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| THE LEGACY OF PLANET MORON |
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| Hello. Woodsey here again. Can you follow computer speak? All the downloads and graphics tabs? The thing is, many of these unusual and unique phrases wouldn't even exist without computers, and they're much more complicated than, for example video recorders, but I've just got a copy of Magnolia jammed in mine so we'll forget about that. Anyway, if the world's computers suddenly broke down, what would we do with all the excess phrases we'd learnt? Here I present my suggestions FOR A BETTER WORLD. SITE NOT RESPONDING To be used on a building site. "OK, everybody! Time to start work again!" Nothing happens. "What's going on?" asks the gaffer. "SITE NOT RESPONDING" answers a bucky assistant. SERVER BUSY. TRY AGAIN LATER A fast food restaurant. "I say young chap. Where's my quarterpounder with cheese? I've been waiting for ages for it." Waiter: "SERVER BUSY. TRY AGAIN LATER." SHOW ME MORE LIKE THIS You are in a tie shop, possibly Tie Rack, possibly not. A smarmy assistant comes over to you with a handful of quality stock. "Are these ties to sir's liking?" "Mmm. SHOW ME MORE LIKE THIS." THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN Waking up in hospital, you see a kindly doctor looking over you. "Hello, I'm the friendly surgeon who cut you up, made you better, then stitched you up again. How do you feel?" You point accusingly at him. "YOU HAVE PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND MUST BE SHUT DOWN." "What?" AN ERROR HAS OCCURRED. DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE RUNNING SCRIPTS ON THIS PAGE? You are sat in the auditions for a page-boy in some old play or other. The person in front of you is making mistakes and you are clearly better than him. You turn to the auditions manager. "AN ERROR HAS OCCURRED. DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE RUNNING SCRIPTS ON THIS PAGE?" RETURNCODE ERROR 502 You can just use this one as a catchphrase. DO NOT CLOSE THIS ACTIVE WINDOW It is summer and it's really hot so you open a window. But some stupid, irksome children outside keep shutting it. You return to the window, notably distressed. "PLEASE DO NOT CLOSE THIS ACTIVE WINDOW." THIS LINK IS BROKEN Being heavy-handed while attempting to construct a daisy-chain, the most useless idea in the universe? "THIS LINK IS BROKEN" 43 ITEMS REMAINING. DOWNLOADING PICTURE Working at a busy art gallery can't be fun. Until you're left in charge of a crew unloading a new shipment of pictures from the back of a lorry. "How are we doing?" asks a crew member innocently. "43 ITEMS REMAINING. DOWNLOADING PICTURE." "Get out of my face." Lots of ideas to enrich your lives there. If you know of any more, or know how to pull off a successful bank raid or, more importantly, how to get a jammed copy of Magnolia out of a video recorder, why not post a message in the traditional manner. There are no actual prizes but... oh no, there aren't any prizes. The Legacy continues... |