I found a box of old letters and school papers and some of my diaries from my childhood recently. Mostly typical stuff. The most notable things I found were poems and passages from my diary that mark the beginnings and progression of my eating disorder. The earliest evidence I found was from a diary I kept in the 6th grade.
Diary passage, age 11:
"...I am so fat. I am going to kill it off. I am eating only dinner on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday and exercising like a hog! Constant aerobics. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I will eat all of my meals except breakfast."
Keep in mind I weighed about 75 lbs at this time. I talk a lot about what I ate and how many miles I ran or rode my bike each day. One passage talked about riding my bike 25 miles on a Saturday. I must have ridden all damn day long.
Poetry from a diary, age 13:
"...Gently rolling,
Naked but not beautiful
Release me from this body..."
"...Stomach pinched with hunger, with pain, weary grief.
The clock says it's 12:01 AM but I don't worry.
The doctor says I am sick, but I don't worry
My arms are long and too thin stretched before me
But I don't worry.
My hand does not touch my mouth too often anymore..."
At this point I may have broke 100 lbs but I highly doubt it.
Diary passage, age 14:
"Sometimes I throw up after meals. I guess that means I'm bulimic."
It just goes on like this until I stopped keeping journals around age 17.
So this proves to myself that I have had a documented eating disorder for 13 years. Right? I really can't deny that these are the words of someone with an eating disorder, especially when I think back on my behavior. I remember things that I did. I remember being in the hospital three times. That's pretty overwhelming. I'm still battling an eating disorder right now, so where will I be in another 13 years? I think I've done one hell of a job denying that I have a real problem for the past decade or so, but at the very least I can't deny it to myself anymore. This is pretty solid evidence. I hope I won't still be writing about how, if and when I will beat this another 13 years from now. I mean, either way. This is getting way too hard.
