TOP STORY: WILK DECIDES NOT TO DEFEND CHAMPIONSHIP, RETIRES ON TOP

Wilk Officially Retires, Will Advise Ouaou - February 26, 2000 - Apartment 2B, Greenbelt - "I officially retire from the Modano Mi Hermano Fantasy Football League as I am going to get married and start a family." With these words, reigning league champion Owner Josh Wilk retired from this form of fantasy football. His departure leaves a great rift in the league that probably can not be filled. Wilk's combination of player motivation skills and malapropistic team namings will sorely be missed. Even his chief rival, Syracuse 44's Owner John Stoer felt the sadness. "I know that our battles had sometimes been contentious in the past, but I know that Wilk put his heart into the game as much as any other owner. On the other hand, now I will have the market cornered on former Orangemen," he added with a grin. Some accuse Wilk of following in John Elway's footsteps, but rumors have him going anywhere but Disneyland. "For now, I am just going to take it easy and work on my foundation," said Wilk. "I also want to spend more time with my family as the long hours of fantasy football have taken their toll on all of my relationships." Rob Ouaou was later to make a statement that Wilk had agreed to be a consultant to his second year effort. Wilk's first piece of advice was not to draft Barry Sanders.

Key West Jerrytown Smokers Go Their Own Way, Cherry Only In It for the Money - June 15, 2000 - Somewhere in Key West - Key West Jerrytown Smoker Owner Don Cherry and his team have gone their own ways. After the 1999 season, Cherry started to ruffle the feathers of the other league owners by making controversial statements about playing for money and having a grand trophy for the grand champion. In an interview with ESPN's Dan Patrick, Cherry said, "Look, what am I playing for? I put in the time, make the trades, win a few games, lose a few games. It is not as if I had Mack Strong in my line up this year; I was paying attention! And what could I possibly win for all of my efforts? A big, wet fart in the wind. Nothing. Nadda." "Fart in the wind," echoed Patrick. Cherry's comments did not win him any fans with the other owners. One anonymous owner said, "Look, I wouldn't mind playing for money, but it's not about the coin, it's about the kwan." Cherry had proposed raising ticket prices at Smoke-Filled Stadium and was grousing about fan support. Despite the beautiful location, Smoker players had second thoughts about coming back. Even Steve Beuerlein said, "I had a helluva year for Cherry last year, but he is obviously interested in other things." When the league referendum narrowed the teams to 10, rumors flew that that the Smokers would be one of the teams that lost their charter. When invites into the league went unanswered, the Smokers blew away.

To No One's Surprise, Kerry Collins Dooms the Chippies - July 21, 2000 - Allentown, PA - With a rather successful season in the books, there was only one thing the Allentown Chippies could do: pah-tay. The team gathered in Allentown Square and had a bash that shall never be forgotten. The mayor of Allentown gave Owner Aaron Jacoby the keys to the city, then Jacoby made a terrible mistake: He let Star Quarterback Kerry Collins borrow the keys, "just for a moment." Collins took the company car to the keg store and ordered all of the Bud Draft he and his buddies could drink. That is a lot of beer. Collins also brought some of his honeys to the party. Things really got out of control when Michael Irvin showed up. "I thought I heard someone partying," said an obviously altered Irvin. Police arrived on the scene soon later to arrest Irvin again for disturbing the peace. When the party was through, Allentown was a mess and Collins was found urinating on the statue of Jebediah Allen. The Mayor of Allentown took the keys away from Jacoby and the Chippy accountants told Jacoby the bad news: the team was bankrupt. Sadly, Jacoby had to forgo owning the Chippies this year.

After Dominating his ESPN League, the Einar Decides to Play with the Big Boys - August 2, 2000 - Pick'n'Save Ripon, Frozen Foods Section - Having played in pay leagues and won everything possible (except a league title), Steve "Einar" Olsen has decided that he will throw his hat into the Modano Mi Hermano ring and play with the big boys. In his August Press Conference, Einar announced, "I was rated 99.7% in the country with ESPN and I dominated such luminaries as Simmons and Fuzzy Navel. Now I want to prove that I can win with anyone. I know that my chief rival will be the Weasel (Owner Dan Weitz), but I will take down all comers." The Einar has not only adopted a new rivalry with his fellow owner Weitz, he has also adopted something else from his video game mentor. It is common knowledge Weitz's team morphed from an incredibly long and complicated name into the Losers last year. This year the Einar is taking the team name early. Sure, he tried the unfortunate Einar's Lambeau Leapers (an event that will happen very rarely this season), but this was quickly rejected by the fans and media. Media pundits quickly shortened the team name to E.L.L., then to "L." And everyone knows that L stands for Loser. The media dubs Einar's team, The Losers.

More than 50% of the League Changes Team Name, Location While there are some owners that prefer the consistency of the same team name year after year (and who can second guess these owners as they have won Champion status two out of three years), the rest of the league have become nomads again. The most sensible of these team moves came with last year's Cville Wookies. After leaving Cville, Owner Will Mitchell moved to Peak's Island, Maine and didn't feel like traveling back to Virginia to see his team play. He found an unused patch of grass and told the team they would be playing there. The most unfortunate team name change came from Owner Steve Johnson. Last year, he was at the helm of the relatively funny St. Paul Panting Parishioners. Yes, it was a little long, but it was humorous for awhile. Johnson must have been hit on the head a few times during the offseason and came with the Dumb, Sad Brents - or something like that. Knowing that his team name of the Losers was taken by the Einar, Owner Dan Weitz once again for the incomprehensibly long name. Officially, the team is called "MMMMM Them Ripon Cookies are Weaselicious," but that is much too long to last. We'll have to see what the media comes up with for that one. Rob Ouaou had tried to make his team a nice, friendly group that would be playful for the fans. That failed miserable as the team proved to roll over too easily. "We need an edge," said Ouaou. The necessary edge came in the form of the Walnut Creek Mountain Devils. Scary, almost frightening. Owner Chad Nuss loves the Raiders. Word is, he has earmarked K Sebastian Janakowski for his first pick in the draft. Finally, we have a team that has found a location and is going to stay with it. The wayward team of Owner Perry Missner has changed location year after year. From the Refrigerator to BluePerry to the Pears, all of the names have been extremely clever, but never added up to a championship. With the invention of the P-Miss Envy, Missner believes he has a keeper. "Championship or no, there is nothing I'd rather be than a P-Miss."

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