To all of those people who have yet to meet or even here of Granny Mavis, let me give you a quick introduction. She lives on Gravis Road with her husband, H. Her favourite place is in the middle of her local squash club, where she is the centre of attention. She is (unofficially) the world's oldest living woman and her husband is the world's oldest living man. But no-one can prove they are, because when they were born their mothers 'forgot' to register them, so that they could be used as slave labour. And what a sad upbringing Granny Mavis and H had. They were cousins, and some people would say that they were both treated badly because there was a mental problem in their family. But recent tests have shown that this is not the case.
At the time when H and Granny Mavis were born (11:22pm and 11:11pm respectively) the Earth was enveloped in a strange mist. When it finally moved on, all members of the Gravis clan were slightly altered. Scientists researching this event have named the mist the 'Gravis Mist.' A very fitting name.
So, up until the time when the 'Gravis Virus' arrived, Granny Mavis and H worked in the weiner mines, providing free labour for the family business, Weiners inc.
One of the effects of the Gravis Virus was the family business going broke. This was largely due to the fact that most of the Gravises fell sick and couldn't work, and the rest suddenly became fascinated with their big toes and moved to Outer Mongolia. When Granny Mavis (Then known simply as Mavis Gravis) and H recovered from the virus they had nowhere to work. After months of wandering around aimlessly, they discovered a small notice lying in the street. It said:
'Squash Lessons every Saturday, free if accompanied by a poodle snake or a weiner.'
Wow. What a stroke of luck. Weiners were what Granny Mavis and H specialised in.
H suddenly had a brainwave. They should have a go at squash! Yes! Cor blimey I think he's got it! So the went along to a lesson one day (equipped with a weiner, of course) and had lots of fun. But after about forty-eight lessons, H decided decided that squash wasn't his true calling and ran off to join his relatives in Outer Mongolia. Meanwhile, Granny Mavis had firmly established herself in the community as a bit of a busy-body. She had purchased her own home and every Tuesday, invited the neighbourhood for tea & scones. But something was missing. She didn't have a pet. So she went out and bought a poodle snake. But she still felt empty. Then suddenly she had a brainwave. She would travel to Outer Mongolia and bring back her cousin H.
The journey was rather uneventful on the way there, as Granny Mavis chose to travel 'Weiner Pacific,' a very safe travel company. Pfff. What happened to the word 'excitement?'
So anyway, she arrived in Outer Mongolia and started looking for H. and, of course, she didn't see him anywhere. After a day's worth of futile search efforts (invlolving asking after him at the local squash club and showing a picture of his socks to the local police) she headed for the nearest bar.
"I'll have a small Prune 'n' Brandy," she said, "actually, make it a triple size." She looked around the bar for a seat. There was one free next to the solitare machine. She headed over to it and sat down. Suddenly there was a huge crash and the door flew open.
"Give me money!"
Granny Mavis looked around and saw.... H. She leapt up and belted him with her handbag.
"You naughty boy, H!" she yelled at him.
After the incident at the bar, the owner took down H's phone number and address. Granny Mavis took H by the hand and led him back to her hotel room.
When they arrived she pointed to a chair. H sat down. Granny Mavis then proceeded to blow out his eardrums. After approximately three hours of ear-splitting shrieks and cold, cold glares, Granny Mavis was finally satisfied that H had learnt his lesson. "And what do you have to say for yourself?" she asked.
It was now H's turn to have his say. His (lengthy) tale basically told the story of how he came to Outer Mongolia for a quiet life, but one day a humungous poodle snake beat him up and told him to bring it as much money as he could. H, being rather a weakling, obeyed and became the poodle snake's slave.
After hearing this sad, sad tale, Granny Mavis blew her nose and un-hitched her kilt. She told H that all was for given. She also asked him if he would like to come back to her place for tea and cakes.
"No," he said, "but I wouldn't mind having a few Playboy magazines to get me through the next few months I'll probably spend in jail."
"Tell you what," Granny Mavis said thoughtfully, "how about you come back with me to Prorkersville?"
"You just asked me that," said H. "But I wouldn't avoid minding jail." So he came back with Granny Mavis to her house. But on the trip back they caught a strange, tropical disease that made them lose their memories and temporarily go insane.
After two weeks of stumbling around on the ship wearing nothing but lifejackets, Granny Mavis and H finally recovered and were allowed back with the other passengers. Granny Mavis quickly made friends with most of the other passengers. They were still missing large parts of their memories and one day they met in the dining room. They shook hands and greeted each other cordially.
After making a few comments about the weather, they headed for the squash courts.
"It's funny," Granny Mavis said, "how all I remember is my name, my friends and how to play squash."
"Yeah," H replied. "I feel like this boat is the only place I have been in my life."
"Wow!" said Granny Mavis. "We share so much in common!" She fluttered her eyelashes at him and made duck noises in the back of her throat. "I know!" she exclaimed, "let's get married."
H stuck a finger up his nose and inspected the pickings. He then clasped Granny Mavis' nose in his hands and accepted.
After their honeymoon in the private squash courts (which consisted of drinking a glass of prune juice and giving the pre-school group squash lessons) Granny Mavis and H returned to her house. But their compatibility was very low. Within a week H had dug a hole for himself in the backyard, and had ordered a life subscription to 'Playboy' magazine.
One day Granny Mavis was out buying some sausages when she heard a voice behind her. She turned around and recognised the owner of the voice as being one of the ladies who had been on the boat. The woman was invited home by a very happy Granny Mavis.
They arrived back and H was dragged into the living room. After finishing the last bottle of prune juice, the lady said that Granny Mavis had done a very noble thing while she was in Outer Mongolia.
"I went to Outer Mongolia?" asked Granny Mavis. The lady continued- "Remember how you rescued this man from the police, and from going to jail?" H looked up, puzzled, then stuck his head back in the Playboy magazine he was reading.
"Your husband should be very proud of you." Granny Mavis grinned and nudged H, bringing him out of his dream.
The lady left a few hours later. After explaining the woman's tale again to H, he momentarily forgot his wife's faults, and she became a hero in the eyes of H, her husband.