WEEK 14
TOP STORY: FARVE PLAYS TERRIBLY, SMOKERS STILL MANAGE TO KNOCK OFF HATERS
Other Stories: Clouds of controversy surround Irvin cutting.
Key West Jerrytown Smokers 78 UNC Duke Haters 71 Early week prognosticators had this match up as a blow out for the 2nd place Haters, but the Smokers rebounded from a humiliating loss the previous week against the Good Cookies to take the Haters to the brink of elimination. The Smoker used an incredible balanced attack to create an attach that was difficult to defend. Perfect 10’s were scored by Mmm-bop Hanson, Biekert and Mathis while Brian Mitchell score a team high 12 points. Rocket Ismail also chipped in 9. The weak point of the team was QB Brent Farve who was a complete klutz. He rack up 6 fumbles in trying to give awat the two point lead that the Smokers had amassed going into Monday. Creating even more controversy were the Smoker back up QB’s Changedl and O’Donnell who both scored in double digits. Injuries and poor play brought the Haters their first losing streak. The usually reliable Emmitt Smith didn’t have a point and Antonio Feeman was at home drinking his dinner through a straw (what a shame). The Haters were led by Vinny Testaverde’s big 24 points while Garrison had 12, Darnay 10 and Vinatieri 12. The rest of the team scored 11. Tony McGee did not help at all as he was unable to score. “It will be a cold day in hell before I give up,” said a determined Phil Stoer. We’re with you, Phil.
San Francisco Cubists 87 BluePerry Pancakes 78 The week preceding this match up was about the most cordial between two owners that this young fantasy league has witnessed. Both owners seemed unwilling to trash talk the other and one even allowed the other to help set his line up. They even had a pre-game press conference together that was much like a political meeting in which the combatants kiss each other’s butts before trying to knock the other’s head off. “Jason Moore is a good guy and he deserves the excellent team he has,” said Perry Missner which brought a tear to each member of the pressroom’s eye. “A few breaks this way or that way and I can see the Pancakes taking this championship,” said Moore. All of the good tidings seemed to disappear once the coin was tossed and Michael Irvin started cavorting across the grid iron. Irvin managed to anger both owners with his crotch-grabbing antics. Upon fumbling, he thrust his pelvis toward his own bench. Upon making a catch, he did a little dance and yelled, “I am the awesomest!” His actions overshadowed a competitive match. The Cubists took Fred Taylor out of the line up due to his questionable status and replaced him with Curtis Martin. The new three headed monster had 43 points. The team led by Randy Moss with 24. After the game, Moss said, “Someday I hope to make the positive contributions to football that Michael Irvin has.” The Pancakes put a scare into the top rated team with a balanced attack that featured 5 team members in double figures. After the game, Missner announced, “Mr. Irvin’s actions are not only condemned by the ownership, but by the other players as well. His contract has been terminated and woe to the team who picks him up.”
Allentown Chipmunks 68 Bull City Bears 49 Tired of being the league’s weak sister, the Chipmunks have decided to take matters into their own hands and heave beaten two of the top teams in the past weeks. The Chipmunks decided to downplay their larger than life leader Drew Bledsoe and concentrate on the running and kicking games. Leroy Hoard had a spectacular 18 points and Christie booted in another 16. The receiving corps was also in effect as the Bronco boys combined for 19 points. The defense was not very good as it only scored 3 points. The most surprising thing about the Chipmunks is how rummy QB Kerry Collins has decided to become the offensive coordinator and has called plays like only a drunk could. Kudos to you, Kerry. Not many people can ascertain what exactly has happened to the Bears. After scoring the most points in Week 13, the Bears wilted to a measly 49 in Week 14. Injuries were a problem as QB Brunell and headcase WR Westbrook were knocked out. Usually consistent Rice and Barrow also had off games. To add insult to injury, the Bears received strong bench performances from Brown (18), Moore (11) and Hollis (14). “Lester Hayes, Lester Hayes, Lester Hayes,” chanted owner Randy Chambers. “Hey, that seemed to help last time I was in a rut, baby,”
Omaha Steaks 73 Ripon Good Cookies Part II 46 The Steaks an unprecedented aerial attack to knock off the dying Cookies and get back to the .500 mark. The WR combo of Moulds (22), Shepherd (9) and Glenn (15) set a new record (c’mon, do the math…) of 46 points for a 3 wide receiver set breaking the previous mark of 40 set by the Duke Haters all the way back in Week 1. Owner Josh Wilk was heard to say that he was happier about his receivers’ play than “when I heard that Bailey was finally going to get it on with Jennifer Love Hewitt.” The three points by Diamond Donovin Darius, however, “brought me down like when I heard Charlie had cancer.” Bummer, dude. In reaching this blow out victory, the Steaks used Longwell’s 10 and ever present Chad Brown’s 11. The Good Cookies seem to be sinking into an ocean of dissension quickly. While last week, DEAN and the Einure were getting along like pigs in a polk, they began bickering this week. DEAN said, “I do everything in practice and the Einure only wants to play Jets. He key-razy.” Einure retorted, “DEAN stinks.” It’s all true. Peyton Manning did throw for 11 points and Dillon and Hall each had 8. The wide receiver combo only had 5 and the defense 8. It had been heard that the Cookies had hoped to run the table and get back to .500, but at this point, they will be lucky to score 50 points again.
Syracuse 44’s 85 County Coroners 56 The 44’s thrilled the hometown crowd by amassing points upon points in leading to a blow out win over the drooping Coroners. With 5 players in double figures, Owner John Stoer had no idea who to give the game ball to. “I know who I am not giving it to,” said Stoer, “that groin-strainin’, no playin’ piece of crap Hugh Douglas (Hugh Douglas?)” In keeping with the system Douglas was cut and Junior Seau was brought in. We can only hope that strained groins aren’t contagious. Joey led the attack with 19, followed by Murrell’s 15, Young’s 13 and Al Del Greco’s 14. In a move of incredible accuracy, J.J. Stokes was brought out of the doghouse and given plenty of balls to catch because “he was due,” according to Stoer. Even though the game was sealed going into Monday night (as the 44’s were up by 48 points), Trent Dilfer put in another surprising performance with 19 points – his fourth straight week of over 15 points. Gary Anderson had 12. The Coroner only received 2 points from Griffith, Cleeland, Morton and Kaufman combined. Owner Chad Nuss offered no comment on his team’s terrible play, but Stoer was unusually loquacious in his post game press conference. He stunned 44 fans far and wide by not naming QB Ryan Leaf as the starter for next week (it seems he does this every week only to reneg on the increasingly bitter Leaf just before the deadline) and insert Randall Cunningham. One fan said, “Leaf has paid his dues and deserves to be in there. The guy should be Rookie of the Year.”
Speaking of Rookie of the Year, it is time to vote for the season’s awards. The awards include MVP, Rookie of the Year, top defensive player and the ever coveted Modano Mi Hermano award for best owner of the year. The rules are simple. Send your votes into [email protected] by December 27. And you can not vote for yourself or anyone one your team.
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