army

HOST:Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. Well, welcome to the ultimate, the final Final of ARMY STARS! We have two young men, who will do just about anything to get that privileged position of being a fully-recognised army sergeant, give a warm welcome to NIGEL and GARRY!!!
(More screams.)
HOST: So, Nigel, what would this position mean for you?
NIGEL: (smiles) Oh wow, well, my family'd be like, so chuffed, and I'd command instant respect...
HOST: Along with commanding your platoon, of course! (audience laughs)
NIGEL: (laughs) Oh, yeah..!
HOST: And Garry, I hear you've been training and preparing all this week?
GARRY: Yeah, yeah. I've made countless TV and radio appearances, and when I'm not watching videos or being driven round in a plush limousine, I've been thinking about the army.
HOST: Like Ben Folds Five, perhaps. (audience does not laugh)
GARRY: That's an obscure reference, but, er... yeah!
HOST: Okay, well hold your horses there, Garry, we've still got the formality of the final round! (exciting music) Here's a rifle each, and over there is a hanging sack of hay. On my mark, you will both run towards it, and the one who hits the painted target is the winner!!! Are you both ready?
NIGEL: Yup.
GARRY: Yeah!
HOST: Okay... GO!!!
(Both Nigel and Garry rush towards the sack with their rifles out. Nigel hits the target dead centre, but Garry, clearly confused over the instructions, starts chasing a floor manager with his rifle, round the stage and out of the studio.)
HOST: Er, well... it looks like... NIGEL IS THE WINNER!!!
(The audience screams for far too long.)
HOST: Okay, in this golden envelope, I have details of your very first mission which starts this very night!
NIGEL: (excited) Ooh, open it, open it!
HOST: Good idea! (he opens the envelope) Well, well, young Nigel, your first mission as a full army sergeant is to parachute solo into the forests of Borneo!
NIGEL: Excellent!
(Nigel is led backstage where he is kitted out and then driven to a nearby airbase. Twenty-two hours later, he finds himself falling into the undergrowth of Borneo. There is silence all around, save for exotic birdsong. Suddenly, he hears a noise in the bushes. Naturally scared, he turns to see the shadow of a sniper...
Nigel is not heard of for three years until his half-decomposed body is found lying face down in a ditch. We return to the studio three years earlier to catch the end of the show.)
HOST: Well, goodbye and good luck, Nigel! (he waves) And it's not over yet, you at home! Join us next week for the first in a new series, 'Brain Surgeon Stars'!
(The audience cheers, noisily.)
HOST: So, see ya then! GOOD NIGHT!
(He walks offstage to thunderous applause.)