TOP STORY: CUBISTS BACK INTO CHAMPIONSHIP - WHUPPED BY COOKIES
Weaselicious Good Cookies 91 San Francisco Cubists 71 It might not have been the crowning jewel that Owner Jason Moore was hoping for, but his team did what they set out to do many weeks ago in the pre-draft camps. They won their second Modano Mi Hermano championship even though they needed some Week 16 help to do it. With champagne corks popping and long speeches being made about how everyone else deserved credit, the season was summed up by an obviously inebriated Moore as "a complete success. I really thought this second championship was much easier than the first and I give all the credit to the nine other league owners. Their incompetence on draft day made this all possible. Now, I only wish I had the time to throw my hat into the baseball arena - I would dominate there as well." The only thing that took the tarnish of the day was the fact that the team lost to the suddenly resurgent Cookies. Owner Dan Weitz had not forgotten that the Cubists had run up 151 points in Week 7. The two teams on opposite ends of the standings were matched up surprisingly well. The Cookie offensive flex had a nice day with all three members scoring in double figures. Kiki Bano led the squad with 14 points and the three combined for 34. Donde es la Bano led the defensive flex with 8, but they only managed 15 points. The Cookies were hampered again by the play of QB Trent Dilfer, who Mel Kiper Jr. still insists was a wasted pick with that amount of talent on the board. The Cubists were led by a standout performance by hometown hero WR Terrell Owens who had 24 points on a record number 20 catches. RB Curtis Martin continued his fine season with another 12 points, but the rest of the team was drunk by halftime. The first week luck of Aaron Brooks ran out as he managed just 2 points. RB Stephen Davis continued his late season swoon with a season worst Cubist RB -1 points. The Cubists held an 11-point lead going into Monday night, but were blown away by RB Marshall Faulk. Faulk had his second straight 4 TD game and third of the season. He scored 32 points and has 67 in the last two weeks combined. Amber Weitz, comptroller of the team, claimed that Faulk had sewn up a keeper slot for next year.
P-Miss Envy 79 Einar's Luvable Losers 68 While it is clear that the Cubists have won the championship and there is no way that Steve "The Einar" Olsen's Luvable Losers, the first year owner refuses to concede. His case in the courts and on the field was damaged perhaps irreparably by his Week 16 loss to the once again hottest team in the league, the P-Miss Envy. While the Einar tries to figure out how to put enough of a positive spin on this first successful season, his aides have told him not to tell the press anything. There have been some leaks from the Loser camp. The ever ebullient Shannon Sharpe said "[the Einar] should just give it up because no way, no how that the team can make up the ground that it has lost." It is likely that Sharpe will not be back for next year. On Sunday, the team did have some nice performances. Fred Taylor kept up his record of fine play with 10 points and the team was led by Ravens' rookie Jamal Lewis who had 11. The only runner who had an off day was RB Robert Smith who equaled the Loser low for the RB position with only 2 points. While Smith maintains that he is completely healthy, his downward trend makes it look like might be in the beginning stages of one of his many hamstring injuries. What a surprise. The Envy also had an up and down Sunday performance. RB Eddie George topped his already wonderful play as a P-Miss man with 29 points in the Cleveland snow. George's fine play made up for Steve "Pear" McNair who reverted to his early season form with a -2. McNair was said to be raring to go for Week 17 because his keeper status has been given back to him. Owner Perry Missner said, "He is a great leader, a fine competitor and the a good soul." The only player worst than McNair was RB Michael Pittman who tallied a -3. It looks like he had his moment in the sun and now it is back to Cardinal hell for him. Monday night it came down a battle of dueling Ram receivers. The Einar had the advantage because he had QB Kurt Warner as well. Unfortunately, Warner (9 points) could not look past the wide-open Torry Holt (17 points - a new Envy WR high) and mostly neglected Isaac Bruce (3 points) which gave the Envy the win. CNN has pegged the Einar with a Thursday morning press conference.
Bull City Bears 97 Syracuse 44's 51 This is one of the oldest and most storied rivalries in the league. No one is sure where exactly it started but with all of the controversy surrounding Bears' WR Marvin Harrison, this particular chapter had special meaning for both owners. As most of you will remember, Harrison was number one on the Owner John Stoer's draft board and was snatched one pick ahead of him by Owner Randy Chambers. Harrison enjoyed a fine early and middle season but as other Bull City players demanded more attention, he was lost in the shuffle a bit. Last week, for the first time, Harrison spoke of his frustration to Barbara Walters. He said that he decided to sit out the game against the Syracuse, his alma mater and 1999 home. Harrison stuck by his word by not scoring, but it turned out that the Bears did not need him. Chambers shocked Stoer by putting some running plays in the offense. RB Tony Richardson broke all of the Bear season records by scoring an unprecedented 16 points in an all-pro performance. His running set up the play action passing which allowed QB Daunte Culpepper to score a season high 32 points. Culpepper's name is being mentioned for a number of post season trophies already. One vote he won't get is from the opposing owner's father, Eric Stoer, who shouted from the other room that Culpepper "is a Communist." Culpepper's favorite target, Randy Moss also had a nice day with 15 points. The Bears had the high score for the third time this season. All signs pointed for an off week for the 44's. While they were cheered by Harrison's sentiments, without all-world QB Donovan McNabb, the chances seemed so slim that they would win. McNabb was replaced by Shane Matthews whose favorite target Eddie Kennison was on the field. While many appreciated Stoer's attempts to curry favor with the press, the team was hurt by the double 0's achieved by the players. James "Little Man" Stewart led the offense with 9 points and Ray Lewis finally stepped up with a 1999-like 16 points. In the lockerroom, Stoer said, "I send my congratulations to Jamo and all of the Cubists for their win this year. Next I will surround Donovan with some healthy talent and we will be up there."
Brentless Brents 96 County Coroners 45 If there is one thing that Brents' Owner Steve Johnson fears, it is being called a loser. He knew what it was like because throughout his formative years (the 70's and 80's), his team of choice, the Green Bay Peckers, were a bottom of the barrel stinkpot. When opposing owner mentioned the l-word in connection with Johnson, the Brents had all of the bulletin board material they would need for this match of non-contenders. The team came storming out and put a hurt on the team that loves the Raiders. Everybody's least favorite surprise RB Ahman Green led the team with 18 points, a high for the Brent runners this year. QB Payton Manning also had an excellent game with 17 points without throwing to his favorite receiver. The Brents had their third all pro performance from K Ryan Longwell who netted 15 points in the win against the Vikings. DB Pat Tillman continued to lead the league at his position and his captaincy led the defense with 14 points. The only disappointments came from Ron Dayne who has just never gotten it going this year (1 point) and geriatric Jerry Rice who managed to shed his walker long enough to score 2 points. Apparently, Rice did not like playing in what could be his final game in San Francisco against the Bay Area centered Coroners. The Coroners had one of those weeks that we would all like to forget about. While Nuss played a Raider-centric line up, the only offensive player to score in double figures was WR Ike Hilliard with 10 points. The all-Raider defense was led by DB Charles Woodson and had 22 points. QB Rich Gannon had his worst game of the season with -3 points. It was the first negative Coroner QB game this year. Andre Rison blamed his zero squarely on Gannon's poor play. Tyrone Wheatley was able to run for 9 points but it was not enough to prevent the Coroners from suffering their worst blow out of the year. Nuss said that he is now concentrating on the playoffs and sending positive energy to Raiders' coach Jon Gruden. "I bought one of those Chucky dolls and dressed it all in silver and black," said Nuss.
Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 77 Peaks Island Wookies 62 The more things change, the more they stay the same. In week 7, these two teams played the result was eerily similar to their Week 16 match up. In Week 7, the Devils won 77-63 - only one point off the total in Week 16. In Week 7, Edgerrin James who scored 32 points led the Devils. In Week 16, Warrick Dunn who scored 30 points on Monday night to grab the win led the Devils. In Week 7, the Wookies' Drew Bledsoe had a negative game. In Week 16, Vinny Testaverde had -3 points. Of course, this is nothing new for Owner Will Mitchell who has suffered through some of the worst quarterbacking since the days on Randy Wright. Mitchell said, "I sent some spies to the Cubist camp to try and figure out what I am doing wrong, but even the intense drills that Moore runs did not help Testes this week." The Wookies did have one bright light on day from WR Keyshawn Johnson who was finally able to convince Tony Dungy to open up the offense and had his best game of the year with 19 points. Ricky Watters assumed the starting spot and scored 10 points. Yet the team has never been able to overcome the loss of the other Ricky. It was business as usual for the Devils who clinched their first season above .500. The team was less than spectacular on Sunday. RB Edgerrin James was only able to score 6 points, his low game of the season. WR Cris Carter did have 9 points. Owner Rob Ouaou who chooses to do his substitutions soccer style put RB Zach Crockett into the lineup, but Crockett refused to score. It was not until Dunn came out of the lockerroom on Monday that the Devils could claim victory. Dunn not only saved Tampa from relegation but also helped keep the Devils in the upper echelon of the league. Ouaou said, "This has been the finest season I have ever been apart of. Next year, we are really going to be something."
Week 17 Previews With the championship already decided, all of the leagues teams have nothing more to play for besides pride. One time that knows a lot about playing for pride is the Weaselicious Good Cookies. Despite being mathematically eliminated for well more than a month, the Cookies have hit their stride in the late season. They hope that Marshall Faulk can continue to scorch the field when they line up against the bumbling Peaks Island Wookies. The Wookies hope they can end their drought at QB with five straight weeks of zero or less. The best grudge match game of the week has the champion Cubists playing cross-Bay rivals County Coroners. This is the first year in league history that the Nuss-Moore combination was not able to work out a trade as the Coroners' owner said that he would be stepping out of his more successful fellow owner's shadow. That hasn't proved to be the case, but a week 17 win would go a long way to restoring Just Win, Baby pride. The hottest team in the league, Owner Perry Missner's P-Miss Envy, takes on long time Diplomacy ally and tennis rival, Steve Johnson's Brentless Brents. It may be a Ditka style white-washing. The game featuring the most wins has the 10-win Bears playing the 9-win Mountain Devils. In Week 8, the Devils won 96-83 behind 19 points from Cris Carter. All eyes will be on Marvin Harrison to see if he takes his one man strike through the end of the season. Finally, the 44's have their star returning to action with QB Donovan McNabb finished with his bye. He will clearly monopolize the ball when (and if) the 44's have it. The Losers continue to rack up yards on the ground and could dominate time of possession.
End of the Year Awards Information Everyone knows that Americans do not like to vote. It is such a cumbersome process of levers, buttons and other confusing machines. Nevertheless, it is a complete shame that at this late date only 30% of the league's votes have been obtained for the year end awards. To say it is causing a media outrage is an understatement. All of you, and you know who you are, can expect to hear from the league. In case you don't already know, there are 6 categories: MVP, Owner/Coach of the Year, Best Defensive Player, Most Surprising, Most Disappointing and Rookie of the Year. The only rule is you can't vote for yourself or the members of your team. Please get your votes in.
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