Week 12

TOP STORY:  CUBISTS SCORE 110 POINTS, BREAK RECORD, DEFEAT BEARS

Other stories:  All teams entering with better records, emerge victors
in Week 12 match ups.

San Francisco Cubists 110  Bull City Bears 67  A collective sigh
crossed the league as the seemingly unbeatable Cubists crossed another
hurdle and were lifted by the one position thought to be a weakness on
their team.  QB Jake Plummer scored 5 touchdowns and racked up 33
points showing his owner why he should be playing instead of benched
and disgruntled Kordell Stewart.  It was the second highest total for
a playing QB this season.  The three headed monster had a bit of an
off week only putting up 37 points, led by Terrell Davis' 15.  The
receiving core picked up the slack as the Viking receivers combined
for 20 points and tight end Wesley Walls had a good 14.  Owner Jason
Moore triumphantly crowed, "My bench players could beat any other team
in this league.  Look, Curtis and Antowain outscored even the Chipmunk
runners."  He added, "I rule."  The Bears were led by the usual
consistency from all of the positions getting 9 points from three
players and 10 from kicker Morten Andersen.  There were no stand out
performances though and the entire team was overshadowed by two
players on the bench.  Trent Green and Michael Westbrook combined for
62 points which would have won this decisive match up for the Bears.
Bear fans could tell how much this game meant to owner Randy Chambers
as he ranted and raved along the sideline, spilling expletives at his
players, the Cubist players and the owner across the way.  Later, a
calmed if somewhat disheveled Chambers said, "I would have given my
left [expletive] for a win today, but it wasn't meant to be."  In a
move that can only be seen as desperation, the Bears picked up TE
Tyrone Davis.  This can only be a bad omen.

UNC Duke Haters 80  County Coroners 65  Now that this has suddenly
become a two team race, it seems that there are a number of owners
pulling for the Haters to pull off an improbable championship in this
league.  A throng of owners convened in Phil Stoer's luxury box to
root on Adam Vinatieri.  Going into Monday night's game, the Haters
needed at least two points from their kicker to come out of week 12
with a victory.  Vinatieri helped make a statement as he punched in 16
points.  The Haters received strong performances on Sunday from QB
Testaverde 16 and starting running backs Emmitt Smith (9) and Garrison
Hearst (15).  Chad Cota also had 11.  The usually sure handed
receivers only combined to score 2 points from Antonio Freeman, which
allowed Coroner WR Terrell Owens to usurp the #1 slot among wide
receivers with his 14 points.  The Coroners also were helped by Trent
Dilfer's 14 points and Ray Lewis's 10.  A suddenly accessible Chad
Nuss said that he may cut Lewis in an effort to help his old crony
Moore with his defensive struggles.  "Anything I can do to help Jason
win will be done," said Nuss who also added helpfully, "He rules."

Syracuse 44's 69  Allentown Chipmunks 68  In the closest match of the
week, the 44's went to an old game plan to pull out the victory:  Let
Steve Young do the work and get out of his way.  Young showed great
intestinal fortitude by racking up 24 points and rallying the troops
over the league's last place team.  RB Murrell had a surprising 12,
Joey Galloway had 9 and Jesse Armstead had 13.  Earlier in the season,
owner John Stoer had vowed to have a rotating kicker slot until the
treacherous Al Del Greco started nailing field goals from every
conceivable angle and distance.  Lately, Stoer has said that he would
replace traded Michael Barrow with a rotating defensive line slot.
We'll see if Armstead's performance changes his mind.  Meanwhile, in
Allentown, upset fans called radio stations after the game to complain
about the decision to once again start Kerry Collins (8) over Drew
Bledsoe (16) and Steve Beuerlein (14).  One fan said, "That drunk
idiot (referring to Collins not team owner Aaron Jacoby) couldn't lead
a starving goat to garbage."  No one was sure what he meant.  What
everyone was sure of was the sparkling play of DB DeWayne Washington
who scored 28 points and solidified his position as the most dominant
defensive player in the game.  The Chipmunks were let down by the play
of Amp Lee, Hoard and Muhammed who all scored a single point and Jay
Riemsersma who was not able to score.  Told that he would have to face
the Duke Haters next week, a teetering Jacoby said, "As long as my man
Kerry Collins is in there, I am sure we will win.  I love him, man!"

BluePerry Pancakes 49  Ripon Good Cookies Part 2 39  Losers of five in
a row coming into this game, owner Dan Weitz had told his players
before the game that this was their Super Bowl.  Never before had
Weitz had a chance to sweep Perry Missner led teams in a season. This
was his chance.  In a further effort to get inside information, the
Cookies brought in former Pancake QB Bubby Brister and former failed
coach DEAN whose rankness scared the Cookie players.  The Cookies were
led by their rookies Manning and Hicks who each scored 7 to complement
TE McWilliams' 7.  These three players' decent outings were offset by
the two points collectively from Chrebet, Dillon and Reed.  Newly
hired coach DEAN said, "I don't understand - we scored 100 points in
practice."  There are reports that Weitz is relinquishing his team
into the hands of DEAN who will hold practices every day.  The
Pancakes were led by Keyshawn Johnson (11) who was the only player to
score in double figures in the game.  Shannon Sharpe scored his first
TD in 6 weeks and even embattled Michael Irvin scored 4.  Irvin has
already left the team for his Thanksgiving feast of ho's and heroin.
"It's time to try something new," said Irvin.  The Pancake players
were all outshined by bench Priest Holmes whose 17 points didn't count
so that Duce Staley could play.  What a mistake.  Asked what the Omaha
Steaks could expect next week, Missner said cryptically, "bring out
the hoods, boys."

Omaha Steaks 64  Key West Jerrytown Smokers 51  The suddenly resurgent
Steaks have battled their way back to .500 due to this impressive win
at home.  They are led by their number 1 rated defense which is no
doubt due to prodigy Donovin Darius.  Chad Brown might also have
something to do with it since he is the number one rated defensive
lineman and had 12 points to go along with Darius' 8.  The defense is
averaging over 20 points a game over the last four games for the
Steaks.  The offense also contributed to the win with QB Aikman
scoring 13, Gary Brown 10 and Marvelous Marvin Harrison having 11.
The failure of TE Eric Green (-2) had owner Josh Wilk uttering mainly
nonsense with only semi-recognizable word being, "Brominski."  The
Smokers were once again let down by Brent Farve who only had 14
points.  There are rumors swirling in the Key West area that Farve may
retire.  It is believed that these rumors were started by Sports
Illustrated's Peter King.  The Smokers got some help in their efforts
from Terence Mathis (9) and Abdul-Jabber (6) but were not aided by
Andrew Glover (1), Pancake favorite Charlie Garner (1) and Lamar Smith
(2).  Owner Don Cherry was able to keep a stiff upper lip and stated,
"I still know that three of a kind beats two pair."  Yes, very good,
Don.

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