TOP STORY: LOSERS TOP CUBISTS; ONLY DOWN TWO GAMES
Einar’s Lovable Losers 83 San Francisco Cubists 82 The week preceding this highly anticipated match up was filled with sound bytes from both owners. Owner Jason Moore proclaimed that if his team, which “reaks of awesomeness” he added, won, the title would be his no matter what anyone did. He may have well been right. However, these bulletin board clippings helped Loser Owner Steve “The Einar” Olson fire up his Warner-less troops. Behind slightly ajar doors, the Einar was heard shouting, “If that guy from Frisco thinks his overrated team has this thing sewn up, he doesn’t know nothing!” Then he introduced guest speaker Tony D’Amato, head coach of the new Albuquerque franchise. D’Amato went on and on for half an hour about living or dying for an inch (which really matters). His speech was punctuated by his trademark “hoo-hah.” To the media’s surprise, the Losers came out and played some inspired ball, football, that is. The Einar brought in a new game plan because of heady QB Jay Fiedler. Fiedler used everything he learned at Dartmouth because his arm stinks. He only scored 3 points but he handed off very well. RB Robert Smith was the main beneficiary of these hand offs with 16 points. Wayne “Flashlight” Chrebet and Isaac Bruce also tasted the endzone for a combined 20 points. Martin Gramatica had 11 points from the kicker slot. The Einar’s plan of using Budweiser as the team’s official endorser also had a side effect that no one could have guessed. With a picture of a can of Bud on each Loser jersey, Cubist QB Brian Griese was a basket case. He couldn’t concentrate on the game. In fact, he and local drunk Brent Farf threw back a few on Sunday. The Cubists found themselves down 23 points going into Monday’s affair, but they had a drunken Griese, Jason Elam and Greg Biekert going against Rod Smith. With Griese not in any state to play football (or operate heavy machinery), Moore knew he wouldn’t have to worry about Smith as well. Elam and Biekert did their parts scoring 19 points combined, but Griese couldn’t stay away from Smith. The drunk scored 8, but 5 of those points went to Smith which gave the Losers the one point win. The Cubists have now lost two out of their last three and are just 2-2 in games decided by less than 10 points.
P-Miss Envy 89 County Coroners 71 The hottest team in all of the land went a different route for their latest victory, but the hits just keep piling up. The Envy, generally a low scoring team that requires the other team to score poorly or to get some incredibly lucky break, used a bit of both this week and a new thing as well. This new thing was a performance that has been unequaled this season. Inspirational pick up Trent Green, who had been coming off of two good efforts, had a great one. He threw for 4 TD’s, ran for one more and totalled umpteen yards. All in all, his 35 point break out, was the best QB score of the season and second best of the season (let’s not forget Jimmy Smith’s 37 points in week 3 - where are you now, Jimmy?). Green had to be Steve Young-like since the rest of the P-Misses were not very consistent. There were some nice players like Green’s favorite target WR Torry Holt (11 points) and other inspirational pick up Michael Pittman (10 points). The Envy defense also played well with a combined 27 - a new P-Miss high. Owner Perry Missner put special emphasis on all-world rookie Brian Urlacher. “He’s really coming along,” said Missner. There were some lowlights as well. RB Eddie George couldn’t hold on to the ball and scored a -3. This establishes a new low for starting running backs. Amani Toomer also had some fumbling problems and ended up with a -2. The two tight end formation did not contribute much as well as Frank’n’Jay only scored 3 points. Despite witnessing the incredible display by Green, Coroner Owner Chad Nuss had reason for optimism after Sunday. Ike Hilliard went completely crazy with 20 points and the Bus showed off his new rear axle with 14 points. With 6 precious Raiders left, the 40 point deficit was not impossible to overcome. Then things starting going wrong for Nuss. First, Tyrone Wheatley became the second straight starting runner to wuss out against the Envy. Then local favorite Sebastian Janakowski got arrested hours before the game for shoplifting some Mike & Ikes from a local CVS. 55 cents is a high price to pay. Janakowski spent the night in juvy. To put the cherry on the crap sundae Nuss ate on Monday, all of the Raider TD’s went to little used RB Zach Crockett. Even Rich Gannon only scored 5 points, which ended the 5 week QB streak for the Coroners. Maybe it would be better to play the #1 QB.
Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 67 Brentless Brents 55 With the quietness of a church mouse, the Mountain Devils, who had hoped to make such a splash with their new approach, have won 5 out of their last 6 games. Some of this, of course, is luck. But the Devils also have a strong core of players and some supporting players who aren’t bad. When asked about the Devils recent success, CNNSI.com’s Peter King said rhetorically, “Is there a quieter 6-5 team?” King went on to say that he had recently had an exclusive interview with Owner Rob Ouaou at a local Starbucks. In his up-coming Sports Illustrated article, King uses 6 paragraphs to describe the coffee, 4 paragraphs to describe his daughter’s recent field hockey loss then concludes the piece with the rhetorical question, “Is there a quieter team that the 6-5 Mountain Devils?” What a reporter! This lack of attention is fine with Ouaou who said to local reporters, “I am just glad that hardly anyone has noticed that I have been playing Curtis Conway for the last month and a half.” On this Sunday, the Devils had a bit of revenge on their minds as they had not forgotten the 106-75 pasting in week 2 that the Brents had put on them. “Every Week” Edgerrin James scored 15 points which seems like his average. WR Cris Carter complimented the Edge with 13 points. “Every Other Week” Elvis Grbac only had 2 points. The Devil offensive flex had its worst week of the season with only 5 points. This effort was not helped by Conway’s one point. Jeremiah Trotter and Derrick Brooks led the defense with 19 combined points. The Brents season is starting to drift away from them. Joe Horn continued his spectacular play with 11 points. He is making a bid for keeper status. Payton Manning also had a nice game with 10 points, but the rest of the team was lousy. Big back combo Ron Dayne and Mike Alstott had 6 points combined. Could it be that the Brents are better when they actually have some puky green and yellow in their line up? Even K Mike Hollis had a bad week with only 3 points which set a new Brent kicker low. Owner Steve Johnson told beat reporters that he was already looking to next year’s draft. “Christ, I hope Michael Vick comes out,” said a salivating Johnson.
Bull City Bears 112 Ripon Weaselicious Cookies 47 Owner Randy Chambers has had one thing in the back of his mind all season long: Every team with Randy Moss has won a championship. In 1998 it was the high-flying Cubists. In 1999 it was the Wilk-inspired team whose name has already been forgotten (I don’t think it was the Omaha Steaks...). With this knowledge, Chambers has let Moss have free rein in the locker room since he is the key to the Bear championship run. Unfortunately, Moss has not had his best season with all of the freedom. The Bears are also middle of the pack, but with a few breaks the Moss legacy could continue. In week 11, the Bears faced the Cookies whom they had beaten soundly in week 3 (89-60). Chambers knew that this would be a good chance to run some new plays to see if they would work on the suspect Cookie defense. Chambers said, “New plays are what is needed for a championship. That and Randy Moss.” Daunte Culpepper continued his strong play as he filled the air with touchdown bombs for 26 points, his highest score of the season. It is the fifth time this season that Culpepper has scored 15 points or more for the Bears. He spread his TD’s around. Moss had one and 12 points, Derrick Mason had another and 13 points while Marvin Harrison had 8 points. Even the Bear ground game showed some meager signs of life with 10 points betwixt Travis Prentice and J.R. Redmond. The defense also showed up with a season high 30 points led by London Fletcher’s 13 tackles. The Bears’ 112 points was the week’s high score. Meanwhile, the Cookies’ 47 points was the week’s low. This was the first time that the high score met the low score and it tied the largest margin for victory (with the Cookies’ week 3 105-40 demolishing of the 44’s). The Cookies just never got anything started. Star favorite RB Emmitt Smith typified the day with an awful -1 score. “That’s typical,” said Owner Dan Wietz who was completely disgusted with his team’s play. “I am not sure what to do,” he said, “maybe it is time to bring in the real coaches: Amber and Cassie [his young daughters].” Amber led the team to decent results in 1998. Twin brothers Kiki and Donde es la Barber talked their coach out of the rash move. “They told me they would play harder next week and lead the team,” said Weitz. “I just hope they don’t lead the team to the toilet.”
Peaks Island Wookies 89 Syracuse 44’s 62 Few people around the league have forgotten the excitement and drama of the week 2 battle between these two teams that ended in a tie. In some ways the results of that game encapsulate the way the season has gone for the two teams. Soon after the loss, the 44’s lost Duce Staley and Micheal Westbrook for the season. It’s tough to recover when two of your top three draft picks go down. Meanwhile, after the narrow victory, Owner Will Mitchell made a blockbuster trade that brought in RB Ricky Williams who responded to Mitchell’s laid back coaching style like peanut butter to jelly. Williams started scoring in double figures in almost every game while leading his team to quite a few victories. In week 11, the Wookies won again but the win might prove to be the costliest one of the season as Williams went down with a broken bone. Ricky did manage to score 7 points before getting hurt. The crucial play came on a Williams run off tackle. Beastly Ray Lewis split his blockers and rammed Williams to the ground. Upon seeing his star runner writhing on the ground in pain, Mitchell ran onto the field with tears flowing from his eyes. On-field cameras picked up Mitchell cursing the fantasy football gods and he commented, “This is almost worse than being beaten by my brother Charlie ... almost.” The rest of the Wookies picked up the pieces and went along for another win. Tim Brown and Jamal Anderson showed the form of past years that led them to all-pro season with 15 points apiece. Keyshawn Johnson who came to the Wookies with Williams had his first decent game in his new uniform with 10 points. Randall Godfrey led the defense with 12 points. Tight end continued to be a problem for the Wookies as they had their third straight zero from the position. Where’s Ben Coates when you need him? The 44’s season has almost bottomed out and it is reflected in the play calling. It seems the one thing that can make Owner John Stoer smile is when QB Donovan McNabb has the ball. There don’t seem to be any straight hand offs in the play book anymore. McNabb plays the option, rolls out, plays the keeper or throws the bomb. Clearly, all of the playing time is helping McNabb. He had 17 points en route to his fifth all pro performance. James Stewart also had 10 points. “Maybe it’s rebuilding time,” said Stoer.
Week 12 PreviewsCubist Owner Jason Moore’s memory runs deep. He still harbors great resentment at last year’s early season loss to Rob Ouaou’s Cambria Otters. He has told his team this game has a special meaning in his heart. Yet with all of the team’s strengths, there is still controversy at the most important position. With Brian Griese succumbing to the whispers in his ear from his drinking buddy Brent Farf, Moore has decided to go with Redskin and Lion reject, Gus Ferrotte. The King of Headbangers’ Ball has many weapons to work with, but the Mountain Devil defense has proven stout in the past weeks. Will this be the week that Curtis Conway breaks out and has 20+ points? The most interested viewer of the Cubist-Devil match will be Steve “The Einar” Olsen. The Losers are playing the overmatched Brentless Brents in a match of Packer fans. This is the one game that determines who has the greater mental dementia. The Losers send Jewish Jay Fiedler out for another start. The Einar hopes that Brock Marion will do to Payton Manning what he did to Brent Farf a few weeks ago. Owner Steve Johnson has recently named Pat Tillman captain of the team. We’ll have to see what kind of effect that has on the team. The hottest team in the league, P-Miss Envy, gets a shot at moving up yet another spot in the league as they face old time nemesis Bull City Bears. Trent Green has been playing great lately and he could really stick one to Randy Chambers by not only leading the Envy to victory but doing it against the Redskins. The Bears hope their 112 points in week 11 was not a flash in the pan. They also hope that J.R. Redmond will provide enough of a running game so that Brian Urlacher will have to respect the running game and not blitz Daunte Culpepper on every play. The Coroners are a team in conflict. Owner Chad Nuss wants to play more Raiders, but the fans and local media want a broadening of players. Nuss only has two Raiders in the line up and printing time. Surely, one Raider he wished he had is Wookie Tim Brown. Drew Bledsoe returns to the Wookie starting line up as Will Mitchell wants his team to not give up hope after Ricky Williams. The week’s final match up is the Cookies and 44’s. Both teams are in need of a spark. Owner Dan Weitz looks to Oronde Gadsen while the 44’s look to Terrell Fletcher and Stanley Pritchett. This should be a low scoring affair.
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