WEEK 5
TOP STORY: CHIPMUNKS DECIDE NOT TO FOLD, BEAT UNDEFEATED HATERS
Other Top Stories: Ugh and low water marks reached for points
Allentown Chipmunks 70 UNC Duke Haters 65 The brash owner of the Chipmunks had predicted his team would knock off the previously unbeaten Duke Haters and his talk became fact as he used a balanced line up and a bit of trickery to overcome a decent output from the Duke Haters. The Chipmunks primarily used their air attack, racking up 34 points from receivers Rod Smith, McCafferty and Muhammad. The trickery came into play when running back Edgar Bennett, acquired in a wise trade, threw a TD pass netting a very pleased Aaron Jacoby 6 extra points. The Duke Haters were led by Eric Kramer (20 points) and Emmitt Smith (12 points) and received nice points from their defense. After the loss, young Phil Stoer could be reach for comment as he had reportedly locked himself in the press box with cone after cone of cotton candy.
San Francisco Cubists 103 County Coroners 46 At George Braque Stadium, the Cubists put on an unprecedented assault as their defeated their former trading ally. The 103 points eclipses the record of 90 points scored on three separate occasions earlier in the season. Terrell Davis chipped in his usual 20 points and Randy Moss had a huge 21 point effort. Jake Plummer, Jamal Anderson and Curtis Martin all scored in double figures as well. The news was not so rosy for the Coroners as the three players involved in the early season blockbuster trade combined for only 6 points and Trent Dilfer did his best Kordell Stewart impression with an ugly -5. At least Johnny Morton and Gary Anderson gave the Coroners owner something not to cry about.
Keywest Jerry Town Smokers 33 Ripon Good Cookies, Part II 30 In the lowest scoring affair of the season, the Jerry Town Smokers invaded Ripon Cheap Hydrox Imitation Park and come out with a win, despite complete ineptitude coming from the quarterback position. While there could be nicer words used to describe the performance of the skilled players of the Good Cookies (QB, RB, WR, TE), their combined seven points can only be described as inept as well. Key West’s saving grace came from Indy Kicker Mike Vanderjagt who was the only player tipping the scales in double digits (10 points). He was subsequently cut. Outraged by his team’s low score (despite the win), Don Cherry has pledged to play Greg Hill in next week’s game, even though the man has a broken leg.
Bull City Bears 84 Syracuse 44’s 75 While the wind was raging outside the Sto-ier dome, the two teams inside were putting on an excellent show for the fans. The 159 points put on the board was the second highest total for two teams this season. Early on, it looked like this game was going to be a blow out for the Bears as they received huge points from Kerry Collins (18), Morton Andersen (15) and Robert Edwards (11). Later in the game, the 44’s made a valiant comeback effort with Steve Young throwing three late TD’s (23 points) and Charles Woodson adding 11. Robert Smith, given a 44 to replace his normal 26, made a final run at the Bears with 10 points in his Monday night effort, but this only proved to offset the 10 points from LeRoy Butler. Confused Bears fans were left wondering why owner Randy Chambers continues to stick with aging Derrick Thomas who has only scored 9 points in four games since coming on board. Bear Deion Sanders was heard to pronounce, “I thank Jesus for this win!” Owner Chambers was not pleased.
BluePerry Pancakes 54 Omaha Steaks 28 The Pancakes overcame horrible weather conditions and some internal problems to beat the Steaks who seemed to have some dissension in their ranks as well. Unhappy that the recent referendum to bring a domed stadium to Omaha failed, some of the Steak players were grumbling before, during and after the match about the poor field conditions and the idiotic babblings of the head groundskeeper, Scotsman Willie. Some of the players wondering why Owner Josh Wilk would rather spend his money on his gambling habits instead of buying them a new stadium. In a sorry performance, Ryan Longwell and Zach Thomas paced the Steaks with 6 points apiece. On the other side of the field, Michael Irvin had been brought in a late week trade to provide a firebrand for the Pancakes. Unfortunately, his addictions to cocaine and hoors seemed to be contagious. On Sunday, the Pancakes put up a woeful 15 points, with the running backs and wide receivers adding up to -2. Monday was a different story as Randall Cunningham, who had not been to Irvin’s all-night party, outscored the entire Steak team single-handedly. Pancake Owner, Perry Missner, is reportedly listening to any and all trade offers for team detriment Irvin.
----------------PoisonPerry News Services-----------------------------