| IF IT'S TUESDAY, THIS MUST BE BOREDOM |
| Part Three |
| (AGENTS 34 AND 45 BUNDLE JANICE INTO THE BOOT, HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART AND DECIDE TO LAY HER GENTLY ON THE BACK SEAT INSTEAD. THEY DRIVE OFF TO THE HOSPITAL.) AGENT 34: Left or right? AGENT 45: Well, you're driving. AGENT 34: I know, that's why I asked. AGENT 45: Let's take left and right. AGENT 34: No, let's remain reality consistent. JANICE: Please hurry! AGENT 45: Alright, love, we're doing our best, you know. AGENT 34: Don't talk to her like that! Mop her brow with a damp hankie. AGENT 45: Okay, where is her brow? (AGENT 34 AND JANICE BOTH MAKE A 'THICKO' JAW GESTURE, AND JANICE POINTS TO HER FOREHEAD. AS AGENT 45 MOPS, EXCITING MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY, SOON TO BE AVAILABLE ON AN ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK RECORDING.) AGENT 34: Here we are! One hospital! (THEY ALL ENTER ONE HOSPITAL AND WAIT AN HOUR IN THE WAITING ROOM, WHICH SORT OF UPSETS THE FLOW OF THE STORY. THE EXCITING MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY THROUGHOUT, UPSETTING ALL THE OTHER PATIENTS. EVENTUALLY A DOCTOR APPEARS, AS IF BY MAGIC. HE LOOKS LIKE THE SHOPKEEPER FROM MR. BENN AND IS NARRATED BY RAY BROOKS.) A DOCTOR: How can I help? AGENT 34: This woman's in labour, you THICK CLOT. A DOCTOR: Now, now, there's no need for capital letters. Come with me, Janice. AGENT 45: Hey, how did you know her name? A DOCTOR: I've just remembered, she attends my ante-natal class. AGENT 34: Oh, right. Well, I suppose that's logical. A DOCTOR: Well, that, and she is my wife. (THEY ALL GASP, INCLUDING, WEIRDLY, THE DOCTOR. A DENT-DENT-DAA SOUND EFFECT PLAYS AS THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN DRAMATICALLY ON THE DOCTOR. NOTICING THIS, HE OPENS AND CLOSES HIS MOUTH LIKE A GOLDFISH FOR NO CONCEIVABLE REASON.) AGENT 34: You weren't there for her in her hour and thirty-two minutes of need! A DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah, alright, love. Okay, Janice, hop up on this table. JANICE: Right. AGENT 45: Um, don't you think you should take her into a private ward rather than delivering the baby in the waiting room? A DOCTOR: Sigh. Fine. AGENT 34: Have you even had experience delivering a baby before? A DOCTOR: Only in the postal sense. AGENT 34: Oh, that does it, I'll deliver it, come with me, Janice. (JANICE DUTIFULLY DOES SO. THE DOCTOR AND AGENT 45 PACE AROUND THE WAITING ROOM, WHEN SUDDENLY THEY HEAR A BABY SCREAMING, AND THEY BOTH LOOK UP SIMULTANEOUSLY. THE LADIES EMERGE, JANICE HOLDING A BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY. TEARS WELL UP ALL OVER THE PLACE, EVEN WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T, LIKE A VASE AND A WINDOW-SILL.) A DOCTOR: Oh, that's beautiful! I'll never take my wife for granted again! JANICE: But what shall we name our baby? AGENT 45: Jonathan Mudd. (THEY ALL LOOK CONFUSEDLY AT AGENT 45, WHO WINKS AT THE CAMERA. FADE TO BLACK AS THE AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS: "WHAT THE HELL?") |