WEEK 8
TOP STORY: ALL GAMES ROUTS, INCLUDING CUBISTS OVER HATERS
Other Stories: Del Greco scandal rocks Pancakes – Al traded.
San Francisco Cubists 79 UNC Duke Haters 46 In the eagerly anticipated matchup between #1 and #2 teams, only the Cubists showed up. The Cubists invaded Blue Angel Stadium and used the Broncos running and kicking attack for 41 points. Ken Norton Jr. Gave a fine performance (10 pts.). Elam’s 14 points, including a 63-yard field goal, were a Cubist high. An obviously pleased Jason Moore gave credit for the win to himself and only himself, but was troubled by one thing. “I can’t understand why none of the owners are accepting my gracious trade offers. C’mon, Antowain Smith is worth much more than Brent Farve!” This reporter agrees. Meanwhile, the Duke Haters fell into a tie for first place for the first time since Week 2. The Haters received decent performances from Freeman (11) and Vinatieri (11) but the rest of the team left their game at home. The running backs totaled 5 points, UNC’s Bengals each gave a point and the defense was held in single digits (9 pts.) because of the terrible play of Reggie White. On the bright side, Tony McGee’s point from the tight end position broke a five week streak of TE zeroes for the Haters.
BluePerry Pancakes 68 Allentown Chipmunks 32 With Michael Irvin God knows where, all figured to be quiet and happy on the Pancake front until rumors started swirling about misdeeds in Al Del Greco’s past. These rumors became fact as the Pancakes’ crack research staff (not including crackhead Irvin) uncovered the horrifying truth about Del Greco. When these rumors started, Del Greco denied all knowledge of his NFL career from 1986-1989, but when of the researchers uncovered a Del Greco football card that verified he had indeed played for the Green Bay Packers during the years in question, owner Perry Missner exploded into rage and traded him on the first offer received. Fans and fellow players alike were disgusted by Del Greco. Management called off its Halloween Al Del Greco mask day for next week as well and replaced it with Michael Irvin vial of “flour” night. Meanwhile, at Aunt Jemima Stadium, the Pancakes destroyed the once promising Chipmunks. In a cagey move, Missner brought in Elway to combat Chipmunk receivers Rod Smith and McCafferty. Elway had 11, Tim Brown 8, Watters 9 and the Pancakes received their best defensive effort from Minter’s 8 and former-Chipmunk Ty Law’s 11. The Chipmunks were let down by Drew Bledsoe’s naught. “You win some, you lose some,” said Aaron Jacoby philosophically.
Syracuse 44’s 76 Key West Jerrytown Smokers 49 If there is one trust in Fantasy Football, it is whenever a Joey Galloway-led team plays a Brent Farve-led team, the Joey team always wins. That held true this week as well. The 44’s used big performances from Galloway (19) and Robert Smith (11). Steve Young also had a decent performance (18) and let owner John Stoer off the Mormon hook. Stoer had once vowed to convert to Young’s religion of choice if the QB scored over 20 points in every game. An obviously relieved Stoer was heard to say, “I could deal with the extra wives thing, but the ban on alcohol – forget it.” Smoker fans were delighted by their owner’s benching of Greg Hill, but were a bit disappointed by his replacement – Mack Strong who led the Smoker running backs with 0. Inbred moron Brent Farve did have 19 fluky points and Shawn Springs had 11, btu the Smokers were let down by their RB’s, WR’s and TE who combined for 6. In a late breaking story, owner John Stoer has become upset with Steve Young and benched him in lieu of … Ryan Leaf? Apparently, Stoer has been paid of by league officials who deem the Cubists to be a good representative as a champion.
County Coroners 63 Omaha Steaks 47 The boys from County C rode the sturdy back of team MVP Natrone Means (10) and the breakout week from Terrell Owens (19) to overcome yet another terrible showing from Trent Dilfer (-1). The Coroner running backs and wide receivers totaled two thirds of the Coroners’ points. The Steaks, who welcome back team leader Marvin Harrison next week, were disappointed by veterans Dan Marino (-3), Isaac Bruce (0) and Mark Edwards (an ever steady 0). Eric Moulds did have an outstanding game (19) and promising rookie, the apple of owner Josh Wilk’s eye, Donovin Darius had 6. Frustrated by his team’s loss, Wilk reportedly said, “It is bad enough to lose, but to have a crappy face mask call on Donovin in the end zone is too much. I quit. Who wants Barry Sanders?” He later took back these comments when he learned that his team is the only to have at least one point from the tight end position every week.
Bull City Bears 68 Ripon Good Cookies, Part II 29 The Bears stormed into Ripon on a mission to prove to everyone that they did not need the leadership of once promising defensive lineman Derrick Thomas, and they succeeded. Mark Brunell threw for a season high 23 points and the much maligned defense scored 15. The team has apparently made peace over their religious differences and has decided to worship the top ranking as their new diety. Jerry Rice also scored 9 points. The Cookies were failed by an ailing Warren Moon, Andre Hastings and Dave Moore (cut) who all gave the team doughnuts. Corey Dillon did have 9 points and Rodney Harrison had 8, but it wasn’t enough to overcome the team’s deficiencies. Dan Weitz proclaimed, “I blame this loss on that damn Einer.”
----------------------Big< Green Gob of Mucus Press----------------------------------