| BLOOOOOF! WE'RE GOING ON AN ANTIQUES HUNT! |
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| Greetings! I'm Scully Aspel Dickinson (right), and you join us once again as we go on an antiques hunt! This week, we're coming live from Wolf-on-sea, 'the city of medicine' (formerly the city of common colds) where we hope to find some great bargains amid all the usual dross. Hang on, excuse me a moment... (pulls out handkerchief) BLOOOOOF! |
| And let's take a legitimate look at some of Wolf-on-sea's residents. Who's first? |
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| JOHN FLARK: Hi, erm... hi, yeah, I recently bought this urn from a Red Cross Shop and I was wondering how much it's worth. DICKINSON: Check the price sticker, you clot. JOHN FLARK: Oh, um... okay, right, I'll do that, and... oh, yeah, I was told it was unique, so I imagine that pushes the price up..? DICKINSON: Then what's that identical one doing in the bushes in the background? JOHN FLARK: Zounds, I dunno. I reckon I've been stitched up good and proper. I ought to - ah, ah, ah, BLOOOOOF! |
| JEZ 'PINTO' MILKO: Why, hello sir! I've brought along this axminster loom. What do you think? DICKINSON: I think you look like a right nancy, that's what I think. I'm staying over here on the left. JEZ 'PINTO' MILKO: Uhh, well... it still works, and I think it's jolly exciting! DICKINSON: Look, it's just a loom! Modern looms are far more efficient than this crap! JEZ 'PINTO' MILKO: Yes, maybe so, but this is... is... BLOOOOOF! DICKINSON: BLOOOOOF! |
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| DOLLY MARE: I've brought along this old-style phone, and I love it to death, it's so kitsch! DICKINSON: Big deal, I've seen plenty of them sold in Cash Converters. Alongside the Miami Vice videos. DOLLY MARE: Oh. I wasn't aware - DICKINSON: And if you say you love it, then why have you brought it to be valued? You're not selling are you? DOLLY MARE: (silence) |
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| ALFRED LOZENGE: Hello, um... will this sled do? I found it in my garden shed. DICKINSON: I'll give you fifty nicker for it, geeza... hang on, what's that small child doing on it? ALFRED LOZENGE: I dunno, he just comes with it. DICKINSON: Urgh, repugnant child. I democratically withdraw my offer. ALFRED LOZENGE: Well, I'll democratically throw it off a cliff, then. DICKINSON: Fine by me - excuse me... BLOOOOOF! |
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| DICKINSON: Oh great, a poxy branding iron... TEX McCOWHIDE: No, no, no, it's much more than that! It can do other things! DICKINSON: Such as..? TEX McCOWHIDE: Err... a toothpick, a needle... DICKINSON: Oh, no, stop right there! A sodding toothpick? It's over a metre long? What do you eat out there on the ranch that could possibly necessitate a toothpick that crosses three time zones? TEX McCOWHIDE: Okay, maybe not a toothpick, but perhaps a knitting needle, or, um... a... broom handle... DICKINSON: You're just making this up! TEX McCOWHIDE: Us cowboys learn to think on our feet. DICKINSON: Why? TEX McCOWHIDE: (silence) |
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| JESS TRUFFLE: I've got an umbrella, it's very - oh, look, it's gone inside out! DICKINSON: YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. JESS TRUFFLE: Pardon? DICKINSON: Sorry, just lost my objectivity for a second. It's a lovely umbrella dear, it's just a bit... a bit... BLOOOOOF! JESS TRUFFLE: Bless y - BLOOOOOF! DICKINSON: Urgh, this awful city... BLOOOOOF! |
| Ohhh, what a shambles. It'll be better next time, I promise. What's that? We've just been cancelled? Ohhh, those TV execs, they're all a bunch of BLOOOOOF! and they should just shove their BLOOOOOF! up their BLOOOOOF! Urgh, where are the tissues? BLOOOOOF! Anyway, until we meet again, here's some traditional Wolf-on-sea entertainment brought to you by the Los Carlos Mehico Sisters. Bye... |
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| "La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, HEY!" |