i was in quebec then i was sick ahhh my life is crap. literaly.
today i lived in my basement i came up for food but other than that i have sat here connected with my computer searching endlessly for somthing i will never find because i don't what it is but its there it has to be. i must be looking in the wrong places right? i mean why else wouldn't i have found it? right? i just can't seem to escape this fucking loop of sites everyone knows everyone else and becausse ive i've screwed myself at one of these loop sites everywhere else the loop goes im screwed! i can't escape! its the internet! endless possibilities and yet i can't get away from a small loop! the web is huge! theres no way i've seen it all. no way. its just too big.
my other computer crashed. im on my laptop. i like it better here its more private more free...
i don't understand anymore... i can't keep an identitie. if i were to list all my nicknames there would be hundreds i never keep them.
i talked to shadowblade again yesterday. its been months since we talked. it was nice. i don't know why but he just seems to undestand me. i doubt he actually gets it. its propbably just me wishing he did.
nothing seems to affect me like the general public. when sept-11 happened i didn't really care. i don't know maybe i did.
i feel like im being beat up. thrown up against the wall. bloody. cut.
its this feeling. like the one you get from music you understand. its that rush. its like in your lungs. under your skin. in the back of your mind.
those people who hear voices i wonder what they actually hear. if its really voices.
maybe it whispers.
i look at hands like they are real people. they don't have definable faces or anything. but to me thay are real. they have been since i was little. no one elses are just mine. i love the way they move.
people say im paranoid. i wonder if they're right.
i would die without music. its like the only thing that keeps me alive. anymore.
i once described it as sitting on a very small bench in a very large city. its just too big.
its just to big.
just
to
big...
the face inside. i wonder what that means. ...... .
i wonder with all their stupid theorys and studies and books if psychiatrists actually know anything. i don't think they do. whats wrong with the world is what if that guy who said maybe insane is really sane and sane is really insane was right. i wonder if anyone actually knows the truth.
there is probably no truth. its all a lie some way or another.
when you feel things insaide you could never draw or express or say. it has to be sung it has to be in notes. strung together. thats the only way. i believe.
one day not to log ago a lay on the basement floor and pretended i was dying. of radiation. i twisted and writhed. it felt real.
waht about the ultimate question? will technology our child ultimately be our downfall? will it kill us in the end?
i just feel empty no adays. maybe because of what we've done with our tech and mech. all our crap that lets you have anything you want.
maybe virtual reality and ai maybe all of the stuff we can do and fell artificialy. maybe. will all that leave us incapable of real feelings?
i don't want to end up in the urb
or the desert
i think even with all of our fool proof stuff and aniti virus crap theres always someone smarter. someone faster. everythings crashable. breakable. then its crashed. broken. theres always someone better. some hacker.
we will never win.
i can never win.
especially with religion.
i've been everything.
anglican
wiccan
satanist
it never fails
i just can't stay with one.
they are all so unbelievable. nothing works theres always doubts . you can ask the high and mighty preists questions. ethical ones. even if they are all the same religion they will all give you a different answer.
why would you send satanists to hell if thats where satan is. wouldn't they want to go there?
my art is never good enough. theres always somthing wrong with it. i will get natalie to help me with my geocities site. nothing ever works for me.
by next week.
my beliefs will have changed.
and it will all.
be different.
again.