fragile macabre
hands
those fingers those hands
those lines so unique
oh my sweet can you
read what's printed in my palm?
while my nails
grip the pen
your calluses
thrash the strings
while you sing of
the touch of
your love of her
hands...
of the smile
on your lips
that I want
to touch
fingertips
holding mine
held in time
by the hands
of the universe
while the hands
of the clock
won't move from where they
stopped on November 1
02 at 9.32 pm
while my hands
met yours
somewhere in the dark
where all there was
was accidental touch.
June
I wanted you
to leave me be
in this city
night of neon
and humidity
maybe you could come back
like you did
in December
just kiss me again
then disappear in a cloud of
thrift-store must
silver spikes
and a smile you pressed on my mouth.
maybe I could fly away
into the sun
and maybe
then
i'd melt
i'd shatter
like the old mirror I wanted to break
the night
you didn't lie
and I didn't cry
and I wouldn't shy away from the truth
the mirrors of
car windows and
the full-length in my bathroom
where I saw a wide-open mind
and a
constricted face
I wanted it gone
and you out of my system
out of my mind--
that's what I am
and where you're not
and where all my fears have left me--
oh me oh my oh where oh where has my little love gone?
it's gone to
the river
to flood the altarcloth
and cool the fever
erase the lines
of doubt and pain
from your hands
your lips
clear the glint in those overwide eyes
shatter the song
my face from your head
and drench the kiss--
just leave it in Lethe
and leave me alone.
there's only this
and how do I feel today
when I have this plan inside
that can make or break this mosaic heart?
and what am I supposed to do
when I can't know what you're possibly thinking,
when I can't ever forget what's inside?
it's all dead around here,
the leaves on the trees
and your eyes as they stare
and whatever it is that filters through your hair...
...is that sunlight?
I couldn't tell.
not when this thing in me begs to be released
through the blow of a gun
or the blink of an eye.
I want the scars of the nevers and maybes to die,
fall into ashes
like I want these memories of you to.
your eyes
there's no reason to say what I'm thinking right now there's no turning back from a look given freely or the smile I held back or the feel of your arms wrapped around me in memory.
oh I miss it, you being there whether or not I needed you. I miss you, my dear, and there's no way around that. no way out and no way to get through this unfortunate love of you.
somewhere in me there's a strength, a core of it where I don't need you or anything else. for a moment the moon unlocked it, but then thoughts of your eyes in lamplight struck my mind as unwelcome as blows to the gut and I lost all train of coherent thought to stand and remember you.
the net of this wanting has caught me and dropped me from the bottom so I fell right back into the sea of despair from whence I came. how can you say you told me forever when I've only known you a year? only loved you a year.
since that one mistaken night when I walked into a room and faced what would prove to be the most intimidating hurdle yet I haven't stopped to think that maybe I shouldn't have left the house that night, shouldn't have looked up when I did so I could feel myself as the ground fell from beneath me, not falling but floating-
floating in the eyes I wish were mine.