2000 YEAR END AWARDS BANQUET
The Event: The 2000 Modano Mi Hermano End of the Year Awards
The Setting: John Adams Hall of the Library of Congress
The Hosts: Dennis Miller and the bombastic Dan Dierdorf
[Opening Music � Commissioner Tugwell sings My Way]
Dennis Miller: Hello everyone and welcome to the 2000 Modano Mi Hermano End of the Year Awards. Finally, I can say what I want away from Al and Danny.
Dan Dierdorf: Did somebody say my name?
DM: Oh no, they stuck me with another football bozo who thinks I can�t know what a zone blitz is because I never played the game.
DD: [bombastically] Hey, I am a damn Hall of Famer.
DM: That may be, schmoopy, but you probably think the Carthaginians cause cancer.
DD: [Slack-jawed, blank stare]
DM: And here we are at the historic Library of Congress � the greatest storehouse of knowledge in the world. Danny, did you know that this hall which we are standing in once held the Dead Sea Scrolls?
DD: [now smiling] I once swam in Lake Michigan.
DM: Good Christ, I am hosting an awards show with Koko the Chimpanzee, except he probably doesn�t like bananas. You like bananas, don�t you cha-chee?
DD: [still smiling] Danny likes bananas.
DM: OK, let�s get on with it, eh, Chiquita boy?
DD: Yes, you know, I used to be on the Monday Night football broadcast, but they kicked me out for Boomer.
DM: Fascinating repartee, Danny boy. I replaced Boomer so you can see we are working on an evolutionary scale here. Now for those of you at home, we will get to the End of the Year Awards, including the Best Owner/Coach Modano Mi Hermano trophy after two special presentations. First, the boys on the stats side have sent us their representation of an ALL PRO TEAM. You like stats, don�t you, Danny Bananny?
DD: I weighed 300 pounds before I went on the Atkins diet. Now I weigh 293.
DM: After the all-pro team, each team will be announcing their keepers for 2001. We�ll have a special commentator to help us with analysis, but we�ll get to him later.
DD: [child-like] Can I tell the secret now? Can I? Can I?
DM: Not yet, babe. Just hold onto your pantaloons. Let me explain how the all pro system worked. Our crack staff kept close statistical charts on the season and used averages from each position to give us the all-pro. For comparison�s sake, we�ll also give you an all-no team. The teams with the worst average. Let�s start with signal caller-
DD: [bombastically again] You know what the problem with fantasy football is � [blank stare again]
DM: Surprising Daunte Culpepper and Mark Brunell led the Bull City Bears to a 17.47 per game average at the QB position. Meanwhile, the Peaks Island Wookies had a horrible year at QB with Vinny Testaverde and Drew Bledsoe unable to recall past glories. They averaged a paltry 4.65 points.
DD: Look out, we may have overtime. You know, Dennis, if there was one thing that Al Michaels hated, it was overtime. He was always ready to get out to the club scene...
DM: Uh huh, booby, you just entertain yourself. At starting running back, the Cookies dismal scene was uplifted by the play of Marshall Faulk and others. The Cookie�s RB position averaged a whopping 18.06 points. Meanwhile, Air Randy Chambers led his ground attack in the attack to a weak 3.71 average.
DD: Oh yes, the problem with fantasy football is that the most important position is not even considered. Everyone knows to win in football, you need a great offensive line. Where are the stats for offensive linemen? Pancakes? Holds?
DM: Only you would be asinine to make such a ridiculous point. Do you want people to draft Jimbo Covert and Eugene Chung? The rest of the all-pro team will have a similar look that deals with San Francisco. Jason Moore tabbed Terrell Owens and Jimmy Smith to a tune of 9.59 points per game. It is no surprise that the Syracuse 44�s could only manage 4.53 since Marvin Harrison was snatched away from them.
DD: Wait, Dennis, tight ends sometimes block, so I�ll do this one. Tony Gonzalez was the dominant tight end this for the Cubists. He even was in the line up during their bye week. He averaged 7.82 points per game. Meanwhile, the Bears were unable to get much out of Stephen Alexander and Freddie Jones and only made 2.18 points per game.
DM: Thanks for the help. We move on to the all-important offensive flex. Surprisingly, the Cubists were beat out by Einar�s Luvable Losers. Players such as Fred Taylor, Jamal Lewis, Rod Smith and even Antonio Freekman helped the Einar�s band average 27.35 points per game. The 44�s offensive was decimated by injuries � Duce and Westbrook � and they were only able to average 13.29 points.
DD: I love Duce!
DM: So do I. Matt Stover helped the Cookies grab their second all pro position at kicked with 8.53 points per game. The Wookies were also given their second bottom ranking with John Carney and traitorous Al Del Greco scoring just 6.59 points per game. As far as defense �
DD: Defense wins championships!
DM: Yes, that�s true, now SHADDUP!
DD: You can�t talk to a hall of famer that way � only Conrad Dobler can talk like that.
DM: Hey, strongman Joe Piscopo is a friend of mine. He could open a can of whup ass on all of you and your hall of famers.
DD: OJ is a hall of famer.
DM: OK, good point, schmoopy. You do defense.
DD: Finally, the Cubists were led by Rodney Harrison, Donnie Edwards and Ronald McKinnon to a nice tune of 25.41 points per game. That�s not chopped liver! The Cookies were unable to muster much on defense with 15.82. How about picking up some linebackers instead of so many defensive linemen? Those guys are wussies. Now, offensive linemen, they are tough. I once knew a guy-
DM: As far as the overall team score goes, the Cubists again reigned supreme. They scored 99.61 points per game which represents the highest average in Modano Mi Hermano history. The last place 44�s only scored 66.24 points per game. Their Week 17 tribune to the Orange didn�t help matters in that respect.
DD: Jesus, this has gone on long enough, can I please introduce our secret guest for the keepers. I have a great name all picked out for the next segment. Can I? Can I?
DM: I am dealing with a Pedro Guerrero intellect here. Go ahead, spiggity do.
DD: I proudly introduce you to our special guest analyst. Mel Kiper Jr! For our new segment called Kiper�s Keepers.
DM: That�s pure freakin� genius.
Mel Kiper Jr.: Hi everybody, I have been in the main reading room pounding down coffee after coffee and I am ready to give my analysis of the keeper picks. Let�s get on with it.
DM: Each owner will come to the podium to announce their keepers, followed by Mel�s analysis, then maybe a donnybrook. Two owners chose not to show up for the banquet and also did not vote for the awards. Peaks Island Wookie Owner Will Mitchell apparently got lost on the way here and Rob Ouaou of the Walnut Creek Mountain Devils has gone missing.
Everyone in Unison: Where in the world is Rob Ouaou?
DD: Anyone who doesn�t vote is un-American.
Eric Stoer: [bursting onto the stage] Or a Communist!
DM: Hey, I am a Communist.
[ES tackles DM and beats him severely until the metal detector guys pull him off and toss him onto Independence Ave]
MK: Since Mitchell and Ouaou aren�t here, I�ll give their keepers. Mitchell went with injured runners Terrell Davis and Ricky Williams along with Wookie favorite Drew Bledsoe. Clearly, all three of these guys are risks with none of them screaming out as keepers. Williams had an excellent midseason and Davis was the league MVP two years ago, but if their rehab is not going well, the Wookies are screwed. Tim Brown is no youngster but he does produce. I think he would have been a better selection than any of the three Mitchell kept. Ouaou totally dropped the ball by only keeping two of his players. No one can argue with the two players he did keep though � Derrick Brooks was the only defensive player kept and he is the reigning number one linebacker. Edgerrin James was the second rated runner and single handedly turned the franchise around with this upbeat attitude. For the third slot, I would have taken Cris Carter who shows no sign of slowing down. Also, Elvis Grbac could have been rewarded for another solid season, but who knows what this guy is thinking?
DM: I am back and I have decided not to be a Communist anymore. I am not sure what I was thinking � anyone who could be a shill for 10-10-220 couldn�t possibly in anything except for the money. Thank you Eric Stoer!
John Stoer: [sheepishly goes up to the stage] Dennis, please don�t encourage him. My keepers are, of course, led by my best friend, Donovan McNabb. He is freekin� awesome. I am also keeping James Stewart and my late pick up tight end Wesley Walls, who I don�t really like.
MK: Nice picks, John, although I hear that Walls is only in the lineup because you are saving that spot for Marvin Harrison who wants to come home to Syracuse.
JS: [tongue out, drooling]: Aarrarggrggh
MK: I was a bit surprised you didn�t keep Ray Lewis. I�ve heard he has a bit of temper.
JS: I expected him to be a difference maker and he just wasn�t. His spot will probably be filled by Keith Bullock next year.
DM: The Einar is next.
Steve �The Einar� Olsen: I am keeping Kurt Warner, Fred Taylor and Isaac Bruce.
MK: I foresee injuries being a problem with these guys. Taylor was great in the second half of the season, but he has always been nicked up. Warner missed a month of the season and Bruce has a history of injuries.
Dan Weitz: Heh, Einure, you suck.
MK: Well, just a minute, the rest of the Einar roster is filled by guys who have injury problems, except possibly Rod Smith. He might have been a solid pick, but Robert Smith, Jamal Lewis and Freekman have had injury problems.
SO: See, Mel is on my side, weasel boy.
DW: Mel, what did you think of my keepsies? Marshall Faulk, Emmitt Smith and Joey Galloway...
MK: Faulk is a gimme. Emmitt is a warhorse and should continue to produce even if Troy Aikman isn�t around. Galloway, however, won�t produce if Aikman or a suitable replacement isn�t around. I might have gone for Easy Ed McCafferty in that slot, but Galloway has played with awful quarterbacks before so he�s got a chance to be something special. Points are given to you for Cowboy loyalty while the Einhower didn�t keep a single Packer.
DW: See, Einhower, Mel gave me points.
SO: Oh, go have naked time.
DM: Next is Chad Nuss.
Chad Nuss: [wearing all silver and gold with a spiked helmet and shoulder pads] I would just like to say how much this Raiders� season meant to me. I hate the Ravens and hope they get killed in the Super Bowl. Go Raiders!!! Now, my keepers are my twin QB�s Jeff Garcia and Rich Gannon along with WR Derrick Alexander.
MK: Now, this is a surprise. A roster full of Raiders, a first round pick spent on Sebastian Janakowski and he drops all but one of his Raiders.
CN: I like winning once in awhile.
MK: But keeping two QB�s who can�t play at the same time? I just can�t agree with that. Alexander is a fine receiver but he will hard-pressed to equal his 2000.
CN: Mel, you are self-righteous jerk.
MK: [smugly] yes, I am.
DM: Steve Johnson, come on down.
Steve Johnson: Thank you. Mel, I would just like to say that keeping two QB�s is not crazy. I named my team after one quarterback and proceeded to draft four QB�s in the first five rounds who were not named Farf. No one called me crazy.
MK: You�re crazy.
SJ: OK, you�re the first. My keepers are Payton Manning, Ahman Green and Joe Horn. I think they will lead my team for many years in the 21st century.
MK: Manning is in the Faulk class of easy pick. Joe Horn had a nice season and I can�t argue against him, but Ahman Green is a real stretch. The guy has always been known for fumbling. Yes, he had a nice season which was a surprise to some, but when you are playing with a QB who is as risky as Brent Farf, you are going to get the ball a lot. Has there been a Packer runner who had two nice seasons in a row?
DM: I don�t think so.
SJ: But, but, but, what about ... ? Oh, what a mistake I have made.
DD: I like Randy Chambers and he is next.
Randy Chambers: Nice to see you again, Dan. My three picks were the easiest thing I have ever done. They are Daunte Culpepper, Randy Moss and Marvin Harrison.
MK: Yes, those are easy picks. What do you think about Harrison�s plea to be sent to Syracuse?
RC: Frankly, I think Marvin owes me BIG TIME for getting him out of that awful situation. I have his signature on an open ended contract so until I decide to let him go or Sto offers me more than he did last season, Marvin will be in Bull City.
MK: That�s no Bull. The Bears are set for years.
DM: Perry Missner, you�re turn.
Perry Missner: Thanks, Dennis. I thought you were great on Monday Night Football this year. And Dan?
DD: Yes?
PM: I think you are an idiot. My picks are Steve McNair, Eddie George and Torry Holt.
MK: Another shocker. How could drop Mike Anderson? The guy had some huge late season games to keep the Broncos and Envy on the winning side. I know that you feel a sense of loyalty to McNair, but he simply doesn�t deserve to be given so much rope. Also, Brian Urlacher looks like a beast on defense. He should have been kept.
PM: Excellent reasoning, Mel. When you get your own team, you can try to cut a weeping quarterback yourself. Steve McNair is like my brother and I would never cut him.
MK: Good luck trying to win a title with those kind of loyalties. There is only one owner left � Champion San Francisco Cubists� Jason Moore.
Jason Moore: I was up for a week trying to figure out who to keep for next year. It is these decisions that leave me wringing my hands and worrying all of the time. Hopefully, Mel will agree with these picks � Stephen Davis, Terrell Owens and Tony Gonzalez.
MK: Well, Jason, with your storehouse of talent, it was hard to go wrong. I might have kept Curtis Martin or Charlie Garner over Gonzalez but I certainly see your reasoning in your picks. Great job and great picks.
JM: Mel likes me! He really likes me.
MK: Whoa, let�s not take this too far. I had better get out of here. I have a combine to run in Fargo. Maybe I�ll come back next year if the price is right.
DM: Thanks, Mel. It was great to have you here. Now, we move on to the part that you have all been waiting for � the awards!
DD: You know, Dennis, I love awards. I remember when I was inducted to the Hall of Fame. I gave credit to the two people who helped me most: Johnny Carson and my mother.
DM: You�re out there, space man. The first award we will be presenting is the Sneaky Pete Trophy for Most Surprising Player of the Year. Last year Kurt Warner shocked everyone with his brilliant play. This year the award, like many of the awards it seems, is a tie.
DD: But before we will tell you who won, let us just mention the people who had the honor of being nominated. The Einar�s Luvable Losers nominated Cubist RB Charlie Garner who was able to stay relatively healthy for the second year in a row for his home team. He ended up being the 10th rated runner with 9TD�s and over 1900 combined yards. The Bull City Bears nominated Coroner QB Jeff Garcia who looked like he might be beaten out in preseason by Rick Mirer. Garcia had a career season with over 4000 passing yards and 31 passing touchdowns along with 4 rushing TD�s.
DM: Frisco will surprise you! Now the winners. Coming from a podunk school like Central Florida won�t set the world aflame, but Daunte Culpepper did. I wrote that one last night. The way that Culpepper led the Bears to a near first place finish really surprised the Envy, 44�s and Cubists. It is fairly astonishing that a man that had not played a down in the NFL was able to throw for 33 TD�s and 3937 yards. He also rushed for another 470 yards and scored 7 more TD�s on the ground. He scored 17.2 points per game and was the highest rated QB.
Daunte Culpepper: I would just like to thank Randy Chambers for giving me a chance to play. He and Denny Green are my two favorite people. I would also like to tell Marvin Harrison that I will be glad to be throwing bombs to him last year. Marvin � you the man!
DD: Dennis, you did say that this award was being shared, didn�t you?
DM: You are paying attention! Yes, the Coroners, Brents and Cookies all selected Envy RB Mike Anderson. Anderson had the unenviable task of replacing Terrell Davis in the Bronco backfield and did so with aplomb. Anderson ran for 1500 yards and 15 scores and had 37-point outburst in week 14. He came out of nowhere!
Mike Anderson: The Library of Congress is the most beautiful building I have ever been in. I studied architecture at University of Utah, so I know about this kind of thing. Oh yeah, thanks for the award.
DM: From most surprising we go to the Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player.
DD: You know what disappoints me, Dennis?
DM: What�s that, muchacho?
DD: I just made a mess in my pants and I forgot my Depends.
[Dierdorf shuffles off the stage in obvious discomfort]
DM: I guess this leaves the whole show up to me. Fortunately, I remembered my Depends. Last year�s Pussier winner received another vote in 2001. When your name is synonymous with inbred moron, you are fairly assured to get some votes as a Pussier. The Envy tabbed Cubist Brent Farf again. Farf was able to throw for 3800 yards and 20 TD�s, but his 27 turnovers and inability to beat out Aaron Brooks and Tony Banks for the starters slot made his 2nd round draft pick seem very high. If turnabout is fair play, then the Cubists tabbed the Envy�s third round pick Curtis Enis as most disappointing. Enis was lost in Gary Crowton�s cockamamie offense and barely got on the field. He only carried the ball 36 times all season and managed just one TD. That�s disappointing. The Losers tabbed another Bear offensive player, Cookie WR Marcus Robinson. Coming off a sensational 1999, the expectations were high for Robinson. Injuries and instability at the QB position threw Robinson down the charts. He did score 5 TD�s and had 738 receiving yards, but he was expected to be much higher than the 35th rated WR. The final non-winning disappointment was QB Brad Johnson, another Cookie. Johnson had a myriad of tools at the beginning of the season, but ended up being benched and ineffective. He threw for 2500 yards and 11 TD�s but had 15 interceptions and 5 fumbles. Napolean Danny wasn�t too happy.
DD: [wearing new pants] I�m back! And I am ready to announce the winner of the Pussier Trophy. We�re going to overtime because this one is another tie. For a guy who was supposed to lead the Tampa offense into the 20th century, the 44�s and Coroners thought that Keyshawn �the flashlight� Johnson was pretty damn disappointing. The Envy were able to pawn this loudmouth off to the Wookies in midseason and both teams changed directions at that point. Johnson did manage 8 TD�s and nearly 900 yards of receiving but he should have been much higher than the 21st rated WR.
Keyshawn Johnson: What the hell? I ain�t no disappointment. They didn�t give me the damn ball! I�m the next Michael Irvin, baby, but I ain�t got no Troy or Emmitt around me in Tampa. This sucks and it is all Wayne Chrebet�s fault.
DD: Sore loser. The other winner of the Pussier award is another Wookie, Terrell Davis. For the second straight year, Davis was picked in the first round and failed to produce because of injury. He just couldn�t seem to shake a mysterious ankle ailment and was only able to play in 5 games. Sneaky Pete Award winner Michael Anderson�s assent sealed Davis� fate. He�ll be on the Wookies next year again but he can only go up from here.
Terrell Davis: My ankle hurts. Other than that, I have no comment.
DM: From old disappointments, we go to young bucks who held their own against the old guard. It is time to announce the winner of the Eric Wunderkind Rookie of the Year Award. Last year�s winner was a unanimous choice � Edgerrin James. There wasn�t a unanimous winner-
DD: But there was no tie either � and sadly, that means no overtime. Did I tell you how Al Mich-
DM: Yes, the 44�s nominated Lavar Arrington who became known as John Doe after not signing with the NFL players association. Owner John Stoer was infuriated by the NFLPA and sandbox for wasting one of his draft picks and decided to send a message to the Commish.
DD: And, oh, what a message he sent!
DM: The Envy selected Loser Jamal Lewis who was able to stay healthy enough to rush for 1364 yards and 6 TD�s. In his 10 games, he averaged 12.9 points. The other nominee was Envy linebacker Brian Urlacher who had the favor of a heavy press campaign on his side. The Cookies and Losers struck an unfamiliar accord in both nominating Urlacher. Urlacher was not all hype, however, as he was the 9th rated linebacker and notched 99 tackles to go along with 9 sacks.
DD: He reminded me of a young Dick Butkis.
DM: Dick Butkis? There is a name that I could make jokes about for hours. This year�s Rookie of the Year is the Envy�s RB Michael Anderson. He came out of nowhere to surprise people and be the 10th rated fantasy player overall. He is on the podium for the second time this evening.
MA: When I was at the University of Utah as a architecture major, I never thought I would win any football awards. Nevertheless, I kept my chin up, feet on the ground and kept reaching for the stars. If possible, I would like to share this award with my fellow rookie Brian Urlacher.
DD: No, that is not possible.
DM: Surely, Urlacher will be a mainstay in our next category, The Don Sweeney Defensive Player of the Year. The newest monster of the midway did not get any votes this year. Hey, Dan, do you know why it is called the Don Sweeney award.
DD: Because defense is sweet, which sounds like Sweeney?
DM: No, Dan, you blockhead, it is because no one checks like Don Sweeney, which is properly pronounced Dawn Swaeney! There were as many nominees for this award as any other and we have another tie.
DD: Does that mean overtime?
DM: As we told you before, the Weasel Cookies had the worst defense in the league, so Owner Dan Weitz decided to give a blanket nomination to all of the other defensive players. In a way, Urlacher gets a vote this way. Another odd vote was submitted by the 44�s. They decided to split their vote among two non-winning Cubist defenders. Donnie Edwards was the 7th rated linebacker and averaged 8.4 points per game. He had an amazing 114 tackles. The other half of the vote went to the number one rated defensive player this year, the Cubists� Rodney Harrison. The Envy also gave Harrison their vote. Harrison punctuated his season with a 25 week 17. Overall, he scored 9.8 points per game, had 101 tackles, 6 sacks and 6 interceptions.
DD: The Brents nominated Darren Sharper.
DM: Now, the two winners. One is a familiar name in this category as he was last season�s winner: Ray Lewis. Lewis shook off be accused of double murder on Super Bowl eve to have a good season. He certainly wasn�t as dominant as in 1999, but his reputation was enough to impress the Coroners and Losers. He was the 5th rated linebacker with 108 tackles, 2 interceptions and 3 fumble recoveries. He also led the statistically most dominant defense in the NFL. Ray could not be with us as he as at the Super Bowl and we are too cheap to have a satellite link up.
DD: Did you say it was a tie?
DM: Yes, the other winner was the Mountain Devils, I almost called them Devilrays � where is my head? Derrick Brooks. He was the number one rated linebacker and some really incredible numbers this year. He had 123 tackles and 6 forced fumbles. He averaged 9.5 points per game and what is really great is that he is here with us.
Derrick Brooks: I know that many people picked our team to make the Super Bowl, but it certainly wasn�t my fault we didn�t get there. If you want to know whose fault it is, you can point your finger at the flashlight, Keyshawn Johnson.
KJ: That�s a bunch of bull-oney.
[Brooks and Johnson attack each other while the league owners surround them and chant, �Fight, fight, fight!� Eventually the metal detector guys break up the fight and haul the Buccanears to the security room.]
DM: We have two awards left, and I must say that I am exhausted.
DD: We have been here for hours, haven�t we? It reminds of Monday Night overtime football. I used to go on and on and on-
DM: Some things never change, do they, schmoopy? We now come to the top honor that any football player can claim � The La-la-la-lafontaine Most Valuable Player Award. There was no tie here. Last year Kurt Warner took home the honors.
DD: My main man, the offensive lineman/tight end Tony Gonzalez got a vote from the Bears. To demonstrate just how dominant Gonzalez was we can simply compare him to the #2 rated tight end, Shannon Sharpe. Gonzalez averaged 8.3 points per game and Sharpe averaged 4.9. He gets my vote.
DM: Fortunately for the rest of us, your vote doesn�t count. The Envy selected last year�s rookie of the year Edgerrin James for leading the turn around of the Mountain Devil franchise. He was the second rated RB and scored 14.9 points per game with 1709 yards and 18 overall TD�s. His scores often meant the difference between winning and losing.
DD: Now that�s valuable!
DM: The 44�s used the rule of not voting for their own player by tabbing their missing man, Marvin Harrison. Harrison did have another fine season for the Bears with 1413 receiving yards and 14 TD�s. He was the second rated wide receiver in the league behind his teammate, Randy Moss. Finally, the Cookies named another Bear as MVP � QB Daunte Culpepper. His impressive stats were noted when he won the Sneaky Pete trophy.
DD: And for the second year in a row-
DM: Ahem, for the second year in a row, the winner of the La-la-la-lafontaine is a member of the St. Louis Ram. Ha, you thought it was Warner again, eh? Not even close. Good Cookie Marshall Faulk garnered votes from the Brents, Losers, Coroners and Cubists to easily capture the award. He was the #1 rated player in fantasy football with 301 points for an average of 21.5 points per game. He had an incredible 26 touchdowns to go with over 2300 yards. He also had five games of 30 or more points. It was just a shame that he couldn�t lead the Cookies to more wins.
DD: That�s a shame!
Marshall Faulk: It is a funny thing about my friend and owner Dan Wietz. His team has such a family atmosphere since he involves his two small daughters that sometimes I don�t even mind losing.
Dan Wietz: You WHAT?!?
MF: Well, I try my best and you are so nice to me. I guess you can blame Brad Johnson and Doug Flutie for your problems.
DW: I WHAT?!?
MF: I am good at running and that is what I am going to do. Bye, bye, everybody � thanks for the award.
DM: That gave me tingles all over. Finally, we come to the part of the night that everyone has been waiting for. The prestigious Modano Mi Hermano Award for Best Owner/Coach. Unlike in other years, no one voted for a bottom feeding owner who kept a smile through the entire dreadful season.
DD: That was a Don Cherry specialty.
DM: This year, there were just three owners nominated and only two won.
DD: Another tie? This is my kind of awards show.
DM: Yes, the only owner who didn�t win yet was nominated was Bull City Bears� Owner Randy Chambers. Chambers was nominated by the Cookies and Cubists. In the summer of 2000, Chambers took a leave of absence from his job to study the tapes of 1999 Champion, the Minneapolis Monsoon of Josh Wilk. Wilk rode his receivers to a championship and Chambers decided to do the same thing. Randy Moss and Marvin Harrison produced their share of controversy but they also were in the endzone week after week. Add Daunte Culpepper and a never-ending list of middle linebackers and you have the recipe for success. The Bears tied for second place.
DD: I really think my friend Chamb should have won. He�s a decent, hard-working guy and no Communist.
DM: Like me! One of the owners sharing this prominent award should come as no surprise to anyone. The San Francisco Cubists� Owner Jason Moore assembled an incredible array of talent of draft day and was able to bully his way to enough of an early season lead to hold on for the championship. He was picked as owner of the year by the Envy, 44�s and Bears.
John Stoer: The man flat-out knows how to play this game.
DM: The Cubists opened the season with 8 straight wins and never looked back. He had five different quarterbacks score more than 15 points. He even had a 22-point game from his kicker, Jeff Wilkins. The Cubists 151 points in Week 7 will be a standard that will be hard to top. As will their average of nearly 100 points.
Dan Patrick: Nearly 100 points.
DD: Hey, get the hell out of here.
[Dierdorf chases Patrick off the stage]
Jason Moore: I worked hard on my draft list and combed the waivers for nice pick-ups. I was Johnny-on-the-Spot in many cases. Of course, this is my second Modano and the only thing I regret is that I have to share this award. What kind of crap is that?
DM: Well, your fellow owners also tabbed someone else with three votes. The Brents, Losers and Coroners all named P-Miss Envy Owner Perry Missner as their Modano Mi Hermano winner. Missner had an awful draft in which many of his players didn�t pan out like he wanted. He used the waiver wire to pick up such studs as Trent Green, Amani Toomer and Michael Anderson. More than any other owner he was able to make trades to benefit his team. The trade route brought in Eddie George, Torry Holt, Frank Wycheck and Brian Urlacher. While many left his team for dead after a 2-5 start that included 6 straight games under 70, Missner stretched his team to the limit and only finished one game out of first place. The Envy were the only team to beat every team in the league and finished the season on a 9-1 run. The fact that he could campaign through the media also didn't hurt his odds.
Perry Missner: Yes, I feel I have been deserving of this award every year, but this year I really earned. Phooey to those of you who said that I just let my team run itself in the second half of the season. That�s good management.
JM: I have to share my award with this joker?
DM: Along with the trophy, you both get a 100,000 rupiah gift certificate to the Arby�s in Surabaya Indonesia as well as the annual beating from Perry Missner.
PM: I have to beat myself?
JM: Wouldn�t be the first time.
PM: Hey!
DM: That closes this year�s awards banquet. We would like to thank the Library of Congress for donating their space as well as the metal detector guys.
DD: And for the Tune-In for bringing hamburgs and beer!
DM: Good night everyone!
[Commissioner Tugwell sings �Shape of My Heart�]
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