I hurried into the toilets, hoping to God it was the men�s (I wasn�t paying attention). I was busting. I went quickly to where I expected the urinal to be, hastily unzipping my fly. There was just cubicles- Bother! It was the Ladies!
     Oh well, there was no one about, so it could have been worse.
     �Oh yes, Susan,� I suddenly heard a voice, �I couldn�t agree with you more.� Bother again! Someone was coming! I sprinted to the cubicle at the end, quickly and quietly closed the door, panting slightly. �Eustace is an absolute horrid little beast!�
     I held my breath as the girl, it sounded like two actually, came closer and closer. Just my luck! It had to be this cubicle! I spun around, looking for somewhere to hide, but of course there was nowhere.
     Suddenly, I noticed that the toilet was glowing
     �At least now, we�ll be alone!�
     The golden glow seemed to be emanating from inside the toilet. What was in it for heaven�s sake? I won�t mention what I originally thought it must have been. I bent over, and forced myself to look, fearing what I would see. The bottom, filled with water, was no longer visible. Around the brim of the toilet, there was a circle of golden light, and through it I could see trees and plains of grass through it. I had a sudden urge to jump into the circle�
     �You mustn�t tell anybody about this.� The door opened. I wasn�t there. I had closed my eyes and jumped in, not thinking about the consequences.
     I found myself falling a slight way, then hitting the soft ground. I slowly opened my eyes, and saw the circle that I had jumped into above me. It was disappearing fast, but through it I could see inside the cubicle, in which I had been in just a second beforehand. I saw that there were two girls, who had caused my plight. One of them was Gertrude Baker, a girl I�d been chasing after for weeks but had been rejected several times, as had many other boys; she was the most desired girl in our large public school! I was flabbergasted when I saw the other girl, very plain looking, start to unbutton Gertrude�s blouse!
     �Oh Sue, you�re so naughty,� the later giggled excitedly. I watched intently, mouth open, drooling slightly. This was what I�d always dreamt about!
     Alas, the glowing circle closed before I could get a good glimpse at anything. I took it well though, and put it behind me. Ok, so I actually started bawling my eyes out, and hitting the ground in front of me in frustration.
     �You there!� I suddenly heard a girl�s voice calling. I looked up and quickly brushed away my tears. �Are you alright?� she asked with some concern. She was a pretty young girl (though not as pretty as Gertrude * sigh *), wearing a slightly old-fashioned yellow dress. I stood up and straightened my tie, brushing off some dirt.
     �Yes, I�m fine.� I finally answered.
     �Ahem�� She glanced downwards. I zipped up my fly, promptly. �Sorry about that.�
     She waved my apology aside. �I saw you arrive- how did you get here?�
     �Jumped into a loo, if you can believe that.� I said lightly, making a joke out of it.
     She cringed slightly, but managed to put a brave face on it. �I always try to believe three impossible things before breakfast.�
     �How did you get here then?� I asked.
     �I followed a white rabbit into its burrow and here I was.� She said simply. �Oh, I haven�t even introduced myself, how rude. My name is Alice, what�s your name?�
     I looked at her in amazement. �Y-you mean, Alice in Wonderland?�
     The white rabbit, the strange world he now found himself in, it all fit!
     Alice looked at me, faintly surprised. �How did you know this was Wonderland?� She asked.
     �Err� I just did.� I replied lamely. �I didn�t see any white rabbit when I jumped into the toilet though.� I added.
     �Ahem�� I heard a voice coming from below us, so I looked down. As I watched, a white rabbit stepped out from behind Alice�s leg, dressed in a waistcoat, and holding a pocket-watch. �You just missed me, I�m afraid.� He said apologetically. I was just about to answer the white rabbit before he hopped off hurriedly, saying worriedly, �I�m late, I�m late!�
     �I�d better go after him.� Alice said apologetically, and after wishing me good luck she ran off after him. The two figures quickly disappeared, and I was alone. For the first time, I noticed my surroundings.
     The grass was so very green, unnaturally, so, like that in a picture storybook. The trees were also a picture of perfection, again, that same unnatural green, but covered in shiny red circles of fruit: perfect apples!
     I grabbed a few off the tree next to me, and chomped into one greedily. Scrumptious!
     Suddenly I remembered the events taking place at the start of this story, and the tree next to me seemed the most suitable place to relieve myself. After I had finished, I looked up to see a large cat sitting on a tree branch, grinning at me.
     Yes, this was definitely Wonderland, all right.
     �Hello there.� The cat said pleasantly, still grinning.
     I was annoyed. �How dare you sit there watching me go to the loo! If you don�t watch it, I�m going to give you a bunch of fives!� The Cat ignored me, and its expression did not change.
     �Follow the yellow brick road.� It said mysteriously, and then the Cheshire Cat faded away.
     �Follow the yellow brick road, it says!� I scoffed. �What does it think this is? The Wizard of Oz?�
     I laughed loudly, and was still laughing as I walked to the top of the next hill, and saw, in front of me, a brick road stretching out into the distance. And believe it or not, it was a bright shade of yellow!
     I shrugged, and started briskly across the road. Suddenly a girl ran up to me
     �Hello.� She said. It wasn�t Alice this time (or Gertrude * sigh *), but I knew exactly who she was. She wore a dress similar to that of Alice, but it was light blue, and her hair was in pigtails.
     �Dorothy, I presume?�
     She didn�t seem surprised that I knew her name.
     �Yes, and your name is?� she asked primly.
     �Eustace�� I answered uncomfortably, adding quickly, �Where�s the tin man? (he being my particular favourite from the book)�
     �Here I am!� said a muffled voice, and turning around, I saw the man of tin walking alongside me morosely. The lion and the scarecrow were there also (of course).
     �You know something?� I asked conversationally.
     �What?�
     �I don�t think I�m in Moe anymore!�
     They told me they were off to see the wizard, so I decided to tag along, and ask the wizard if he knew how I could get home. I sang along with my companions (We�re off to see the Wizard�) until we reached the emerald city.
     After he finished with Dorothy and the others he turned to me, and I told him all about my situation.
     �Well.� He said wisely, after I had finished. �Although I haven�t told anyone, I got here the same way you did, but have no desire to go back to my former life of sex, drugs and rock & roll. This seems to be a land made up of different types of fiction, book and film. This is �Classic Children�s Story land.� Other lands include �Crime Fiction land,� �Action Movie land� and my personal favourite:� he winked at me, �Mills and Boon land!�
     He moved towards a door to the left. �I�ll open the portal you came in, and provide you with transport to it.�
     �Thank you very much.� I said, and followed him.
     He led me to a huge room, filled with more modes of transport you can possibly imagine!
     �I�ve borrowed a few of these from other lands�� He admitted . �Now, you can either take: �Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,� (he pointed to a vintage roadster) �Thomas the Tank Engine,� (pointing to a blue train) �The TARDIS,� (This time it was a Police telephone box he motioned to) �The Bat mobile,� �flying broomstick, �The Magic Schoolbus� etc��
     After some time, I pointed to a rather large animal in the corner. �How about him?�
     He seemed pleased, and gave the animal friendly pat on the rump.
     �Ah yes, good choice- apparently this fellow is fairly powerful back in this own land, he�s as harmless as kitten here!�
     The powerful looking lion glared up at me.
     �I�ll remember this next time you�re in Narnia.� He warned him.
     So I hopped onto Aslan, said goodbye to the ol� wiz, and in quick time we were back to the place I had first arrived in quick time, during which I comforted myself with the thought that I was probably too old to get into Narnia anyway.
     I saw the �portal� back again, and waved Aslan away. I then remembered the Cheshire Cat�s helpful advice, and called out loud �Thank you Cheshire Cat!�
     His face instantly appeared in front of me grinning of course. �No problem.� He answered. �My last advice is to keep your hands off!� He winked, and then he was gone again.
     I wonder what he meant? I pondered, as I stood under the portal, and jumped up into it�s golden light.
     When I got back to the cubicle again, I found beautiful Gertrude standing before me, her blouse on the floor and two enticing parts of her anatomy under my nose.
     Keep your hands off, keep your hands off!!!

                         ~Eustace Scrubb