Week 16

TOP STORY:  HATERS BREAK CUBISTS STREAK, WIDE RECEIVERS SET RECORDS

Other Stories:  Chipmunks late season winning ways continue with
Monday comeback victory

UNC Duke Haters 99  San Francisco Cubists 70  In what would have been
one of the most hyped match ups in recent history, the Haters took
care of business even though they now have no shot of winning the
championship.  In a game featuring five of the top six rated running
backs, the Haters wide receiving corp took advantage of the porous
Cubist secondary and lit up the lamp to the tune of 51 points.
Starters Freeman (27) and Scott (13) combined to score 40 which tied
the Cubists' week 13 record.  James Jett added 11 points to break the
Steaks week 14 record of 46 points.  Old green balls, Vinny Testaverde
got a sore arm flinging the ball to all of his receivers but did score
15 points himself.  The Hater defense also chipped in with 17 points
from Cota (10) and Patton (7).  Once again Tony Mcgee failed to score
and James Jett outscored the entire Hater bench.  While owner Jason
Moore was nonplussed about his team's loss, the three headed monster
had him incensed.  Only Jamal Anderson had a good day with 19 while
Taylor and Davis only managed 7 combined.  The Viking receivers did
have a couple of touchdowns (16 points) but no one else on the team
scored very well.  Moore said, "You reporters can print this:  My team
would have beaten any other team beside the Smokers and no one - and I
mean no one - will ever rival my team's 12 game winning streak.  I am
the champion."  Yes, you are.

Allentown Chipmunks 54  BluePerry Pancakes 48  Seldom had a team going
into a Monday affair had such a cocky air as the visiting Pancakes
did.  After Sunday's action, the Pancakes were up 50-40 led by the
league's second best ground attack.  A resurgent Jerome Bettis (11)
and crazy legged Ricky Watters (13) had run up and down the field
through the Chipmunk D.  The last two players for the Chipmunks were
Bronco receivers McCafferty and Smith and owner Perry Missner thought
he had the perfect antidote for them:  QB John Elway, who was set
free.  Missner was quoted as saying before the Monday night affair:
"How can the receivers score if Mr. Elway doesn't get them the ball?"
How?  Did you ever hear of a fumble recovery?  Rod Smith somehow got
an Elway fumble recovery into the endzone and ended up with 10 points.
 McCafferty had 4.  Those 14 points were enough to make up the ten
point deficit, but Elway, a former Chipmunk himself, really wanted his
old team to win so he chipped in with a -4.  What made Elway's dismal
performance even more harmful was that number one draft choice Steve
"Air" McNair was aflame and scored a season high 25.  Elway's release
is imminent.  This kind of terrible decision making was the opposite
of what owner Aaron Jacoby did.  He had toyed with starting Rich
Gannon for the injured Drew Bledseo but finally decided on Steve
Beuerlein who scored 15.  He connected with Muhammed for a touchdown -
a monopoly?  And Dewayne Washington kept up his excellent play with 8
points.  "Who's the drunk now?" screamed Jacoby across the gridiron.

Key West Jerrytown Smokers 80  Syracuse 44's 59  In the NFL, there is
a penalty for taunting.  In the Ex-Sega Hockey League, the only
penalty is that you are bound to lose by taunting your opponent.  The
Syracuse 44's found this lesson out first hand as they resurrected one
of the Smokers biggest embarrassments and riled up the Smoker defense.
 The embarrassment's name is Mac Strong.  He scored a few early season
touch downs and then stayed in the Smoker line up for numerous weeks,
racking up goose egg after goose egg.  The running back weak 44's put
Strong in the line up and saw first hand how a player scores nothing.
Owner John Stoer also decided to unearth little Doug Flutie who scored
only 9 points, while league number one and two QB's Young and
Cunningham were out scoring 13 and 23 points respectively.  "What a
flake," commented Stoer on Flutie.  As usual, Stoer is vowing to play
rookie failure Ryan Leaf ("and he means it this time").  Yawn.  The
44's were led by Murrell (7), Galloway (8), Charles "in Charge"
Woodson (10) and surprising Stephen Alexander (10).  Al Del Greco only
managed two points.  The Smoker defense led the charge against Strong
and his mates by combining to score 26 points - 13 each from Springs
and Biekert.  And somehow Brent Farve scored 25 but officials were
calling Muldar and Scully to figure out how this happened.  Irv "Big
I" Smith and Mathis also scored touchdowns in one of the Smokers
highest totals.  To get everyone in the Christmas spirit, except his
week 17 opponent, Stoer brought in Vonnie Holiday.  "Merry Christmas
everyone."

Bull City Bears 61  Ripon Good Cookies 44  With the stench of DEAN but
a nearly faded memory, Amber Weitz was set to lead the Good Cookies
into a new era of winning.  Unfortunately, the Cookies are near
talentless and are having real troubles controlling malcontent Michael
Irvin.  They scored a league low 44 points are were beaten by a
resolute Bears squad.  The Cookies were led by young pup Peyton
Manning (10), Chrebet (7) and Rod Woodson (8).  Irvin, this league's
answer to Latrell Spreewell, only scored two points and claimed he was
injured after the game.  "My (explitive) hurts," said Irvin pointing
down there.  This embarrassed everyone except Amber who sent Irvin to
her room to play tea with her.  Freddie Jones continued the inept
Cookie tight end play with the 4th consectutive wekk of zero from that
position.  The Bears, who suffered through numerous religious
controversies earlier in the season, were seemingly all on the same
page.  Mark Brunell and Deion Sanders were at home with injuries "too
serious for Jesus to heal."  Only Marshall Faulk seemed to not know
"the way."  No come with Rice scored 9, but the team was led by rookie
Robert Edwards who not only lit the 8 Hannukah candles but added 11
more.  The previously poor defense also scored 20 points as Leroy
Butler and John Mobley spun the opposing QB like a dreidel.  Owner
Randy Chambers said, "The boys out there each preformed a mitzvah and
second place could still be ours."

County Coroners 61  Omaha Steaks 52  A distracted Steaks team
submitted to the Coroners brand of kicking and defensive football and
were unable to come up with their 8th win of the season.  Owner Josh
Wilk's mind seem to be elsewhere on this blustery Omaha Sunday.  In a
pregame press conference, Wilk wondered aloud "if this game should be
delayed due to the terrible condition of Coach Dan Reeves.  How am I
expected to lead my team into battle when my dear idol is laid up in
the hospital?  It just isn't fair!"  Also not fair was the fact that
team leader Donovin Darius was not playing and the Steaks gave up
their crown of #1 defense to the Coroners.  Chad Brown only scored 4
points, but his "brutha" Gary did score 11.  In Coroner style, the
Steaks were led by Longwell's 12.  Shawn Jefferson, an excellent pick
up for girl Glenn, also had 9.  Tight end Drayton had an above average
Steak tight end output with three, but the travesty came as Drayton's
QB, the benched Dan Marino put up 29 while starting Aikman scored a
big fat nothing.  For the second straight week, the Coroners kicker
and defense scored more than half their points on their way to
victory.  Gary Anderson had another huge game with 15 and the defense
score another 16.  The Coroner effort was helped along by Owens' 10
and Cleeland's 9.  "I'm as happy as a pig in a poke," said Owner Chad
Nuss.

Once again, you only have one week to vote for the Ex-Sega Hockey
League awards.  The categories are Modano Mi Hermano (best owner/GM),
MVP, Rookie of the Year, Best Defensive player of the year, Most
Surprising and Most Disappointing Player.  You can't vote for yourself
or anyone on your team.  Get those votes in!

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