Week 17

TOP STORY:  CUBISTS SCORE 88, NOTCH 14th WIN

Other stories:  Tony McGee scores 4, Haters win.

San Francisco Cubists 88  Omaha Steaks 53  Outraged that he couldn't
vote for himself or for any of his players for the season ending
awards, owner Jason Moore told his players to show no mercy in this
meaningless game against his old rival, the Steaks.  The Cubists
proved their dominance early and often.  The three headed monster
reclaimed its fire with 39 points spread out evenly between FTJ.  The
receivers also had 19 and Mark Fields had a strong defensive
performance with 10.  This was the 9th week out of 17 that the Cubists
had the high score and they have been involved in the highest scoring
game for ten straight weeks.  Moore's only lament was that he did not
hold on to Rob Johnson who an excellent game for the Bills.  "We could
have broken all kinds of records," said Moore as he calmly sank the
eight ball.  Speculation around the Steak camp is that their owner is
slightly mentally unbalanced.  Perhaps reflected by his most
disappointing player award or his decision to bench injured Donovan
Darius for non scoring Phillipi Sparks.  Star runner Barry Sanders
also added to Wilk's dementia by not scoring.  The team was led by old
Dan Marino (14).  Moulds and Sheppard offset the Cubists receivers
with 19 and the bruthas Brown each scored 7.  Wilk promised major
changes in his team for next year including Brominski.

UNC Duke Haters 82  Bull City Bears 55  While somewhat disappointed
that his team could not win the championship, Owner Phil Stoer had to
be satisfied with his accomplishments seeing as he is half the age of
any other owner in the league.  His team was buoyed by the sterling
play of tight end Tony McGee who had been criticized repeatedly in the
local rags.  McGee not only caught passes for 68 yards but also had a
tackle.  Not too shabby.  Vinny Testaverde had a enormous 26 point
afternoon and Emmitt Smith scored 15 points in a half.  Jett and
Freeman combined for 21 and Patton scored 7.  It seemed like owner
Randy Chambers' mind was already on the holiday as he was not able to
whip any of his players into a dominant frame of mind.  In fact, he
was more concerned whether he should spend next year at the mountains
or beach.  Whichever, man, it really doesn't matter.  The Bears had 4
players score 8 points - Green, Rice, Anderson and Butler, while the
usually point filled Patriots Coates and Edwards only scored 1 point
between them.

Allentown Chipmunks 62  Key West Jerrytown Smokers 47  All season long
we had heard from Owner Aaron Jacoby how he would not end up in last
place.  Of course, no one believed him but as it turned out he was
right as he defeated his close comrade's team in a near basement
battle.  Mike Alstott provided the exclamation point to the team's
second half resurgence with three TD's and 21 points.  Rod Smith
continued his fine play with 13 and Christie knocked in 9 points.
Even Steve Beuerlein had 7 points.  Jacoby was quick to mention the
poor play but excellent leadership of backup QB Kerry Collins who
scored -4 but led the halftime chorus of YMCA with special guest Nel
Carter.  To look for the reasons why the Smokers lost, one has to look
no further than their inbred hillbilly moron quarterback Brent (silent
redneck "n") Farve.  He dashed the hopes of his owner by only scoring
5 points while backup QB Chris Chandler scored 14.  Nothing new there.
 The Smokers did received good performances from Biekert (13), Duce
Staley (10) and Rocket Ismail (12) but were grounded by the collective
nothingness of Mathis, Abdul Jabbar and Glover.  The fine performances
of Heidiheidiho Chris Calloway (14) and Wendy's owner Dave Thomas (11)
also went for naught as they were stuck on the Smoker bench.  Owner
Don Cherry was just happy that his team won as many games as the
Redskins.

BluePerry Pancakes 51  Syracuse 44's 33  No game this week offered up
more pregame battles than this low scoring affair.  Owner John Stoer
had promised week after week to play downtrodden QB Ryan Leaf and this
was the week he left him in.  Leaf didn't play.  He also tried to fire
up his team by inserting Mr. Mistletoe himself Vonnie Holiday who also
didn't play.  Neither of these players seem to put any fear into the
Pancakes runners who tallied 21 points in an effort to show that they
weren't as overrated as everyone seemed to think they were.  Ricky
Watters has 14 including a TD pass and Jerome "Not a Bust" Bettis had
7 with no scores.  While the KKK receiving corps was not terribly
productive, Keyshawn did have 9.  Both Perry's (Darren and Ed) didn't
score and kept the Pancakes from having Shannon Sharpe's 15 and Ty
Law's 9.  Oh well.  Both of these bench performances were overshadowed
by released QB John Elway's 28 points.  Apparently he was displeased
by the fact that no one picked him up.  Owner Perry Missner had tried
a bit of gamesmanship by "pulling a Sto."  He left untalented Steve
Stenstrom in the lineup until the last minute then put in Steve
McNair.  Stenstrom, by the way, scored one point.  The 44's were led
by, no surprise, Benedict Del Greco with 10.  Adrian Murrell also had
7.  Joey only had one point and this was counteracted by Stephen
Alexander's -1.  While Cunningham and Young were both questionable on
the injury report, it was questionable that Stoer should play Leaf
over both of them as they combined for 40 points.  Stoer summed in the
season by saying, "Slow and steady wins the race."

County Coroners 72  Ripon Good Cookies 60  The Cookies' effort, under
the guidance of new owner Amber Weitz, had never been higher, but
weeks of DEAN and Einur had taken their toll.  The 60 points by the
Cookies was one of their highest totals, but they could stop the best
defense in the league or the best system QB.  The Cookies runners did
go wild with a season high 27 points from Bam Morris and Biakabatuka -
the latter's name simply being mentioned brought a smile to Amber's
face.  John Hall did score 7 but back up kickers Wade Richey and
Vanderjagt combined to score 25.  No one else on the Cookie team
scored about 6.  Even Michael Irvin only had two points, but he seemed
more concerned about starting the off season right with an all night
crack-cocaine party hosted by Byron Allen.  The Coroners had one of
their finest performances of the season as they combined the usual
strong kicking (10 from Gary Anderson) and defense (17 from Lewis and
Davis) with a surprisingly potent and diverse offense.  Trent Dilfer
had 13, Terrell Owens had 10 and Cameron Cleeland had 11.  The
league's number one defense never scored below 9 points this season
and had some mentioning Owner Chad Nuss's name in the same breath with
the Modano Mi Hermano award.

Speaking of those awards, they will be presented tomorrow morning so
that the votes can be checked over by our representatives at Price
Waterhouse.

--------------Bye, Bye Press----------------------