Week 13

TOP STORY:  HATERS DRIVE FOR CHAMPIONSHIP BATTERED, NEARLY DESTROYED
BY CHIPMUNKS

Other stories:  Scores up, way up, for everyone.

Allentown Chipmunks 86  UNC Duke Haters 83  Earlier in the season, a
Chipmunks win over the fearsome Haters seemed like an impossibility.
Now that the Chipmunks have swept the Haters, they seemed the perfect
choice for the roll of spoiler.  Chipmunk fans were gratefully pleased
that owner Aaron Jacoby got back on the wagon and ended the Kerry
Collins experiment.  With Drew Bledsoe firing passes down field (20)
and Rod Smith and Easy Ed McCafferty vacuuming all nearby balls (27
combined), the Chipmunks rolled up a season high 86 points.  Collins,
meanwhile, had a harmless -5 from the bench which included 5
turnovers.  A gleeful, if sober Jacoby said, "I probably should have
played Leroy Hoard (15) but this is a cause for celebration anyway.
Guys, ginger ale is on me!"  The Duke Haters season has gone sour
quickly.  There were some strong performances including Vinny's 17,
Emmitt's 19 and a late charge from Garrison (14).  The receiving core,
however, was not up to the task as Jett and Scott combined for a
single point.  To make matters worse, team leader Antonio Freeman
fractured his jaw and is too big of a wuss to continue playing.  Poor,
poor Antonio.  The Haters bench has been called weak by everyone from
Sports Illustrated's Peter King to Jason Moore himself.

San Francisco Cubists 93  County Coroners 83  Speaking of the boy who
would be king, the Cubists went down to the County and needed some
controversial calls to escape with a win.  Using an unheard of aerial
assault, the Cubists jumped out with 55 points during the Thanksgiving
games.  Randy Moss and Cris Carter led the attack with a combined 40
points.  In order to keep the Coroners out of the big plays on Sunday,
the Cubists went into a prevent defense.  Commenting on this strategy
Bill Maas said, "The only thing the prevent defense does is prevent a
team from winning."  Surprisingly, he was almost right.  The Coroners
kept two heads of the three headed monster (Davis and Taylor who
combined for 3 points) in check while allowing Jamal Anderson to net
17 and former Coronoer Kordell Stewart to notch 11.  Meanwhile, the
Coroners used the strong arm of Trent Dilfer (19), the quick feet of
Nappy Kaufman (13), the dashing speed of Terrell Owens (13) and the
angry demeanor of Ray Lewis (10).  Lewis had been ticketed to the
Cubists by rumors earlier in the week, but was none too pleased.  "I
hate art," screamed Lewis when asked about the rumors, "especially
early 20th century pseudo-representational art."  The controversy came
as it seemed owner Chad Nuss ordered his players to fall down at the
end of the game instead of scoring touchdowns in order to preserve his
buddy's winning streak.  Nuss denied all point shaving charges but a
full investigation by commissioner Todd Tugwell will ensue.

Bull City Bears 94  Syracuse 44's 71  After hearing it up and down
from their coach about not having stand out performances, the Bear
players went out and knocked the snot out of their old rivals and
showed off the top score of the week.  The Jerry Rice one point
performance gave them the advantage over the Cubists, breaking a
streak of 5 straight weeks in which the 'frisco team had boasted the
highest score.  Mark Brunell busted out with 28 and Marshall Faulk ran
amok on the porous 44 D for 24.  Jimmy Smith, who died tragically
earlier in the week of heart complications, was resurrected to put 11
on the board.  Ben Coates also had 9.  The league's sorriest defense
only scored 5 points but that was inconsequential.  The 44's, for
their part, did not play badly but relied too heavily on the already
overburdened Steve Young who needed to score 43 points on Monday night
without throwing to Jerry Rice.  Young did score 20 and was helped
along by Murrell (8), Rob Moore (9) and Joey (9).  Al Del Greco
cemented his place in his owner's favor by nailing 12 points.
Sticking to his defensive line turnstile, owner John Stoer brought in
Mark Fields who only scored 5.  He will be replaced by Hugh Douglas
this week.  Hugh Douglas?  The biggest disappointment came from Eugene
Robinson who only scored one point.  He claimed that "his third leg
kept on getting in the way."

BluePerry Pancakes 68  Omaha Steaks 65  Su-weep!  The Pancakes used a
new, racially cleansing offense to fire through the Steak lines and
get a strong point across.  The KKK line up (hence the hoods from last
week) crossed out the visiting Omaha team by putting 25 points on the
board.  Keyshawn had 10, Keenan had 15 and young Kevin didn't score
but blocked very well.  Other Pancakes who played well were Shannon
Sharpe (second straight week with a TD), McNair (8) and the defense
with 15.  The news was not all good, though because beloved kicker Joe
Nedney was struck down with an ACL injury.  "He's cut," said owner
Perry Missner cruelly.  Michael Irvin was not at the game and we can
only imagine what demons he was trying to purge.  The Steaks needed a
big performance from Gary Brown to avoid being swept by the Pancakes
and he did his best against the stingy 49er defense.  He scored 8
points, but needed another touchdown for the win.  Too bad.  The
Steaks received excellent play from Troy Aikman (15), Moulds (14) and
league #1 defensive lineman Chad Brown (14).  Owner Josh Wilk sent a
letter to the league's governing board asking if he could play the
rest of the season without a tight end.  In the past 5 weeks Eric
Green has scored a cumulative -4 points.  "Where's Mark Bavaro when
you need him?" whined Wilk.

Ripon Good Cookies Part 2 74  Key West Jerrytown Smokers 50  Just to
show how inept the Einhower and DEAN are, they actually tried to lose
this game.  Before giving up ownership Dan Weitz brought in Bam Morris
and set Jets Wayne Chrebet and John Hall in the line up.  Meanwhile,
DEAN decided to keep Warren Moon in the line up because he wanted his
favorite inbred Brent Farve to have a big advantage.  Farve somehow
managed to score 14 points for the Smokers but no one could say how.
Jason Hanson also scored 14, but was eclipsed by Hall's 17.  Chrebet
also scored 17 and Bam Morris showed his alliegence to Weitz by
putting the ball in the endzone (10).  Moon didn't play and scored
zero, which offset the starting running backs for the Smokers scored.
While they should have been disappointed by not losing to Farve, DEAN
and Einhower could be seen chest bumping as they got caught up in the
victory fervor.  No one can tell what will happen with the ownership
of this team in the weeks to come.  The players favor a return of the
Weasel and a possible Ripon Good Cookies Part 3.  Meanwhile, a
discouraged Don Cherry said that there were going to be big changes
before next week's game.  He delivered by signing up Duce Staley - ooh
aah.

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