was it media pressure? Was it just plain common sense? What was it that made Owner Jason Moore finally submit to reality and bench one of the most overrated and stupid QB's of all time, Brent Farf? Whatever it was, Moore and his Cubists saw first hand what a good personnel move can mean for a team. Team morale seemed to go up when Farf was benched. It went up further when Moore assigned Farf to towel boy duties. Although according to Terry Girl Glenn, who used to be the Cubist towel boy, Farf didn't even do that very well. "It is a simple two fold pattern, but that moron couldn't even get that right. He shouldn't even be on this team," twittered Glenn. It does seem clear that Farf has outlasted his football usefulness. Buoyed by an all-one-team spirit, the Cubists were in even more in a take-no-prisoners mode as they faced the Modano Mi Hermano expansion franchise, the Losers. The hot new combo of Griese to Smith was apparently undefendable all day long. The two connected for 3 long TD scores and scored an incredible 60 points between them. Jimmy Smith had 37 points by himself to establish a new MMH record along with helping the Cubists to reach a new all time high. Last year the Allentown Chippies were able to put together a 121 point performance led by Isaac Bruce's 33 points. Those records are now in the trash heap. The 122 enormous points were furthered along by health risk Tim B-aka-tuka and LB Donnie Edwards who both scored TD's and 12 points. Ever-steady Jeff Wilkens chipped in 13 as well. Not to be outdone by the starters, the Cubist bench also went wild. QB Tony Banks scored 29 points and seemed happy to be with the second string team. Banks was working with Amani Toomer and Donald Hayes who had 14 and 13 points respectively. The bench added 90 points. All of this made Moore beam. "My team is ready to roll." Pundits agreed. Dick Enberg exclaimed, "While Moore won't be accumulating the tallies from the hillbillies from Appalachia, his sagacity cannot be understated. Oh my!" On the other side of the gridiron, the Losers went the hard luck route for the second week. "88 points should be enough to win any game, but being the highest scoring loser for the second straight week in a row is more frustrating than losing a major golf tournament on a stinking hole in one. Oy!" exclaimed Owner Steve "The Einar" Olsen. The Losers did have a very nice week and they would have beaten all but two other teams this week. K Jason Hanson who had 16 points on 5 field goals led the team on Sunday. Kurt Warner and Shannon Sharpe hooked up for a touchdown and the team had plenty of yards from Smith, Bruce and Dillon. The Loser bench also played well with a combined 36 points coming from Rod Smith and Antonio Freekman.
Peaks Island Wookies 69 Syracuse 44's 69 As we all know, there are no such things as ties in the Modano Mi Hermano league. Sure, sometimes two teams will end up with the same score, but there can be only one winner. The league provides us with a number of complicated tie breakers that involve mathematical formulas that only the brainiest of brainiacs can fathom. The best we in the media can do is congratulate the winner and ask the loser, "You came so close to winning, but didn't. How does that feel?" The 44's actually seemed to be in control early on as QB Donovan McNabb continued to prove that his number one draft pick was no mistake. He scored two TD's and 19 points all told. He is clearly becoming a dominating presence in fantasy football. Owner John Stoer said of his quarterback and new best friend, "We are going to have to put the team on his shoulders, especially with the most recent developments." Stoer was referring to the injured knee of second round pick WR Michael Westbrook that will keep him out for the rest of the year. It is the second straight year that the 44's have lost one of their studs in the early season (Terrell Davis last year). Stephen Alexander, playing in his last game as a 44, scored a TD. He'll probably get hurt now. Ray Lewis went back to his double digit ways with 10 points. Ass Hakim had 2 points. The Wookies played better in their second Sunday than they did in their first. The three headed monster seems to be a thing of the past though. Terrell Davis is once again out and Jamal Anderson (2 points) seems but a shadow of his former self. Eddie George did have 6 points. Owner Will Mitchell made a bold move of starting young QB Aliki Smith in place of Vinny Testaverde. The move did not work out all that well as Aliki plays for the crappy Bengals but he did manage to throw as many TD passes as TE Frank Wycheck. Testaverde, meanwhile, stuck a dagger in his owner's heart by not only scoring 20 points but by leading a late comeback against his beloved Patriots. There has been no word on what kind of reaction Mitchell will have for his veteran QB. The real surprise for the 44 defense was the play of Ricky Watters. The fourth wheel of the tricycle scored 2 TD's and played with the reckless abandon that has not been seen in years. He led the team with 17 points. After Sunday, the match up held only a five point difference. Only one player was left - Wookie Ty Law. While the game was on much too late for anyone to bother to stay up and watch, Law was the difference. He made 4 tackles and batted away one Testaverde pass. According to the tie breaker rule, the Wookies won the match up on more TD's: 4 to 3 along with many other complicated factors. Stoer could only point the finger at one player, K Al Del Greco. "That traitor had a chip shot at the end of his game but came to me and said he was suffering from a tired toe and could not possibly make the kick." Del Greco was cut in favor of Syracuse alum, Gary Anderson.
Brentless Brents 106 Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 75 The previews had these two teams going in opposite directions, but the Brents used some cagy maneuvers to take a victory from the Devils in Week Two. It must be a weekly chore for Owner Steve Johnson to mull over his many QB choices and put one in the starting slot. With #1 choice Peyton Manning going against the tough Raider D, Johnson opted for #2 choice Steve Beuerlein. It wasn't a bad pick as Beuerlein, playing in his final game as a Brent, scored 22 points on three TD's. Of course, Manning had 21 points and #3 choice Rob Johnson also had 22. If only the Brents could play more than one QB. If only... Even #4 choice Jeff Blake tallied 14 points and most of that went to surprise Brent WR Joe Horn who had his finest week ever: 19 points on two TD's. The Brents also received TD's from Mike Alstott and Tim Dwight along with 10 points apiece. The real Brent surprise came from the defense which recorded a new record: 37 points and none on touchdowns. Junior Seau had 15 points and Donnie Abraham had 14 points. Amazing defense. Even with all of the Brent tackling, the Mountain Devils were able to take their new edge and score some points. Edgerrin James, that is. James continued his amazing play with 20 more points on two TD's. You could call the Edge, Mr. Consistency because he has opened the season with two 20 point weeks. He had plenty of support as well with Drew Bledsoe adding 10 on Monday night and Marcus Pollard getting that rare TE touchdown. New Devil Cris Carter opened his career in Walnut Creek in style with 11 points all in yards. Imagine what he will do when he starts catching TD passes (as that is all he does). Unfortunately, Owner Rob Ouaou left WR Terrence Wilkens in the line up for the second week in a row, despite Wilkens debilitating injury to his pinky finger. That's a tough injury. Ouaou also might be listening to consultant Josh Wilk a bit too much as he had Olindo Mare in the lineup instead of Mike Hollis. That was a 17 point swing as Hollis had a historic 18 point day. Ouaou shrugged his shoulders and said, "It comes and it goes."
County Coroners (Go Raiders!!!) 73 P-Miss Envy 66 This match up of two of the lower scoring teams in Week 1 figured to show improvement from both teams. The difference turned out to be in planning. Owner Chad Nuss definitely has a plan with this year's edition of the Coroners: Live and die with the Oakland Raiders. In Week 1, Nuss started 5 Raiders and lost. He decided that 5 Raiders were not enough and he put two Raiders, Darrell Russell and Charles Woodson, in on defense. 7 Raiders starters. If the Raiders had a poor day against the Colts, the Coroners were in trouble. Fortunately for Nuss and his team, the Colts couldn't stop St. Mary's School for the Blind. Nuss also tried an innovative offense - the option. He had Rich Gannon run for three TD's and Tyrone Wheatley score two more. The two amassed 40 points. The receivers, mainly used as decoys in the option, only scored 9 points between 5 of them, but Gannon and Wheatley had done the damage. As Wheatley pounded into the endzone for the last Coroners TD of the day, Nuss looked up to the pressbox and screamed, "Now the Envy are no longer the media darlings. We're #1." Despite being beaten by a team of two players, the Envy did make considerable strides toward respectability. They actually scored some touchdowns. The leader of the Envy was everybody's favorite tight end, Jay Riemersma. With last year's lingering groin problems seemingly out of the picture, Riemersma ran wild and scored two TD's and 16 points. He is gaining on TE Wesley Walls (who, by the way, nobody likes) for the #1 TE slot. The Envy also received TD's from Ricky Williams and Keyshawn Johnson. 4 TD's are better than zero. Steve Christie (along with Riermersma) earned keeper status from the Envy for his fine contributions. The main problem with the Envy heretofore is the QB play. Although Steve "Pear" McNair has all the talent in the world, it seems that not having a team named after him is effecting his play. After pinning a -2 on the Envy in week one, McNair actually got worse with a -3 plus a bruised sternum. Ouch. With McNair on the bye, the team brought in Steve Beuerlein from the QB rich Brents for one-week Envy player, Ron Dayne. After the final whistle blew, there was another altercation on the hand shake. Last week Envy Owner Perry Missner refused to shake his opponent's hand after he felt that the other team had run up the score. This week, Nuss said, "Hey, Missner, nice game," which threw the P-Miss owner into a rage. He reportedly said, "You, punk, you should learn some damn manners. You can call me Mr. Missner, Coach Missner or your Royal Highness." These words were liberally sprinkled with the f-bomb. Missner went as far as to choke Nuss out. Upon being confronted with accusations of assault and verbal abuse, Missner denied all charges. League officials have yet to decide what to do with this walking time bomb.
Bull City Bears 89 Weaselicious Good Cookies 60 After running up the score a week earlier to keep his team in contention for the "league championship," the Good Cookies failed to win their second straight game. The media suspects that the 30 Monday night points put on the scoreboard in a match that was already won has earned Owner Dan Weitz a bit of bad karma. It certainly seemed to effect starting Cookie QB Brad Johnson who tied McNair for worst outing of the week with a -3 on the strength of four interceptions. Yuck. The E's of Weaselicious also had poor weeks as Emmitt and Ed both gave the Cookies goose eggs. Both claimed that they would be more comfortable starting instead of being in the offensive flex, but Weitz seems to content with his M's, Marcus and Marshall. The only one who wasn't complaining was Mooshy, who scored a TD and 10 points. "Why can't they all be like Mooshy," crooned Weitz, "my M's and E's need to learn that there is more than ME in TEAM." Ugh. Faulk, Dennis Miller's current, favorite f-word, did score 18 points on one TD. Nobody Likes Walls scored 12 as well. Ugh ugh. There were some rumblings from the Cookie bench as Randall Cunningham scored a surprising 24 points. Weitz was also proven correct in picking up Week 1 stalwarts, Tiki Barber (13 points) and Mr Touchdown, Fred Beasley (9 points). Beasley, has scored 4 TD's despite only touching the ball 15 times. Now that is efficient. The Bears continued to be the surprise team of the league. It just goes to show that Josh Wilk knew what he was doing last year and Owner Randy Chambers knows when he sees a good thing. Mark Brunell and his band of receivers were firing on all cylinders. Brunell scored three TD's and 20 points. He his Marvin Harrison once in the endzone for 15 points, rookie Travis Taylor twice for 17 and Randy Moss once for 8 points. Wait - something doesn't add up. Oh, never mind. Shawn Alexander even managed a point. The only point of controversy came from the end of the bench where last string QB Cade McNown vented his displeasure in a locker room tirade. "If I am not going to play, I don't want to be here. I loves to play the football," said McNown who had a terrible week with a -5. Of course, it would help if his receivers could hold on to the ball, but it is clear that McNown should be headed out. Chambers said he was mulling over several offers. He did make one lopsided trade bringing in Stephen Alexander for Roland Williams. Yeah, that's even.
Week Three Previews Everyone remembers the first time that Jason Moore and Rob Ouaou met on the gridiron. It was Week Two of the 1999 season and prognosticators believed that the Bad News Otters would not win a game, but Ouaou led his troops on to one of the most surprising upsets of all time. The 62-40 win is still talked about in Cambria, while Ouaou remains a bad word in Cubist camp. Everyone also knows about the new edgy Mountain Devils who stumbled against the Brents in Week 2, but are sure to be up for the reigning #1 team this coming week. Will Brian Griese and Jimmy Smith be able to keep their #1 rankings? Will Edgerrin James score 20 points again? Will the Devils first pick up of the season, Curtis Conway, be the deciding factor? The Brents are sure to cool down off their triple digit effort, but will it be just enough to knock off hard luck loser, the Losers. The Brents solved part of their QB quandry by shipping Steve Beuerlein along with malcontent Barry Minter to the Envy for Ron Dayne and Jake Plummer. Dayne and Alstott should form a lethal one-two punch. The Losers hope that WR Wayne Chrebet's 16 points were not a flash in the pan. The suddenly hot County Coroners face the Peaks Island Wookies in what could be an interesting match. Did the Coroners max out on Raider points (the Raiders did score 38 points - can they top that)? Will Wookie Tim Brown figure into the outcome? The Wookies will be playing without Eddie George and Frank Wycheck, which means it is Ben Coates' week to shine. Terrell Davis should also be back this week, which means that promising rookie Mike Anderson of the Envy probably won't be playing. Even if he were, he might not recognize the team around him. The Envy have been wheeling and dealing all week long. They brought in Ron Dayne last week but shipped him out. This week they will feature new players Steve Beuerlein and Torry Holt. It can only get better, but the odds makers will definitely favor the Envy opponent, the undefeated Bull City Bears who will be without top choice Marvin Harrison. In the final game, the 44's will try to regroup from their devastating tie/loss. The 44's play the Waiver Wire pick up team, the Weaselicious Good Cookies. This week's pick ups include Ronde Barber and Hardy Nickerson who are sure to repeat their week two successes.
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