TOP STORY: CUBISTS VANQUISH ANOTHER FOE – BEARS COME UNDONE
San Francisco Cubists 95 Bull City Bears 70
Owner Jason Moore can taste it: an unprecendented second championship is well within reach. The Cubists swept the season series against arch-rival Bull City Bears in a much easier fashion that their double 100 scoring Week 5 encounter. Owner Randy Chambers though he had the early upper hand when he saw an inbred, moron, blue polka-dotted QB in the Cubist backfield. Well aware of what a devisive player Brent Farf can be, Chambers figured he had the game in the bag. Chambers also knew he could count on his own MVP candidate QB Duante
Culpepper who had been on fire in recent weeks. The Culpepper-Moss connection fell flat in the biggest showcase of the season as the two combined for 5 points. The Bears offensive flex had a season low 12 points. As the Sunday 4th quarter opened, Chambers pulled Moss for a lackadaisical offer. Moss was offended and the two came to blows. Who won? Well, Moss will be nursing a fat lip and a black eye. Chambers will have to reconsider if he wants Moss back for next year. One Bear who will definitely be back will be Marvin Harrison. Harrison led the offense with
12 points. The Bear defense was again top notch with 31 points to set a new team high, but it wasn’t enough. Curtis Martin took hand offs often and scored 19 points. Farf, who had been buried so far down the player chart that it was thought his best shot at playing was as the backup punter, amazingly scored 10 points. He’ll never be able to do that again. K Jason Elam continued the success for the Cubists with 8 points. The defense had a fine 26 points. On Monday, TE Tony Gonzalez sealed the deal with 15 points, which earned a soft pat on the butt from Moore.
With three weeks to play, the Cubists hold a 2 game lead. Moore was said to be feeling quite confident. A friend claimed, "He has already ordered the ticker tape for the parade down the streets of San Francisco, had his finger sized for the championship ring and has his speech prepared for the Modano Mi Hermano award."
Einar’s Luvable Losers 91 Weaselicious Good Cookies 62 Owner Dan Wietz’s one chance of redemption this season went as well as the entire season has gone for the beleagured owner. His daugher Cassie’s changes to the lineup included Mooshy and Super Joe but they were no match for the reborn Luvable Losers three-headed monster. The Einar’s Luvable Losers won despite having a returning QB who might as well have been Farvish Finkle. The much anticipated return of last year’s MVP Kurt Warner was a total bust as the Ram QB threw 4 interceptions, fumbled and took 12 points away from his team in a new record for futility at the QB slot. Owner Steve "The Einar" Olsen was considering putting a yamicha on his head and putting Jewish Jay Fiedler. "At least he didn’t hurt my team," said The Einar. While the Loser passing game was grounded, the ground game has never been better. RB Robert Smith continued his injury free brilliance with another 19 points. Smith gave credit for his outstanding play to a new diet that includes three pounds of beef a day. Smith was not the team leader in Week 14 as Fred Taylor ate beef to the tune of 30 points. Cory Dillon completed the monster with 17 points. Three runners for 66 points. Outstanding! All hailed the Einar’s decision to bench Antonio Freekman, but panned the decision to play Bubba Franks who scored 1 point. While overshadowed by Warner’s return and incompetence, the Cookies’ were led into battle by Brad Johnson who scored –4. Marshall Faulk did score 11 points without a TD and Emmitt Smith scored 9 points. K Super Joe Nedney continued his fine play this season with 10 points. The Bano brothers had their best combined effort of the season with 21 points with Donde es la leading the way with 14 points. Owner Dan Wietz sent Cassie to her room and said that he considered this season a complete bust. "Next season," Wietz vowed, "I will detroy the Einure!"
Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 122 County Coroners 65 Although they are mathematically eliminated from the championship, the Mountain Devils are serving notice for next season and the future that they are a force to be reckoned with. In Week 14, they humbled the County Coroners with the highest score in franchise history as all of the pieces came together. For the second week in a row, RB Warrick Dunn proved nearly unstoppable as he led the team with 26 points on over 200 yards. Owner Rob Ouaou commented on Dunn'’ recent explosion, "If I knew how much Alstink was holding my main man Warrick down, I would have gone out on the field and given him a hamstring pull myself." While Dunn was the most productive, the clear key to the game was once again WR Curtis Conway. Conway broke into double digits yet again with 11 points. His surprise production has everyone thinking Ouaou for coach of the year. Dunn and Conway combined with WR Hines Ward’s 2 points for a new high at the offensive flex position for the Devils. K Olindo Mare also set a Devil record with an all pro performance of 15 points. Elvis Grbac had 20 points. To continue the punishment, the Devil defensive players all scored in double digits with 32 points led by Brian Dawkins 12 points. Even TE Marcus Pollard scored a point. Ouaou said, "This feels so good. It’s the culmination of all of the hard work that I’ve done on scouting and player development. Of course, I have to thank Josh Wilk for all of his valuable advice.” It looks like the Coroners could use some advice as their record fell back down to .500. The one thing that made Owner Chad Nuss smile was the play of golden boy K Sebastian Janakowski. Janoe had his third strong game with 8 points. Meanwhile, Rich Gannon and Derrick Alexander put down a pair of 13’s, but the Coroner offensive flex looked D.O.A. with only 8 points. Tyrone Wheatley also looked ready for another demotion with a nada.
P-Miss Envy 67 Peaks Island Wookies 54 One Bronco running back won this game and another Bronco running back helped to lose it. Without Michael Anderson in the line up, the Envy would have had close to a repeat of their record low 27 point, week 1 performance. Anderson, who is replacing the Wookies’ Terrell Davis in the Broncos backfield, had the best running back performance of the year with over 250 yards and four touchdowns. His 37 points accounted for 55% of the Envy’s total points which is clearly a record. The former Wookie RB Eddie George was second on the team with 7 points – all on yards. QB Steve “Pear” McNair resumed his role as the Envy starter and was unimpressive. He may be upset at losing his keeper’s status as well as losing the name of the team. He did manage to score 5 points, but no TD’s. He will remain the starter for the rest of the year. RB Michael Pittman also scored 6 points. The Envy did have several team lows including WR where Torry Holt gave the team its first 0 of the year. Holt blamed Kurt Warner who was said to be dating his sister. K Steve Christie also failed to score a point. The defense came close to a record low with 10 points led by Rookie of the Year candidate Brian Urlacher’s 4 points. Owner Perry Missner said, "I guess I have to give the game ball to Michael Anderson. He was the man today. I just hope the rest of the guys show up next week." One person that Missner did not think of give the game ball to was opposing owner Will Mitchell who picked the wrong week to bench his boy, QB Drew Bledsoe. Bledsoe threw for a couple of touchdowns at least and may or may not have won the game for the Wookies. Mitchell chose to start Charlie Batch who gave him nothing. Traitorous Al Del Greco nearly led the Wookies to victory with a season high 16 points. Former Missner favorite Ricky Watters also had a nice game with 14 points, but former Envy starter Keyshawn Johnson only had a single point. Terrell Davis continued to ride the pines with his mysterious injury. Mitchell commented, "Dammit."
Brentless Brents 78 Syracuse 44’s 77 The least consequential game of the week may have been the most exciting as the Brentless Brents exacted some revenge for one of their many close losses in Week 5 to the 44’s. The Brents have now played half of their games in tight situations as seven of their games have been decided by 10 points or less. In fact, three out of the Brents four wins have been by less than 10 points. The injection of more Peckers in the line up actually worked for Owner Steve Johnson. Johnson said, “I knew the Bears wouldn’t sweep the Peckers, but I really didn’t expect this kind of production.” Fumbling Ahman Green led the team with 17 points and the least productive offensive flex had its best game of the season with 28. QB Payton Manning hit his favorite target WR Joe Horn for 9 points apiece. Even the Brent defense helped in the win with 24 points led by LB Anthony Simmons 11 points. Johnson gave the game ball to Captain Pat Tillman who is most productive DB in the league. Tillman had 8 fine points. Only TE Ken Dilger didn’t contribute as he have the Brents their third 0 of the season from the tight end position. 44’s Owner John Stoer could just look down and shake his head at his team’s latest frustration. There were some high lights. Game Ball Donovan McNabb scrambled around and improved his way to 12 points. Another light was the play of WR David Boston who was able to get open for McNabb to launch a couple of bombs to lead the team with 24 points. RB James Stewart was able to gain admittance to the endzone and scored 10 points. The defensive Mikes, Peterson and Minter, scored 19 points, but Chad Brown showed his age as he only scored 1 point. Mike Holmgren can ruin anyone. Clearly, there were some disappointments for Stoer as well. Rookie Peter Warrick only scored 3 points and Shawn Jefferson was no better. The biggest disappointment came from Ass Hakim who scored a –3 on a fumble. It wasn’t a good week for Rams. Describing the pain of the loss, Stoer said, "This sucks worse than the Moody Blues."
Week 15 PreviewsFor the last time this year, Owner John Stoer can say, “It’s Jamo week.” While a win over the Cubists won’t erase a year’s worth of pain and suffering for Stoer, it would go a long way toward building for the future. The Cubists can clinch at least a tie of the championship with a win. The only other team that can still win the championship outright is Einar’s Luvable Losers. The Losers hope to get something positive from Kurt Warner as they face the low flying Peaks Island Wookies. Will the three headed monster be reborn again? The Wookies will be the only team effected by the bye with RB Jamal Anderson sitting out this week. Will Drew Bledsoe be in the lineup to lead the team to victory? The final team in championship puzzle is the surprising P-Miss Envy. Due to their win over the Cubists, they can still claim victory with a tie, but the odds against that seem long. The Envy need to win all three of their final games including the week 15 tilt with hot Mountain Devils. Both teams are likely to go with similar line ups that brought them success in Week 14. Whichever team wins will clinch a record above .500. The Bears hope to gain some revenge for their 96-85 loss to the Coroners in Week 6. Hopefully the Randy fight will be solved by the weekend. The Coroners also are on the rebound and hope their 61 point loss will not be a sign that their season will end with a fizzle. This week’s ugliness comes from Oshkosh where the Brents will face the Cookies. Will the pro-Pecker (Brents) or anti-Pecker (Cookies) faction be able to move to 5 wins?
Awards Information and Reminder It’s the most wonderful time of the year: the time to start considering who to vote for in the end of year Modano Mi Hermano awards. To remind you, the categories are: Coach/Owner of the Year, Most Valuable Player, Rookie of the Year, Defensive Player of the Year, Surprise of the Year, and Disappointment of the Year. The only rule is that you can not vote for any of your own players. Please send votes to [email protected] and I hope to hear from all of you this year.
------------------------------------------Michael Learns to Suck Press----------------------------------------------------
A special thanks to Steve and Jason for supplying me with timely and in depth stats.