| GAMESMASTER CAPTIONS |
| If you're old enough to remember the Channel 4 gaming show Gamesmaster (seven series, 1992-1998) you may remember host Dominik Diamond's innuendo-laden spiel and rich language ("You tube!"), Patrick Moore as a big floaty head giving cheats and tips on classic RPG Zelda or something, and the TV tie-in magazine (January 1993 to present). It's the first 16-or-so months of said magazine that I'd like to draw into sharp focus right now, like that bit with the rock in The Andromeda Strain (If you don't recall the show, I'd like to recommend the sort-of official Gamesmaster fan site that can help fill in the gaps). So, Gamesmaster The Magazine reviewed games, and, as is the norm for such recreational publications adorned these reviews with screenshots from the relevant game, subsequently captioning them to aid interested readers. You'd expect such captions to be informative and elucidatory but from around issue 2, they began to twist and evolve in a way that amused not only the editorial team but the readers as well. Despite being peppered with the usual idiosyncratic phrases from the early nineties ("well tragic", "skillage!") a new concept emerged, the 'rolling caption' where against the standard independent nature of captioning, an entire essay surfaced across a two-page spread, one hilarious line at a time. Some examples then. You know you're not going to get an appropriate analysis of a picture when you read such gems as '"Ooo er, I don't like heights," says Bubsy. "In fact I don't even like these roller-coaster thingys," he mumbles. In fact Bubsy is a manic depressive who hates everything.' or (annotating a picture of a Ferrari F-40) 'Sod all the qualifications, to be a writer here at GamesMaster owning one of these is the minimum requirement. Life's a bitch, eh?'. How about 'I WHEEL SURVIVE (Jesus. Ed.)' (The ubiquitous 'Ed' comment widespread across computer magazines at this time.) or (a personal favourite) 'Like Tarzan, Awesome has animal friends. Boring, eh?' or 'This fast-moving scrolling section in level 2 is way too easy. "Hah!" you'll laugh, "This is way too easy."' or (another favourite) beneath a Star Wars screenshot of Luke Skywalker riding an alien: '"Hi. I'm called Luke, and I can't afford a proper horse."' Yes, it's true for most of these that you 'had to be there' that you really need to see the screenshots to get the context, but a whole new art-form was being established here. It even began to get self-referential: '"Eeh... Bleedin' Nora. There's a fundamental discrepancy between these pictures and their captions."' and 'This is what I've decided to call caption fatigue, when two lines seem like hundreds.'. And personal, as comments about the editorial staff revealed: 'A knockout in the first round? It does happen, especially when you're fighting Andy.' and (a picture of an emaciated head prompting a remark about gothic-styled staff writer Les Ellis) 'Blimey, it's Les! In fact, this is the kind of thing that Les would have in his 'dream house'. Isn't it, Les? "Go away, I'm sacrificing."' Around issues 8-15 the 'rolling captions' prospered. The issue 9 Super Mario Allstars review entertained a trivia quiz ('Quiz Captions'!) where nonsensical questions ('Name two species of poisonous mushroom. In Latin.') were paired with inappropriate answers ('Roger or Neville.'). Issue 13 (in my mind, THE ultimate apex of comedy captioning) featured a Mortal Kombat review showing more than a few signs of 'caption fatigue': '"Look, nobody likes internal examinations. It's for your own good." "Les likes them. Go and bother his back passage."' 'A bloke hitting a bird, yesterday. Despicable. She loves it, mind. (If you're a so called victim feminist you'll find this sexist, apparently. - Ali)' before ending, quite pertinently: 'Are you still here? Jesus! You'll read any old rubbish won't you? Wibble, blurble, snokdoo. Happy? Good, now go away.' The same issue featuring tips for Legends Of The Ring enlivened by a severely-hampered 'caption commentary' ("Could you stop saying 'and everything' please, Frank?" spiralling into a curious conversation about the art of comedy - "What other forms of humour can you tell us about, Frank? Tell us a bit about bathos first. That'll fill a bit of space." "Could you perhaps, give us an example, now?" "Er, no.") Agreed, it's all immature, but heck, it's funny. Issue 15's basketball special featured the unprovoked 'One of the first things you'll learn is to never, ever pick a team with a bearded man in it.' 'Exhibit A: A bloke who looks completely lost. Exhibit B: A man who's completely lost the plot. The link? Facial hair.' before ludicrously describing court surfaces - 'Grey, but distinguished by the classical simplicity of the wall... Stunning combo of chain-link fence and daringly short wall. Nice.' A letter received from Jamie Beckford in issue 13 brought the writing team to rights, to quote: "I've seen the shameless plugging of David Lynch, the furtive quotes from Withnail And I, the Fry and Laurie phraseology" before suspecting "that you are also secretly writing for twentysomethings like yourselves... with a tendency to regress to age 13 at the smell of a decent game." Apposite. The general atmosphere surrounding early Gamesmaster magazines is that of an editorial team influenced by the then current trends in popular comedy, the quips bringing to mind Newman and Baddiel (indeed, the entire Mary Whitehouse Experience) or Sean Hughes. Flicking through a recent Gamesmaster magazine, these days are sadly past. Gone are 'ROCK HARD!!!!' and 'bit of a geezer'. The art of caption writing has drifted away with the days of The Shamen and The Wonder Stuff and the entire nature of gaming has disappeared with it (we can't forget that these early magazines were from 1993, the age of the first real software awareness, when the topic was still exciting and revolutionary with dozens of systems jostling for a place in the teenage bedroom). There is no way back to these innocent times, but maybe it's better to leave Caption Art in the past (No-one tries, for instance, to emulate Morecambe and Wise, do they? Apart from Ant and Dec). 'Oh yeah. You and whose army?' 'Me and the mutant robot rebellion's army.' 'Oh, right. Sorry.' All quotes (c) Future Publishing Limited |
| by Woodsey |