I have come to realize lately that I have been sort of engaging and almost studying these self described Jesus Freak people after my frightening encounter with one.
It might sound bad to refer to Jesus Freaks as �them� but�they are a unique and close knit group. In fact, they don�t seem to mind being singled out and discriminated against, they usually act gleeful about that. But the fact is, they have this bizarre sort of nomenclature. They all know the language, but where to they learn it? It doesn�t matter if they are from Arkansas or Aruba, they all sound the same. I digress.
In my unscientific studies, I have learned some things about the Jesus Freak (sub)culture. There seems to be some rules to obtaining membership to the JFC (Jesus Freak Club). I suppose you could call it the Jesus Freak Cult if you wanted to be terribly technical. Anyway, about the rules. I�m sure there are many more, but here are some that I�ve observed so far:
1) Applicants must have large amounts of pent up anger and suppressed childhood �issues�. Ridiculously excessive self defensiveness is helpful.
2) Low self esteem is required. Brain washing is an essential step to becoming a full fledged JFC Member.
3) Applicants must be self righteous and pretend to be 100% correct and sure of oneself even when one has no education, research or common sense to back oneself up.
4) All applicants must read the bible, tailor it to his or her own warped mindset and then memorize several ecclesiastical-sounding, vague and confusing lines to use when backed into an intellectual corner. Here are some practical examples to set you in the right direction:
�I answer to a higher authority�
�I attend a holy court where Jesus is my judge�
Lines such as these are useful in many situations. For example:
�I answer to a higher authority, officer. The bible clearly states I may beat my wife at any time. You hold no power over me, for I attend a holy court where Jesus is my judge! �
See how well that all works out? Fabulous isn�t it? We think so.
5) JFC Members may not think, act or speak for themselves at any time. All thoughts, actions or words must be pre approved by JFC Officials. Stop thinking about it, that�s not approved.
6) A JFC member has an obligation be contradictory in behavior. For example, a JFC Member may lecture his significant other about the evils of alcohol whilst heavily inebriated. This is perfectly normal JFC etiquette.
7) Male JFC applicants should treat their womenfolk as underlings and slaves. Female JFC applicants should be in the kitchen cooking my dinner. What are you doing reading this woman? Get in there before my pork chops burn.
8) Individuals with blessed conditions known as �Schizophrenia� or �Borderline Personality Disorder� may skip the above requirements. Your membership is pre approved. Your Platinum Card should arrive in the mail within 6-8 weeks.
This is just some if what I have learned of this strange species. I�ll report more later, but Jesus it�s late. I have to get my Goddamned ass into bed. My Lord I have a lot of cooking to do tomorrow. Being a woman is just my little cross to bear though�goodnight and GOD BLESS!
