TOP STORY: HIGH FLYING BEARS MAKE THEIR MOVE – WHIP BRENTS
Bull City Bears 116 Brentless Brents 87 Like a horse charging down the straight away, the Bull City Bears are pulling out all of the stops on their charge to the top. After dispatching the Brentless Brents in quick fashion, the Bears have now won 4 in a row and are quickly closing in on the first place Cubists. Owner Randy Chambers has vowed not to allow his namesake, Randy Moss, be on an also ran team. Chambers said, “Randy has never been a name that likes to come in second – me or Moss – so I think we will continue our championship run and no one will stop us.” Moss is said to still be paying back all of the teams that did not draft him in the first round, which is all of the teams. Some people never forget. In week 13, Moss had his second best game of the season as he and his buddy Daunte Culpepper staked the Bears out to an early lead with 37 combined points on Thanksgiving. On Sunday, the onslaught continued. Marvin Harrison shook off some recent shaky play with 16 points and London Fletcher led the defense with 16. Freddie Jones created a sensation when he became the first Bear tight end to score a TD. He actually scored two and had 13 points. James Thrash continued his surprising play with 13 more points. The 116 Bear points are a new team high and this is the third time this season that the Bears have broken the century mark. For what it’s worth, the Brents put up a nice number of points as well. Owner Steve Johnson knows his team has been close. Despite the 3-10 record, this was the Brents first loss by more than 25 points. When close games are usually lost, the media likes to focus on the kicking game. Clearly, K Ryan Longwell is not doing his job. He had just 2 points and one can only wonder where the Brents would be with a decent kicker. On the plus side, Johnson can look at the refurbished running attack for hope. Without Mike Alstink in the line up, Ron Dayne gained admittance to the endzone for the first time in over a month. Zach Crockett also had 9 points and Ahman Green showed that he can score in a losing effort. Payton Manning had another good game with 14 points and all guesses are that he will be back next year.
Peaks Island Wookies 64 San Francisco Cubists 60 While there are few people who remember it, even Michael Jordan had an off day. Maybe he didn’t get his new pair of shoes at halftime or maybe Steve Kerr was hogging the ball. Even the best teams have off days. For the Cubists unlucky 13 proved to be too much to overcome. The defensive minded Wookies held the team that hadn’t scored less than 80 points in any week this season to 60. Wookie Owner Will Mitchell said that after studying the stat sheet all night last night, he discovered that the Cubists record in close games was not that great. He decided to play ball control offense with Jamal Anderson and Ricky Watters and let the defense do the rest. The runners scored 27 points and were augmented by Tim Brown’s 12. Randall Godfrey led the defense with 9 points. QB Drew Bledsoe continued to concern Mitchell who suffered through another negative performance. Bledsoe continues to have Mitchell’s full endorsement however because he was so good in 1994. The problems for the Cubists could be seen up and down the usually consistent line up. Only Ronald McKinnon had an all-pro game with 15 points. Owner Jason Moore told McKinnon he could have the game ball and super size it! Coming off a record setting output, TE Tony Gonzalez threw up an ugly zero. RB Stephen Davis was unable to suit up and gave the Cubists their first 0 from the starting running back. Gus Ferrotte also looked like a one week wonder by only scoring 2 points. The only starter to score a TD was WR Eric Moulds who led the offense with 13 points. This late season swoon has Moore more than a bit concerned. The ever quotable Moore said, “Yes, it does concern me. But what concerns me more is that my team is only averaging slightly over 100 points now [1317 points in 13 games]. I would hate to average in the double digits. Still, I hang my hat on the fact that my team is the only one in the league that hasn’t scored in the 50’s. I know that we are only 2-3 in the last 5 games and we have to do better. Hopefully all of these injuries will not prevent from winning the Modano Mi Hermano trophy.”
County Coroners 81 Einar’s Lovable Losers 72 Upon hearing about the Cubists’ loss, cheers went around the Loserville Stadium. Owner Steve “The Einar” Olsen knew that his team could again inch closer to the Cubists and really make things interesting. He forgot about one thing – the County Coroners. Owner Chad Nuss does not like to be overlooked and he made some Week 13 noise by going back to a Raider-based line up. His boys performed for him with QB Rich Gannon leading the way. Gannon scored 20 points and looked prime to take over the QB duties from bay area rival Jeff Garcia. Tyrone Wheatley regained the starting RB slot with his 11 points and notorious K Sebastian Janakowski matched him. Sea-Bass, as he is known in Coroner country, shook off effects of the Mike’n’Ike scandal well. He is said to now prefer Jujubes. Jerome Bettis continued his resurgence with 12 points and Sam Cowart led the Coroner D with 9 points before getting hurt. After the game, Nuss calmed Coroner fans hearts by announcing, “for now on there will be more Raiders. Hell, they are the best team in the NFL.” Who would have guessed? The Losers were a confused bunch this week. There were some ups like the continued excellence of Robert Smith. The human hamstring scored another 12 points. The hope around Loser camp that the Einar is preying that no winds gust at Smith the wrong way. Brother Rod had another big game with 16 and the Bo Jackson like Jamal Lewis who had 20 led the team. The big problems started at QB where Jay Fiedler told his coach that he had to take the week off for Yom Kippur – the Jewish holy day of Atonement. The Einar said, “After last week’s zero, he needed to atone. Still, I thought he was going to be out there.” Antonio Freekman continued to disappoint with yet another 0. The defense rested with only 12 points. The Losers are still within 2 games of first place with 4 to play, but they are not looking forward to week 14 in which they play a Cookie team that is taking the game as its Super Bowl.
P-Miss Envy 90 Syracuse 44’s 59 The annual Brian Mitchell bowl exceeded all expectations once again. All eyes were on the kick returner extraordinaire and while he failed to produce he did lead his team to victory. Asked why he hates the excitable Mitchell so much, 44’s Owner John Stoer replied, “For years this man exemplified the mediocrity of the Redskins with his asinine play. The best day I have had in some time was when we got rid of that bonehead.” That bonehead was brought in to tease Stoer and his struggling 44’s. The 44’s were further hamstrung by Stoer’s decision to sit star QB Donovan McNabb who was playing against the aforementioned Skins. McNabb did have a nice game with 125 yards on the ground (6th most for a quarterback ever and the most since 1972) and 16 points but some things should not be changed. Replacement QB Shaun King looked a bit lost with the great responsibility of replacing McNabb. He did run in a TD and scored 8 points but there was just something sensational missing about his play. The rest of the offensive line up was quite ugly with starters Skip Hicks and Qadry Ismail scoring two points between them. The defense did play well for the second straight week with 27 points led by Chad Brown’s 13. The 44 defense was overshadowed by the Envy D which scored a team high 37 points. 23 of these points came from LB Jason Gildon who managed to outshine wondrous rookie Brian Urlacher. Gildon broke the record for defensive player by forcing two fumbles and recovering another for a TD. He also had 6 tackles and 2 sacks. Giants and Titans led the offense. Eddie George continued his strong play with 17 points. QB Kerry Collins has also played well of late as he scored 10 points. He has attributed his boost in production to limiting himself to a half case of cool, crisp Budweiser each day. “A full case had me feeling slightly bloated, but I feel like a young buck out there on just 12 beers,” slurred Collins. Imnota Toomer scored 11 points on a reversal. After the game, Mitchell was informed that he had just been cut. He has vowed revenge against the Envy who he claims just used him. Stay tuned to how this revenge is delivered.
Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 72 Ripon Weaselicious Cookies 55 It may be that only Devil Owner Rob Ouaou and his the Walnut Creek fans know how far this team has come in just one season. Last season the fledgling franchise drafted retired and injured players. They were extremely lucky to win the few games they did. This season they have a real chance at finished above .500 and in the upper echelon of the league. Ouaou has been given credit by his players because they feel he is very fair. Key to all games Curtis Conway said, “It is very reassuring to know that you are going to start every week. I’ve been on other teams and the coach likes to change the line up at the last minute. That’s not a problem with Rob.” Through Week 13, the Devils hadn’t changed their line up since Week 10 when they took Simeon Rice out for Jeremiah Trotter. The results have been favorable too: 2-1 with a close loss to the Cubists as the only blemish. In Week 13, the Devils used two standout performances to outdo the Cookies. LB Derrick Brooks matched Jason Gildon’s record with 23 points. He had an incredible 19 unassisted tackles and a sack. Without Mike Alstink to slow him down, RB Warrick Dunn broke out with 20 points on two TD’s and 106 yards. RB Edgerrin James also had a nice game with 9 points, but that is nothing special for him. Conway contributed with 3 points. The main man missing was QB Elvis Grbac who left the building with an overdose of fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. It was losing business as usual for the Cookies who lost their 4th in a row. The team was led by K Matt Stover with 14 (a bad sign) and QB Trent Dilfer with 12 (an even worse sign). Emmitt Smith had his bell rung and left the game after 3 points. Even Marshall Faulk was held to 2 points. This led Cassie Wietz to bawl. Marcus Robinson was held scoreless which led Cassie to have a tantrum. Owner Dan Wietz told reporters after the game that Cassie promised big changes for his Week 14 clash with the Einure.
Week 14 PreviewsAll media coverage has been looking toward the top of the standings. The surging Bull City Bears take on the slumping San Francisco Cubists. With only two games separating these teams with 4 to play, the winner could be on the way to the championship. There looks to be a mismatch at QB where Gus Ferrotte takes on Duante Culpepper. If Culpepper and Moss take the early lead again on Thursday night, it may be all over. Jason Moore is hooking hopes on hometown boys Terrell Owens and Charlie Garner who should be fresh after the bye. The other big match up, the Cookies’ Super Bowl, pits arch-rivals against one another. Owner Dan Wietz and his family, with the possible exception of Amber, would like nothing more to stick the dagger into the Losers’ hopes of winning the championship. The aforementioned changes have come in the persons of Brad Johnson, Mooshy Muhammed and Super Joe Nedney. The Einar will have a hard time deciding between the moxy of Jay Fiedler and the production of Kurt Warner at QB. Will this be the week in which Robert Smith finally gets an owie? There are two match ups of teams that are 7-6. The first pits the Devils and Coroners against one another. In week 5, the Coroners spanked the Devils 81-54. Rob Oauoa has decided to finally make some changes in his line up by inserting Hines Ward and Brian Dawkins for Johnny Morton and Rod Woodson. At least Curtis Conway is still in there. He should be the key. Chad Nuss goes with 6 Raiders in his line up to placate the rabid Coroner/Raider fans. In the other 7-6 match up, the Wookies and Envy play. The Wookies have not been on their top game in the past couple of weeks. Meanwhile, the Envy have won 5 out of their last 6 and if it weren’t for Culpepper and Moss they would still be the hottest team in the land. Finally, the 44’s and Brents meet in a battle for the basement. John Stoer welcomes back Donovan McNabb and has Peter Warrick in the line up as a target. The Brents are setting themselves up for another loss with the addition of Bull Scroter to the line up. Three peckers equals loss.
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