"I believe all God's creatures have a soul...except bears--bears are godless killing machines!"

"Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions"

"Until next time, help control the pet population: Teach your dog abstinence."

"I've never been a fan of Amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are Nature's fence-sitters. Come on Amphibians, which is it: water or land? Pick one, we're at war!"

"Half bear, half eagle, it's a beagle! And it's a grizzly so this is a Greagle! Oh, kill it, kill it!"

"Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority."

"The only thing worse than a rainbow is a reading rainbow"

"There's nothing more American tourists like than stuff they can get at home"

"Take it from me, there’s nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all."

"Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that Lord has spoken on this one."

"Reality has become a commodity."

"The safest way to avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater is to not change the bathwater."

"That tingling sensation means the Truth is working."

"Hey, semicolon, comma or colon? Pick a side, we're at war."

"They found a new Earth-like planet. Drive that Hummer all you want."

"Librarians are hiding something."

"February, if you had any balls you'd be three days longer."

"Warning: The contents of the USA Today are really about the USA yesterday."

"Cleanliness is next to godliness. Churches, fill your baptismal fonts with Purell. "

"Who's buried in Grants Tomb? Give up? I hope the police have too."

"Genius is 10% inspiration. 90% respiration. You would be surprised how many geniuses forget to breathe."

"I'm giving America something better than candy, my opinions. But be careful, some of them are filled with razorblades."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun."

"When I think about Truth, I touch myself... "

"There are three doors. Behind one is a tiger. Behind another the Truth. The third is a closet... choose wisely."

"Demon of facts... be gone!"

"How many roads must a man walk down before he is run over by an eighteen-wheeler of truth?"