San Francisco Cubists 89 Dumb, Sad Brents 64 In this week's most anticipated match up the man and the team that was named for him met on the gridiron. Would Brent Farf return to his MVP (fluke) days or would he continue to descend into mediocrity? Or worse? These questions and many others were answered early on as Cubist QB Brent Farf came out firing, but it was certainly not on all cylinders. He wanted to prove to everyone that he was worth the first pick that Brent Owner Stan Johannson had spent on Peyton Manning. Farf threw down field on the first 12 plays. The result: one completion, 10 underthrows and one interception. He ignored all signs from Coach Jamie Myer and audibled on every play. It was an ugly display from the halfwit. Eventually Myer got Farf to hand off and the results were much better. The undermanned Brent Defense could not stop Stephen Davis and Curtis Martin who cut through for three touchdowns and 37 points combined. The Brent defense was not helped by LB Barry Minter who is demanding his release. He was on the field for every down and did score 4 points, but they all came when he was closest to Farf who tripped over himself. The Brents also did not receive the best performance from their #1 guy, Manning. Manning did get a TD but only was able to tally 8 points. His best move was turning around and handing off to big back Mike Alstott who scored the predictable 2 TD's and led the team with 15 points. WR Terrance Mathis also had a scored and his 10 points equalled K Ryan Longwell's output. Johannson was said after the game to be redoubling his efforts to trade one of his many fine QB's. Good luck with that. The Cubists are on a season long mission to prove that 1999 was the fluke year, not 1998. In week one, they were proved right. Despite the huge hole at the QB slot, the rest of the team had a nice week which included a score and 9 points from Jimmy Smith. The defense also had a week high of 26 points with 12 points coming from Donnie Edwards and 10 from super safety Rodney Harrison. The only problem that the team may have in coming weeks is to quell the oncoming quarterback controversy. Certainly, anyone off the street would be better than Farf, but Brian Griese upped the ante by scoring 28 points in a brilliant Monday night performance. He seems to have the support of his teammates as well. "I have the non-moron vote," Griese said.
Bull City Bears 59 Peaks Island Wookies 44 This was another meeting of the two former employees of the Library of Congress who have both named their teams after furry things. Yes, it was battle to see who was furrier. Both teams are coming off successful 1999 seasons but there had been much turmoil in both camps. The Bears had the difficult task of regrouping after a year with Farf. The Wookies have to try to go without Willie Mitchman's main man, Drew Bledsoe. The teams have contrasting styles as well. The Bears prefer to put the ball in the air to the top two drafted wide receivers, Randy Moss and Marvin Harrison. While the Wookies like to concentrate on the ground game with three headed monster George, Davis and Anderson. Sadly, the three headed monster is not what it once was. The three only combined for 12 points and one score with most of that coming from Eddie George. The reconstructed knees of Davis and Anderson held up fairly well but both were only able to score 2 points together. Albert Connell blocked well but only scored 1 point. QB Vinny Testaverde, also coming off major surgery, looked very rusty but he was able to score one beautiful touchdown and 8 points. Wookie K John Carney, known for his consistency, did not have an opportunity to score and came up with the rare kicker goose egg. Meanwhile, Bear K Mike Vanderjagt nearly led his team with 9 points on a couple of nice field goals. The non-existent Bear running game was just that. Shaun Alexander did get two carries but it is clear that Randall Chamberlain's team needs a lot of help to balance things out. The Wookie defense was able to double cover both Harrison and Moss and neither scored a touchdown. In fact, they only combined for 9 points. Keenan McCardell reaped the benefits of being essentially left wide open and scored 10 points. Mark Brunell, the worst opening performer of the three Bear QB's, did manage 12 points. The surprises came from the Bear bench where back up QB's Cade McNown and Daunte Culpepper scored 50 combined points. It is amazing to think that neither has been blessed with the Holmgren coaching like Brunell has and they have had early success. Chamberlain insisted that he would continue to go with Brunell as he has "veteran leadership skills and that special something." This is coach speak for "I have no idea what I am talking about."
Weaselicious Good Cookies 78 P-Miss Envy 27 This match up of Oshkosh North High School graduates always features a great deal of acrimony. The long history of Titan battles and Wrasslin' matches has never had a decisive winner. This week we had a decisive winner as the Envy barely showed up and the reformed Good Cookies used all of the old motivational tricks to dominate. The majority of Sunday had the two old rivals keeping the score low in a field position battle. The Cookies were able to score a few early touchdowns to take the lead with Brad Johnson, a regretful Marcus Robinson and that disgusting ensign Wesley Walls scoring TD's. Robinson was regretful because he knows how much Envy owner Larry Miser enjoys his style of play and how his owner Donny White continually calls him "Carcus." The Envy looked more and more inept as the team seemed more able to get points on tackles than they were able to score points on yards or touchdowns. All-World QB Steve "Pear" McNair had the worst game of his storied career. He ended up with -2 points but none of his offensive mates were able to do much as well. The leader of the offense was Keyshawn Johnson with a mere 4 points. The team was led by K Steve Christie. Even everybody's favorite guy Jay Riemersma was kept off the score board. The Envy scored week lows at quarterback, tight end, offensive flex (4 points) and defensive flex (9 points). It was just one of those weeks. The only Envy touchdowns came from back up QB Jake Plummer who threw for two meaningless scores. All Miser could do was throw his hands up in the air. With the game in his pocket heading into Monday night, all goodness and decency called for White to call off the dogs. He was already leading by 21 points, but White had other ideas. He had already turned his team upside down by cutting half of his roster for guys whose names will soon be mentioned in the same breath as Mack Strong. Fred Beasley? Please. White ordered Marshall Faulk and Easy Ed McCafferty to pour it on. The two combined for 30 points which did not set well with Miser or his team. Miser gave White the cold shoulder at the customary post-game 50 yardline meeting. Perhaps it was unwise for the Good Cookies to add insult to injury since the two teams will meet again in Week 10. Only 9 short weeks away - there will be trouble!
Syracuse 44's 80 County Coroners (Go Raiders!!!) 50 The 44's have quickly inherited the mantle of "The Show of Shows" from last year's Allentown Chippies. Throughout the preseason, the 44's, led by owner Jim Stuer, put on dazzling shows for the fans (who only had to pay 5 bucks to get into the "open" practices). QB Donovan McNabb had clearly matured and he was given plenty of weapons to work with. His current favorite is his running mate Acey Duecy Staley. Staley went wild and tied Faulk's 23 points for week high, but he did with only one touchdown. That's lots of yards. The Missile Qadry Ismail was the only 44 to put the ball in the endzone for the third highest scoring team. The 44 defense chipped in an adequate 17 points although Stuer was sure that CB Champ Bailey was getting screwed by the man for all of the tackles and passes defended that the scorers missed. "I counted 23 tackles and 12 passes defended," said Stuer as he pondered the benefits of going to work naked. Stephen Alexander can do better than the one point he scored. This may be a long season for the Go Raiders!!! Owner Charlie Nussboum has decided to let his heart play the dominant role in the team as he drafted nearly all Raiders. It is going to be tough for the Coroners when the Raiders don't play particularly well as they did on Sunday. Even though the Raiders only scored one touchdown, the Coroners received credit for it twice. Late line up insert WR Andre Rison burned down the house for a TD score from the somewhat weak arm of Rich Gannon. That was all of the ink that the Coroners earned. Oop, there was the one made PAT by first round pick Sebastian Janakowski. Upon making his first kick of the season, Nussboum exclaimed, "That was the greatest point after touchdown I have ever seen!" Well, it was something. Jerome Bettis continued his roll into the ditch with no points and Ricky Dudley did not contribute as well. The non-Raider defense did have a nice 19 points, but one would guess that they will soon be replaced by the black and silver as well.
Walnut Creek Mountain Devils 85 The Losers 67 Throughout the summer, the Mountain Devils and their Owner Rob Ouaou had been reforming their image. They did not want to be know as the bye week team or by any of the other sad, playful names they had been called in 1999. They had a nice draft with Edgerrin James and other upgrades from last year. Ouaou knew his team needed one more thing to lift them over the top - a new song. He sat up night after night trying to pen something fierce yet catchy, angry yet not threatening, grungy but not dirty. In the end, he came up with the perfect song which blared as the Mountain Devils ran out on the field. "We the Devils. We on the level. And We Gonna Level You!" The song seemed to fire up the team as they scored an unheard of 85 points. James fulfilled all expectations by scoring two touchdowns and 19 points. Drew Bledsoe had a nice game with 12 points and rookie Ron Dayne pounded into the endzone with 11. The special teams of the Devils also came through with a lot of points. #1 Kicker Olindo Mare had 11 points and LB Derrick Brooks led all defensive players with 15 points. With the excellent new fight song bumping and grinding out of the new sound system in Walnut Creek, the Losers could only be frightened. The team started off very slowly. Only Joey Galloway was able to score a TD on Sunday. He later revealed that he was hurt on his scoring play but some believe that he simply did not want to play any longer for alleged Packer fan Steve "the Einar" Olsen. The Einar would not answer any questions on the subject but he did want to comment on something else: "My team has enough distractions, but why does that felon Mark Chmura have to come to every game in his ugly orange prison suit. Shouldn't he picking up garbage along highway 41 or something?" The team did seem to be drained of its life blood. Antonio Freeman nearly fainted as he was running a Z-route. Yet with all of the problems, the team still had a chance to come back on Monday with consensus MVP QB Kurt Warner taking the field with Isaac Bruce at his side. Warner did lead all QB's with 17 points but none of his TD throws went to Bruce. Maybe next week. From the Loser bench came an incredible performance. Back up QB Jon Kitna scored an amazing -13 points on 6 turnovers. It may be time for him to be cut.
Week 2 previews - The schedule only gives us one match up of Week One winners - The Cookies or Bears could be the one undefeated team after Week 2. The Cookies feature a much more balanced line up which has featured few early substitutions. Of course, Owner White has picked up almost every free agent that scored a TD in week one. Good luck with Bruce Smith. The Bears will continue to go with their pathetic running attack led by rookie Shaun Alexander. Something must be done about that. Harrison and Moss should be more of a factor this week. The highest scoring team, the Cubists take on the highest scoring loser, the Losers. How long can the Cubists go with Brent Farf and continue to win? Not long is our guess. Brian Griese seems completely ready to take over for the inept Farf, but we'll have to see if Owner Myer has the guts to stand up to media pressure and continue to force feed the Cubist fans a steady diet of Farf. The Losers should be buoyed by the bye return of Corey Dillon, a Cubist last year. Another team that should be buoyed by a new week is the P-Miss Envy. It is hard to go one week without any touchdowns, but two weeks is downright impossible. The Envy will have flashy rookie Peter Warrick on the field for his first action, but main man Curtis the P seems ready for some time on the pine. The Envy opponent, the Coroners, seem to have figured out their main problem: not enough Raiders in the line up. Darrell Russell and Charles Woodson should be solid additions to the almost all Raider line up. More Library of Congress mayhem is sure to ensue as the 44's and Wookies match up. Will the three headed monster regain its fierceness or will torn up knees be the end of it? Will Al Del Greco find some way to stab another owner through the heart. Finally, we have two teams headed in opposite directions. The Brent-less Brents will continue to throw a lot of mediocre receivers on the field with hopes that Peyton Manning can somehow get them the ball, while Edgerrin James leads the new sing-songy Devils toward their second victory.
----------------------------It is Rob Ouaou Press---------------------------------------------------